Thursday September 7th 2006.

On monday this week I decided that I needed the gastric surgery, having done all the reading and research. I guess it's a case of wanting to start living as soon as possible, and I need to do that, to be certain of a future that was not confined to a wheelchair. I had a lengthy conversation with my parents about the operation I wanted and they thankfully agreed to foot the bill.

I made numerous calls to clinics in England but they were all charging £10000 plus for the operation. In Belgium the operation costs £5550. Having been helped by my dear friends on WLSforum, I was able to contact the surgeon directly, and save a small fortune in the process.

So, by tuesday afternoon, It was all but booked pending on the deposit being paid. The flights were booked and I am psyching myself up for it now. I went to work on tuesday night talking to myself most of the way there, telling myself over and over that it was booked and that I was going to have this. Telling myself not to focus on the surgery but on the fact that this time next year I could be slimmer than I ever dared to imagine I would be. I was joking with another agency nurse that night that the next time we worked together ( which may well be a long time away) I could be hiding behind a drip stand ! Sweet, wishful thinking !!

My fears about being away from the kids and Alan for the week are valid considering I have never been away from the kids for more than one day, and Alan and I have been together for 8 years and since I moved here we have been inseparable. I remember the times when we parted at the airport when I was still living in England, and how each time we had to let go and walk away from each other was just so hard. We are so much a part of each other that any time away from each other feels like half of me is missing. I know I will have to go to theatre without him being close to me physically. That will scare me. I am sure he will be beside himself the day of my operation, waiting to hear that I am ok. He has to stay here with the kids though, and being a parent means you make these sacrifices which allow them to feel safe and secure, loved and cared for.

I am so glad that my friend Ellen is coming with me. She is the kindest, caring and funy person that I know and there is no-one else I want with me apart from Alan, to be there holding my hand through it all. She has a way of telling me to wise up and pull myself together without insulting me. She has a heart of gold and I am going to be eternally grateful to her for being there with me through this. We met up this morning for coffee. We were looking at travel guides to Bruges and she kept saying the word 'Holiday' which made me laugh. I said ' It is NOT a holiday !!'... then corrected myself ' OK, it's a holiday for you !' She's great and I know I am in safe hands with her at my side.