I have not blogged for a while, and for that I am annoyed. I did not intend to let it lapse. It's been a mad time here, but the weight loss is going great.
To date I have lost 2 stone 8lbs. I guess I will look back at this in months to come and think 'pah' to that, but right here right now, I am thrilled with my weight loss. To be 17 stone anything is a first in over 5 years !!
I went to Bingo with Frances ( mother in law) the other day and she said that my jeans were falling off me. She was right, but at the same time, I am so used to being big that it did not occur to me that I might need to change them soon !! It was the push I needed. I went to Asda the next day after dropping Rachel and Aidan at school. I knew that Asda went up to size 26, and I did not want to spend too much money on new clothes because it would be a waste. So, into Asda I went, and I found some nice jeans, size 26. I held them up against myself and thought, 'you know, these are too big', so I put them back and lifted the 24's. I told Michael ( ok, he's only 17 months old at this stage) that I was going to buy them, even if they only got up to my knees !! We took these trousers home, and I tried them on. Michael stood watching ( ready to applaud perhaps) and to my amazement, they got past my knees. They even got past my thighs !! They went right up to where they were supposed to be, and then came the next challenge. Do they do up?! Michael held his breath, and to my utter joy, they did up !! My backside has not been in size 24's for many many many years !! I was so pleased I called Alan and told him ! He thoroughly approved of them when he got home too. Tight in all the right places !!! lol
I am having a rough week this week. Aidan started the ball rolling with feeling poorly last friday. I took him to the health centre and he was given antibiotics for tonsilitis. Then I found Rachel's hamster had died on sunday so we had the tears and the funeral to cope with there, and then replacement of the pet with 3 goldfish. Then on Sunday night, Michael started squealing all night. He and I came downstairs to allow the rest of them to sleep upstairs, but he did not settle for another 2 1/2 hours until he finally gave up and fell into an exhausted sleep. He coughed and woke himself up 1/2 hour later. I did not sleep at all. He was on antibiotics that day.
Then Al said he was not feeling well, and neither had I but I had not broadcast it. Then Rachel started up on tuesday night, so I managed to get her and us both antibiotics. So that was us all on medication. It has been like a drug round in the mornings here. Rachel seemed better on wednesday morning, so I took her to school. I went to Glengormley to help Frances choose a new chest freezer, and once that was in her house and installed, we went to a garden centre. Then I got a call from the school to say Rachel was unwell and needed me to come and collect her. It was 1pm by the time I got there, and she had a temp of 39.5 so we went up to the house and got her some calpol, and then back in the car down to the school to get Aidan at 2pm, and then back up home to call Barbra's mum and arrange to drop Jennifer round to her house rather than bring her up to me, and risk getting this bug. Then I had to take a car load of sick kids back to the school to get Jennifer at 3pm and drop her at her Granny's house. It was a lot of to'ing and fro'ing. Rachel was desparate to go to her Brownie party in her Little Red Riding Hood outfit ( thank you Eileen for that !!) but she really was not well enough. The only way to compromise with her was to take her to the party, let her see the leader and then bring her back up home. She looked beautiful in her outfit, but she was realy unwell, and I was glad to get her home.
Then Michael started up last nightevery hour, wailing at the top of his lungs. He is cutting his back teeth though, as well has contending with this runny nose and cough. I was up and down to him all night. He was beside himself this morning, and I got him an urgent appointment with the Doctor. I had him well dosed up with every drug he could have before we went, so his temp was down by the time we saw her. Still, she changed his antibiotics, and we'll see how he goes tonight.
While I was there, I asked her to refer me to the Plastic Surgeons for my tummy tuck because there is a 4 year waiting list, and I might as well be on it as soon as possible to start the wait. I was gobsmacked at just how straight forward it was.... here I was putting myself forward for more surgery !! What am I like? Still, in 4 years time I might be desparate for it, I might even get a flat tummy for my 40th birthday !!!! Good grief, what a thought.
I dumped on Weetabix this morning too. It was not nice. I had a tiny little bit of sugar on it, because I swear I dump on artificial sugar, and it seems I dump on both !! I was hanging over the toilet and Rachel was asking me if I was ok. What was I supposed to say ?
Anyway, that's the update. Christmas is fast approaching, and Al has bought me a beautiful suede jacket for Christmas. It's really lovely. It's a 22, so it does not meet at the moment, but it will. I know it will !! The kids are all excited about what is to come for them. I am looking forward to it too !
I can really feel the weight shifting now, and it's a joy to know that I will never be back to the size I was, ever again.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Tuesday 14th November 2006
Feeling rough today. Aidan was sick last thursday and friday, and then Rachel was sick on saturday, and then it hit Alan badly overnight on Sunday night with vomitting and diarrhoea all night. I felt ok until yesterday late morning when I was on my cross trainer when I started getting stomach cramps. I went to bed for an hour or so but didn't feel much better thereafter. I hardly ate anything yesterday because I was feeling so queasy and then last night I threw up. It was so sore, I cannot describe it. Felt rough all night and feeling really rough this morning. Keep getting rectal spasms and the urge to throw up. This is awful.
On a more positive note, I weigh 18st 10 this morning so the weight is still moving.
Going to have a quiet day and see how I go. So glad Alan is not at work today. Could not have coped making the kids breakfasts and lunches. He did it.
On a more positive note, I weigh 18st 10 this morning so the weight is still moving.
Going to have a quiet day and see how I go. So glad Alan is not at work today. Could not have coped making the kids breakfasts and lunches. He did it.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Saturday 11th November 2006
I started using my cross trainer 2 nights ago, and walking/jogging for 45 mins each night. I have been using Rachel's MP3 player and just closing my eyes and going for it. I don't keep my eyes open because I don't want to look at a boring old room and loose heart, nor look at the calorie counter and get annoyed either, I just want to exercise and feel like I am out in the middle of nowhere having a jog !! I would not dare go outside like this though and go jogging. No way !! This way I can exercise in private and sweat as much as I want, and do my thing, and then go and have a shower once I am through. I was making the most of the time while Al was at work on lates, and rather than sit downstairs and think about eating, I decided to do something much more productive. I really wanted to break the 19 stone barrier. The scales have been sticking their tongue out at me for days now, while my period was on, and bearly shifting a pound. I thought that with the exercise it might give it a little push. Well today, I weighed in at 18st 12 so I am a very happy bunny !! I have not weighed this in a very long time. Here's to the rest of this fat coming off. I shall be overjoyed at every single pound I loose. My clothes are not really feeling any looser yet, but Al said that I have a waistline again now, and my ankles are certainly not swollen like they were... I don't know. It has to be going somewhere !! I would love to think it's my arse, because that is massive, but I just don't know.
Anyway... had a quiet day today. Rachel has been sick all day and feeling sorry for herself. I have been tinkering with the laptop, on and off the forums, chatting to Eileen about sewing machines because we discovered we share the same passion for that !! I skipped lunch because I was not hungry, and I just ate Rachel's chips for dinner which I know was naughty, but they were nice, and she was not planning on eating them. There were only about 6 if that counts !! I wrapped up a load of Christmas presents this afternoon because I didn't want little eyes finding them and going 'oooh, lookie here' ! I have pretty much sorted everyone out, bar the kids big things, so I am pleased with myself.
Still on the antibiotics but feeling pretty good now. The pain is away and I am well on the mend now. That's about it .... til next time !!
Anyway... had a quiet day today. Rachel has been sick all day and feeling sorry for herself. I have been tinkering with the laptop, on and off the forums, chatting to Eileen about sewing machines because we discovered we share the same passion for that !! I skipped lunch because I was not hungry, and I just ate Rachel's chips for dinner which I know was naughty, but they were nice, and she was not planning on eating them. There were only about 6 if that counts !! I wrapped up a load of Christmas presents this afternoon because I didn't want little eyes finding them and going 'oooh, lookie here' ! I have pretty much sorted everyone out, bar the kids big things, so I am pleased with myself.
Still on the antibiotics but feeling pretty good now. The pain is away and I am well on the mend now. That's about it .... til next time !!
Wednesday 8th November 2006
OK... little recap from last night. I was getting twinges of pain from my drain site all day, but last night when I lifted Michael into the bath I had to stifle a scream. The pain shot right up to my ribs from the drain site and boy was it sore. There is no bruising evident though, no redness, or heat, just a little swelling but that is all. Anyway, it was sore enough to have me in tears. I called Al and told him, and he was concerned that I had got an infection in it. I went to the Doctors this morning on an emergency appointment and she gave me antibiotics and another week off work. I want to be totally well before going back.I feel better having just taken a couple of them already ! Al called his mother and got her to come and baby sit me while he was at work, and it was lovely to have her here, to chat to and to share the child care. Wednesday is a busy day because I have to go for Aidan at 2pm and then get Rachel and Jennifer at 3pm and then get dinner ready, do homework with Rachel, and then get her to Brownies for 7. To keep taking Michael out every time is hard work ! In and out of the car once is enough on my poor side at the moment without repeating it over and over ! She was able to keep him and Aidan here while I did the rest of the running which was really helpful. I made dinner for us all. I made roast chicken breast for Frances and me, and I pureed mine because I knew it would hurt me otherwise !! I only managed half of my small dinner, but it was nice to eat all together.
Al got home late and found me doing the ironing. He was not happy with me, but the pain is on the left side and I use my right side to do the ironing, and besides that, it would not do itself !!
Al got home late and found me doing the ironing. He was not happy with me, but the pain is on the left side and I use my right side to do the ironing, and besides that, it would not do itself !!
Monday 6th November 2006
The kids went back to school today, and Al has been painting the hall and stairs yesterday and today. We have gone a deep green colour which is really lovely. It really sets off the pine around the doors, and the wooden floor. It was a daring colour but I am pleased we went with it. I helped him by doing the bit under the stairs when Michael went to bed for her morning nap. I didn't overdo anything, just took it easy.
Al goes back to work tomorrow, and worse still, he is on a week of lates which means I have to collect the kids and bath them without his help, and take them to their clubs etc. It's going to be a hard week I reckon.
Al goes back to work tomorrow, and worse still, he is on a week of lates which means I have to collect the kids and bath them without his help, and take them to their clubs etc. It's going to be a hard week I reckon.
Saturday 4th November 2006
Al drove me into Belfast to go to the WLS support group meeting. It was great to see everyone. Eileen was there and she has just got her date through to be the 2nd ever open RNY patient to have her op done in Northern Ireland. I am over the moon for her !!! She goes into the Royal to have her op on the 29th of this month, not long now !!! I am sure she is excited having waited 5 years for it, but anxious all the same because it's major surgery all the same. It was great to see her, and Marg, and JayJay too. JayJay was very complementary about my state of health, saying I hardly looked like someone who was just 1 1/2 weeks post op !! I really don't feel like I am only just post op either !! I feel great. I took the dressings off today and the wounds are looking really good. I am so pleased.
There were a few new faces at the meeting too, and it was good to get to chat to them about things.
There were a few new faces at the meeting too, and it was good to get to chat to them about things.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Thursday 2nd November 2006
It's so good to be home !! Al got me an appointment with the GP for this afternoon. I am actually looking forward to seeing her, and showing her how well I am doing. I have been taking it easy, enjoying spending time with the kids and Al while he is off work still, and generally mooching about.
We went out for a lovely walk this afternoon before the Doctors appointment. We didn't walk far, but I pushed the pram and I enjoyed getting out and breathing the fresh sea air. We took the kids up to the park for a quick play before we went too. Michael loves the swings and the other two were racing each other down slides !!
At the Doctors, she called my name and then came out of her room to see if I needed any help !! I was walking toward her with a big grin on my face though and I really did not need any help at all!! She was gobsmacked at how well I was doing. I was only 7 days post op but had already lost 11lbs. She was really pleased for me and wanted to hear all about it. She said that since I had told her about my surgery, she had refered 3-4 other patients for NHS surgical intervention. She knows that the waiting list is enormous, but it's a real break through I think ! She read my discharge letter and prescribed me the Zantac that I needed. I got some forceval too to take instead of that vile liquid vitamin drink !!
We had a quiet evening after the kids went to bed, and it's been a good day !
We went out for a lovely walk this afternoon before the Doctors appointment. We didn't walk far, but I pushed the pram and I enjoyed getting out and breathing the fresh sea air. We took the kids up to the park for a quick play before we went too. Michael loves the swings and the other two were racing each other down slides !!
At the Doctors, she called my name and then came out of her room to see if I needed any help !! I was walking toward her with a big grin on my face though and I really did not need any help at all!! She was gobsmacked at how well I was doing. I was only 7 days post op but had already lost 11lbs. She was really pleased for me and wanted to hear all about it. She said that since I had told her about my surgery, she had refered 3-4 other patients for NHS surgical intervention. She knows that the waiting list is enormous, but it's a real break through I think ! She read my discharge letter and prescribed me the Zantac that I needed. I got some forceval too to take instead of that vile liquid vitamin drink !!
We had a quiet evening after the kids went to bed, and it's been a good day !
Monday 30th October 2006
I never actually thought I would see this day arrive !! I was up at 5am because I finally felt the urge to go to the toilet... you know.. for a sit down. While Ellen was sleeping too, I could take as long as I needed to without her thinking I'd fallen in !! I felt so much better for it too !! I went back to bed and slept til about 9am, then we got up, washed, dressed and in to the breakfast room. Having had a little dump on yesterdays breakfast, I didn't fancy a repeat, so I changed to coffee rather than tea, and changed bread to make the toast. I kept a yoghurt for later and chewed and chewed til the food was mush.I ate the toast, but half way through my second cup of coffee, I got tingling down my arms to my fingers, a cold sweat across me, a sensation of light headedness and nausea. Ewww... horrid. It was sudden and deeply unpleasant. Ellen said maybe we should go back to the room but I could not even walk at that point so we just stayed put til that bit was a better. When the nausea got really awful I felt I had to make a move just in case. We went back to the room and I hung over the loo but I knew that being sick would hurt a lot and so I told myself that this would pass. I would be ok... just go and sit down and rest. Again, it lasted about 30 minutes and then I was ok again. What did it today then? The Jam or the artificial sweetner in the coffee ? Probably never know !!
We went out about 11.30am to find the City bus tour. It was a fantastic little trip. The weather was great and I got loads of photos to show the kids. We went to parts of the city we had not walked to because they were on the outer aspects of the city and too far by foot.
We briefly came back to the hotel and then out for lunch. Guess what... only vegetable soup on offer. I really could not have it again !! I opted for a cheese omlette. It was really nice, I chewed it slowly and I managed half of it. It was lovely. I did not have any ill effects from it either, so I might try that again when I get home. Ellen had this huge bagette sandwich with chicken and pineapple and sweetcorn in it. It looked yummy but impossible for me.
Home... awwww... this time tomorrow I will be back with Alan where I belong !! Yay.
We mooched about town doing the last few odds and sods of shopping and then headed back to do our packing !! OMG, half the case is full of chocolate !! I can bearly close it !! Ellen has borrowed my hospital bag to use as hand luggage because she bought so much stuff it won't all fit in !! We had a right laugh trying to get everything to fit ! lol
I took a shower and am wearing the clothes I will be going home in now, so I am all set. My handbag is bursting too but at least it is all in. My nightie will squeeze in to the bag somewhere.
I paid the hotel bill because we are leaving at 6.30 tomorrow morning. I was glad to get that out of the way to be honest. It was the last big bill of this trip that needed to get paid. Now it is, that is that !
I want to try and get an early night tonight so I am awake for the journey home, and there is less chance that I will feel ill on the way too !! The other reason for the early night is the Christmas factor - the sooner you go to sleep on Christmas eve, the sooner somethink wonderful happen. My 'something wonderful' is leaving the house at 8am to get to me in Dublin for 11.30ish. To be back in his arms will be like heaven. I needed him so badly on Wednesday but for practical reasons it was not possible, but we will make up for that tomorrow. I can't wait to see his face. I have his T shirt with me and many a time I have just buried my face in it and smelt him and had a little cry. Soppy ? Yeah, OK I admit it. I just love this guy to the ends of the earth. Him and the kids mean everything to me and I just feel so alone without them with me. No offense to Ellen, she has been so superb here, and I could never have done this trip without her. I just want to see him, see his face, hold him, kiss him, tell him face to face how much I love him. I have had a little cry today because I want to go home to be with him. I wonder if he has been feeling the same way about me.
I am longing to see my 3 beautiful kids. Little Michaels cheeky face, Aidan's squeezy hug and Rachel's closeness again - my angels. I have missed a whole week in their lives and I will never get that back again, but I hope in the next year they will understand just why I had to go away for this short time but that they were well looked after, and loved no matter how far away I am. I hope they understand and forgive me.
So.. tomorrows plan. Get up and washed, dressed etc about 5ish. Squeeze the unsqueezable into the cases and finally clear up the room. The taxi is booked for 6.30am. She had better be here or else !! The airport is about 2 hours away. 8.30am is the earliest check in anyway - hopefully the roads will be clear because this is a public holiday this week. The flights is at 10.35 Belgian time, 09.35 UK time arriving in Dublin at 11.10. Al will be somewhere close by, I will sense him ! Wonder if it will be like old times....
