Well, my bags are sitting in the car ready to go. I am feeling ok as it happens. I really am. Ellen is here and Frances is here and the kids are in bed. Rachel was very upset going to bed tonight but she settled when Alan went up for get a couple of hours kip before leaving. I kept it together for her sake all day, but had a little cry when I came down stairs.
I will keep it short here because I should be sociable. I will try and post from Bruges.
So... here I go. Roll on next tuesday when I am home again.
Al, I love you and the kids to bits. Thank you for supporting me through this op. You have been so amazing, and I love you forever and for always.
xxxxxxxxx
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Tuesday 17th October 2006
The weekend is creeping up on me. I think I am ready one moment and then I burst into tears the next !! I read on someones journal on the WLS info forum that 3 people from the forum died last year, but apparently it was not the WLS that finished them off. All the same it gave me the eebie jeebies. That said, I know the risks are really low. I have more risk of death every time I get in my car and drive somewhere than I will having this op. It kind of puts it back in perspective.
I have packed a load of things in my case already, and this morning I went and had a wander round the shops, and made myself look at the size 20 stuff which I hope I can fit into by Christmas. I was pleasantly surprised that there was a good selection which looked nice, and this made me feel better. I got a few bits and bobs for the kids too, as a little treat for while I am away. Mainly for Aidan and Rachel because there is a loft full of things that Michael has not seen or played with yet that will be like a treat for him.
I busied myself the rest of the morning making Aidan's birthday cake for him to take to school tomorrow. I am still disgusted at the parents who did not bring their kids to his party. I hope they take a bite of his cake and choke on it. They were rude and uncaring to not bother even sending the RSVP back for his party.
I have been feeling sick for about a week now. I know it's the nerves working on me. What am I doing????? I hope this calms down before the weekend. I need it to. Maybe it won't calm down til I am on the plane when I can get into the mode of 'going about the business of getting this op done'. I keep wanting to burst into tears though... this is mad.
I have packed a load of things in my case already, and this morning I went and had a wander round the shops, and made myself look at the size 20 stuff which I hope I can fit into by Christmas. I was pleasantly surprised that there was a good selection which looked nice, and this made me feel better. I got a few bits and bobs for the kids too, as a little treat for while I am away. Mainly for Aidan and Rachel because there is a loft full of things that Michael has not seen or played with yet that will be like a treat for him.
I busied myself the rest of the morning making Aidan's birthday cake for him to take to school tomorrow. I am still disgusted at the parents who did not bring their kids to his party. I hope they take a bite of his cake and choke on it. They were rude and uncaring to not bother even sending the RSVP back for his party.
I have been feeling sick for about a week now. I know it's the nerves working on me. What am I doing????? I hope this calms down before the weekend. I need it to. Maybe it won't calm down til I am on the plane when I can get into the mode of 'going about the business of getting this op done'. I keep wanting to burst into tears though... this is mad.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Sunday 15th October, 2006
It was Aidan's 5th birthday party yesterday. One of the main reasons I did not have my op sooner. I wanted to get that out of the way first. I was annoyed because out of the 17 people who were invited, only 6 turned up. I was not impressed. That said, the house was much quieter than I had anticipated it would be and the kids had a lovely time. I just want to seeth at the parents who neither bothered to call me or rsvp to the invitation. They did not have to see my son's face when the party was due to begin and NOT ONE child was here. It's a disgrace. The others turned up late, but all in all, it was ok. Aidan enjoyed himself and that was the main thing.
So... I went to work last night. It started with a crappy moment where I was surplus to requirements and not sure if I was going to get moved to another ward at any given moment. I didn't get moved however and it was a good night on the whole. I had one of those crappy moments when ( and it's not the first time either.. naturally) a patient told me that I was 'cuddly'. Grrr... I usually want the ground to open up and eat me, especially when I am given this description in front of others. What is it about patients like that who think they are the first person to ever notice that you are fat, and that you need to be told ????? How dare they ? But last night, I reacted differently by saying ' No really... well, who would have guessed ' and then walked away thinking ' not for much longer !! You wait !
