So now I am 3 weeks 6 days away from D day !! It's been a mad old day, preceeded by a mad few days. The plasma TV broke down last thursday night. The screen went black and stayed that way. Phoned Philips on friday to get it fixed but because it was 12 months 2 weeks and 4 days beyond its purchase date it was deemed outside it's warranty and therefore would cost me a mimimum of £253, but only after shelving out £410 for them to collect it, and look at it, and courier it back to me. If we wanted it fixed then we would have to pay that out too and then claim the money back off Philips.
The guys on the AVforums told me to look up the Sale of Goods Act which showed me my rights and pointed me in the direction of Laser Electrical where we bought it. They were singularly unhelpful initially, but once I told them that I was recording an interview for BBC Radio Ulster for their 'On your Behalf' programme they soon wised up !
They have now taken the offending set away and buckled under the pressure of the BBC and are delivering and installing a Toshiba LCD ( more expensive and more features, and a better TV altogether) on friday !! So I am a happy bunny and I will be on the radio on saturday !!! LOL
It was an excellent distraction from the WLS which is looming ! It was in the back of my mind all day but getting this TV sorted and replaced with the one we wanted was more at the front of what I was up to today.
Michael had his MMR and Pneumonia jabs this morning. Poor sole, he cried but only for about 20 seconds and then he was ok. He gave me a hug and a kiss and soon settled down. I hate having to take him for stuff like that. He recovered really fast though !
Ellen is coming here for the day tomorrow. I am sure the kids are going to be asking her loads of questions ! They have heard a lot about her but it will be good for them, and Al, to get to meet her in person. I am looking forward to having someone to natter to all day, especially about Bruges !! I have been consciously trying not to bend Al's ear about it too much in the last few days. Doubt he has noticed !!
Rachel seems to be a little more accepting that I will be away for a week. I have told her that I need her to look after Daddy which made her feel really grown up ! I am sure she will be upset, but she will be spoilt rotten by Frances and her Daddy so she, and Aidan and Michael will be ok.
I just keep projecting my mind forward to post op. I need not worry about the operation itself because it will be over before I know it ( I hope !) and then I will be on the loosing side. I am looking forward to the lack of hunger and the ability to eat very little and yet feel full and satisfied. I am looking forward to clothes fitting me, and my present clothes falling off me !! Wonder if I will have a problem keeping mentally up to date with my body image though. Even if I do loose lots of weight, will I still think I am fat ?
Anyway... it is late and I am tired. Been a busy day....
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Tuesday 19th September 2006
Tomorrow the money goes out of the bank account and off to Belgium to pay for the operation. It's as good as paid in my mind though because I sorted it out last week.
Alan took some before pics for me the other day and i was horrifed at the state of my behind. I knew it was bg, but when you see it from another persons angle, OMG ! I won't miss it, that is for sure ! While I was out at bingo with his mother the other night, he set to work on a video about 'us' which was set to the music 'The blowers daughter'. It was really romantic !! He can be so lovely like that.
I came across Anne Diamond's weight loss website yesterday and signed up so I could interect with it. It's too much focused on diets and slimming though for my liking. I am sure that is the whole idea, but I am just looking forward to not having to surround my life with calorie counting and recipe ideas. I just want to eat healthily and small ! I posted my story on there and had a reply from a person who sounds like me about a year ago ! She is also trapped in a fat suit, with a wonderfully supportive family telling her they love her no matter what, even though she cannot love herself. I replied to her, and directed her to my web site and to the WLSinfo forum. I hope she finds her own way in the weight loss journey. It is a miserable way to live, hating the relection in the mirror.
Alan is away to work on a late shift and I am tired after 2 nights working. Got a mountain of ironing to do tonight when the kids are away to bed so that will keep me awake til he comes home. I have been messing about with Rachel's MP3 player this afternoon putting tracks on which I love and will enjoy listening to while I am away. I ordered earphones for it, but the jack is too big and I didn't realise. So I have ordered some more. The other ones will do for the Skype connection on the PPC though so all is not lost. I am trying to avoid putting the songs on the MP3 player that will remind me of how much I am missing Alan and the kids. Songs that are nice to listen to, not too boppy, but easy on the ear post operatively !!
That's about it. 4 weeks and 5 days til I go. Yikes !
Alan took some before pics for me the other day and i was horrifed at the state of my behind. I knew it was bg, but when you see it from another persons angle, OMG ! I won't miss it, that is for sure ! While I was out at bingo with his mother the other night, he set to work on a video about 'us' which was set to the music 'The blowers daughter'. It was really romantic !! He can be so lovely like that.