It's dark outside now too !!! I will be well on my way home by the time it gets light again.
later .... We went to a chinese restaurant for dinner. I hoped that they would do soup that I could eat. Ellen ordered this huge chicken dish with rice, and I had a small bowl of chicken and mushroom soup. It came with whole mushrooms and stringy bits of chicken in a thin soup. I was an idiot. I tried the mushrooms - I thought I chewed it enough, but clearly I didn't. I have suffered these stomach cramps - and I mean, serous pain here, for 4 hours now. There was one moment where I thought I would not make the flight home tomorrow. I have been lying here with my poor little stomach churning and in spasm. Awful pain... what the hell have I done to myself here ? I felt sick and thought, oh hell, this is going to hurt, and yes, it did a little. I threw up the tiniest amount of undigested food, and a tiny bit of blood, and that was that. I felt better. So much for my early night. The cramps have gone over now, so I will try and settle and get some sleep. Ugh.. not the end to the trip that I had envisaged. We sat in the market square tonight which was lovely. It's such a beautiful place to see, but I am looking forward to going home now.
We went out about 11.30am to find the City bus tour. It was a fantastic little trip. The weather was great and I got loads of photos to show the kids. We went to parts of the city we had not walked to because they were on the outer aspects of the city and too far by foot.
We briefly came back to the hotel and then out for lunch. Guess what... only vegetable soup on offer. I really could not have it again !! I opted for a cheese omlette. It was really nice, I chewed it slowly and I managed half of it. It was lovely. I did not have any ill effects from it either, so I might try that again when I get home. Ellen had this huge bagette sandwich with chicken and pineapple and sweetcorn in it. It looked yummy but impossible for me.
Home... awwww... this time tomorrow I will be back with Alan where I belong !! Yay.
We mooched about town doing the last few odds and sods of shopping and then headed back to do our packing !! OMG, half the case is full of chocolate !! I can bearly close it !! Ellen has borrowed my hospital bag to use as hand luggage because she bought so much stuff it won't all fit in !! We had a right laugh trying to get everything to fit ! lol
I took a shower and am wearing the clothes I will be going home in now, so I am all set. My handbag is bursting too but at least it is all in. My nightie will squeeze in to the bag somewhere.
I paid the hotel bill because we are leaving at 6.30 tomorrow morning. I was glad to get that out of the way to be honest. It was the last big bill of this trip that needed to get paid. Now it is, that is that !
I want to try and get an early night tonight so I am awake for the journey home, and there is less chance that I will feel ill on the way too !! The other reason for the early night is the Christmas factor - the sooner you go to sleep on Christmas eve, the sooner somethink wonderful happen. My 'something wonderful' is leaving the house at 8am to get to me in Dublin for 11.30ish. To be back in his arms will be like heaven. I needed him so badly on Wednesday but for practical reasons it was not possible, but we will make up for that tomorrow. I can't wait to see his face. I have his T shirt with me and many a time I have just buried my face in it and smelt him and had a little cry. Soppy ? Yeah, OK I admit it. I just love this guy to the ends of the earth. Him and the kids mean everything to me and I just feel so alone without them with me. No offense to Ellen, she has been so superb here, and I could never have done this trip without her. I just want to see him, see his face, hold him, kiss him, tell him face to face how much I love him. I have had a little cry today because I want to go home to be with him. I wonder if he has been feeling the same way about me.
I am longing to see my 3 beautiful kids. Little Michaels cheeky face, Aidan's squeezy hug and Rachel's closeness again - my angels. I have missed a whole week in their lives and I will never get that back again, but I hope in the next year they will understand just why I had to go away for this short time but that they were well looked after, and loved no matter how far away I am. I hope they understand and forgive me.
So.. tomorrows plan. Get up and washed, dressed etc about 5ish. Squeeze the unsqueezable into the cases and finally clear up the room. The taxi is booked for 6.30am. She had better be here or else !! The airport is about 2 hours away. 8.30am is the earliest check in anyway - hopefully the roads will be clear because this is a public holiday this week. The flights is at 10.35 Belgian time, 09.35 UK time arriving in Dublin at 11.10. Al will be somewhere close by, I will sense him ! Wonder if it will be like old times....
It's dark outside now too !!! I will be well on my way home by the time it gets light again.
later .... We went to a chinese restaurant for dinner. I hoped that they would do soup that I could eat. Ellen ordered this huge chicken dish with rice, and I had a small bowl of chicken and mushroom soup. It came with whole mushrooms and stringy bits of chicken in a thin soup. I was an idiot. I tried the mushrooms - I thought I chewed it enough, but clearly I didn't. I have suffered these stomach cramps - and I mean, serous pain here, for 4 hours now. There was one moment where I thought I would not make the flight home tomorrow. I have been lying here with my poor little stomach churning and in spasm. Awful pain... what the hell have I done to myself here ? I felt sick and thought, oh hell, this is going to hurt, and yes, it did a little. I threw up the tiniest amount of undigested food, and a tiny bit of blood, and that was that. I felt better. So much for my early night. The cramps have gone over now, so I will try and settle and get some sleep. Ugh.. not the end to the trip that I had envisaged. We sat in the market square tonight which was lovely. It's such a beautiful place to see, but I am looking forward to going home now.
Tuesday 31st October 2006
Still reliving the horror of last nights dinner ! I was so close to phoning Marc and asking him to take me to Hospital. How could I be so stupid. Al sounded annoyed at me on the phone last night too. I won't do that again in a hurry.
I slept fairly well over night. I was so scared of not being able to catch the flight home, through my own stupidity.... anyway. We were up at 5.30am. I decided there was not that much that needed to be done so the extra 1/2 hour in bed would be ok. Ellen was dead to the world !! She is not a morning person !! lol
My tummy was so sore that I had to open up my case and get a zantac out. I managed to squeeze my nightie and makeup back into the case too before closing it and locking it !! How it all went in I will never know !!
I was washed, dressed, got my make up on and had 1/2 a yoghurt to eat. I felt much better. I took zantac and paracetamol, the latter was a precautionary measure for the journey although I really did not need them. I drank my first 500ml of water too !! We waited on the taxi from 6.10am out the front of the hotel. She was late and did not arrive until 6.40am but it was ok. She had us at the airport by 8.20am
I called Al to let him know we were at the airport. He was still sleeping and Rachel answered the phone !!
We checked in - my case weighed 19.1kg, and Ellens was 18.9kg !! Most our cases were weighed down with chocolate !! lol She had my bag as her hand luggage too which was seriously heavy but she managed to sneek it on without anyone questioning it ! The wait in the gate was unbearable because the plane was delayed and the room was bunged. I sent a few texts to Al, Digger, Barbra, Jo and Lorraine, just to let them know I was on my way home. Al didn't sound very excited but Barbra said that he was when she saw him with the kids at the fireworks last night, and that he was looking forward to seeing me again. I was tearful all morning really, just so relieved to be going home, and on the other side of this frightening week. Time was dragging and it was not fair. We finally got on the plane and I got the window seat. Another delay in taking off. I was so annoyed !! When we finally taxi'd to the end of the runway, and the pilot floored it to take off, I had tears of joy rolling down my face !! Sad muppet. The flight home was beautiful. Fairly clear skies all the way, we flew along the English Channel and I could see the coastline of England all the way round to Kent. Then we turned at the Channel Islands and up via Bristol I guess and then across to Dublin via Liverpool. The sky line was just magnificent. The flight was very bumpy, it was windy up there !! Soon enough we were coming down, and Dublin was in sight. I wondered if Al was looking up and seeing my plane arriving.
We landed and my heart was going like the clappers. I was so excited. We got off the plane as soon as we could and made our way through the gate and then the hike to baggage reclaim. My mobile rang and there were a couple of texts from Al saying he was waiting on us. We got our bags and finally got to the arrival hall. We had to go up to the departures area so he could meet us there in the car. I text him to let him know we were there, and within moments I saw the car and he was there. OMG, it was so fantastic to see him. I flung my arms around him and kissed him. Police were trying to move us on, but I just needed to hold him and let him know how happy I was to be back with him again. What a long week it had been.
Then there was another surprise ! Rachel was lying down on the floor in the back of the car hiding.... suddenly she jumped up and 'surprise ' !! Seeing her little face was magic too. She had really wanted to see me, and had been really good for her Daddy all the way there too. She was as good as gold on the way home too.
The journey home was uneventful. We chatted and talked about the operation and my terrible experience last night.
When we got home, Aidan gave me a big hug, but Michael was a little stand offish to begin with. He soon came round though and came over and gave me a huge hug. It was what I needed ! My little angels back with me again. I gave them their presents, and Frances left because she wanted to get to her Bingo night out.
After the hussle and bustle of the day, it was nice to get the kids settled and to bed and finally spend some time with Al. We talked about the operation day. He said that he was beside himself with worry because he had expected to hear from Ellen sooner and when the hours were ticking past, he was working out all the different scenarios in his head.... how to tell the kids that their mother was dead.... If something awful had happened to me then how would Ellen call him and tell him... where would she find the words to say what had happened ? He was thinking the worst all day, until he heard my voice and then he was ok. Poor darling.
I apologised to him over and over for putting him through that. There was nothing Ellen could do to let him know earlier what was going on though, I was not at the ward so what could she tell him ? Anyway... I was here, home and ok. Those memories could be packed away and forgotten about because they were worse case scenarios that never actually happened. We fell into bed, exhausted tonight..... you don't need to know any more detail than that !!! lol
I slept fairly well over night. I was so scared of not being able to catch the flight home, through my own stupidity.... anyway. We were up at 5.30am. I decided there was not that much that needed to be done so the extra 1/2 hour in bed would be ok. Ellen was dead to the world !! She is not a morning person !! lol
My tummy was so sore that I had to open up my case and get a zantac out. I managed to squeeze my nightie and makeup back into the case too before closing it and locking it !! How it all went in I will never know !!
I was washed, dressed, got my make up on and had 1/2 a yoghurt to eat. I felt much better. I took zantac and paracetamol, the latter was a precautionary measure for the journey although I really did not need them. I drank my first 500ml of water too !! We waited on the taxi from 6.10am out the front of the hotel. She was late and did not arrive until 6.40am but it was ok. She had us at the airport by 8.20am
I called Al to let him know we were at the airport. He was still sleeping and Rachel answered the phone !!
We checked in - my case weighed 19.1kg, and Ellens was 18.9kg !! Most our cases were weighed down with chocolate !! lol She had my bag as her hand luggage too which was seriously heavy but she managed to sneek it on without anyone questioning it ! The wait in the gate was unbearable because the plane was delayed and the room was bunged. I sent a few texts to Al, Digger, Barbra, Jo and Lorraine, just to let them know I was on my way home. Al didn't sound very excited but Barbra said that he was when she saw him with the kids at the fireworks last night, and that he was looking forward to seeing me again. I was tearful all morning really, just so relieved to be going home, and on the other side of this frightening week. Time was dragging and it was not fair. We finally got on the plane and I got the window seat. Another delay in taking off. I was so annoyed !! When we finally taxi'd to the end of the runway, and the pilot floored it to take off, I had tears of joy rolling down my face !! Sad muppet. The flight home was beautiful. Fairly clear skies all the way, we flew along the English Channel and I could see the coastline of England all the way round to Kent. Then we turned at the Channel Islands and up via Bristol I guess and then across to Dublin via Liverpool. The sky line was just magnificent. The flight was very bumpy, it was windy up there !! Soon enough we were coming down, and Dublin was in sight. I wondered if Al was looking up and seeing my plane arriving.
We landed and my heart was going like the clappers. I was so excited. We got off the plane as soon as we could and made our way through the gate and then the hike to baggage reclaim. My mobile rang and there were a couple of texts from Al saying he was waiting on us. We got our bags and finally got to the arrival hall. We had to go up to the departures area so he could meet us there in the car. I text him to let him know we were there, and within moments I saw the car and he was there. OMG, it was so fantastic to see him. I flung my arms around him and kissed him. Police were trying to move us on, but I just needed to hold him and let him know how happy I was to be back with him again. What a long week it had been.
Then there was another surprise ! Rachel was lying down on the floor in the back of the car hiding.... suddenly she jumped up and 'surprise ' !! Seeing her little face was magic too. She had really wanted to see me, and had been really good for her Daddy all the way there too. She was as good as gold on the way home too.
The journey home was uneventful. We chatted and talked about the operation and my terrible experience last night.
When we got home, Aidan gave me a big hug, but Michael was a little stand offish to begin with. He soon came round though and came over and gave me a huge hug. It was what I needed ! My little angels back with me again. I gave them their presents, and Frances left because she wanted to get to her Bingo night out.
After the hussle and bustle of the day, it was nice to get the kids settled and to bed and finally spend some time with Al. We talked about the operation day. He said that he was beside himself with worry because he had expected to hear from Ellen sooner and when the hours were ticking past, he was working out all the different scenarios in his head.... how to tell the kids that their mother was dead.... If something awful had happened to me then how would Ellen call him and tell him... where would she find the words to say what had happened ? He was thinking the worst all day, until he heard my voice and then he was ok. Poor darling.
I apologised to him over and over for putting him through that. There was nothing Ellen could do to let him know earlier what was going on though, I was not at the ward so what could she tell him ? Anyway... I was here, home and ok. Those memories could be packed away and forgotten about because they were worse case scenarios that never actually happened. We fell into bed, exhausted tonight..... you don't need to know any more detail than that !!! lol
Sunday 29th October, 2006
The clocks changed last night. I slept pretty well and i can sleep on eaither side now too which is a first since the op ! Woke early, Ellen was snoring (lol) and I just sat here and wrote my diary. It was lovely to be so peaceful for a while.
We went to breakfast about 9am. I toasted 2 small slices of bread and took a yoghurt for later, and I also ate one. i had a cup of tea too. I managed 1 slice of toast, the yoghurt and the tea - felt full on what I had to the point of discomfort - it was funny seeing all these yummy things that I would have jumped at before - not wanting them now. Mind over matter I suppose. Al and the Kids phoned me during breakfast. I love hearing them, I miss them all so much. Al sounds good - tired but I am sure he is looking forward to seeing me again. I hope so anyway ! I began to feel a bit funny when we were at the breakfast table but I didn't know what was causing it. We went back to the room where I continued to feel quesy and a little light headed for about 30 minutes and then it passed. Was that a dump? I don't know.
If it was, I don't know what caused it. I had chewed the toast thoroughly, and I used the butter and jam that was the same as the stuff I used in hospital. Maybe it was the yoghurt, or the bread or the fact that I drank when I was eating. Ugh, I don't know.
We hung around in the room playing cards until the nurse arrived. She was due between 10 and 11am, but didn't show up until nearly 1pm. She was very brusque. She swooped in, looked at my dressings and was about to say they did not need to be changed, however, I asked her to change them to Mepore because the Opsite ones I had on were really itchy. She did this, and the wounds were healing well. She went to give me my heparin injection and we had a little stnad off over where to inject it. I cannot feel anything below the tummy button line since my C Sections, but she wanted to give it to me along the tummy button line stating that it was better absorbed here. What a load of cobblers !! Anyway... she gave me some more dressings, and some paracetamol tablets which dissolve in the mouth and are really effective.
Once she was away, Ellen and I went out for lunch. We just went round the corner and stopped at a cafe there. I had vegetable soup which was nice. We pottered around the shops this pm which was nice. I am certainly much easier today than yesterday - boads well for tomorrow and the next. We went back to the hotel for a little rest, a chat to the kids, a little mooch about and then we went back out for dinner. Guess what.... they offered me vegetable soup again. OK, I don't really have a choice but you'd think that a chicken and grill restaurant would do chicken soup !! No such luck !! It was ok, I managed about 1/2 a bowl before I was full.
We had a wander down to the market square and sat there for a while, putting the world to rights. It's such a beautiful place and I am glad I have been here and seen it. You will not keep the smile off my face tomorrow though because I will be going home !! Yay
We went to breakfast about 9am. I toasted 2 small slices of bread and took a yoghurt for later, and I also ate one. i had a cup of tea too. I managed 1 slice of toast, the yoghurt and the tea - felt full on what I had to the point of discomfort - it was funny seeing all these yummy things that I would have jumped at before - not wanting them now. Mind over matter I suppose. Al and the Kids phoned me during breakfast. I love hearing them, I miss them all so much. Al sounds good - tired but I am sure he is looking forward to seeing me again. I hope so anyway ! I began to feel a bit funny when we were at the breakfast table but I didn't know what was causing it. We went back to the room where I continued to feel quesy and a little light headed for about 30 minutes and then it passed. Was that a dump? I don't know.
If it was, I don't know what caused it. I had chewed the toast thoroughly, and I used the butter and jam that was the same as the stuff I used in hospital. Maybe it was the yoghurt, or the bread or the fact that I drank when I was eating. Ugh, I don't know.
We hung around in the room playing cards until the nurse arrived. She was due between 10 and 11am, but didn't show up until nearly 1pm. She was very brusque. She swooped in, looked at my dressings and was about to say they did not need to be changed, however, I asked her to change them to Mepore because the Opsite ones I had on were really itchy. She did this, and the wounds were healing well. She went to give me my heparin injection and we had a little stnad off over where to inject it. I cannot feel anything below the tummy button line since my C Sections, but she wanted to give it to me along the tummy button line stating that it was better absorbed here. What a load of cobblers !! Anyway... she gave me some more dressings, and some paracetamol tablets which dissolve in the mouth and are really effective.
Once she was away, Ellen and I went out for lunch. We just went round the corner and stopped at a cafe there. I had vegetable soup which was nice. We pottered around the shops this pm which was nice. I am certainly much easier today than yesterday - boads well for tomorrow and the next. We went back to the hotel for a little rest, a chat to the kids, a little mooch about and then we went back out for dinner. Guess what.... they offered me vegetable soup again. OK, I don't really have a choice but you'd think that a chicken and grill restaurant would do chicken soup !! No such luck !! It was ok, I managed about 1/2 a bowl before I was full.