My lovely friends on WLSinfo forum have been so supportive toward me in the time building up to this op. That website really is the most wonderful place to visit when you need a pep talk. I am looking forward to being able to change my details to read 'post op' and join the post op gang, the loosers !!
I got talking to Alan the other night after I wrote my blog. He was really great, sitting and listening to me and allowing me to blather on and on. I said that leaving him at the airport is going to be so hard, and he told me that he needed me to be strong, get out of the car, get my case, kiss him goodbye and turn around and go. I looked up at him and he was near in tears, and he said that it is going to be hard for him to drive home because he won't settle until he hears my voice post op. It will be plain sailing from then. I love this man of mine so much..... I knew this op was affecting him but he was just covering his own emotions about it because he did not want to influence my decision. We got talking about clothes after that and I said that at the moment there is no clothing shop in Larne that sells clothes that fit my size, so I am not used to clothes shopping in normal clothes shops. I said that I had no idea how to dress myself in skinny clothes, as I would always see a fat person looking back at me in the mirror. He said to trust him, and he would dress me ! I can't wait for that !
Right... I am falling asleep typing this. I am sooooo tired... need a kip
So... I went to work last night. It started with a crappy moment where I was surplus to requirements and not sure if I was going to get moved to another ward at any given moment. I didn't get moved however and it was a good night on the whole. I had one of those crappy moments when ( and it's not the first time either.. naturally) a patient told me that I was 'cuddly'. Grrr... I usually want the ground to open up and eat me, especially when I am given this description in front of others. What is it about patients like that who think they are the first person to ever notice that you are fat, and that you need to be told ????? How dare they ? But last night, I reacted differently by saying ' No really... well, who would have guessed ' and then walked away thinking ' not for much longer !! You wait !
My lovely friends on WLSinfo forum have been so supportive toward me in the time building up to this op. That website really is the most wonderful place to visit when you need a pep talk. I am looking forward to being able to change my details to read 'post op' and join the post op gang, the loosers !!
I got talking to Alan the other night after I wrote my blog. He was really great, sitting and listening to me and allowing me to blather on and on. I said that leaving him at the airport is going to be so hard, and he told me that he needed me to be strong, get out of the car, get my case, kiss him goodbye and turn around and go. I looked up at him and he was near in tears, and he said that it is going to be hard for him to drive home because he won't settle until he hears my voice post op. It will be plain sailing from then. I love this man of mine so much..... I knew this op was affecting him but he was just covering his own emotions about it because he did not want to influence my decision. We got talking about clothes after that and I said that at the moment there is no clothing shop in Larne that sells clothes that fit my size, so I am not used to clothes shopping in normal clothes shops. I said that I had no idea how to dress myself in skinny clothes, as I would always see a fat person looking back at me in the mirror. He said to trust him, and he would dress me ! I can't wait for that !
Right... I am falling asleep typing this. I am sooooo tired... need a kip
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Thursday 12th October 2006
I am feeling really apprehensive today. I know that from tomorrow, I am down to the last few days. Today was 10 days plus a few hours before I go, tomorrow it will be down to single figures. It has just rushed at me today. I can't express myself to Alan to make him understand that I am so scared, not just of the journey away from him and the kids, but this operation. All the daft what if's coming at me.. what if I don't survive the op? What if it goes wrong ? What if I am in a lot of pain afterwards and it is not controlled. I am scared. It's a whole new start, a whole new life for me waiting right there but right here right now, it is like telling me to go and take a running leap off a tall building while everyone else waves at me from the building opposite. There is 'knowing' you are going to make it, and actually building up the courage to jump in the first place.
I am not following the pre op diet at all. I just can't face it. I will deal with the diet thing post op when I have no choice, but for now I need to get my head around the stresses of working up the the op. My case is half packed. I have the ironing to do, and I will probably throw some of this load into my case once it is ironed. I wonder how long post op they will fit me for. I like some of the things I wear, but replacing them with sassy sexy nicely fitting clothes will be a dream come true too. I will never have to hold on to these clothes 'just in case' i put weight back on because it's never going to happen !! I need to keep thinking this way. I really need to get my head straight again. I was so positive before, but somewhere along the line I have lost my positivity.