I came across Anne Diamond's weight loss website yesterday and signed up so I could interect with it. It's too much focused on diets and slimming though for my liking. I am sure that is the whole idea, but I am just looking forward to not having to surround my life with calorie counting and recipe ideas. I just want to eat healthily and small ! I posted my story on there and had a reply from a person who sounds like me about a year ago ! She is also trapped in a fat suit, with a wonderfully supportive family telling her they love her no matter what, even though she cannot love herself. I replied to her, and directed her to my web site and to the WLSinfo forum. I hope she finds her own way in the weight loss journey. It is a miserable way to live, hating the relection in the mirror.
Alan is away to work on a late shift and I am tired after 2 nights working. Got a mountain of ironing to do tonight when the kids are away to bed so that will keep me awake til he comes home. I have been messing about with Rachel's MP3 player this afternoon putting tracks on which I love and will enjoy listening to while I am away. I ordered earphones for it, but the jack is too big and I didn't realise. So I have ordered some more. The other ones will do for the Skype connection on the PPC though so all is not lost. I am trying to avoid putting the songs on the MP3 player that will remind me of how much I am missing Alan and the kids. Songs that are nice to listen to, not too boppy, but easy on the ear post operatively !!
That's about it. 4 weeks and 5 days til I go. Yikes !
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Sunday 17th September 2006
In 5 weeks time, this will be my last day at home before I get on that plane and change my life forever. It's all consuming at the moment. It's such a lot to take on board and I am sure Alan is getting mightly cheesed off with me ! I know I am going to get this done, and I know that I need to get this done, and I know that it will be a new start for me. My mind is unable to see any further than the operation at the moment though. It's just too much to imagine myself in a years time, a new slim me. All I can see is this operation before me, and more than anything else, being away from my husband and kids for a whole week. It will feel like a life time.
Rachel is being very clingy at the moment, which is most unlike her. She cried when I was leaving her at Brownies the other night, because she wanted me to stay, and she cried when she saw me at the school collecting Aidan, because she wanted me to take her home then too. It's totally out of character for her to be like that, but I am putting it down to her anxieties about my going away for the week. She has not voiced that to me, but I am trying to drip feed the notion that I will not be here for a few days but that it is no big deal, to her. I wonder how Michael and Aidan will get on without me. I am sure Michael will be a little out of sorts, although unable to understand why. Aidan might revert to being a cheeky rascal but IT'S ONLY A WEEK !! I am sure we can all cope with a week apart. We are going to have to, because it IS going to happen.
So, how am I feeling. Well, I am swaying between being more frightened than I have ever been in my life, to being happy that I have this date to work toward and that each day it is getting closer. I know that I am miserable with my weight at the moment, and this has to stop. My biggest upset is that Alan and the kids will not be there in Belgium with me. I know it really is not practical, and it would be upsetting for them to see me like that, so it's best that they carry on with their lives while I go and get my stomach sorted out, but the selfish part of me just wants them there so badly. I know Ellen will look after me. I trust her emphatically, and there is no other that I would want to wake up to post operatively apart from Al !! I need to get over this don't I ?!!
OK, so I spent a long while yesterday with Alan sorting out my PPC so that I can take lots of music with me, talk on Skype and have WiFi with ease and get and send email. The hotel has WiFi which is superb. I have plans to sort out Rachel's mp3 player too which is less fiddly to sort out when I just want to listen to music and switch off in the hospital. I have ordered new earphones for it because Aidan chewed the original set !!
Today, I have been sorting out Aidan's birthday party invitations. His party is one week before I go, and I really should try and make that my distraction. TALL ORDER !!
Rachel is being very clingy at the moment, which is most unlike her. She cried when I was leaving her at Brownies the other night, because she wanted me to stay, and she cried when she saw me at the school collecting Aidan, because she wanted me to take her home then too. It's totally out of character for her to be like that, but I am putting it down to her anxieties about my going away for the week. She has not voiced that to me, but I am trying to drip feed the notion that I will not be here for a few days but that it is no big deal, to her. I wonder how Michael and Aidan will get on without me. I am sure Michael will be a little out of sorts, although unable to understand why. Aidan might revert to being a cheeky rascal but IT'S ONLY A WEEK !! I am sure we can all cope with a week apart. We are going to have to, because it IS going to happen.