We had a wander down to the market square and sat there for a while, putting the world to rights. It's such a beautiful place and I am glad I have been here and seen it. You will not keep the smile off my face tomorrow though because I will be going home !! Yay
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Saturday 28th October 2006
Had a great nights sleep, and actually didn't need the painkillers on the dot of 6 hours. They brought me some at 10pm but I didn't take them til 2am because I was settled and comfy and really did not want to move. I was awake at 2 though and thought, rather than leave it any longer, take them now so that I can sleep the rest of the night. I actually managed to sleep on my left side last night !! Now the drain is out I can do that !! Can't manage my right side yet because it pulls too much on the drain site.
It's so good to get rid of that drain. The student nurse removed the rest of it yesterday afternoon and it was ok actually. I was a little shocked to see the length of it !! It was like a computer cable, flat'ish and about 15-20 cm long, with about 6 little tubes all side by side making a strip. It was placed between my new pouch and my stomach which is now just an empty handbag, and out to the skin surface. Little wonder it hurt !
Today, I was presented with breakfast !! I had been told not to eat and drink at the same time, so this would be interesting. I had paracetamol fizzing away beside me needing to be drank, and there as a pot of tea which would be the first I'd had since tuesday, and there was 2 dutch crispbreads and a yoghurt. I put the yoghurt to the side for later because there was no way I would be able to even attempt that right there and then. I poured the tea to let it cool down, and I sipped the paracetamol while I buttered up the crispbreads. I thought they would be stodgier than that .... they melted to nothing in my mouth !! Very easy to eat. I took it slow though, it's amazing how you become complacant about eating. Before you know it, you have swallowed something that is way too big for the new pouch and then you are in trouble. I don't want to get into that trap so I will chew chew chew... !!!
It all went down ok. The tea stinks.... all tea over here stinks, but I will be home soon so I really don't care !
The nurse came and changed my dressings to waterproof ones and showed me where I could take a shower. Bliss. To finally get into a shower and get really clean again. Washed my hair again, and finally got my rear end properly clean again ! I felt great !! I got dressed and packed up the rest of my stuff. Yipee, another hurdle over !!
The dietician came to see me and check I was happy with everything. She told me that lunch would be minced up stuff. Ah well, whatever it takes I guess.
Ellem arrived while I was getting dressed. She has been such a star on this trip. I really don't know how I would have coped without her here. She has this unique way of making me laugh and smile when I am stiff and sore- but she has the nurses ability to know when I need to be quiet and sleep- and she tells me to rest up.
The nurse gave me my tablets and injections for home, and the letters I need for Dr Carlisle too.
Dr Dillemans finally arrived to see me and he checked my wounds and made sure all was ok. He was happy with my progress too, and we talked about my doing some promotional stuff for EOC when I got back home. He said he had a DVD and a powerpoint presentation too, to help me.
Lunch arrived and it was 3 small blobs of barely recognisable food ! Minced Chicken, mash and puree carrot.I ate it though because it was a requsite to discharge. It was ok.. better than it looked !
Marc came and gave us a lift home at 1.30. It was wonderful to get out !! Once I had unpacked at the hotel, we had a wander to the market aquare. We walked for 15 mins, sat and rested for 15 mins, walked, rested, walked, rested. It was great to be out in the fresh air and it did me heaps of good.
I was knackered when we got back so Ellen suggested I have a rest. She went out again for about an hour to get some dinner for herself to bring back to the room and have with me. I had a lovely sleep for an hour, and then we had some soup. I was pleased we did not go out again tonight. I was pooped !!
Talking of poop..... I have not been since wednesday morning !! Yikes.. ! Ok, there is not really much food in there to come out, and my bowel was stopped from the operation but it is working again now because I can feel it !! Wonder if I will go, ot just explode !!
It's so good to get rid of that drain. The student nurse removed the rest of it yesterday afternoon and it was ok actually. I was a little shocked to see the length of it !! It was like a computer cable, flat'ish and about 15-20 cm long, with about 6 little tubes all side by side making a strip. It was placed between my new pouch and my stomach which is now just an empty handbag, and out to the skin surface. Little wonder it hurt !
Today, I was presented with breakfast !! I had been told not to eat and drink at the same time, so this would be interesting. I had paracetamol fizzing away beside me needing to be drank, and there as a pot of tea which would be the first I'd had since tuesday, and there was 2 dutch crispbreads and a yoghurt. I put the yoghurt to the side for later because there was no way I would be able to even attempt that right there and then. I poured the tea to let it cool down, and I sipped the paracetamol while I buttered up the crispbreads. I thought they would be stodgier than that .... they melted to nothing in my mouth !! Very easy to eat. I took it slow though, it's amazing how you become complacant about eating. Before you know it, you have swallowed something that is way too big for the new pouch and then you are in trouble. I don't want to get into that trap so I will chew chew chew... !!!
It all went down ok. The tea stinks.... all tea over here stinks, but I will be home soon so I really don't care !
The nurse came and changed my dressings to waterproof ones and showed me where I could take a shower. Bliss. To finally get into a shower and get really clean again. Washed my hair again, and finally got my rear end properly clean again ! I felt great !! I got dressed and packed up the rest of my stuff. Yipee, another hurdle over !!
The dietician came to see me and check I was happy with everything. She told me that lunch would be minced up stuff. Ah well, whatever it takes I guess.
Ellem arrived while I was getting dressed. She has been such a star on this trip. I really don't know how I would have coped without her here. She has this unique way of making me laugh and smile when I am stiff and sore- but she has the nurses ability to know when I need to be quiet and sleep- and she tells me to rest up.
The nurse gave me my tablets and injections for home, and the letters I need for Dr Carlisle too.
Dr Dillemans finally arrived to see me and he checked my wounds and made sure all was ok. He was happy with my progress too, and we talked about my doing some promotional stuff for EOC when I got back home. He said he had a DVD and a powerpoint presentation too, to help me.
Lunch arrived and it was 3 small blobs of barely recognisable food ! Minced Chicken, mash and puree carrot.I ate it though because it was a requsite to discharge. It was ok.. better than it looked !
Marc came and gave us a lift home at 1.30. It was wonderful to get out !! Once I had unpacked at the hotel, we had a wander to the market aquare. We walked for 15 mins, sat and rested for 15 mins, walked, rested, walked, rested. It was great to be out in the fresh air and it did me heaps of good.
I was knackered when we got back so Ellen suggested I have a rest. She went out again for about an hour to get some dinner for herself to bring back to the room and have with me. I had a lovely sleep for an hour, and then we had some soup. I was pleased we did not go out again tonight. I was pooped !!
Talking of poop..... I have not been since wednesday morning !! Yikes.. ! Ok, there is not really much food in there to come out, and my bowel was stopped from the operation but it is working again now because I can feel it !! Wonder if I will go, ot just explode !!
Friday 27th October 2006
Fairly unsettled night. Sore, but no point asking the heartless cow of a night nurse for anything. I was up from 2 -4am, reading and listening to music. I went back over to sleep again until about 7am. Watched the sun rise over the city. Again, it was so pretty. I saw the air ambulance take off too.
The brought me water this morning !!! Heaps better than that evian spray that I have been squirting in my mouth. Water !!! Yay.. sips at first, and it was ok.
Ellen was late today, but I was hoping she had a better night with her tooth and that she was having a lie in. Turned out she was out on the lash last night and now suffering for it !! She had a dodgy chinese too which had her chucking up too.
I shuddered when I saw the morning staff today. This blonde nurse - middle aged lady, is a bit cack handed to say the least. She came to take my drain half out. Yikes.
I didn't think much of their aseptic technique ! She set out her sterile field, and was in the process of putting her dressings and things on to it. Then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a tissue, blew her nose on it, shoved it back in her pocket, and without even washing her hands, carried on doing the dressing. Holy hell. I know I should have perhaps said something, but I didn't want to piss her off incase she hurt me when she pulled the drain out. Turned out I should have said something, because she hurt me anyway. She was a bit rough and she pulled the drain so hard I cried. She put a big dressing pad over it and left it til later for the rest of it to come out. It felt much easier instantly. She took my drip down which was not before time either. It was starting to get sore and was awkward too.
I went to the bathroom and washed my hair in the sink in there. Not easy, but very necessary. If felt so good to feel clean again. I sat out and did my hairs and my make up. Then I watched a film to pass the time til Ellen came.
When she arrived, I said I fancied a stroll down to the front door and back.I knew I needed to visit the cashpoint to get money for Marc to give to the taxi lady to take us to the airport, and I thought I might get a sneeky fag in there too !! It really was my limit though, walking to the door and back. I was done when I got back to the ward, but I also felt quite triumphant !! I got pain killers when I got back. Now the drip was away, I had to try the fizzy paracetamol. Boy was that sore to get down me, but I just took it slowly and sipped away at it. It went down eventually.
The charge nurse came in to see me this morning when I was just out of the bathroom. He asked how I was doing and I said I was fine. He said that I did not look happy and was everything ok. I just lifted Al's photo and said 'I miss him' - he understood and left, like men do when they see a girls eyes welling up !!
I had a small pot of yoghurt or custard offered to me this evening. I look the custard. I took it really slowly, really gently, and it was ok. I ate about 3/4 of the pot and that was all I could dare to eat. I didn't get a full feeling, but I did get a feeling that I should stop there, so I did.
Dr Dillemans JHO came to see me and confirmed that I could go home tomorrow which is great ! I have packed already !! lol. Tomorrow is saturday and then I only have 2 more days and then I am home. I so want to hold Al - I miss him so much. I have missed the kids too, don't get me wrong, but they have been fine. They have had Frances fussing all over them, and Al has been looking after them. Al though, he has had to cope with the prospect that I might not have come back alive. He had to cope with a whole week without me, without any kisses, any cuddles, any reassuring hugs from me. BUT, now I am post op- I am feeling good and I am on my way home now !! Gettng back to the hotel tomorrow will be so good. The worst is behind me now. It can only get better from here.
I can't wait to see Al and feel his arms around me again. I know that I have just done the bravest thing in my whole life. Things are going to be superb for us now sweetheart. I am going to loose this weight and I am going to be slim and beautiful. This week has been scarey but it's nearly over now. I won !!! Show me the scales !! Bring it on !!
The brought me water this morning !!! Heaps better than that evian spray that I have been squirting in my mouth. Water !!! Yay.. sips at first, and it was ok.
Ellen was late today, but I was hoping she had a better night with her tooth and that she was having a lie in. Turned out she was out on the lash last night and now suffering for it !! She had a dodgy chinese too which had her chucking up too.
I shuddered when I saw the morning staff today. This blonde nurse - middle aged lady, is a bit cack handed to say the least. She came to take my drain half out. Yikes.
I didn't think much of their aseptic technique ! She set out her sterile field, and was in the process of putting her dressings and things on to it. Then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a tissue, blew her nose on it, shoved it back in her pocket, and without even washing her hands, carried on doing the dressing. Holy hell. I know I should have perhaps said something, but I didn't want to piss her off incase she hurt me when she pulled the drain out. Turned out I should have said something, because she hurt me anyway. She was a bit rough and she pulled the drain so hard I cried. She put a big dressing pad over it and left it til later for the rest of it to come out. It felt much easier instantly. She took my drip down which was not before time either. It was starting to get sore and was awkward too.
I went to the bathroom and washed my hair in the sink in there. Not easy, but very necessary. If felt so good to feel clean again. I sat out and did my hairs and my make up. Then I watched a film to pass the time til Ellen came.
When she arrived, I said I fancied a stroll down to the front door and back.I knew I needed to visit the cashpoint to get money for Marc to give to the taxi lady to take us to the airport, and I thought I might get a sneeky fag in there too !! It really was my limit though, walking to the door and back. I was done when I got back to the ward, but I also felt quite triumphant !! I got pain killers when I got back. Now the drip was away, I had to try the fizzy paracetamol. Boy was that sore to get down me, but I just took it slowly and sipped away at it. It went down eventually.
The charge nurse came in to see me this morning when I was just out of the bathroom. He asked how I was doing and I said I was fine. He said that I did not look happy and was everything ok. I just lifted Al's photo and said 'I miss him' - he understood and left, like men do when they see a girls eyes welling up !!
I had a small pot of yoghurt or custard offered to me this evening. I look the custard. I took it really slowly, really gently, and it was ok. I ate about 3/4 of the pot and that was all I could dare to eat. I didn't get a full feeling, but I did get a feeling that I should stop there, so I did.
Dr Dillemans JHO came to see me and confirmed that I could go home tomorrow which is great ! I have packed already !! lol. Tomorrow is saturday and then I only have 2 more days and then I am home. I so want to hold Al - I miss him so much. I have missed the kids too, don't get me wrong, but they have been fine. They have had Frances fussing all over them, and Al has been looking after them. Al though, he has had to cope with the prospect that I might not have come back alive. He had to cope with a whole week without me, without any kisses, any cuddles, any reassuring hugs from me. BUT, now I am post op- I am feeling good and I am on my way home now !! Gettng back to the hotel tomorrow will be so good. The worst is behind me now. It can only get better from here.
I can't wait to see Al and feel his arms around me again. I know that I have just done the bravest thing in my whole life. Things are going to be superb for us now sweetheart. I am going to loose this weight and I am going to be slim and beautiful. This week has been scarey but it's nearly over now. I won !!! Show me the scales !! Bring it on !!
Thursday 26th October, 2006
So, the operation was over. I am so thankful for that !! The pain today was something shocking though ! They told me to get up this morning and go to the bathroom and wash myself. I could barely see straight let alone walk straight !! The day staff came on duty and came in to check my dressings. As soon as she had done that, she said I needed to get up. She helped me hotch to the side of the bed, and my world was spinning !! She kept lifting my face up as I struggled to get my bearings. Once the room slowed down, she made me stand up. There is nothing like a shot of pain to make you wince like that ! I half walked, half hobbled to the bathroom where the room was still taken over by the 81 year olds things and her teeth. Her teeth were taken for her to have her breakfast while I was in there though !! I was sat down on the loo for a pee which was heavenly !! Then I was told to sit on a stool and wash myself. I couldn't help but think of the patients back home and how bloody easy they have it. We wash them and give them pain relief post op, and they hardly have to set foot out of bed for about 2 days. Lucky sods. Here was me, about 16 hours post op, and sitting here having to fend for myself. I took a look ( having shifted the old dears truly massive washbag) and saw I was pink !! The sterilising fluid from theatre was pink !! It was in my belly button, up to my neck and down to my woo ha !! Took me ages trying to get it off without getting my dressings wet. I wanted to wash my behind but the drain was not allowing me to turn or twist round, so it was impossible. The nurse had cleared off so there was no help forthcoming. I would just have to put up with it. Not good. Not that my bowel was working anyway. (When the bowel is touched - like in an operation - it stops its rhythmic movement and comes paralysed for a day or two). All the time yesterday when I was using the bedpan, it was a good thing I had baby wipes with me because these staff have never heard of offering loo roll. Anyway... it felt fantastic to get my own nightie on me. It felt great to feel a little more human having had a wash too. I was still connected to the drip which seemed to have the worlds slowest bag of fluid running, not that they were bothered. I tinkered with it a bit during the day to speed it up!! I was sure I was meant to have it a bit faster than 18 hours at a time !! My hair is a mess and my face is pretty shocking too, but so what.
I felt really sick but I was told it was the anaesthetic wearing off. She was probably right there, but it didn't stop the feeling that I was going to throw up. If throwing up would be possible... I am sure that it would hurt too.
I was given IV zantac to protect my stomach from ulceration, and I was given the IV paracetamol every 6 hours today. It was not worth asking for anything else incase I got my head bitten off again, however, I put up with it and in a way I am glad I did.
The stoma bag kept leaking today, and they kept coming and pulling the stoma off and putting the new one on. My poor skin there is raw !! Came off again tonight, but that cow of a night nurse ( same one as last night !) just taped it.
Dr Dillemans Registrar came to see me today, told me everything went well in theatre and that he was pleased with my progress so far. He checked my tummy, the drain site and the wounds, and then told me to stay Nil By Mouth until tomorrow, then to drink water and see how I go. The drain will come out tomorrow. Not looking forward to the process of getting it out, but looking forward to it not being in too !!
Marc came to see me too, which was really kind of him. Since he has been through the procedure too, he knows first hand how it feels. He told me that in his experience, yesterday and today are the worst days. He told me that tomorrow I will feel much better and the day after that better still. He said that when he was told he would walk out of there 3 days post op, he thought 'no way' which is what I am doing, but he said that the last 2 days were amazing, the rate of recovery. I am not thinking so much about the discharge day, but the flight home. Nothing can stop that. I am missing Al and the kids so much, it's tuesday that is keeping me sane !!
Al gave me his t shirt which he had been wearing, to bring with me. It sounds horrid I am sure, but I just needed to smell him, have something that was more tactile than a photo to look at, to make me feel closer to him. I have slept with that T shirt tucked under my chin, in my hand, so I can nuzzle it whenever I want to, and smell him. I had a little cry into it this morning when I was looking at his picture and feeling a million miles away from him.
Got talking to Al and the kids today and I heard Michael babbling away. It was fantastic to hear their voices. Mum and Dad have been phoning too which is nice. I never knew that they had been to Brugge. The picture that used to hang in the TV room in Frinton, which Mum painted, is of a place in Brugge. I grew up seeing that picture all the time and I never knew. I hope they don't mind parting with it and sending it my way !... either that or paint me a watercolour version of it !!
