Friday September 8th 2006

Not sure whether to count days or weeks here. 6 weeks and 3 days before we fly to Bruges, or 45 days. I think the weeks seems like further away so I will go with that !! I could have had this op sooner but I wanted to get past Aidan's 5th birthday first. The last thing I want is to be feeling unwell for a special day in his life. I told him yesterday that I was going on a little holiday with Ellen. I explained that I would be away for just a few days but the Daddy and Nanny would be here to look after him and his brother and sister, and he would be having such fun in school each day that he would hardly notice my not being there. He came over and hugged me and told me that he would miss me. Told me that he wanted to come with me, and then had a little cry. I told him that it was ages away before I go though, because to him 6 weeks is ages away! I explained that the week would fly and Daddy would bring them all to the airport to collect me when I come home. He loves aeroplanes so this cheered him up !!

I have 2 images in my head today. The heartache of my kids when they get up on the morning that I go, and finding that I am gone. Their Nanny will have to jolly them along that day but I can already imagine that they will be upset. The second image will be when they see me at the airport when I get home. That will be the most wonderful thing ever. I am sure Michael will be feeling odd with out me about kissing and cuddling him every day. He may only be a baby but he is perceptive enough to know that someone who is a constant in his life is suddenly not there anymore. I am going to miss them all so much it's ripping me in two just thinking about it. I am going to be a mess at the airport when Alan drops us off.

The money is in the bank and I am hoping it will be cleared funds soon. I have to pay for the operation soon and then it will be set in stone that it is happening no matter what. I know I am probably one of the luckiest people in the country to be getting this operation when it just is not available here on the NHS. I should be grateful rather than going on and on about my irrational fears. Ugh... I was told my a friend last night to 'stop over analysing', and i guess he is right !!

So.. more positivity needed. I have a list of people who I will keep this operation a secret from until the weight is dropping off me. There are loads of people that I see maybe only once a year, my parents included. I will only direct them to this website once I have seen the look on their faces when they see me all slim. I can't wait to see the look on the faces of some of the ones I have always felt looked down on me with disgust because I am a big person. That will be so good. There are people I work with on an ad hoc basis and therefore may not see them for a few months at a time. Their faces will be a picture. The ladies at the school gate... I am sure they will be whispering to each other but I really hope they tell me what they are thinking. I would so much like to get to know some of them better but I feel so self conscious about my size that I don't feel anyone can see past my weight and they judge meaccording to what they see rather than who I am. It's probably just how I perceive myself, but I am sure when I walk onto a new ward that I am judged by my appearance, and seeing a fat girl they decide that I am not capable of being a good nurse, but a hindrence to the shift. ...... (ok yes Digger, i know, I am over analysing again. I hear you ok !!)

I am trying to get my support network in place at the moment. People who I can turn to if I am up or down, and know that I don't have to explain myself, they will be there to talk to me and tell me that I am doing ok.

If I forget to mention these lovely people afterwards ( which I know I won't but I am getting this in here right now because it's important they know how much I care about them)

I have my darling husband Alan, who sees the pretty 'me' no matter what I look like. He has been my rock through lots of really tough times in my life, and I love him so deeply that words cannot express enough for the way I feel. He has this unique ability to make me see things differently, and to take a step back and think before I go any further. He has given me his full support with this operation and I will promise you, my darling sweet man, I will make it work. I will be the wife you deserve, although you keep telling me I already am.

I have my dear friend Barbra who I know that I can confide in and will be there to notice every little change in my appearance and spur me on. I am sure I shocked you with my decision and you were so kind to not jump in and ask me outright why I was going to Belgium, but to let me tell you in my own time. Your kindness and support means so much to me. Knowing that you will also be watching over my children during the week puts my mind at ease.

I have my online pal Digger who although has an obsession about 23 inch waists and I think I shocked him badly when he found out that I am not the svelte chick he thought he was chatting to, has been an absolute star in telling me that I am being brave and that he is proud of me. One day we can poke each others surgery scars !!

I have my ex work mate and one of the nicest friends you could have, Ellen, who is going to be there holding my hand through this operation and probably out chatting up the Belgium guys when she is not with me !! It's not a holiday... ok, it is for you, go and enjoy yourself girl !

I have my old school mate Jo, who I think I shocked the most by telling her ages ago that I was thinking about bariatric surgery. She all but told me off !! She is a Slimming World fan, which I have to admit, I was too, but I just can't seem to slim the weight off me and keep it off. I know you care about me Jo, so just keep holding my hand from afar and keep sending me positive vibes !! I am still not sure about the Xander name... you might be having a girl so how about Marika for a name ?!! LOL !

I know that without you guys this would be so much harder. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.