So, how am I feeling. Well, I am swaying between being more frightened than I have ever been in my life, to being happy that I have this date to work toward and that each day it is getting closer. I know that I am miserable with my weight at the moment, and this has to stop. My biggest upset is that Alan and the kids will not be there in Belgium with me. I know it really is not practical, and it would be upsetting for them to see me like that, so it's best that they carry on with their lives while I go and get my stomach sorted out, but the selfish part of me just wants them there so badly. I know Ellen will look after me. I trust her emphatically, and there is no other that I would want to wake up to post operatively apart from Al !! I need to get over this don't I ?!!
OK, so I spent a long while yesterday with Alan sorting out my PPC so that I can take lots of music with me, talk on Skype and have WiFi with ease and get and send email. The hotel has WiFi which is superb. I have plans to sort out Rachel's mp3 player too which is less fiddly to sort out when I just want to listen to music and switch off in the hospital. I have ordered new earphones for it because Aidan chewed the original set !!
Today, I have been sorting out Aidan's birthday party invitations. His party is one week before I go, and I really should try and make that my distraction. TALL ORDER !!
Friday, September 15, 2006
Friday September 15th 2006
I organised an entertainer for Aidan's birthday party today. The party will be at our house on 14th October, his birthday being on the 18th. I couldn't make it the weekend after because I already have enough to think about then !!
So... it's 38 days before I go. That's very soon. I am already thinking about what to pack and what I need to get in before I go. I have paid the money in full for the operation now, although it doesn't officially leave my bank until 20th September, the paperwork is all done to make that payment happen. I felt physically sick walking away from the bank !!
Not sure if I should have or not, but today I started to write letters to my kids to cover the 'just in case' scenario with this operation. Had me weeping buckets to think of their faces if, for some unknown reason, things went horribly wrong. I know that perhaps I should not think that way but I want to cover all bases. Is that wrong?
I have stupid niggling doubts in my head about how Alan will respond to my changing body. I don't want this weight loss to be something that comes between us in the future. I hope that it brings us closer together. I really do. I lost my first husband while I lost weight the first time round though, and I don't want to risk this marriage for anything. He assures me we will be fine, so I have to believe that, and hope that every stone lost will be a cause for celebration between us.
What else has been going on... not much really. I shampoo'd the carpets yesterday and blitzed the downstairs of the house. The upstairs will hopefully get done tomorrow when the kids are about to watch over Michael. It's nigh on impossible to do much when he is following my every move ! Going to bath the kids now... best go
So... it's 38 days before I go. That's very soon. I am already thinking about what to pack and what I need to get in before I go. I have paid the money in full for the operation now, although it doesn't officially leave my bank until 20th September, the paperwork is all done to make that payment happen. I felt physically sick walking away from the bank !!
Not sure if I should have or not, but today I started to write letters to my kids to cover the 'just in case' scenario with this operation. Had me weeping buckets to think of their faces if, for some unknown reason, things went horribly wrong. I know that perhaps I should not think that way but I want to cover all bases. Is that wrong?
I have stupid niggling doubts in my head about how Alan will respond to my changing body. I don't want this weight loss to be something that comes between us in the future. I hope that it brings us closer together. I really do. I lost my first husband while I lost weight the first time round though, and I don't want to risk this marriage for anything. He assures me we will be fine, so I have to believe that, and hope that every stone lost will be a cause for celebration between us.
What else has been going on... not much really. I shampoo'd the carpets yesterday and blitzed the downstairs of the house. The upstairs will hopefully get done tomorrow when the kids are about to watch over Michael. It's nigh on impossible to do much when he is following my every move ! Going to bath the kids now... best go
Friday September 15th 2006
I organised an entertainer for Aidan's birthday party today. The party will be at our house on 14th October, his birthday being on the 18th. I couldn't make it the weekend after because I already have enough to think about then !!
So... it's 38 days before I go. That's very soon. I am already thinking about what to pack and what I need to get in before I go. I have paid the money in full for the operation now, although it doesn't officially leave my bank until 20th September, the paperwork is all done to make that payment happen. I felt physically sick walking away from the bank !!
Not sure if I should have or not, but today I started to write letters to my kids to cover the 'just in case' scenario with this operation. Had me weeping buckets to think of their faces if, for some unknown reason, things went horribly wrong. I know that perhaps I should not think that way but I want to cover all bases. Is that wrong?