Al said that monday and tuesday were the hardest days for him because he was missing me. I am sure that yesterday was pretty traumatic for him. When I turned on my mobile phone there was a text on it from him saying he was going daft with worry and what was going on. Ellen really was not able to call him any sooner than she did though.
Ellen came up late this morning. and stayed a while and then went off and came back later on. I kept falling asleep, but I really could not help it.
She had tooth ache all night and was knackered looking. Digger sent me a text saying his tooth had fallen out in sympathy of my operation... what is it with me and my friends / husbands teeth ?!!
Talked to Al again this evening. We counted the days til we are together again but he discounted tomorrow because it is almost here already, so it didn't count. So, saturday, sunday, monday.... 3 days !! Reminds me of how we used to be when we were apart before I moved here. We used to take off the hours that we'd be sleeping so that we would only have to count the hours that we were awake and missing each other before we were back together again. Funny little things like that, which helped us cope with being apart. Soppy gits aren't we ?!!
I felt really sick but I was told it was the anaesthetic wearing off. She was probably right there, but it didn't stop the feeling that I was going to throw up. If throwing up would be possible... I am sure that it would hurt too.
I was given IV zantac to protect my stomach from ulceration, and I was given the IV paracetamol every 6 hours today. It was not worth asking for anything else incase I got my head bitten off again, however, I put up with it and in a way I am glad I did.
The stoma bag kept leaking today, and they kept coming and pulling the stoma off and putting the new one on. My poor skin there is raw !! Came off again tonight, but that cow of a night nurse ( same one as last night !) just taped it.
Dr Dillemans Registrar came to see me today, told me everything went well in theatre and that he was pleased with my progress so far. He checked my tummy, the drain site and the wounds, and then told me to stay Nil By Mouth until tomorrow, then to drink water and see how I go. The drain will come out tomorrow. Not looking forward to the process of getting it out, but looking forward to it not being in too !!
Marc came to see me too, which was really kind of him. Since he has been through the procedure too, he knows first hand how it feels. He told me that in his experience, yesterday and today are the worst days. He told me that tomorrow I will feel much better and the day after that better still. He said that when he was told he would walk out of there 3 days post op, he thought 'no way' which is what I am doing, but he said that the last 2 days were amazing, the rate of recovery. I am not thinking so much about the discharge day, but the flight home. Nothing can stop that. I am missing Al and the kids so much, it's tuesday that is keeping me sane !!
Al gave me his t shirt which he had been wearing, to bring with me. It sounds horrid I am sure, but I just needed to smell him, have something that was more tactile than a photo to look at, to make me feel closer to him. I have slept with that T shirt tucked under my chin, in my hand, so I can nuzzle it whenever I want to, and smell him. I had a little cry into it this morning when I was looking at his picture and feeling a million miles away from him.
Got talking to Al and the kids today and I heard Michael babbling away. It was fantastic to hear their voices. Mum and Dad have been phoning too which is nice. I never knew that they had been to Brugge. The picture that used to hang in the TV room in Frinton, which Mum painted, is of a place in Brugge. I grew up seeing that picture all the time and I never knew. I hope they don't mind parting with it and sending it my way !... either that or paint me a watercolour version of it !!
Al said that monday and tuesday were the hardest days for him because he was missing me. I am sure that yesterday was pretty traumatic for him. When I turned on my mobile phone there was a text on it from him saying he was going daft with worry and what was going on. Ellen really was not able to call him any sooner than she did though.
Ellen came up late this morning. and stayed a while and then went off and came back later on. I kept falling asleep, but I really could not help it.
She had tooth ache all night and was knackered looking. Digger sent me a text saying his tooth had fallen out in sympathy of my operation... what is it with me and my friends / husbands teeth ?!!
Talked to Al again this evening. We counted the days til we are together again but he discounted tomorrow because it is almost here already, so it didn't count. So, saturday, sunday, monday.... 3 days !! Reminds me of how we used to be when we were apart before I moved here. We used to take off the hours that we'd be sleeping so that we would only have to count the hours that we were awake and missing each other before we were back together again. Funny little things like that, which helped us cope with being apart. Soppy gits aren't we ?!!
Friday, November 03, 2006
Wednesday 25th October 2006
Operation day ! Got a broken nights sleep. Kept dreaming about a huge glass of water, and I was thinking about how many hours pre op I was, if I could actually drink a huge glass of water or not !! Needless to say I didn't! I stayed NBM from midnight, and got up at 6.30am. I went for a swim from 6.45 -7am while Ellen had a shower. She went for her breakfast while I showered and sorted out my hospital bag. I had a sneeky fag out of the window of the room. I was really beginning to to let the nerves build up, I really could not help it. We went out to the front of the hotel to wait on the taxi and I smoked a couple of fags. It was quite cold out there and I was shaking. Not sure if it was the cold or me causing it. Ellen was calm for me. I had a little cry before the others came outside. The taxi arrived about 8.10 and we all piled in. I held Ellens hand all the way there. Trying my hardest to control my now very fast heart rate. Sera was in the back with us, and somehow the conversation came round to being sterilised. Don't ask me how. I said that I had been sterilised too. She said something there and then that shocked me actually. She said that I was a very decisive person, I make my mind up on what I want and I go for it. Even something as major as sterilisation and now a gastric bypass. They are not easily reversed are they.
We took our ticket and waited like customers at a deli counter, to be called to get booked in. I went up and we went through the paper work, and I was told to go to Ward 10. The others were dispatched to ward 11. I was sad that we were not together. We went up in the lift with Mo and Sera and as they could clearly see I was bricking it, they said a little prayer for me and asked for my guardian angel to watch over me. It was such a comfort to hear their words. If you read this Sera, Mo, Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You don't know what that meant to me at that time.
We went and found the charge nurse on Ward 10 and were told to wait in the waiting room. When he finally came, I was clerked in nursing wise, allergies, medications, previous health issues, name band. Then he took me to room 1060. I was to share with an 81 year old Beligan lady who hardly spoke a word of English. She appeared at first glance to have taken over the room as her own. She was in theatre when I got there, but on visiting the bathroom, her things were all over it. Her towels, her flannels, her washbag occluding the mirror, her toothbrush pot, her teeth even. It was covering every surface. She had sole use of the TV remote control too.
I was shown the nurse call bell handset, which was also the phone, and light switch. He told me to go down for an ECG. I did this, which was ok. All normal. Just routine. Then we went down to the front reception again to get a phone card sorted out. It was a complicated process because the receptionist really did not speak very good english. I am still confused as to how it works, but hey ho.
I had my last fag, and then went back up to get changed into my theatre gown.
OMG was it short or what !! It was not decent to remove my trousers and undies until the last minute. I kept them on !! At least it went round me, that was a concern at first !
We sat about, feeling tired and flicking through magazines. Ellen went down to the canteen to get a drink and something to eat, and saw Julie's husband down there drinking a beer !! She was in theatre so I guess he was just making the most of his time there ! A hospital that sells beer, that is a new one !
I called Al on the phone and told him the number to call me on, and I called Mum and Dad and did likewise. I had been told 2pm by Dr Dillemans, and 5pm by the charge nurse, so I was shocked when at 1.20 they came to take me down. Knickers and trousers off, and into bed. I made a super swift call to Al to tell him I loved him. Then I was wheeled off down the corridor, as Ellen disappeared out of sight.
Down in the lift to the 4th floor, through a maze of doors and corridors to a recovery room. I needed to pee, and said to the nurse that I needed to. I had not been told to before I left the ward so it just had not happened up there. I was ushered to the staff loo and back again, theatre gown gaping !!
They asked me to get myself over from my bed onto the operating table which had been wheeled to my bedside. It was not an easy task because these 2 skinny bits were huffing at me and telling me not to sit here or there, just get over onto it. Grrrr. I got onto the table eventually and it was hard as rock. My neck and back were killing me before we had even got anywhere.
I was wheeled into the anaesthetics room by which time I really was beside myslef. 'What am I doing here' I kept thinking... no, yelling at myself. The anaesthetics nurse put a venflon in my left hand and started a drip going, and then padded me up for the cardiac monitor. Dr Dillemans opened the theatre door in front of me and asked me if I was ok. I said that I was shitting myself and to just get on with it ! I could see Mo or Sera's dark skin, on the table infront of me. I was told to lie back down and then came the IV sedation and mask. I just told myself what Al had said to me.... ' a few deep breaths and you will not know anymore'. Off I went.
The first I remember was being lifted on a sheet i think over onto my bed. Then I had the sensation that I could not breathe, which from my days in theatres is all routine stuff, where the level of consciousness and ability to breath independently is based on the patients own gag refex. Once they try and remove their own airway, then it is time to extubate. It is a horrid horrid feeling all the same. The pillow was really badly placed and my neck was so sore I didn't know where to put myself. Then came the pain from my stomach. Holy hell. Nobody told me it would hurt like this. I called out for pain relief, and was soon given a jag in the leg I think. It must have been morphine but intramuscular, it took a while to work. Intravenous would have been nicer. I had an O2 mask on, but I felt so sick and I pulled at the mask so hard the elastic snapped out of the mask. I was really panicing, and I was not doing myself any favours. Soon enough the pain killers were beginning to work on me, and I had to then talk myself down from this state of panic. The recovery staff sure as hell were not going to do it for me. Good job I am a nurse and I know the score. I could see where non medical folk would become seriously stressed out here.
I told myself to breath the oxygen, because that would bring me out of the anaesthetic quicker. I made myself put the mask on and keep it there. Then I tried to move the pillow, but I really could not move anything because I was so sore. I tried to call them to help me, but they were busy doing goodness knows what. I then told myself that the sooner I calmed down, the sooner I would be deemed 'fit to go back to the ward' and as soon as that could happen, the better. Ellen would have had a field day there with them !
I heard a male nurse say my name on the phone, and then off we went back to the ward. Hallelujah. I had no idea that I had been away for 3 1/2 hours.
Seeing Ellens face was the best thing ever. It was over, and I had done it !! Getting back to the ward post op was part of the trip which I could never envisage. As soon as the staff had gone, and I had done a quick body check to find out what was happening under my covers. 4 patches on my tummy and a stoma bag with some runny blood type liquid in it on my left side. That and the middle one were the sorest. I felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest pressing on my breastbone. The drain on the left limited my ability to turn so I chose to lie still !!
Ellen lifted the phone to call Al. Poor guy must have been beside himself. I spoke to him and told him I was ok. I am sure he didn't have a clue what I was saying but I just needed him to know that I was ok. While I was on the phone, Ellen grabbed my hand and put my wedding ring back on it. She told me that it had been off long enough already ! Thank you my darling friend, you are an angel.
The rest of the evening is a bit of a blur. I just needed to sleep while the pain was controlled. I must have been terrible company for Ellen. I am sure she understood though. It was so good to know that she was close by. She went home quite late I think, and I remember calling Alan again when I was a little more coherant. He said he'd get Rachel to call when she got in from Brownies, but that call never came. I guess they turn the phones off after 9pm Brugge time. Shame really, I wanted to hear her little voice, and to hear about her Brownie badges that she was doing tonight.
I was given IV paracetamol about 6 or 7ish, which was quite effective but by 23.45 I was really getting sore again. I called for a nurse to get me some pain killers and they answered on the handset thing saying they would be down to me shortly, but an hour later they still were not there. I kept pressing the buzzer til they came to me. I didn't know where to put myself by this stage, I was in pain. The auxilary came in and brusquely said, 'it's not time yet'. I told her I was in agony and I needed something. She cleared off and the staff nurse came. She told me to wait another hour for the IV paracetamol. I told her I really couldn't. I was really in a lot of pain and I needed something to relieve it. If she had bothered to look, I was writhing about and my heart rate was probably going like the clappers, but she protested that I should wait, that the doctors did not want me to have anything else, that I needed to wait, and that the other pain killer would slow down the healing process of the bowel. Then she tried to put me off by saying it was 'a jag in the butt' ( wonder what American TV show she learnt that off, because it certainly is not Casualty or Holby speak !!)but she could see she was not winning this one. She gave up and went and got the injection of 'Whatever it was' to jag in my butt. I got relief finally. Phew....
A couple of hours later, with quite a bit of IV fluid in me, I felt like I should pee. I called for a bed pan. Now you need to know that the forces of gravity work against you when you use one of these things, and also all the instinctive messages not to pee the bed are rife when you are in the bed and you are on a bed pan. It's bloody hard work!! I had to wait and push and squeeze every drop I could out. Hideous feeling, but necessary. I really did not want my bladder to go into retention and need a catheter. I was on and off the thing all night. The 81 year old seemed to use my queue to use one too, so the pair of us were perched at the same time lol.
I dozed all night on and off, but was awake to see the most beautiful dawn sun rise ove Brugge. From the 10th floor, it really is something to behold. The sky went pink and turquoise and the skyline illuminated as the sun peeped over. Magical. The start of my first day POST OP !! YAY
We took our ticket and waited like customers at a deli counter, to be called to get booked in. I went up and we went through the paper work, and I was told to go to Ward 10. The others were dispatched to ward 11. I was sad that we were not together. We went up in the lift with Mo and Sera and as they could clearly see I was bricking it, they said a little prayer for me and asked for my guardian angel to watch over me. It was such a comfort to hear their words. If you read this Sera, Mo, Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You don't know what that meant to me at that time.
We went and found the charge nurse on Ward 10 and were told to wait in the waiting room. When he finally came, I was clerked in nursing wise, allergies, medications, previous health issues, name band. Then he took me to room 1060. I was to share with an 81 year old Beligan lady who hardly spoke a word of English. She appeared at first glance to have taken over the room as her own. She was in theatre when I got there, but on visiting the bathroom, her things were all over it. Her towels, her flannels, her washbag occluding the mirror, her toothbrush pot, her teeth even. It was covering every surface. She had sole use of the TV remote control too.
I was shown the nurse call bell handset, which was also the phone, and light switch. He told me to go down for an ECG. I did this, which was ok. All normal. Just routine. Then we went down to the front reception again to get a phone card sorted out. It was a complicated process because the receptionist really did not speak very good english. I am still confused as to how it works, but hey ho.
I had my last fag, and then went back up to get changed into my theatre gown.
OMG was it short or what !! It was not decent to remove my trousers and undies until the last minute. I kept them on !! At least it went round me, that was a concern at first !
We sat about, feeling tired and flicking through magazines. Ellen went down to the canteen to get a drink and something to eat, and saw Julie's husband down there drinking a beer !! She was in theatre so I guess he was just making the most of his time there ! A hospital that sells beer, that is a new one !
I called Al on the phone and told him the number to call me on, and I called Mum and Dad and did likewise. I had been told 2pm by Dr Dillemans, and 5pm by the charge nurse, so I was shocked when at 1.20 they came to take me down. Knickers and trousers off, and into bed. I made a super swift call to Al to tell him I loved him. Then I was wheeled off down the corridor, as Ellen disappeared out of sight.
Down in the lift to the 4th floor, through a maze of doors and corridors to a recovery room. I needed to pee, and said to the nurse that I needed to. I had not been told to before I left the ward so it just had not happened up there. I was ushered to the staff loo and back again, theatre gown gaping !!
They asked me to get myself over from my bed onto the operating table which had been wheeled to my bedside. It was not an easy task because these 2 skinny bits were huffing at me and telling me not to sit here or there, just get over onto it. Grrrr. I got onto the table eventually and it was hard as rock. My neck and back were killing me before we had even got anywhere.
I was wheeled into the anaesthetics room by which time I really was beside myslef. 'What am I doing here' I kept thinking... no, yelling at myself. The anaesthetics nurse put a venflon in my left hand and started a drip going, and then padded me up for the cardiac monitor. Dr Dillemans opened the theatre door in front of me and asked me if I was ok. I said that I was shitting myself and to just get on with it ! I could see Mo or Sera's dark skin, on the table infront of me. I was told to lie back down and then came the IV sedation and mask. I just told myself what Al had said to me.... ' a few deep breaths and you will not know anymore'. Off I went.
The first I remember was being lifted on a sheet i think over onto my bed. Then I had the sensation that I could not breathe, which from my days in theatres is all routine stuff, where the level of consciousness and ability to breath independently is based on the patients own gag refex. Once they try and remove their own airway, then it is time to extubate. It is a horrid horrid feeling all the same. The pillow was really badly placed and my neck was so sore I didn't know where to put myself. Then came the pain from my stomach. Holy hell. Nobody told me it would hurt like this. I called out for pain relief, and was soon given a jag in the leg I think. It must have been morphine but intramuscular, it took a while to work. Intravenous would have been nicer. I had an O2 mask on, but I felt so sick and I pulled at the mask so hard the elastic snapped out of the mask. I was really panicing, and I was not doing myself any favours. Soon enough the pain killers were beginning to work on me, and I had to then talk myself down from this state of panic. The recovery staff sure as hell were not going to do it for me. Good job I am a nurse and I know the score. I could see where non medical folk would become seriously stressed out here.
I told myself to breath the oxygen, because that would bring me out of the anaesthetic quicker. I made myself put the mask on and keep it there. Then I tried to move the pillow, but I really could not move anything because I was so sore. I tried to call them to help me, but they were busy doing goodness knows what. I then told myself that the sooner I calmed down, the sooner I would be deemed 'fit to go back to the ward' and as soon as that could happen, the better. Ellen would have had a field day there with them !
I heard a male nurse say my name on the phone, and then off we went back to the ward. Hallelujah. I had no idea that I had been away for 3 1/2 hours.
