Sunday 10th September 206

I spent all day yesterday setting up my website so that my weight loss is recorded and people can see information about what I am having done. I have told practically nobody about it, which runs the risk of some friends being annoyed with me, but I have a page on the website that explains why. I really hope that nobody gets offended because that was never my intention.

Anyway, the website is looking very girly and I like it. I have put a lot of information on there, and it will be added to as I go on. It was quite cathartic for me to go through it all, because making it make sense on the website, made it make sense for me too! I knew there was a lot to take on board about the surgery, but more so about the diet afterwards, but writing it down clarified things for me, which was helpful.

I added Connie's video to the site ( ok, Alan added it, because he is a whizz like that !!). It's a weight loss story that I came across while reading up on the internet, and it had me in floods of tears. It has allowed me to dare to dream to be that slim. It is so inspirational that I want people to see it and understand why I am doing this. She is so beautiful now she has lost weight, and she will never know just how much her story has impacted on me. I have a fair amount more to add to the site. I was going through some pictures and putting them on there yesterday, but there are ones in the loft that I need to find and add which are on ordinary photo paper - pre digital days !! I want everyone who visits my site to see that I was not always this big. In fact I have never been THIS big before in my whole life. I have to keep reminding myself though that I have won this fight by booking this surgery and making a claim back on my life. It's hard going to think that in 6 weeks time I am getting on a plane. 6 weeks will go so fast.

How am I feeling today ? Well, yesterday I was quite hyper thinking about the operation and reading all the stuff on the website, but today I am feeling just plain terrified. All the 'what if I die' feelings are coming to the front and that is truely terrifying. I am feeling flat today after the high of yesterday.

It is our 6th wedding anniversary tomorrow but we are not doing anything special for it, which is a shame. I know that this will be our last chance to go out for a nice meal together where I can actually eat and drink at the same time !! Where I can actually order the steak if I choose to and know that I can finish it ! Does that sound mad, or just greedy?! I know that after this operation I will have to change my whole attitude to eating. Having to drink 60mins before the food comes to allow my stomach room to eat as well as drink. 3-4 oz is not a lot !! The total reduction of sugar to ward off the dumping syndrome is pretty scarey because although I am not addicted to sugar like some people, I do like some sweet things. Will I be totally intolerant ?? I don't know. Maybe I should be having the duodenal switch instead, but then maybe I need to stop the sweet stuff. Maybe if I can't have it, then I won't have it. Would that really be such a bad thing?

My mind is racing forward to afterwards. If we get invited somewhere for dinner, how will I actually eat without offending the cook ? We enjoy having our friends Barbra and Tommy over for a chinese so none of us has to cook, but I won't be able to eat chinese anymore will I ? I don't know. I hope in a teeny tiny portion, I would be able to, just sometimes.

I need to get this house tidied up and ready for when I go. I need to make sure the fridge is stocked up and that the washing and ironing is done so that the kids have clean school clothes, and there are enough nappies in the house to keep Michael smelling sweet ! God I am so going to miss them, and Alan of course. Missing your kids, and missing your Husband are two different things completely !! My kids are little people who need me to be their mummy and need me to be there for them, cook and clean for them, help with the homework, you know, all the stuff that means that they are looked after and cared for. My husband is my soul mate, and we lean on each other at times of stress. He calls on me, or I call on him and that is the way it goes. I am going to feel his absence so deeply when I am in the hospital because I will be very much alone going through it. Ellen, bless her, is such a wonderful friend and I know she will be with me every step of the way, but when I say alone, I mean, without my soul mate. I would not have him leave the kids to be with me though. I would never be that selfish. It's just scary that is all.

I have to go to work tonight. Last time I worked on 7D at the Royal there was a nurse who had been 20 stone plus working there, but she has now a svelte 10 stone or less because of Weight Watchers. She goes about giving talks about her diet and how she lost the weight, and yes, she is inspirational. Her body clearly responded to their diet plan so good for her. Mine didn't so there is no reason for me to feel odd if she is on tonight. She is a genuinely nice person and it was great to work and chat with her.

Right, now Michael is having a sleep, I will get on with sorting these photo's out. Might make me feel better, or not....