I have stupid niggling doubts in my head about how Alan will respond to my changing body. I don't want this weight loss to be something that comes between us in the future. I hope that it brings us closer together. I really do. I lost my first husband while I lost weight the first time round though, and I don't want to risk this marriage for anything. He assures me we will be fine, so I have to believe that, and hope that every stone lost will be a cause for celebration between us.
What else has been going on... not much really. I shampoo'd the carpets yesterday and blitzed the downstairs of the house. The upstairs will hopefully get done tomorrow when the kids are about to watch over Michael. It's nigh on impossible to do much when he is following my every move ! Going to bath the kids now... best go
So... it's 38 days before I go. That's very soon. I am already thinking about what to pack and what I need to get in before I go. I have paid the money in full for the operation now, although it doesn't officially leave my bank until 20th September, the paperwork is all done to make that payment happen. I felt physically sick walking away from the bank !!
Not sure if I should have or not, but today I started to write letters to my kids to cover the 'just in case' scenario with this operation. Had me weeping buckets to think of their faces if, for some unknown reason, things went horribly wrong. I know that perhaps I should not think that way but I want to cover all bases. Is that wrong?
I have stupid niggling doubts in my head about how Alan will respond to my changing body. I don't want this weight loss to be something that comes between us in the future. I hope that it brings us closer together. I really do. I lost my first husband while I lost weight the first time round though, and I don't want to risk this marriage for anything. He assures me we will be fine, so I have to believe that, and hope that every stone lost will be a cause for celebration between us.
What else has been going on... not much really. I shampoo'd the carpets yesterday and blitzed the downstairs of the house. The upstairs will hopefully get done tomorrow when the kids are about to watch over Michael. It's nigh on impossible to do much when he is following my every move ! Going to bath the kids now... best go
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Sunday 10th September 206
I spent all day yesterday setting up my website so that my weight loss is recorded and people can see information about what I am having done. I have told practically nobody about it, which runs the risk of some friends being annoyed with me, but I have a page on the website that explains why. I really hope that nobody gets offended because that was never my intention.
Anyway, the website is looking very girly and I like it. I have put a lot of information on there, and it will be added to as I go on. It was quite cathartic for me to go through it all, because making it make sense on the website, made it make sense for me too! I knew there was a lot to take on board about the surgery, but more so about the diet afterwards, but writing it down clarified things for me, which was helpful.
I added Connie's video to the site ( ok, Alan added it, because he is a whizz like that !!). It's a weight loss story that I came across while reading up on the internet, and it had me in floods of tears. It has allowed me to dare to dream to be that slim. It is so inspirational that I want people to see it and understand why I am doing this. She is so beautiful now she has lost weight, and she will never know just how much her story has impacted on me. I have a fair amount more to add to the site. I was going through some pictures and putting them on there yesterday, but there are ones in the loft that I need to find and add which are on ordinary photo paper - pre digital days !! I want everyone who visits my site to see that I was not always this big. In fact I have never been THIS big before in my whole life. I have to keep reminding myself though that I have won this fight by booking this surgery and making a claim back on my life. It's hard going to think that in 6 weeks time I am getting on a plane. 6 weeks will go so fast.
How am I feeling today ? Well, yesterday I was quite hyper thinking about the operation and reading all the stuff on the website, but today I am feeling just plain terrified. All the 'what if I die' feelings are coming to the front and that is truely terrifying. I am feeling flat today after the high of yesterday.
It is our 6th wedding anniversary tomorrow but we are not doing anything special for it, which is a shame. I know that this will be our last chance to go out for a nice meal together where I can actually eat and drink at the same time !! Where I can actually order the steak if I choose to and know that I can finish it ! Does that sound mad, or just greedy?! I know that after this operation I will have to change my whole attitude to eating. Having to drink 60mins before the food comes to allow my stomach room to eat as well as drink. 3-4 oz is not a lot !! The total reduction of sugar to ward off the dumping syndrome is pretty scarey because although I am not addicted to sugar like some people, I do like some sweet things. Will I be totally intolerant ?? I don't know. Maybe I should be having the duodenal switch instead, but then maybe I need to stop the sweet stuff. Maybe if I can't have it, then I won't have it. Would that really be such a bad thing?
My mind is racing forward to afterwards. If we get invited somewhere for dinner, how will I actually eat without offending the cook ? We enjoy having our friends Barbra and Tommy over for a chinese so none of us has to cook, but I won't be able to eat chinese anymore will I ? I don't know. I hope in a teeny tiny portion, I would be able to, just sometimes.