Seeing Ellens face was the best thing ever. It was over, and I had done it !! Getting back to the ward post op was part of the trip which I could never envisage. As soon as the staff had gone, and I had done a quick body check to find out what was happening under my covers. 4 patches on my tummy and a stoma bag with some runny blood type liquid in it on my left side. That and the middle one were the sorest. I felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest pressing on my breastbone. The drain on the left limited my ability to turn so I chose to lie still !!
Ellen lifted the phone to call Al. Poor guy must have been beside himself. I spoke to him and told him I was ok. I am sure he didn't have a clue what I was saying but I just needed him to know that I was ok. While I was on the phone, Ellen grabbed my hand and put my wedding ring back on it. She told me that it had been off long enough already ! Thank you my darling friend, you are an angel.
The rest of the evening is a bit of a blur. I just needed to sleep while the pain was controlled. I must have been terrible company for Ellen. I am sure she understood though. It was so good to know that she was close by. She went home quite late I think, and I remember calling Alan again when I was a little more coherant. He said he'd get Rachel to call when she got in from Brownies, but that call never came. I guess they turn the phones off after 9pm Brugge time. Shame really, I wanted to hear her little voice, and to hear about her Brownie badges that she was doing tonight.
I was given IV paracetamol about 6 or 7ish, which was quite effective but by 23.45 I was really getting sore again. I called for a nurse to get me some pain killers and they answered on the handset thing saying they would be down to me shortly, but an hour later they still were not there. I kept pressing the buzzer til they came to me. I didn't know where to put myself by this stage, I was in pain. The auxilary came in and brusquely said, 'it's not time yet'. I told her I was in agony and I needed something. She cleared off and the staff nurse came. She told me to wait another hour for the IV paracetamol. I told her I really couldn't. I was really in a lot of pain and I needed something to relieve it. If she had bothered to look, I was writhing about and my heart rate was probably going like the clappers, but she protested that I should wait, that the doctors did not want me to have anything else, that I needed to wait, and that the other pain killer would slow down the healing process of the bowel. Then she tried to put me off by saying it was 'a jag in the butt' ( wonder what American TV show she learnt that off, because it certainly is not Casualty or Holby speak !!)but she could see she was not winning this one. She gave up and went and got the injection of 'Whatever it was' to jag in my butt. I got relief finally. Phew....
A couple of hours later, with quite a bit of IV fluid in me, I felt like I should pee. I called for a bed pan. Now you need to know that the forces of gravity work against you when you use one of these things, and also all the instinctive messages not to pee the bed are rife when you are in the bed and you are on a bed pan. It's bloody hard work!! I had to wait and push and squeeze every drop I could out. Hideous feeling, but necessary. I really did not want my bladder to go into retention and need a catheter. I was on and off the thing all night. The 81 year old seemed to use my queue to use one too, so the pair of us were perched at the same time lol.
I dozed all night on and off, but was awake to see the most beautiful dawn sun rise ove Brugge. From the 10th floor, it really is something to behold. The sky went pink and turquoise and the skyline illuminated as the sun peeped over. Magical. The start of my first day POST OP !! YAY
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Tuesday 24th October 2006
Had a really good nights sleep. Going to see Dr Dillemans this morning. Breakfast first ! Missing Al so much it hurts. The kids too, in a different way.. does that make sense ?
Later :- Had a good meeting with Dr Dillemans. There was a stuff up with the taxi to take us to the hospital and only 2 took the taxi and cleared off while the rest of us had to order another one each. We all got there eventually though. I had to see the dietician first which was ok. She weighed and measured me. I scared myself with how much I had increased my weight in the last week. I was 20 stone 7 with a BMI of 49. I thought that it really was not worth getting upset about though, because that was all about to change. She gave me some details about the post op diet plan which was all straight forward, and then I had to go and get some bloods done. After that, I had to wait til we were all called for a joint consultation with Dr Dillemans. He was running late so we kind of got aquainted with each other. Sera and Mo were sisters from Hackney in London. We'd seen them at breakfast time, but neither looked like likely candidates for WLS ! All the same, they were here for a band. Julie was the other lady, who was from Newcastle. She was pretty big too like me and I thought, 'she has to be having an RNY'. I don't think she even knew what an RNY was. She was having the band. When Dr D came, he started going through our folders and talking about us individually, and explaining the suitability of our chosen operation. I could see he was angling Julie toward and RNY, but could not come outright and tell her incase it was seen as trying to up his financial intake. It had nothing to do with money. I am sure the guy is rolling about in it, however it is to do with Julie and her husbands finances maybe, so if she has chosen the band, then so be it. It will probably give her 60% excess weight loss at least, as long as she sticks to the plan. I hope for her sake she manages to.
He seemed supportive of my operation straight away which was good. He could tell I had researched the operation and was not entering this with my eyes closed. He wanted to see me privately after the others had gone, claiming he wanted to see my previous operation scars, however when everyone else left, he never even examined me ! We talked about how I was keen on helping EOC and promoting it in Northern Ireland, and learning about Lap band fills. He was very keen for me to do this, and I really am, once I am back on my feet. Let's get tomorrow out the way first !
Dr Dillemans is a charming, charismatic man, with a wealth of information and experience oozing out of every oriface. He is very easy on the eye too !! I felt reassured by him. I was not keen on the joint consultation at first, but then i thought, what the hell, we are all big and all in the same boat here with our BMI's on the increase from our original estimate ! With all the i's dotted and the t's crossed, we got the bus back into town.
Ellen and I hit the shops and got lots of bits and bobs for the kids and Al and Frances. It was good to get that done. I have no idea what I will be like post op and would rather get things now than go back with a case bereft of presents for the kids ! Brugge has a miriad of strong sweet smelling Chocolate shops. It's almost overpowering to the point where it turns you queasy in some ! Ellen went daft in lots of them, and I was happy as long as she was enjoying herself. She has been so fantastic and I am so happy she is here with me. We went on a horse and cart ride which was great, but used up the time that I had hoped to have a waffle. It was my sole intention to have one last Belgian Waffle today.Once we got back after the horse and cart ride, they were all closing. I was really dissapointed but thought, 'ah well'.
We went back to the hotel and I went for a swim.I was looking at the clock and thinking how odd it was that last wednesday I was thinking, this time next week it will all be over. This time I was thinking, 'this time tomorrow, it will all be over'.
We went out for dinner. Just chicken and chips, nothing special. I was still lamenting the missed opportunity to have a waffle. Ellen suggested we take a wander round the market square after dinner. To our amazement and utter delight, we found one place that was serving waffles. I was giddy with excitement, and I was so happy to be able to have my waffle that I actually cried. The people around us must have thought we were on something, laughing like hyena's and me bawling my eyes out ! The poor waiter !!!! The waffle was heaven.It was a big waffle with cream and ice cream, fresh strawberries and warm chocolate sauce that sat in pools in the waffle holes. It was the most wonderful thing of my whole trip !!
Ellen and I had a long walk all around the different side streets of Brugge, looking in windows, talking non stop and having a ball. She made me laugh so much, and made my last night pre op such a better experience than I could ever have imagined. I will be eternally in her debt for tonight. Thank you Ellen, you are one in a million ! ( But you know that already !)
We watched the film 'Click' on my PPC tonight before going to bed. It was funny, especially when he'd lost a load of weight was left with a huge tummy flap. He was waving it at his ex wife and talking away like it was something to play with !
I called Alan and told him that I loved him and missed him, and the kids. If only he knew how much I was missing him. The space inside me is gaping. Not long though and I will be back in his arms forever more. I love him and our kids more than life itself and always will.
Later :- Had a good meeting with Dr Dillemans. There was a stuff up with the taxi to take us to the hospital and only 2 took the taxi and cleared off while the rest of us had to order another one each. We all got there eventually though. I had to see the dietician first which was ok. She weighed and measured me. I scared myself with how much I had increased my weight in the last week. I was 20 stone 7 with a BMI of 49. I thought that it really was not worth getting upset about though, because that was all about to change. She gave me some details about the post op diet plan which was all straight forward, and then I had to go and get some bloods done. After that, I had to wait til we were all called for a joint consultation with Dr Dillemans. He was running late so we kind of got aquainted with each other. Sera and Mo were sisters from Hackney in London. We'd seen them at breakfast time, but neither looked like likely candidates for WLS ! All the same, they were here for a band. Julie was the other lady, who was from Newcastle. She was pretty big too like me and I thought, 'she has to be having an RNY'. I don't think she even knew what an RNY was. She was having the band. When Dr D came, he started going through our folders and talking about us individually, and explaining the suitability of our chosen operation. I could see he was angling Julie toward and RNY, but could not come outright and tell her incase it was seen as trying to up his financial intake. It had nothing to do with money. I am sure the guy is rolling about in it, however it is to do with Julie and her husbands finances maybe, so if she has chosen the band, then so be it. It will probably give her 60% excess weight loss at least, as long as she sticks to the plan. I hope for her sake she manages to.
He seemed supportive of my operation straight away which was good. He could tell I had researched the operation and was not entering this with my eyes closed. He wanted to see me privately after the others had gone, claiming he wanted to see my previous operation scars, however when everyone else left, he never even examined me ! We talked about how I was keen on helping EOC and promoting it in Northern Ireland, and learning about Lap band fills. He was very keen for me to do this, and I really am, once I am back on my feet. Let's get tomorrow out the way first !
Dr Dillemans is a charming, charismatic man, with a wealth of information and experience oozing out of every oriface. He is very easy on the eye too !! I felt reassured by him. I was not keen on the joint consultation at first, but then i thought, what the hell, we are all big and all in the same boat here with our BMI's on the increase from our original estimate ! With all the i's dotted and the t's crossed, we got the bus back into town.
Ellen and I hit the shops and got lots of bits and bobs for the kids and Al and Frances. It was good to get that done. I have no idea what I will be like post op and would rather get things now than go back with a case bereft of presents for the kids ! Brugge has a miriad of strong sweet smelling Chocolate shops. It's almost overpowering to the point where it turns you queasy in some ! Ellen went daft in lots of them, and I was happy as long as she was enjoying herself. She has been so fantastic and I am so happy she is here with me. We went on a horse and cart ride which was great, but used up the time that I had hoped to have a waffle. It was my sole intention to have one last Belgian Waffle today.Once we got back after the horse and cart ride, they were all closing. I was really dissapointed but thought, 'ah well'.
We went back to the hotel and I went for a swim.I was looking at the clock and thinking how odd it was that last wednesday I was thinking, this time next week it will all be over. This time I was thinking, 'this time tomorrow, it will all be over'.
We went out for dinner. Just chicken and chips, nothing special. I was still lamenting the missed opportunity to have a waffle. Ellen suggested we take a wander round the market square after dinner. To our amazement and utter delight, we found one place that was serving waffles. I was giddy with excitement, and I was so happy to be able to have my waffle that I actually cried. The people around us must have thought we were on something, laughing like hyena's and me bawling my eyes out ! The poor waiter !!!! The waffle was heaven.It was a big waffle with cream and ice cream, fresh strawberries and warm chocolate sauce that sat in pools in the waffle holes. It was the most wonderful thing of my whole trip !!
Ellen and I had a long walk all around the different side streets of Brugge, looking in windows, talking non stop and having a ball. She made me laugh so much, and made my last night pre op such a better experience than I could ever have imagined. I will be eternally in her debt for tonight. Thank you Ellen, you are one in a million ! ( But you know that already !)
We watched the film 'Click' on my PPC tonight before going to bed. It was funny, especially when he'd lost a load of weight was left with a huge tummy flap. He was waving it at his ex wife and talking away like it was something to play with !
I called Alan and told him that I loved him and missed him, and the kids. If only he knew how much I was missing him. The space inside me is gaping. Not long though and I will be back in his arms forever more. I love him and our kids more than life itself and always will.
Monday 23rd October 2006
The drive to Dublin took 2 1/4 hours. I was feeling tearful on and off all the way there, contemplating Alan leaving me there. He as very tight lipped all the way. It was clear he was trying to be strong for me although deeply hurting inside too. We arrived at the airport at 2am and he was very swift ! He got out the car, put the cases out and gave me a big hug and kiss and then left. No time to regret, change my mind, or to burst into tears on each other ! I watched the car disappear into the distance and knew that we were crossing points of no return with every step we were taking that night and in the next few days. I bet he cried. He likes to think he can hide it from me but I know him !
Ellen and I mooched about the airport and grabbed a hot chocolate drink. From the moment I took that I felt unwell.
We checked in about 4.15am. Al sent me a text to let me know he was home and going to bed. It was good to know that he was home safe and sound. I wished I was there with him too. We went to the departure gate which was some hike lol, and onto the plane at 6.05am. I fell asleep pretty soon after take off, but woke up 3/4 hour later feeling really unwell. I felt sick and dizzy as if I was about to pass out. Ellen got a wet wipe out and wiped my face which helped, and gave me a drink of fanta which raised my blood sugar levels again. I must have had a hypo but I felt better soon enough. When we arrived at Charleroi ( pronounced Char low ar)we got our bags and were preparing to get the shuttle bus to Brussles train station when Ellen saw someone standing with a page with my name on it. She was a taxi driver ! I said that I had cancelled this taxi but clearly she had not been told. She phoned Marc ( Dr D's PA) and explained the confusion, and he told me on her phone to just take the taxi as the mistake was theirs, and we would not have to pay for it. I was much relieved because I still felt pretty rough from the sleepless night and the flight. I fell asleep in the car too and missed seeing the beauty of Belgium which was a shame but I really was done !
The hotel was nice enough, clean and tidy, the room was comfy although dark as a black hole! Not really 4* but it sufficed. There was a swimming pool just 3 doors down the hall, but the jacuzzi was not there ! Shame that.
We went for a wander to find somewhere to have lunch. I didn't feel much better after we'd eaten but I was just too tired to think straight or enjoy anything much, and I was already missing Al and the kids deeply.
We came back to the room and had a sleep from 2pm - 6pm. I was feeling much more human thereafter and we went and took a swim. Ellen did not venture into the pool but went to the sauna instead, and I got chatting with a lady who was easily 35 stone. She was unfortunately stuck in the pool. She'd been trying for 1/2 hour to get out but she found the ladder was too high to get her leg up to it, and even if she did she could not muster the strength to haul her body out of the water and pull on the ladder to get herself out. It took 3 of us to get her out. I really put my foot in it big time with her though. I knew that there were 3 other EOC patients at the hotel but wrongly assumed she was one of them. She was highly insulted when I asked if she was also for the hospital on wednesday like me. She made disgusted faces, and 'as if I would need that' looks at me. The honest trust was this. She did need it, and soon, but she had not got to that stage in her life where she could see that her body was out of control. Seeing her made me more determined to put an end to my problem asap though.
We had a wander round Brugge after dinner, and it was really really pretty. They really have some lovely architecture, and some seriously old buidings here. The market square was beautifully lit up at night and the bells in the tower ring out some tune every 1/4 - 1/2 hour which is really quaint !
I had hoped that I could use the wi-fi access to skype Al and the kids while at the hotel. Sadly the wifi access was not it's all cracked up to be. He could bearly hear me so it was a shambles from the out. We chose to use the frighteningly expensive mobile phone option instead. Whatever it costs, it costs.
I miss him and the kids so badly. I feel like I have an empty hole inside me. I love him so much. He and the kids are my life. Roll on next tuesday.
Ellen and I mooched about the airport and grabbed a hot chocolate drink. From the moment I took that I felt unwell.
We checked in about 4.15am. Al sent me a text to let me know he was home and going to bed. It was good to know that he was home safe and sound. I wished I was there with him too. We went to the departure gate which was some hike lol, and onto the plane at 6.05am. I fell asleep pretty soon after take off, but woke up 3/4 hour later feeling really unwell. I felt sick and dizzy as if I was about to pass out. Ellen got a wet wipe out and wiped my face which helped, and gave me a drink of fanta which raised my blood sugar levels again. I must have had a hypo but I felt better soon enough. When we arrived at Charleroi ( pronounced Char low ar)we got our bags and were preparing to get the shuttle bus to Brussles train station when Ellen saw someone standing with a page with my name on it. She was a taxi driver ! I said that I had cancelled this taxi but clearly she had not been told. She phoned Marc ( Dr D's PA) and explained the confusion, and he told me on her phone to just take the taxi as the mistake was theirs, and we would not have to pay for it. I was much relieved because I still felt pretty rough from the sleepless night and the flight. I fell asleep in the car too and missed seeing the beauty of Belgium which was a shame but I really was done !
The hotel was nice enough, clean and tidy, the room was comfy although dark as a black hole! Not really 4* but it sufficed. There was a swimming pool just 3 doors down the hall, but the jacuzzi was not there ! Shame that.
We went for a wander to find somewhere to have lunch. I didn't feel much better after we'd eaten but I was just too tired to think straight or enjoy anything much, and I was already missing Al and the kids deeply.
We came back to the room and had a sleep from 2pm - 6pm. I was feeling much more human thereafter and we went and took a swim. Ellen did not venture into the pool but went to the sauna instead, and I got chatting with a lady who was easily 35 stone. She was unfortunately stuck in the pool. She'd been trying for 1/2 hour to get out but she found the ladder was too high to get her leg up to it, and even if she did she could not muster the strength to haul her body out of the water and pull on the ladder to get herself out. It took 3 of us to get her out. I really put my foot in it big time with her though. I knew that there were 3 other EOC patients at the hotel but wrongly assumed she was one of them. She was highly insulted when I asked if she was also for the hospital on wednesday like me. She made disgusted faces, and 'as if I would need that' looks at me. The honest trust was this. She did need it, and soon, but she had not got to that stage in her life where she could see that her body was out of control. Seeing her made me more determined to put an end to my problem asap though.