I am not following the pre op diet at all. I just can't face it. I will deal with the diet thing post op when I have no choice, but for now I need to get my head around the stresses of working up the the op. My case is half packed. I have the ironing to do, and I will probably throw some of this load into my case once it is ironed. I wonder how long post op they will fit me for. I like some of the things I wear, but replacing them with sassy sexy nicely fitting clothes will be a dream come true too. I will never have to hold on to these clothes 'just in case' i put weight back on because it's never going to happen !! I need to keep thinking this way. I really need to get my head straight again. I was so positive before, but somewhere along the line I have lost my positivity.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Tuesday 10th October 2006
Is it the 10th October already !?!!! Yikes ! Operation on 25th, that means 15 days to go until op day.
I just finished ordering my groceries on line from Tesco's. I love Tesco's ! It's not that I am a lazy git ( well not always ) and don't want to go and get my own shopping, but I like the fact that I can control what I am buying rather than wander along aimlessly through the aisles throwing in things that I don't actually need or want !
I just made a hairdressers appt for Rachel for tonight, and for me on Friday. It's been such a long long time since I have had my hair done, for financial reasons mainly, but also because the reflection in the mirror is not what I want to look at for that length of time ! I hope this attitude changes when my wieght loss starts. I get embarassed that the hairdressers chair drops when I sit on it. I get embarassed that the capes in some hairdressers don't go round me. I get embarassed that sometimes the chairs just don't fit my enormous backside. Oh how I am NOT going to miss that !!
I was sent a pm from someone from Anne Diamond's website this morning, and they sounded like I did about 3 months ago. They know they want WLS but they just can't seem to find the information that they need. I directed them to the WLSinfo forum. I dearly hope they join up and find all the info. They are going to be fleeced by the Hospital Group otherwise !! I am not saying that the Hospital Group don't offer a great package, or that the surgery is bad at all, however, I am saying that they are profiteering from the UK public by charging such extoritionate rates for their surgery. Dr Dillemans has a fantastic reputation. He has helped so many of my WLSinfo mates to loose oodles of weight, and I trust him, and I trust their accounts of his work. There can be no better reference than the words of folk who have been there and done that.
I am not really following the pre op diet plan. I have skipped a few meals and replaced them with Slim Fast which was ok, but these last 2 weeks ( ok, less than that now) are my last chance to have severely sugary things without dumping syndrome ! I want to enjoy my sons birthday, and I want to enjoy a meal out with my darling hubby before I go. There are others on the WLSinfo forum who don't have to have a pre op diet for Dr Dillemans. Why are they allowed to eat and not me ?!! There are others who are made to go on a yoghurt only diet though for different surgeons, and that must be really punitive ! I don't really know what to do to be honest. I can't have the biggest liver in the UK so I am sure it will be ok. I just need to chill out don't I?!!
Got a few more bits and bobs for my case yesterday. The pre op section of the WLS forum has been invaluable for this. I have got loads of tips about what I might need. I got a little spray water bottle and I have some wet wipes ready, and I will need to pack some sanitary towels ( bought them yesterday too !) incase the op induces another period. I never realised that it would, but some ladies have been caught out, and I don't want that !!
Aidan's party is this weekend. I am not as stressed about this party because I have bigger things to be stressed about !! lol. The entertainer is booked, and the food is being delivered tomorrow. I need to sort out a cake, which I will attempt to do myself !! yikes ! My cakes never work, but hopefully this one will ! I have the definitive recipe for big cakes that cook in a roasting tin ! I am advised to make two, so I will give it a shot and see what happens. I have the topper to go on it, with lightening mcqueen which will please a little 5 year old man enormously ! I will keep you updated !
I am also getting a few bits and bobs in for the kids for while I am away, to put a smile on their faces. Aidan's little 'cars' watch arrived today, and I have a pink avon watch for Rachel, and I got them both sticker books. Aidan has a spider pencil sharpener, and Rachel has a furry pencil. I dare say I will add to this through the week so they have something special most days I am away. I can't bare the thought of them missing me, or being upset. I don't know what to get for Michael because he is just a baby and won't realise that any little gift is to make the week easier for him. He just loves his cuddles and he will get plenty of them I am sure, with Frances about and Alan. I hope he is ok without me. I am going to miss his little face so much.