I need to get this house tidied up and ready for when I go. I need to make sure the fridge is stocked up and that the washing and ironing is done so that the kids have clean school clothes, and there are enough nappies in the house to keep Michael smelling sweet ! God I am so going to miss them, and Alan of course. Missing your kids, and missing your Husband are two different things completely !! My kids are little people who need me to be their mummy and need me to be there for them, cook and clean for them, help with the homework, you know, all the stuff that means that they are looked after and cared for. My husband is my soul mate, and we lean on each other at times of stress. He calls on me, or I call on him and that is the way it goes. I am going to feel his absence so deeply when I am in the hospital because I will be very much alone going through it. Ellen, bless her, is such a wonderful friend and I know she will be with me every step of the way, but when I say alone, I mean, without my soul mate. I would not have him leave the kids to be with me though. I would never be that selfish. It's just scary that is all.
I have to go to work tonight. Last time I worked on 7D at the Royal there was a nurse who had been 20 stone plus working there, but she has now a svelte 10 stone or less because of Weight Watchers. She goes about giving talks about her diet and how she lost the weight, and yes, she is inspirational. Her body clearly responded to their diet plan so good for her. Mine didn't so there is no reason for me to feel odd if she is on tonight. She is a genuinely nice person and it was great to work and chat with her.
Right, now Michael is having a sleep, I will get on with sorting these photo's out. Might make me feel better, or not....
Anyway, the website is looking very girly and I like it. I have put a lot of information on there, and it will be added to as I go on. It was quite cathartic for me to go through it all, because making it make sense on the website, made it make sense for me too! I knew there was a lot to take on board about the surgery, but more so about the diet afterwards, but writing it down clarified things for me, which was helpful.
I added Connie's video to the site ( ok, Alan added it, because he is a whizz like that !!). It's a weight loss story that I came across while reading up on the internet, and it had me in floods of tears. It has allowed me to dare to dream to be that slim. It is so inspirational that I want people to see it and understand why I am doing this. She is so beautiful now she has lost weight, and she will never know just how much her story has impacted on me. I have a fair amount more to add to the site. I was going through some pictures and putting them on there yesterday, but there are ones in the loft that I need to find and add which are on ordinary photo paper - pre digital days !! I want everyone who visits my site to see that I was not always this big. In fact I have never been THIS big before in my whole life. I have to keep reminding myself though that I have won this fight by booking this surgery and making a claim back on my life. It's hard going to think that in 6 weeks time I am getting on a plane. 6 weeks will go so fast.
How am I feeling today ? Well, yesterday I was quite hyper thinking about the operation and reading all the stuff on the website, but today I am feeling just plain terrified. All the 'what if I die' feelings are coming to the front and that is truely terrifying. I am feeling flat today after the high of yesterday.
It is our 6th wedding anniversary tomorrow but we are not doing anything special for it, which is a shame. I know that this will be our last chance to go out for a nice meal together where I can actually eat and drink at the same time !! Where I can actually order the steak if I choose to and know that I can finish it ! Does that sound mad, or just greedy?! I know that after this operation I will have to change my whole attitude to eating. Having to drink 60mins before the food comes to allow my stomach room to eat as well as drink. 3-4 oz is not a lot !! The total reduction of sugar to ward off the dumping syndrome is pretty scarey because although I am not addicted to sugar like some people, I do like some sweet things. Will I be totally intolerant ?? I don't know. Maybe I should be having the duodenal switch instead, but then maybe I need to stop the sweet stuff. Maybe if I can't have it, then I won't have it. Would that really be such a bad thing?
My mind is racing forward to afterwards. If we get invited somewhere for dinner, how will I actually eat without offending the cook ? We enjoy having our friends Barbra and Tommy over for a chinese so none of us has to cook, but I won't be able to eat chinese anymore will I ? I don't know. I hope in a teeny tiny portion, I would be able to, just sometimes.
I need to get this house tidied up and ready for when I go. I need to make sure the fridge is stocked up and that the washing and ironing is done so that the kids have clean school clothes, and there are enough nappies in the house to keep Michael smelling sweet ! God I am so going to miss them, and Alan of course. Missing your kids, and missing your Husband are two different things completely !! My kids are little people who need me to be their mummy and need me to be there for them, cook and clean for them, help with the homework, you know, all the stuff that means that they are looked after and cared for. My husband is my soul mate, and we lean on each other at times of stress. He calls on me, or I call on him and that is the way it goes. I am going to feel his absence so deeply when I am in the hospital because I will be very much alone going through it. Ellen, bless her, is such a wonderful friend and I know she will be with me every step of the way, but when I say alone, I mean, without my soul mate. I would not have him leave the kids to be with me though. I would never be that selfish. It's just scary that is all.