We had a wander round Brugge after dinner, and it was really really pretty. They really have some lovely architecture, and some seriously old buidings here. The market square was beautifully lit up at night and the bells in the tower ring out some tune every 1/4 - 1/2 hour which is really quaint !
I had hoped that I could use the wi-fi access to skype Al and the kids while at the hotel. Sadly the wifi access was not it's all cracked up to be. He could bearly hear me so it was a shambles from the out. We chose to use the frighteningly expensive mobile phone option instead. Whatever it costs, it costs.
I miss him and the kids so badly. I feel like I have an empty hole inside me. I love him so much. He and the kids are my life. Roll on next tuesday.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Sunday 22nd October, 2006
Well, my bags are sitting in the car ready to go. I am feeling ok as it happens. I really am. Ellen is here and Frances is here and the kids are in bed. Rachel was very upset going to bed tonight but she settled when Alan went up for get a couple of hours kip before leaving. I kept it together for her sake all day, but had a little cry when I came down stairs.
I will keep it short here because I should be sociable. I will try and post from Bruges.
So... here I go. Roll on next tuesday when I am home again.
Al, I love you and the kids to bits. Thank you for supporting me through this op. You have been so amazing, and I love you forever and for always.
xxxxxxxxx
I will keep it short here because I should be sociable. I will try and post from Bruges.
So... here I go. Roll on next tuesday when I am home again.
Al, I love you and the kids to bits. Thank you for supporting me through this op. You have been so amazing, and I love you forever and for always.
xxxxxxxxx
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Tuesday 17th October 2006
The weekend is creeping up on me. I think I am ready one moment and then I burst into tears the next !! I read on someones journal on the WLS info forum that 3 people from the forum died last year, but apparently it was not the WLS that finished them off. All the same it gave me the eebie jeebies. That said, I know the risks are really low. I have more risk of death every time I get in my car and drive somewhere than I will having this op. It kind of puts it back in perspective.
I have packed a load of things in my case already, and this morning I went and had a wander round the shops, and made myself look at the size 20 stuff which I hope I can fit into by Christmas. I was pleasantly surprised that there was a good selection which looked nice, and this made me feel better. I got a few bits and bobs for the kids too, as a little treat for while I am away. Mainly for Aidan and Rachel because there is a loft full of things that Michael has not seen or played with yet that will be like a treat for him.
I busied myself the rest of the morning making Aidan's birthday cake for him to take to school tomorrow. I am still disgusted at the parents who did not bring their kids to his party. I hope they take a bite of his cake and choke on it. They were rude and uncaring to not bother even sending the RSVP back for his party.
I have been feeling sick for about a week now. I know it's the nerves working on me. What am I doing????? I hope this calms down before the weekend. I need it to. Maybe it won't calm down til I am on the plane when I can get into the mode of 'going about the business of getting this op done'. I keep wanting to burst into tears though... this is mad.
I have packed a load of things in my case already, and this morning I went and had a wander round the shops, and made myself look at the size 20 stuff which I hope I can fit into by Christmas. I was pleasantly surprised that there was a good selection which looked nice, and this made me feel better. I got a few bits and bobs for the kids too, as a little treat for while I am away. Mainly for Aidan and Rachel because there is a loft full of things that Michael has not seen or played with yet that will be like a treat for him.
I busied myself the rest of the morning making Aidan's birthday cake for him to take to school tomorrow. I am still disgusted at the parents who did not bring their kids to his party. I hope they take a bite of his cake and choke on it. They were rude and uncaring to not bother even sending the RSVP back for his party.
I have been feeling sick for about a week now. I know it's the nerves working on me. What am I doing????? I hope this calms down before the weekend. I need it to. Maybe it won't calm down til I am on the plane when I can get into the mode of 'going about the business of getting this op done'. I keep wanting to burst into tears though... this is mad.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Sunday 15th October, 2006
It was Aidan's 5th birthday party yesterday. One of the main reasons I did not have my op sooner. I wanted to get that out of the way first. I was annoyed because out of the 17 people who were invited, only 6 turned up. I was not impressed. That said, the house was much quieter than I had anticipated it would be and the kids had a lovely time. I just want to seeth at the parents who neither bothered to call me or rsvp to the invitation. They did not have to see my son's face when the party was due to begin and NOT ONE child was here. It's a disgrace. The others turned up late, but all in all, it was ok. Aidan enjoyed himself and that was the main thing.
So... I went to work last night. It started with a crappy moment where I was surplus to requirements and not sure if I was going to get moved to another ward at any given moment. I didn't get moved however and it was a good night on the whole. I had one of those crappy moments when ( and it's not the first time either.. naturally) a patient told me that I was 'cuddly'. Grrr... I usually want the ground to open up and eat me, especially when I am given this description in front of others. What is it about patients like that who think they are the first person to ever notice that you are fat, and that you need to be told ????? How dare they ? But last night, I reacted differently by saying ' No really... well, who would have guessed ' and then walked away thinking ' not for much longer !! You wait !
My lovely friends on WLSinfo forum have been so supportive toward me in the time building up to this op. That website really is the most wonderful place to visit when you need a pep talk. I am looking forward to being able to change my details to read 'post op' and join the post op gang, the loosers !!
I got talking to Alan the other night after I wrote my blog. He was really great, sitting and listening to me and allowing me to blather on and on. I said that leaving him at the airport is going to be so hard, and he told me that he needed me to be strong, get out of the car, get my case, kiss him goodbye and turn around and go. I looked up at him and he was near in tears, and he said that it is going to be hard for him to drive home because he won't settle until he hears my voice post op. It will be plain sailing from then. I love this man of mine so much..... I knew this op was affecting him but he was just covering his own emotions about it because he did not want to influence my decision. We got talking about clothes after that and I said that at the moment there is no clothing shop in Larne that sells clothes that fit my size, so I am not used to clothes shopping in normal clothes shops. I said that I had no idea how to dress myself in skinny clothes, as I would always see a fat person looking back at me in the mirror. He said to trust him, and he would dress me ! I can't wait for that !
Right... I am falling asleep typing this. I am sooooo tired... need a kip
So... I went to work last night. It started with a crappy moment where I was surplus to requirements and not sure if I was going to get moved to another ward at any given moment. I didn't get moved however and it was a good night on the whole. I had one of those crappy moments when ( and it's not the first time either.. naturally) a patient told me that I was 'cuddly'. Grrr... I usually want the ground to open up and eat me, especially when I am given this description in front of others. What is it about patients like that who think they are the first person to ever notice that you are fat, and that you need to be told ????? How dare they ? But last night, I reacted differently by saying ' No really... well, who would have guessed ' and then walked away thinking ' not for much longer !! You wait !
My lovely friends on WLSinfo forum have been so supportive toward me in the time building up to this op. That website really is the most wonderful place to visit when you need a pep talk. I am looking forward to being able to change my details to read 'post op' and join the post op gang, the loosers !!
I got talking to Alan the other night after I wrote my blog. He was really great, sitting and listening to me and allowing me to blather on and on. I said that leaving him at the airport is going to be so hard, and he told me that he needed me to be strong, get out of the car, get my case, kiss him goodbye and turn around and go. I looked up at him and he was near in tears, and he said that it is going to be hard for him to drive home because he won't settle until he hears my voice post op. It will be plain sailing from then. I love this man of mine so much..... I knew this op was affecting him but he was just covering his own emotions about it because he did not want to influence my decision. We got talking about clothes after that and I said that at the moment there is no clothing shop in Larne that sells clothes that fit my size, so I am not used to clothes shopping in normal clothes shops. I said that I had no idea how to dress myself in skinny clothes, as I would always see a fat person looking back at me in the mirror. He said to trust him, and he would dress me ! I can't wait for that !
Right... I am falling asleep typing this. I am sooooo tired... need a kip
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Thursday 12th October 2006
I am feeling really apprehensive today. I know that from tomorrow, I am down to the last few days. Today was 10 days plus a few hours before I go, tomorrow it will be down to single figures. It has just rushed at me today. I can't express myself to Alan to make him understand that I am so scared, not just of the journey away from him and the kids, but this operation. All the daft what if's coming at me.. what if I don't survive the op? What if it goes wrong ? What if I am in a lot of pain afterwards and it is not controlled. I am scared. It's a whole new start, a whole new life for me waiting right there but right here right now, it is like telling me to go and take a running leap off a tall building while everyone else waves at me from the building opposite. There is 'knowing' you are going to make it, and actually building up the courage to jump in the first place.
I am not following the pre op diet at all. I just can't face it. I will deal with the diet thing post op when I have no choice, but for now I need to get my head around the stresses of working up the the op. My case is half packed. I have the ironing to do, and I will probably throw some of this load into my case once it is ironed. I wonder how long post op they will fit me for. I like some of the things I wear, but replacing them with sassy sexy nicely fitting clothes will be a dream come true too. I will never have to hold on to these clothes 'just in case' i put weight back on because it's never going to happen !! I need to keep thinking this way. I really need to get my head straight again. I was so positive before, but somewhere along the line I have lost my positivity.
I am not following the pre op diet at all. I just can't face it. I will deal with the diet thing post op when I have no choice, but for now I need to get my head around the stresses of working up the the op. My case is half packed. I have the ironing to do, and I will probably throw some of this load into my case once it is ironed. I wonder how long post op they will fit me for. I like some of the things I wear, but replacing them with sassy sexy nicely fitting clothes will be a dream come true too. I will never have to hold on to these clothes 'just in case' i put weight back on because it's never going to happen !! I need to keep thinking this way. I really need to get my head straight again. I was so positive before, but somewhere along the line I have lost my positivity.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Tuesday 10th October 2006
Is it the 10th October already !?!!! Yikes ! Operation on 25th, that means 15 days to go until op day.
I just finished ordering my groceries on line from Tesco's. I love Tesco's ! It's not that I am a lazy git ( well not always ) and don't want to go and get my own shopping, but I like the fact that I can control what I am buying rather than wander along aimlessly through the aisles throwing in things that I don't actually need or want !
I just made a hairdressers appt for Rachel for tonight, and for me on Friday. It's been such a long long time since I have had my hair done, for financial reasons mainly, but also because the reflection in the mirror is not what I want to look at for that length of time ! I hope this attitude changes when my wieght loss starts. I get embarassed that the hairdressers chair drops when I sit on it. I get embarassed that the capes in some hairdressers don't go round me. I get embarassed that sometimes the chairs just don't fit my enormous backside. Oh how I am NOT going to miss that !!
I was sent a pm from someone from Anne Diamond's website this morning, and they sounded like I did about 3 months ago. They know they want WLS but they just can't seem to find the information that they need. I directed them to the WLSinfo forum. I dearly hope they join up and find all the info. They are going to be fleeced by the Hospital Group otherwise !! I am not saying that the Hospital Group don't offer a great package, or that the surgery is bad at all, however, I am saying that they are profiteering from the UK public by charging such extoritionate rates for their surgery. Dr Dillemans has a fantastic reputation. He has helped so many of my WLSinfo mates to loose oodles of weight, and I trust him, and I trust their accounts of his work. There can be no better reference than the words of folk who have been there and done that.
I am not really following the pre op diet plan. I have skipped a few meals and replaced them with Slim Fast which was ok, but these last 2 weeks ( ok, less than that now) are my last chance to have severely sugary things without dumping syndrome ! I want to enjoy my sons birthday, and I want to enjoy a meal out with my darling hubby before I go. There are others on the WLSinfo forum who don't have to have a pre op diet for Dr Dillemans. Why are they allowed to eat and not me ?!! There are others who are made to go on a yoghurt only diet though for different surgeons, and that must be really punitive ! I don't really know what to do to be honest. I can't have the biggest liver in the UK so I am sure it will be ok. I just need to chill out don't I?!!
Got a few more bits and bobs for my case yesterday. The pre op section of the WLS forum has been invaluable for this. I have got loads of tips about what I might need. I got a little spray water bottle and I have some wet wipes ready, and I will need to pack some sanitary towels ( bought them yesterday too !) incase the op induces another period. I never realised that it would, but some ladies have been caught out, and I don't want that !!
Aidan's party is this weekend. I am not as stressed about this party because I have bigger things to be stressed about !! lol. The entertainer is booked, and the food is being delivered tomorrow. I need to sort out a cake, which I will attempt to do myself !! yikes ! My cakes never work, but hopefully this one will ! I have the definitive recipe for big cakes that cook in a roasting tin ! I am advised to make two, so I will give it a shot and see what happens. I have the topper to go on it, with lightening mcqueen which will please a little 5 year old man enormously ! I will keep you updated !
I am also getting a few bits and bobs in for the kids for while I am away, to put a smile on their faces. Aidan's little 'cars' watch arrived today, and I have a pink avon watch for Rachel, and I got them both sticker books. Aidan has a spider pencil sharpener, and Rachel has a furry pencil. I dare say I will add to this through the week so they have something special most days I am away. I can't bare the thought of them missing me, or being upset. I don't know what to get for Michael because he is just a baby and won't realise that any little gift is to make the week easier for him. He just loves his cuddles and he will get plenty of them I am sure, with Frances about and Alan. I hope he is ok without me. I am going to miss his little face so much.
IT'S ONLY A WEEK THOUGH !! I will cope, and so will they. I am going to start getting annoyed with myself soon !! lol Get a grip Marika.
I just finished ordering my groceries on line from Tesco's. I love Tesco's ! It's not that I am a lazy git ( well not always ) and don't want to go and get my own shopping, but I like the fact that I can control what I am buying rather than wander along aimlessly through the aisles throwing in things that I don't actually need or want !
I just made a hairdressers appt for Rachel for tonight, and for me on Friday. It's been such a long long time since I have had my hair done, for financial reasons mainly, but also because the reflection in the mirror is not what I want to look at for that length of time ! I hope this attitude changes when my wieght loss starts. I get embarassed that the hairdressers chair drops when I sit on it. I get embarassed that the capes in some hairdressers don't go round me. I get embarassed that sometimes the chairs just don't fit my enormous backside. Oh how I am NOT going to miss that !!
I was sent a pm from someone from Anne Diamond's website this morning, and they sounded like I did about 3 months ago. They know they want WLS but they just can't seem to find the information that they need. I directed them to the WLSinfo forum. I dearly hope they join up and find all the info. They are going to be fleeced by the Hospital Group otherwise !! I am not saying that the Hospital Group don't offer a great package, or that the surgery is bad at all, however, I am saying that they are profiteering from the UK public by charging such extoritionate rates for their surgery. Dr Dillemans has a fantastic reputation. He has helped so many of my WLSinfo mates to loose oodles of weight, and I trust him, and I trust their accounts of his work. There can be no better reference than the words of folk who have been there and done that.
I am not really following the pre op diet plan. I have skipped a few meals and replaced them with Slim Fast which was ok, but these last 2 weeks ( ok, less than that now) are my last chance to have severely sugary things without dumping syndrome ! I want to enjoy my sons birthday, and I want to enjoy a meal out with my darling hubby before I go. There are others on the WLSinfo forum who don't have to have a pre op diet for Dr Dillemans. Why are they allowed to eat and not me ?!! There are others who are made to go on a yoghurt only diet though for different surgeons, and that must be really punitive ! I don't really know what to do to be honest. I can't have the biggest liver in the UK so I am sure it will be ok. I just need to chill out don't I?!!
Got a few more bits and bobs for my case yesterday. The pre op section of the WLS forum has been invaluable for this. I have got loads of tips about what I might need. I got a little spray water bottle and I have some wet wipes ready, and I will need to pack some sanitary towels ( bought them yesterday too !) incase the op induces another period. I never realised that it would, but some ladies have been caught out, and I don't want that !!
Aidan's party is this weekend. I am not as stressed about this party because I have bigger things to be stressed about !! lol. The entertainer is booked, and the food is being delivered tomorrow. I need to sort out a cake, which I will attempt to do myself !! yikes ! My cakes never work, but hopefully this one will ! I have the definitive recipe for big cakes that cook in a roasting tin ! I am advised to make two, so I will give it a shot and see what happens. I have the topper to go on it, with lightening mcqueen which will please a little 5 year old man enormously ! I will keep you updated !
I am also getting a few bits and bobs in for the kids for while I am away, to put a smile on their faces. Aidan's little 'cars' watch arrived today, and I have a pink avon watch for Rachel, and I got them both sticker books. Aidan has a spider pencil sharpener, and Rachel has a furry pencil. I dare say I will add to this through the week so they have something special most days I am away. I can't bare the thought of them missing me, or being upset. I don't know what to get for Michael because he is just a baby and won't realise that any little gift is to make the week easier for him. He just loves his cuddles and he will get plenty of them I am sure, with Frances about and Alan. I hope he is ok without me. I am going to miss his little face so much.
IT'S ONLY A WEEK THOUGH !! I will cope, and so will they. I am going to start getting annoyed with myself soon !! lol Get a grip Marika.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Sunday 8th October, 2006
I went to my first support group meeting yesterday. Ellen came with me and I hope she found it as informative as I did. It was very informal, and great to get talking to the WLS forum members face to face instead of on line. I told Kathryn about the EOC and how much they are charging, and she seemed gobsmacked. All the prices she had been quoted were all UK prices at £10K plus. I really hope she calls Jaap and gets her surgery sooner.
