Sunday 17th September 2006

In 5 weeks time, this will be my last day at home before I get on that plane and change my life forever. It's all consuming at the moment. It's such a lot to take on board and I am sure Alan is getting mightly cheesed off with me ! I know I am going to get this done, and I know that I need to get this done, and I know that it will be a new start for me. My mind is unable to see any further than the operation at the moment though. It's just too much to imagine myself in a years time, a new slim me. All I can see is this operation before me, and more than anything else, being away from my husband and kids for a whole week. It will feel like a life time.

Rachel is being very clingy at the moment, which is most unlike her. She cried when I was leaving her at Brownies the other night, because she wanted me to stay, and she cried when she saw me at the school collecting Aidan, because she wanted me to take her home then too. It's totally out of character for her to be like that, but I am putting it down to her anxieties about my going away for the week. She has not voiced that to me, but I am trying to drip feed the notion that I will not be here for a few days but that it is no big deal, to her. I wonder how Michael and Aidan will get on without me. I am sure Michael will be a little out of sorts, although unable to understand why. Aidan might revert to being a cheeky rascal but IT'S ONLY A WEEK !! I am sure we can all cope with a week apart. We are going to have to, because it IS going to happen.

So, how am I feeling. Well, I am swaying between being more frightened than I have ever been in my life, to being happy that I have this date to work toward and that each day it is getting closer. I know that I am miserable with my weight at the moment, and this has to stop. My biggest upset is that Alan and the kids will not be there in Belgium with me. I know it really is not practical, and it would be upsetting for them to see me like that, so it's best that they carry on with their lives while I go and get my stomach sorted out, but the selfish part of me just wants them there so badly. I know Ellen will look after me. I trust her emphatically, and there is no other that I would want to wake up to post operatively apart from Al !! I need to get over this don't I ?!!

OK, so I spent a long while yesterday with Alan sorting out my PPC so that I can take lots of music with me, talk on Skype and have WiFi with ease and get and send email. The hotel has WiFi which is superb. I have plans to sort out Rachel's mp3 player too which is less fiddly to sort out when I just want to listen to music and switch off in the hospital. I have ordered new earphones for it because Aidan chewed the original set !!

Today, I have been sorting out Aidan's birthday party invitations. His party is one week before I go, and I really should try and make that my distraction. TALL ORDER !!