I have to go to work tonight. Last time I worked on 7D at the Royal there was a nurse who had been 20 stone plus working there, but she has now a svelte 10 stone or less because of Weight Watchers. She goes about giving talks about her diet and how she lost the weight, and yes, she is inspirational. Her body clearly responded to their diet plan so good for her. Mine didn't so there is no reason for me to feel odd if she is on tonight. She is a genuinely nice person and it was great to work and chat with her.
Right, now Michael is having a sleep, I will get on with sorting these photo's out. Might make me feel better, or not....
Friday, September 08, 2006
Friday September 8th 2006
Not sure whether to count days or weeks here. 6 weeks and 3 days before we fly to Bruges, or 45 days. I think the weeks seems like further away so I will go with that !! I could have had this op sooner but I wanted to get past Aidan's 5th birthday first. The last thing I want is to be feeling unwell for a special day in his life. I told him yesterday that I was going on a little holiday with Ellen. I explained that I would be away for just a few days but the Daddy and Nanny would be here to look after him and his brother and sister, and he would be having such fun in school each day that he would hardly notice my not being there. He came over and hugged me and told me that he would miss me. Told me that he wanted to come with me, and then had a little cry. I told him that it was ages away before I go though, because to him 6 weeks is ages away! I explained that the week would fly and Daddy would bring them all to the airport to collect me when I come home. He loves aeroplanes so this cheered him up !!
I have 2 images in my head today. The heartache of my kids when they get up on the morning that I go, and finding that I am gone. Their Nanny will have to jolly them along that day but I can already imagine that they will be upset. The second image will be when they see me at the airport when I get home. That will be the most wonderful thing ever. I am sure Michael will be feeling odd with out me about kissing and cuddling him every day. He may only be a baby but he is perceptive enough to know that someone who is a constant in his life is suddenly not there anymore. I am going to miss them all so much it's ripping me in two just thinking about it. I am going to be a mess at the airport when Alan drops us off.
The money is in the bank and I am hoping it will be cleared funds soon. I have to pay for the operation soon and then it will be set in stone that it is happening no matter what. I know I am probably one of the luckiest people in the country to be getting this operation when it just is not available here on the NHS. I should be grateful rather than going on and on about my irrational fears. Ugh... I was told my a friend last night to 'stop over analysing', and i guess he is right !!
So.. more positivity needed. I have a list of people who I will keep this operation a secret from until the weight is dropping off me. There are loads of people that I see maybe only once a year, my parents included. I will only direct them to this website once I have seen the look on their faces when they see me all slim. I can't wait to see the look on the faces of some of the ones I have always felt looked down on me with disgust because I am a big person. That will be so good. There are people I work with on an ad hoc basis and therefore may not see them for a few months at a time. Their faces will be a picture. The ladies at the school gate... I am sure they will be whispering to each other but I really hope they tell me what they are thinking. I would so much like to get to know some of them better but I feel so self conscious about my size that I don't feel anyone can see past my weight and they judge meaccording to what they see rather than who I am. It's probably just how I perceive myself, but I am sure when I walk onto a new ward that I am judged by my appearance, and seeing a fat girl they decide that I am not capable of being a good nurse, but a hindrence to the shift. ...... (ok yes Digger, i know, I am over analysing again. I hear you ok !!)
I am trying to get my support network in place at the moment. People who I can turn to if I am up or down, and know that I don't have to explain myself, they will be there to talk to me and tell me that I am doing ok.
If I forget to mention these lovely people afterwards ( which I know I won't but I am getting this in here right now because it's important they know how much I care about them)
I have my darling husband Alan, who sees the pretty 'me' no matter what I look like. He has been my rock through lots of really tough times in my life, and I love him so deeply that words cannot express enough for the way I feel. He has this unique ability to make me see things differently, and to take a step back and think before I go any further. He has given me his full support with this operation and I will promise you, my darling sweet man, I will make it work. I will be the wife you deserve, although you keep telling me I already am.
I have my dear friend Barbra who I know that I can confide in and will be there to notice every little change in my appearance and spur me on. I am sure I shocked you with my decision and you were so kind to not jump in and ask me outright why I was going to Belgium, but to let me tell you in my own time. Your kindness and support means so much to me. Knowing that you will also be watching over my children during the week puts my mind at ease.