So... 2 weeks tonight, I will be off. It really is not that far away now. I am going to miss the kids and Alan sooooo much. I can feel the pain of it already and I have not gone yet. To not see them for a week will be really upsetting, so I hope it goes fast. Al just said that he doesn't think it would be a good idea to bring the kids to Dublin when he comes to get me. It would mean they were in the car for hours, and they would be better off here with his Mum til we get home. I am thinking selfishly of course because I just kind of had this little picture in my head that they would be there waiting for me when I got to the airport, but perhaps I should rethink that little scenario. He is right, Frances can let Michael have his nap time in his bed, and she will keep the other 2 occupied while they wait on me coming home. There would be little room for the cases too if a pram had to go in the boot, and the journey home will allow us talking time without the kids around listening to every word.
My darling man Alan, I love you so much. I know you are as worried about this op as me, and I know that you are trying to cover it up so that you don't make me more nervous. I will be ok honey, and I will be back home with you and our kids before you know it. We will talk every single day on the internet or the phone, and we will then look forward to a very different life where my weight will no longer be a factor. I so want to make you proud to call me your wife. I feel mismatched beside you because you are so gorgeous, skinny and tall, with the worlds sexiest backside. And there is me, the worlds largest woman, wobbling along beside you, pretending that I am not all that bad, until I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection from a shop window, and suddenly I see just how bad I have let myself get. I know that you tell me that you love me no matter what shape and size I am, but you did not bargain for this shape and size when you met me. OK, I was not slim then, but I was not THIS either ! OK... I had our babies, which made things worse for my body, and you played your part in that too, but I am so sorry that I let my weight increase to this heafty size without making a bigger effort to stop it. I will make this surgery work, for ME, but also for YOU and the kids. I love you all so much and I don't want to become a burden on any of you. I want to live a long life and be with you all for as long as I possibly can. This operation will be the catalyst to make that happen, and I am going to give it my all.
So, while I am away sweetheart, just know that I am with you in my mind all the time. Know that I am thinking about you, loving you, and missing you so much it hurts inside. Remember how we used to part at the airport and be away from each other for a week at a time before I moved over here. We coped then and we will cope with this, because although leaving you at the airport used to rip me in two, coming home to you was the most exciting feeling ever. Searching for your face in the airport crowd, then seeing you when I had not put my lips on yours for a whole week was like magic, and then holding you was the most precious, wonderful feeling ever. I will hold out for that when I get back to Dublin my love. I was reminded each and every time I was away from you, over in England, of the fact that without you I am not whole, but back in your arms, I am safe, loved and complete again. Only you have ever made me feel this way, and I will love you for this forever.
OK.. I have tears rolling down my face here.. I think I had better go....
So... 2 weeks tonight, I will be off. It really is not that far away now. I am going to miss the kids and Alan sooooo much. I can feel the pain of it already and I have not gone yet. To not see them for a week will be really upsetting, so I hope it goes fast. Al just said that he doesn't think it would be a good idea to bring the kids to Dublin when he comes to get me. It would mean they were in the car for hours, and they would be better off here with his Mum til we get home. I am thinking selfishly of course because I just kind of had this little picture in my head that they would be there waiting for me when I got to the airport, but perhaps I should rethink that little scenario. He is right, Frances can let Michael have his nap time in his bed, and she will keep the other 2 occupied while they wait on me coming home. There would be little room for the cases too if a pram had to go in the boot, and the journey home will allow us talking time without the kids around listening to every word.
My darling man Alan, I love you so much. I know you are as worried about this op as me, and I know that you are trying to cover it up so that you don't make me more nervous. I will be ok honey, and I will be back home with you and our kids before you know it. We will talk every single day on the internet or the phone, and we will then look forward to a very different life where my weight will no longer be a factor. I so want to make you proud to call me your wife. I feel mismatched beside you because you are so gorgeous, skinny and tall, with the worlds sexiest backside. And there is me, the worlds largest woman, wobbling along beside you, pretending that I am not all that bad, until I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection from a shop window, and suddenly I see just how bad I have let myself get. I know that you tell me that you love me no matter what shape and size I am, but you did not bargain for this shape and size when you met me. OK, I was not slim then, but I was not THIS either ! OK... I had our babies, which made things worse for my body, and you played your part in that too, but I am so sorry that I let my weight increase to this heafty size without making a bigger effort to stop it. I will make this surgery work, for ME, but also for YOU and the kids. I love you all so much and I don't want to become a burden on any of you. I want to live a long life and be with you all for as long as I possibly can. This operation will be the catalyst to make that happen, and I am going to give it my all.
So, while I am away sweetheart, just know that I am with you in my mind all the time. Know that I am thinking about you, loving you, and missing you so much it hurts inside. Remember how we used to part at the airport and be away from each other for a week at a time before I moved over here. We coped then and we will cope with this, because although leaving you at the airport used to rip me in two, coming home to you was the most exciting feeling ever. Searching for your face in the airport crowd, then seeing you when I had not put my lips on yours for a whole week was like magic, and then holding you was the most precious, wonderful feeling ever. I will hold out for that when I get back to Dublin my love. I was reminded each and every time I was away from you, over in England, of the fact that without you I am not whole, but back in your arms, I am safe, loved and complete again. Only you have ever made me feel this way, and I will love you for this forever.
OK.. I have tears rolling down my face here.. I think I had better go....
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Thursday October 5th 2006
Worked last night and each time I am driving down the westlink to the hospital I think to myself, 'how many shifts do I have left to work before I go to Belgium !' Not many now I have to say. 4 as a matter of fact. I would normally do 2 nights next week but it's Aidan's party on the saturday so I will not be able to work on the Friday night as well as the Saturday night..... then I have told them I can work the following Thursday and Friday, which leaves me with saturday and sunday with Al and the kids before we go.
Anyway.... today I got an email from EOC saying that I need to start my pre op diet. It's very punitive because at a stressful time when you just want to comfort eat, they stop you !! I would have liked a little warning too, but hey, what can you do! So off I went to Superdrug and bought 2 tins of Slimfast. A vanilla one and a chocolate one. I ordered my last chinese, for me and the kids,and gobbled it down so now I am sitting here stuffed, looking at these slimfast tins staring back at me !
The email said that they expect me to aim for 1 stone weight loss per week !! If I was capable of that then I would not need surgery !! I emailed them back asking if this was a typo !! Unfortunately it was not a typo, but they did agree it was a little extreme so they have removed that expectation from me. Phew.. the pressure of that !!!! I will do the diet because I want to reduce the risks in theatre as much as possible. I don't want them to have to do an open op on me either ! I cannot promise to stick to it like glue, but surely a) any effort is better than none b) I cannot be the biggest woman Dr D has operated on and therefore I cannot have the largest liver either !! lol
So... I will weigh myself tomorrow morning ( bearing in mind that I am due my period and have water retention) and then drink my slim fast like a good girl !!
Anyway.... today I got an email from EOC saying that I need to start my pre op diet. It's very punitive because at a stressful time when you just want to comfort eat, they stop you !! I would have liked a little warning too, but hey, what can you do! So off I went to Superdrug and bought 2 tins of Slimfast. A vanilla one and a chocolate one. I ordered my last chinese, for me and the kids,and gobbled it down so now I am sitting here stuffed, looking at these slimfast tins staring back at me !
The email said that they expect me to aim for 1 stone weight loss per week !! If I was capable of that then I would not need surgery !! I emailed them back asking if this was a typo !! Unfortunately it was not a typo, but they did agree it was a little extreme so they have removed that expectation from me. Phew.. the pressure of that !!!! I will do the diet because I want to reduce the risks in theatre as much as possible. I don't want them to have to do an open op on me either ! I cannot promise to stick to it like glue, but surely a) any effort is better than none b) I cannot be the biggest woman Dr D has operated on and therefore I cannot have the largest liver either !! lol
So... I will weigh myself tomorrow morning ( bearing in mind that I am due my period and have water retention) and then drink my slim fast like a good girl !!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Wednesday 4th October 2006
In exactly 3 weeks today and it will be the day. 3 weeks is not long is it? hmmm...2 weeks 5 days til Ellen and I go. The harsh reality is only really hitting me now, how much I am going to miss the kids and Alan, the enormity of what I am having done, everything. I am sitting here on an average school day, in my kitchen, the baby up in his cot, and this is what I should be doing in 3 weeks time. Instead, Alan will be here with the baby, the kids in school, and I will be heading for the operating theatre. How bizarre is that?
I know that it will be ok, and that it will all be over before I know it. I know that I will be sore but it will be bearable, and I know that what I put in my mouth in the future will never be as much or as sweet as what I put in there now... but that is the logical part of my mind talking. What about the emotional. My kids are my life. I love them to the end of the earth and back. If anything happens to me while I am away I want them to always know that I love them and that I will always be with them no matter what. The more sensible part of me is saying I am irresponsible making this move to have gastric surgery, but then that doesn't make sense when a couple of hours in theatre could add more than just years to my life, but quality too.
I will be ok.. I will be ok... I will be ok... ( deep breaths...)
Stopped smoking today. Have not had a fag since last night, and I am doing ok. I need to stop because a) it is costing way too much b) I want to reduce the anaesthetic risks c) I don't want to have to have an x ray and pay for it over there !! Besides, I stopped before and it was stress that made me go back on them. There is no real reason for me to be smoking now, although I am stressed about this op, I am more stressed about the complications smoking may add to the process.
Ordered more memory for my pocket PC yesterday so I can watch films on it while in hospital. It will pass the time..... as will sleeping !! I am looking forward to just being able to sleep without having to keep one ear open for the kids, and not having to get up at the crack of dawn to see to their breakfast.
OK.. I am rambling now...
I know that it will be ok, and that it will all be over before I know it. I know that I will be sore but it will be bearable, and I know that what I put in my mouth in the future will never be as much or as sweet as what I put in there now... but that is the logical part of my mind talking. What about the emotional. My kids are my life. I love them to the end of the earth and back. If anything happens to me while I am away I want them to always know that I love them and that I will always be with them no matter what. The more sensible part of me is saying I am irresponsible making this move to have gastric surgery, but then that doesn't make sense when a couple of hours in theatre could add more than just years to my life, but quality too.
I will be ok.. I will be ok... I will be ok... ( deep breaths...)
Stopped smoking today. Have not had a fag since last night, and I am doing ok. I need to stop because a) it is costing way too much b) I want to reduce the anaesthetic risks c) I don't want to have to have an x ray and pay for it over there !! Besides, I stopped before and it was stress that made me go back on them. There is no real reason for me to be smoking now, although I am stressed about this op, I am more stressed about the complications smoking may add to the process.
Ordered more memory for my pocket PC yesterday so I can watch films on it while in hospital. It will pass the time..... as will sleeping !! I am looking forward to just being able to sleep without having to keep one ear open for the kids, and not having to get up at the crack of dawn to see to their breakfast.
OK.. I am rambling now...
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Wednesday 27th September 2006
So now I am 3 weeks 6 days away from D day !! It's been a mad old day, preceeded by a mad few days. The plasma TV broke down last thursday night. The screen went black and stayed that way. Phoned Philips on friday to get it fixed but because it was 12 months 2 weeks and 4 days beyond its purchase date it was deemed outside it's warranty and therefore would cost me a mimimum of £253, but only after shelving out £410 for them to collect it, and look at it, and courier it back to me. If we wanted it fixed then we would have to pay that out too and then claim the money back off Philips.
The guys on the AVforums told me to look up the Sale of Goods Act which showed me my rights and pointed me in the direction of Laser Electrical where we bought it. They were singularly unhelpful initially, but once I told them that I was recording an interview for BBC Radio Ulster for their 'On your Behalf' programme they soon wised up !
They have now taken the offending set away and buckled under the pressure of the BBC and are delivering and installing a Toshiba LCD ( more expensive and more features, and a better TV altogether) on friday !! So I am a happy bunny and I will be on the radio on saturday !!! LOL
It was an excellent distraction from the WLS which is looming ! It was in the back of my mind all day but getting this TV sorted and replaced with the one we wanted was more at the front of what I was up to today.
Michael had his MMR and Pneumonia jabs this morning. Poor sole, he cried but only for about 20 seconds and then he was ok. He gave me a hug and a kiss and soon settled down. I hate having to take him for stuff like that. He recovered really fast though !
Ellen is coming here for the day tomorrow. I am sure the kids are going to be asking her loads of questions ! They have heard a lot about her but it will be good for them, and Al, to get to meet her in person. I am looking forward to having someone to natter to all day, especially about Bruges !! I have been consciously trying not to bend Al's ear about it too much in the last few days. Doubt he has noticed !!
Rachel seems to be a little more accepting that I will be away for a week. I have told her that I need her to look after Daddy which made her feel really grown up ! I am sure she will be upset, but she will be spoilt rotten by Frances and her Daddy so she, and Aidan and Michael will be ok.
I just keep projecting my mind forward to post op. I need not worry about the operation itself because it will be over before I know it ( I hope !) and then I will be on the loosing side. I am looking forward to the lack of hunger and the ability to eat very little and yet feel full and satisfied. I am looking forward to clothes fitting me, and my present clothes falling off me !! Wonder if I will have a problem keeping mentally up to date with my body image though. Even if I do loose lots of weight, will I still think I am fat ?
Anyway... it is late and I am tired. Been a busy day....
The guys on the AVforums told me to look up the Sale of Goods Act which showed me my rights and pointed me in the direction of Laser Electrical where we bought it. They were singularly unhelpful initially, but once I told them that I was recording an interview for BBC Radio Ulster for their 'On your Behalf' programme they soon wised up !
They have now taken the offending set away and buckled under the pressure of the BBC and are delivering and installing a Toshiba LCD ( more expensive and more features, and a better TV altogether) on friday !! So I am a happy bunny and I will be on the radio on saturday !!! LOL
It was an excellent distraction from the WLS which is looming ! It was in the back of my mind all day but getting this TV sorted and replaced with the one we wanted was more at the front of what I was up to today.
Michael had his MMR and Pneumonia jabs this morning. Poor sole, he cried but only for about 20 seconds and then he was ok. He gave me a hug and a kiss and soon settled down. I hate having to take him for stuff like that. He recovered really fast though !
Ellen is coming here for the day tomorrow. I am sure the kids are going to be asking her loads of questions ! They have heard a lot about her but it will be good for them, and Al, to get to meet her in person. I am looking forward to having someone to natter to all day, especially about Bruges !! I have been consciously trying not to bend Al's ear about it too much in the last few days. Doubt he has noticed !!
Rachel seems to be a little more accepting that I will be away for a week. I have told her that I need her to look after Daddy which made her feel really grown up ! I am sure she will be upset, but she will be spoilt rotten by Frances and her Daddy so she, and Aidan and Michael will be ok.
I just keep projecting my mind forward to post op. I need not worry about the operation itself because it will be over before I know it ( I hope !) and then I will be on the loosing side. I am looking forward to the lack of hunger and the ability to eat very little and yet feel full and satisfied. I am looking forward to clothes fitting me, and my present clothes falling off me !! Wonder if I will have a problem keeping mentally up to date with my body image though. Even if I do loose lots of weight, will I still think I am fat ?
Anyway... it is late and I am tired. Been a busy day....
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Tuesday 19th September 2006
Tomorrow the money goes out of the bank account and off to Belgium to pay for the operation. It's as good as paid in my mind though because I sorted it out last week.
Alan took some before pics for me the other day and i was horrifed at the state of my behind. I knew it was bg, but when you see it from another persons angle, OMG ! I won't miss it, that is for sure ! While I was out at bingo with his mother the other night, he set to work on a video about 'us' which was set to the music 'The blowers daughter'. It was really romantic !! He can be so lovely like that.
I came across Anne Diamond's weight loss website yesterday and signed up so I could interect with it. It's too much focused on diets and slimming though for my liking. I am sure that is the whole idea, but I am just looking forward to not having to surround my life with calorie counting and recipe ideas. I just want to eat healthily and small ! I posted my story on there and had a reply from a person who sounds like me about a year ago ! She is also trapped in a fat suit, with a wonderfully supportive family telling her they love her no matter what, even though she cannot love herself. I replied to her, and directed her to my web site and to the WLSinfo forum. I hope she finds her own way in the weight loss journey. It is a miserable way to live, hating the relection in the mirror.
Alan is away to work on a late shift and I am tired after 2 nights working. Got a mountain of ironing to do tonight when the kids are away to bed so that will keep me awake til he comes home. I have been messing about with Rachel's MP3 player this afternoon putting tracks on which I love and will enjoy listening to while I am away. I ordered earphones for it, but the jack is too big and I didn't realise. So I have ordered some more. The other ones will do for the Skype connection on the PPC though so all is not lost. I am trying to avoid putting the songs on the MP3 player that will remind me of how much I am missing Alan and the kids. Songs that are nice to listen to, not too boppy, but easy on the ear post operatively !!
That's about it. 4 weeks and 5 days til I go. Yikes !
Alan took some before pics for me the other day and i was horrifed at the state of my behind. I knew it was bg, but when you see it from another persons angle, OMG ! I won't miss it, that is for sure ! While I was out at bingo with his mother the other night, he set to work on a video about 'us' which was set to the music 'The blowers daughter'. It was really romantic !! He can be so lovely like that.
I came across Anne Diamond's weight loss website yesterday and signed up so I could interect with it. It's too much focused on diets and slimming though for my liking. I am sure that is the whole idea, but I am just looking forward to not having to surround my life with calorie counting and recipe ideas. I just want to eat healthily and small ! I posted my story on there and had a reply from a person who sounds like me about a year ago ! She is also trapped in a fat suit, with a wonderfully supportive family telling her they love her no matter what, even though she cannot love herself. I replied to her, and directed her to my web site and to the WLSinfo forum. I hope she finds her own way in the weight loss journey. It is a miserable way to live, hating the relection in the mirror.