I have my online pal Digger who although has an obsession about 23 inch waists and I think I shocked him badly when he found out that I am not the svelte chick he thought he was chatting to, has been an absolute star in telling me that I am being brave and that he is proud of me. One day we can poke each others surgery scars !!
I have my ex work mate and one of the nicest friends you could have, Ellen, who is going to be there holding my hand through this operation and probably out chatting up the Belgium guys when she is not with me !! It's not a holiday... ok, it is for you, go and enjoy yourself girl !
I have my old school mate Jo, who I think I shocked the most by telling her ages ago that I was thinking about bariatric surgery. She all but told me off !! She is a Slimming World fan, which I have to admit, I was too, but I just can't seem to slim the weight off me and keep it off. I know you care about me Jo, so just keep holding my hand from afar and keep sending me positive vibes !! I am still not sure about the Xander name... you might be having a girl so how about Marika for a name ?!! LOL !
I know that without you guys this would be so much harder. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I have 2 images in my head today. The heartache of my kids when they get up on the morning that I go, and finding that I am gone. Their Nanny will have to jolly them along that day but I can already imagine that they will be upset. The second image will be when they see me at the airport when I get home. That will be the most wonderful thing ever. I am sure Michael will be feeling odd with out me about kissing and cuddling him every day. He may only be a baby but he is perceptive enough to know that someone who is a constant in his life is suddenly not there anymore. I am going to miss them all so much it's ripping me in two just thinking about it. I am going to be a mess at the airport when Alan drops us off.
The money is in the bank and I am hoping it will be cleared funds soon. I have to pay for the operation soon and then it will be set in stone that it is happening no matter what. I know I am probably one of the luckiest people in the country to be getting this operation when it just is not available here on the NHS. I should be grateful rather than going on and on about my irrational fears. Ugh... I was told my a friend last night to 'stop over analysing', and i guess he is right !!
So.. more positivity needed. I have a list of people who I will keep this operation a secret from until the weight is dropping off me. There are loads of people that I see maybe only once a year, my parents included. I will only direct them to this website once I have seen the look on their faces when they see me all slim. I can't wait to see the look on the faces of some of the ones I have always felt looked down on me with disgust because I am a big person. That will be so good. There are people I work with on an ad hoc basis and therefore may not see them for a few months at a time. Their faces will be a picture. The ladies at the school gate... I am sure they will be whispering to each other but I really hope they tell me what they are thinking. I would so much like to get to know some of them better but I feel so self conscious about my size that I don't feel anyone can see past my weight and they judge meaccording to what they see rather than who I am. It's probably just how I perceive myself, but I am sure when I walk onto a new ward that I am judged by my appearance, and seeing a fat girl they decide that I am not capable of being a good nurse, but a hindrence to the shift. ...... (ok yes Digger, i know, I am over analysing again. I hear you ok !!)
I am trying to get my support network in place at the moment. People who I can turn to if I am up or down, and know that I don't have to explain myself, they will be there to talk to me and tell me that I am doing ok.
If I forget to mention these lovely people afterwards ( which I know I won't but I am getting this in here right now because it's important they know how much I care about them)
I have my darling husband Alan, who sees the pretty 'me' no matter what I look like. He has been my rock through lots of really tough times in my life, and I love him so deeply that words cannot express enough for the way I feel. He has this unique ability to make me see things differently, and to take a step back and think before I go any further. He has given me his full support with this operation and I will promise you, my darling sweet man, I will make it work. I will be the wife you deserve, although you keep telling me I already am.
I have my dear friend Barbra who I know that I can confide in and will be there to notice every little change in my appearance and spur me on. I am sure I shocked you with my decision and you were so kind to not jump in and ask me outright why I was going to Belgium, but to let me tell you in my own time. Your kindness and support means so much to me. Knowing that you will also be watching over my children during the week puts my mind at ease.
I have my online pal Digger who although has an obsession about 23 inch waists and I think I shocked him badly when he found out that I am not the svelte chick he thought he was chatting to, has been an absolute star in telling me that I am being brave and that he is proud of me. One day we can poke each others surgery scars !!
I have my ex work mate and one of the nicest friends you could have, Ellen, who is going to be there holding my hand through this operation and probably out chatting up the Belgium guys when she is not with me !! It's not a holiday... ok, it is for you, go and enjoy yourself girl !