Alan is away to work on a late shift and I am tired after 2 nights working. Got a mountain of ironing to do tonight when the kids are away to bed so that will keep me awake til he comes home. I have been messing about with Rachel's MP3 player this afternoon putting tracks on which I love and will enjoy listening to while I am away. I ordered earphones for it, but the jack is too big and I didn't realise. So I have ordered some more. The other ones will do for the Skype connection on the PPC though so all is not lost. I am trying to avoid putting the songs on the MP3 player that will remind me of how much I am missing Alan and the kids. Songs that are nice to listen to, not too boppy, but easy on the ear post operatively !!
That's about it. 4 weeks and 5 days til I go. Yikes !
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Sunday 17th September 2006
In 5 weeks time, this will be my last day at home before I get on that plane and change my life forever. It's all consuming at the moment. It's such a lot to take on board and I am sure Alan is getting mightly cheesed off with me ! I know I am going to get this done, and I know that I need to get this done, and I know that it will be a new start for me. My mind is unable to see any further than the operation at the moment though. It's just too much to imagine myself in a years time, a new slim me. All I can see is this operation before me, and more than anything else, being away from my husband and kids for a whole week. It will feel like a life time.
Rachel is being very clingy at the moment, which is most unlike her. She cried when I was leaving her at Brownies the other night, because she wanted me to stay, and she cried when she saw me at the school collecting Aidan, because she wanted me to take her home then too. It's totally out of character for her to be like that, but I am putting it down to her anxieties about my going away for the week. She has not voiced that to me, but I am trying to drip feed the notion that I will not be here for a few days but that it is no big deal, to her. I wonder how Michael and Aidan will get on without me. I am sure Michael will be a little out of sorts, although unable to understand why. Aidan might revert to being a cheeky rascal but IT'S ONLY A WEEK !! I am sure we can all cope with a week apart. We are going to have to, because it IS going to happen.
So, how am I feeling. Well, I am swaying between being more frightened than I have ever been in my life, to being happy that I have this date to work toward and that each day it is getting closer. I know that I am miserable with my weight at the moment, and this has to stop. My biggest upset is that Alan and the kids will not be there in Belgium with me. I know it really is not practical, and it would be upsetting for them to see me like that, so it's best that they carry on with their lives while I go and get my stomach sorted out, but the selfish part of me just wants them there so badly. I know Ellen will look after me. I trust her emphatically, and there is no other that I would want to wake up to post operatively apart from Al !! I need to get over this don't I ?!!
OK, so I spent a long while yesterday with Alan sorting out my PPC so that I can take lots of music with me, talk on Skype and have WiFi with ease and get and send email. The hotel has WiFi which is superb. I have plans to sort out Rachel's mp3 player too which is less fiddly to sort out when I just want to listen to music and switch off in the hospital. I have ordered new earphones for it because Aidan chewed the original set !!
Today, I have been sorting out Aidan's birthday party invitations. His party is one week before I go, and I really should try and make that my distraction. TALL ORDER !!
Rachel is being very clingy at the moment, which is most unlike her. She cried when I was leaving her at Brownies the other night, because she wanted me to stay, and she cried when she saw me at the school collecting Aidan, because she wanted me to take her home then too. It's totally out of character for her to be like that, but I am putting it down to her anxieties about my going away for the week. She has not voiced that to me, but I am trying to drip feed the notion that I will not be here for a few days but that it is no big deal, to her. I wonder how Michael and Aidan will get on without me. I am sure Michael will be a little out of sorts, although unable to understand why. Aidan might revert to being a cheeky rascal but IT'S ONLY A WEEK !! I am sure we can all cope with a week apart. We are going to have to, because it IS going to happen.
So, how am I feeling. Well, I am swaying between being more frightened than I have ever been in my life, to being happy that I have this date to work toward and that each day it is getting closer. I know that I am miserable with my weight at the moment, and this has to stop. My biggest upset is that Alan and the kids will not be there in Belgium with me. I know it really is not practical, and it would be upsetting for them to see me like that, so it's best that they carry on with their lives while I go and get my stomach sorted out, but the selfish part of me just wants them there so badly. I know Ellen will look after me. I trust her emphatically, and there is no other that I would want to wake up to post operatively apart from Al !! I need to get over this don't I ?!!
OK, so I spent a long while yesterday with Alan sorting out my PPC so that I can take lots of music with me, talk on Skype and have WiFi with ease and get and send email. The hotel has WiFi which is superb. I have plans to sort out Rachel's mp3 player too which is less fiddly to sort out when I just want to listen to music and switch off in the hospital. I have ordered new earphones for it because Aidan chewed the original set !!
Today, I have been sorting out Aidan's birthday party invitations. His party is one week before I go, and I really should try and make that my distraction. TALL ORDER !!
Friday, September 15, 2006
Friday September 15th 2006
I organised an entertainer for Aidan's birthday party today. The party will be at our house on 14th October, his birthday being on the 18th. I couldn't make it the weekend after because I already have enough to think about then !!
So... it's 38 days before I go. That's very soon. I am already thinking about what to pack and what I need to get in before I go. I have paid the money in full for the operation now, although it doesn't officially leave my bank until 20th September, the paperwork is all done to make that payment happen. I felt physically sick walking away from the bank !!
Not sure if I should have or not, but today I started to write letters to my kids to cover the 'just in case' scenario with this operation. Had me weeping buckets to think of their faces if, for some unknown reason, things went horribly wrong. I know that perhaps I should not think that way but I want to cover all bases. Is that wrong?
I have stupid niggling doubts in my head about how Alan will respond to my changing body. I don't want this weight loss to be something that comes between us in the future. I hope that it brings us closer together. I really do. I lost my first husband while I lost weight the first time round though, and I don't want to risk this marriage for anything. He assures me we will be fine, so I have to believe that, and hope that every stone lost will be a cause for celebration between us.
What else has been going on... not much really. I shampoo'd the carpets yesterday and blitzed the downstairs of the house. The upstairs will hopefully get done tomorrow when the kids are about to watch over Michael. It's nigh on impossible to do much when he is following my every move ! Going to bath the kids now... best go
So... it's 38 days before I go. That's very soon. I am already thinking about what to pack and what I need to get in before I go. I have paid the money in full for the operation now, although it doesn't officially leave my bank until 20th September, the paperwork is all done to make that payment happen. I felt physically sick walking away from the bank !!
Not sure if I should have or not, but today I started to write letters to my kids to cover the 'just in case' scenario with this operation. Had me weeping buckets to think of their faces if, for some unknown reason, things went horribly wrong. I know that perhaps I should not think that way but I want to cover all bases. Is that wrong?
I have stupid niggling doubts in my head about how Alan will respond to my changing body. I don't want this weight loss to be something that comes between us in the future. I hope that it brings us closer together. I really do. I lost my first husband while I lost weight the first time round though, and I don't want to risk this marriage for anything. He assures me we will be fine, so I have to believe that, and hope that every stone lost will be a cause for celebration between us.
What else has been going on... not much really. I shampoo'd the carpets yesterday and blitzed the downstairs of the house. The upstairs will hopefully get done tomorrow when the kids are about to watch over Michael. It's nigh on impossible to do much when he is following my every move ! Going to bath the kids now... best go
Friday September 15th 2006
I organised an entertainer for Aidan's birthday party today. The party will be at our house on 14th October, his birthday being on the 18th. I couldn't make it the weekend after because I already have enough to think about then !!
So... it's 38 days before I go. That's very soon. I am already thinking about what to pack and what I need to get in before I go. I have paid the money in full for the operation now, although it doesn't officially leave my bank until 20th September, the paperwork is all done to make that payment happen. I felt physically sick walking away from the bank !!
Not sure if I should have or not, but today I started to write letters to my kids to cover the 'just in case' scenario with this operation. Had me weeping buckets to think of their faces if, for some unknown reason, things went horribly wrong. I know that perhaps I should not think that way but I want to cover all bases. Is that wrong?
I have stupid niggling doubts in my head about how Alan will respond to my changing body. I don't want this weight loss to be something that comes between us in the future. I hope that it brings us closer together. I really do. I lost my first husband while I lost weight the first time round though, and I don't want to risk this marriage for anything. He assures me we will be fine, so I have to believe that, and hope that every stone lost will be a cause for celebration between us.
What else has been going on... not much really. I shampoo'd the carpets yesterday and blitzed the downstairs of the house. The upstairs will hopefully get done tomorrow when the kids are about to watch over Michael. It's nigh on impossible to do much when he is following my every move ! Going to bath the kids now... best go
So... it's 38 days before I go. That's very soon. I am already thinking about what to pack and what I need to get in before I go. I have paid the money in full for the operation now, although it doesn't officially leave my bank until 20th September, the paperwork is all done to make that payment happen. I felt physically sick walking away from the bank !!
Not sure if I should have or not, but today I started to write letters to my kids to cover the 'just in case' scenario with this operation. Had me weeping buckets to think of their faces if, for some unknown reason, things went horribly wrong. I know that perhaps I should not think that way but I want to cover all bases. Is that wrong?
I have stupid niggling doubts in my head about how Alan will respond to my changing body. I don't want this weight loss to be something that comes between us in the future. I hope that it brings us closer together. I really do. I lost my first husband while I lost weight the first time round though, and I don't want to risk this marriage for anything. He assures me we will be fine, so I have to believe that, and hope that every stone lost will be a cause for celebration between us.
What else has been going on... not much really. I shampoo'd the carpets yesterday and blitzed the downstairs of the house. The upstairs will hopefully get done tomorrow when the kids are about to watch over Michael. It's nigh on impossible to do much when he is following my every move ! Going to bath the kids now... best go
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Sunday 10th September 206
I spent all day yesterday setting up my website so that my weight loss is recorded and people can see information about what I am having done. I have told practically nobody about it, which runs the risk of some friends being annoyed with me, but I have a page on the website that explains why. I really hope that nobody gets offended because that was never my intention.
Anyway, the website is looking very girly and I like it. I have put a lot of information on there, and it will be added to as I go on. It was quite cathartic for me to go through it all, because making it make sense on the website, made it make sense for me too! I knew there was a lot to take on board about the surgery, but more so about the diet afterwards, but writing it down clarified things for me, which was helpful.
I added Connie's video to the site ( ok, Alan added it, because he is a whizz like that !!). It's a weight loss story that I came across while reading up on the internet, and it had me in floods of tears. It has allowed me to dare to dream to be that slim. It is so inspirational that I want people to see it and understand why I am doing this. She is so beautiful now she has lost weight, and she will never know just how much her story has impacted on me. I have a fair amount more to add to the site. I was going through some pictures and putting them on there yesterday, but there are ones in the loft that I need to find and add which are on ordinary photo paper - pre digital days !! I want everyone who visits my site to see that I was not always this big. In fact I have never been THIS big before in my whole life. I have to keep reminding myself though that I have won this fight by booking this surgery and making a claim back on my life. It's hard going to think that in 6 weeks time I am getting on a plane. 6 weeks will go so fast.
How am I feeling today ? Well, yesterday I was quite hyper thinking about the operation and reading all the stuff on the website, but today I am feeling just plain terrified. All the 'what if I die' feelings are coming to the front and that is truely terrifying. I am feeling flat today after the high of yesterday.
It is our 6th wedding anniversary tomorrow but we are not doing anything special for it, which is a shame. I know that this will be our last chance to go out for a nice meal together where I can actually eat and drink at the same time !! Where I can actually order the steak if I choose to and know that I can finish it ! Does that sound mad, or just greedy?! I know that after this operation I will have to change my whole attitude to eating. Having to drink 60mins before the food comes to allow my stomach room to eat as well as drink. 3-4 oz is not a lot !! The total reduction of sugar to ward off the dumping syndrome is pretty scarey because although I am not addicted to sugar like some people, I do like some sweet things. Will I be totally intolerant ?? I don't know. Maybe I should be having the duodenal switch instead, but then maybe I need to stop the sweet stuff. Maybe if I can't have it, then I won't have it. Would that really be such a bad thing?
My mind is racing forward to afterwards. If we get invited somewhere for dinner, how will I actually eat without offending the cook ? We enjoy having our friends Barbra and Tommy over for a chinese so none of us has to cook, but I won't be able to eat chinese anymore will I ? I don't know. I hope in a teeny tiny portion, I would be able to, just sometimes.
I need to get this house tidied up and ready for when I go. I need to make sure the fridge is stocked up and that the washing and ironing is done so that the kids have clean school clothes, and there are enough nappies in the house to keep Michael smelling sweet ! God I am so going to miss them, and Alan of course. Missing your kids, and missing your Husband are two different things completely !! My kids are little people who need me to be their mummy and need me to be there for them, cook and clean for them, help with the homework, you know, all the stuff that means that they are looked after and cared for. My husband is my soul mate, and we lean on each other at times of stress. He calls on me, or I call on him and that is the way it goes. I am going to feel his absence so deeply when I am in the hospital because I will be very much alone going through it. Ellen, bless her, is such a wonderful friend and I know she will be with me every step of the way, but when I say alone, I mean, without my soul mate. I would not have him leave the kids to be with me though. I would never be that selfish. It's just scary that is all.
I have to go to work tonight. Last time I worked on 7D at the Royal there was a nurse who had been 20 stone plus working there, but she has now a svelte 10 stone or less because of Weight Watchers. She goes about giving talks about her diet and how she lost the weight, and yes, she is inspirational. Her body clearly responded to their diet plan so good for her. Mine didn't so there is no reason for me to feel odd if she is on tonight. She is a genuinely nice person and it was great to work and chat with her.
Right, now Michael is having a sleep, I will get on with sorting these photo's out. Might make me feel better, or not....
Anyway, the website is looking very girly and I like it. I have put a lot of information on there, and it will be added to as I go on. It was quite cathartic for me to go through it all, because making it make sense on the website, made it make sense for me too! I knew there was a lot to take on board about the surgery, but more so about the diet afterwards, but writing it down clarified things for me, which was helpful.
I added Connie's video to the site ( ok, Alan added it, because he is a whizz like that !!). It's a weight loss story that I came across while reading up on the internet, and it had me in floods of tears. It has allowed me to dare to dream to be that slim. It is so inspirational that I want people to see it and understand why I am doing this. She is so beautiful now she has lost weight, and she will never know just how much her story has impacted on me. I have a fair amount more to add to the site. I was going through some pictures and putting them on there yesterday, but there are ones in the loft that I need to find and add which are on ordinary photo paper - pre digital days !! I want everyone who visits my site to see that I was not always this big. In fact I have never been THIS big before in my whole life. I have to keep reminding myself though that I have won this fight by booking this surgery and making a claim back on my life. It's hard going to think that in 6 weeks time I am getting on a plane. 6 weeks will go so fast.
How am I feeling today ? Well, yesterday I was quite hyper thinking about the operation and reading all the stuff on the website, but today I am feeling just plain terrified. All the 'what if I die' feelings are coming to the front and that is truely terrifying. I am feeling flat today after the high of yesterday.
It is our 6th wedding anniversary tomorrow but we are not doing anything special for it, which is a shame. I know that this will be our last chance to go out for a nice meal together where I can actually eat and drink at the same time !! Where I can actually order the steak if I choose to and know that I can finish it ! Does that sound mad, or just greedy?! I know that after this operation I will have to change my whole attitude to eating. Having to drink 60mins before the food comes to allow my stomach room to eat as well as drink. 3-4 oz is not a lot !! The total reduction of sugar to ward off the dumping syndrome is pretty scarey because although I am not addicted to sugar like some people, I do like some sweet things. Will I be totally intolerant ?? I don't know. Maybe I should be having the duodenal switch instead, but then maybe I need to stop the sweet stuff. Maybe if I can't have it, then I won't have it. Would that really be such a bad thing?
My mind is racing forward to afterwards. If we get invited somewhere for dinner, how will I actually eat without offending the cook ? We enjoy having our friends Barbra and Tommy over for a chinese so none of us has to cook, but I won't be able to eat chinese anymore will I ? I don't know. I hope in a teeny tiny portion, I would be able to, just sometimes.
I need to get this house tidied up and ready for when I go. I need to make sure the fridge is stocked up and that the washing and ironing is done so that the kids have clean school clothes, and there are enough nappies in the house to keep Michael smelling sweet ! God I am so going to miss them, and Alan of course. Missing your kids, and missing your Husband are two different things completely !! My kids are little people who need me to be their mummy and need me to be there for them, cook and clean for them, help with the homework, you know, all the stuff that means that they are looked after and cared for. My husband is my soul mate, and we lean on each other at times of stress. He calls on me, or I call on him and that is the way it goes. I am going to feel his absence so deeply when I am in the hospital because I will be very much alone going through it. Ellen, bless her, is such a wonderful friend and I know she will be with me every step of the way, but when I say alone, I mean, without my soul mate. I would not have him leave the kids to be with me though. I would never be that selfish. It's just scary that is all.
I have to go to work tonight. Last time I worked on 7D at the Royal there was a nurse who had been 20 stone plus working there, but she has now a svelte 10 stone or less because of Weight Watchers. She goes about giving talks about her diet and how she lost the weight, and yes, she is inspirational. Her body clearly responded to their diet plan so good for her. Mine didn't so there is no reason for me to feel odd if she is on tonight. She is a genuinely nice person and it was great to work and chat with her.
Right, now Michael is having a sleep, I will get on with sorting these photo's out. Might make me feel better, or not....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)