I have my old school mate Jo, who I think I shocked the most by telling her ages ago that I was thinking about bariatric surgery. She all but told me off !! She is a Slimming World fan, which I have to admit, I was too, but I just can't seem to slim the weight off me and keep it off. I know you care about me Jo, so just keep holding my hand from afar and keep sending me positive vibes !! I am still not sure about the Xander name... you might be having a girl so how about Marika for a name ?!! LOL !
I know that without you guys this would be so much harder. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Thursday September 7th 2006.
On monday this week I decided that I needed the gastric surgery, having done all the reading and research. I guess it's a case of wanting to start living as soon as possible, and I need to do that, to be certain of a future that was not confined to a wheelchair. I had a lengthy conversation with my parents about the operation I wanted and they thankfully agreed to foot the bill.
I made numerous calls to clinics in England but they were all charging £10000 plus for the operation. In Belgium the operation costs £5550. Having been helped by my dear friends on WLSforum, I was able to contact the surgeon directly, and save a small fortune in the process.
So, by tuesday afternoon, It was all but booked pending on the deposit being paid. The flights were booked and I am psyching myself up for it now. I went to work on tuesday night talking to myself most of the way there, telling myself over and over that it was booked and that I was going to have this. Telling myself not to focus on the surgery but on the fact that this time next year I could be slimmer than I ever dared to imagine I would be. I was joking with another agency nurse that night that the next time we worked together ( which may well be a long time away) I could be hiding behind a drip stand ! Sweet, wishful thinking !!
My fears about being away from the kids and Alan for the week are valid considering I have never been away from the kids for more than one day, and Alan and I have been together for 8 years and since I moved here we have been inseparable. I remember the times when we parted at the airport when I was still living in England, and how each time we had to let go and walk away from each other was just so hard. We are so much a part of each other that any time away from each other feels like half of me is missing. I know I will have to go to theatre without him being close to me physically. That will scare me. I am sure he will be beside himself the day of my operation, waiting to hear that I am ok. He has to stay here with the kids though, and being a parent means you make these sacrifices which allow them to feel safe and secure, loved and cared for.
I am so glad that my friend Ellen is coming with me. She is the kindest, caring and funy person that I know and there is no-one else I want with me apart from Alan, to be there holding my hand through it all. She has a way of telling me to wise up and pull myself together without insulting me. She has a heart of gold and I am going to be eternally grateful to her for being there with me through this. We met up this morning for coffee. We were looking at travel guides to Bruges and she kept saying the word 'Holiday' which made me laugh. I said ' It is NOT a holiday !!'... then corrected myself ' OK, it's a holiday for you !' She's great and I know I am in safe hands with her at my side.
I made numerous calls to clinics in England but they were all charging £10000 plus for the operation. In Belgium the operation costs £5550. Having been helped by my dear friends on WLSforum, I was able to contact the surgeon directly, and save a small fortune in the process.
So, by tuesday afternoon, It was all but booked pending on the deposit being paid. The flights were booked and I am psyching myself up for it now. I went to work on tuesday night talking to myself most of the way there, telling myself over and over that it was booked and that I was going to have this. Telling myself not to focus on the surgery but on the fact that this time next year I could be slimmer than I ever dared to imagine I would be. I was joking with another agency nurse that night that the next time we worked together ( which may well be a long time away) I could be hiding behind a drip stand ! Sweet, wishful thinking !!
My fears about being away from the kids and Alan for the week are valid considering I have never been away from the kids for more than one day, and Alan and I have been together for 8 years and since I moved here we have been inseparable. I remember the times when we parted at the airport when I was still living in England, and how each time we had to let go and walk away from each other was just so hard. We are so much a part of each other that any time away from each other feels like half of me is missing. I know I will have to go to theatre without him being close to me physically. That will scare me. I am sure he will be beside himself the day of my operation, waiting to hear that I am ok. He has to stay here with the kids though, and being a parent means you make these sacrifices which allow them to feel safe and secure, loved and cared for.
I am so glad that my friend Ellen is coming with me. She is the kindest, caring and funy person that I know and there is no-one else I want with me apart from Alan, to be there holding my hand through it all. She has a way of telling me to wise up and pull myself together without insulting me. She has a heart of gold and I am going to be eternally grateful to her for being there with me through this. We met up this morning for coffee. We were looking at travel guides to Bruges and she kept saying the word 'Holiday' which made me laugh. I said ' It is NOT a holiday !!'... then corrected myself ' OK, it's a holiday for you !' She's great and I know I am in safe hands with her at my side.
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