IT'S ONLY A WEEK THOUGH !! I will cope, and so will they. I am going to start getting annoyed with myself soon !! lol Get a grip Marika.
I just finished ordering my groceries on line from Tesco's. I love Tesco's ! It's not that I am a lazy git ( well not always ) and don't want to go and get my own shopping, but I like the fact that I can control what I am buying rather than wander along aimlessly through the aisles throwing in things that I don't actually need or want !
I just made a hairdressers appt for Rachel for tonight, and for me on Friday. It's been such a long long time since I have had my hair done, for financial reasons mainly, but also because the reflection in the mirror is not what I want to look at for that length of time ! I hope this attitude changes when my wieght loss starts. I get embarassed that the hairdressers chair drops when I sit on it. I get embarassed that the capes in some hairdressers don't go round me. I get embarassed that sometimes the chairs just don't fit my enormous backside. Oh how I am NOT going to miss that !!
I was sent a pm from someone from Anne Diamond's website this morning, and they sounded like I did about 3 months ago. They know they want WLS but they just can't seem to find the information that they need. I directed them to the WLSinfo forum. I dearly hope they join up and find all the info. They are going to be fleeced by the Hospital Group otherwise !! I am not saying that the Hospital Group don't offer a great package, or that the surgery is bad at all, however, I am saying that they are profiteering from the UK public by charging such extoritionate rates for their surgery. Dr Dillemans has a fantastic reputation. He has helped so many of my WLSinfo mates to loose oodles of weight, and I trust him, and I trust their accounts of his work. There can be no better reference than the words of folk who have been there and done that.
I am not really following the pre op diet plan. I have skipped a few meals and replaced them with Slim Fast which was ok, but these last 2 weeks ( ok, less than that now) are my last chance to have severely sugary things without dumping syndrome ! I want to enjoy my sons birthday, and I want to enjoy a meal out with my darling hubby before I go. There are others on the WLSinfo forum who don't have to have a pre op diet for Dr Dillemans. Why are they allowed to eat and not me ?!! There are others who are made to go on a yoghurt only diet though for different surgeons, and that must be really punitive ! I don't really know what to do to be honest. I can't have the biggest liver in the UK so I am sure it will be ok. I just need to chill out don't I?!!
Got a few more bits and bobs for my case yesterday. The pre op section of the WLS forum has been invaluable for this. I have got loads of tips about what I might need. I got a little spray water bottle and I have some wet wipes ready, and I will need to pack some sanitary towels ( bought them yesterday too !) incase the op induces another period. I never realised that it would, but some ladies have been caught out, and I don't want that !!
Aidan's party is this weekend. I am not as stressed about this party because I have bigger things to be stressed about !! lol. The entertainer is booked, and the food is being delivered tomorrow. I need to sort out a cake, which I will attempt to do myself !! yikes ! My cakes never work, but hopefully this one will ! I have the definitive recipe for big cakes that cook in a roasting tin ! I am advised to make two, so I will give it a shot and see what happens. I have the topper to go on it, with lightening mcqueen which will please a little 5 year old man enormously ! I will keep you updated !
I am also getting a few bits and bobs in for the kids for while I am away, to put a smile on their faces. Aidan's little 'cars' watch arrived today, and I have a pink avon watch for Rachel, and I got them both sticker books. Aidan has a spider pencil sharpener, and Rachel has a furry pencil. I dare say I will add to this through the week so they have something special most days I am away. I can't bare the thought of them missing me, or being upset. I don't know what to get for Michael because he is just a baby and won't realise that any little gift is to make the week easier for him. He just loves his cuddles and he will get plenty of them I am sure, with Frances about and Alan. I hope he is ok without me. I am going to miss his little face so much.
IT'S ONLY A WEEK THOUGH !! I will cope, and so will they. I am going to start getting annoyed with myself soon !! lol Get a grip Marika.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Sunday 8th October, 2006
I went to my first support group meeting yesterday. Ellen came with me and I hope she found it as informative as I did. It was very informal, and great to get talking to the WLS forum members face to face instead of on line. I told Kathryn about the EOC and how much they are charging, and she seemed gobsmacked. All the prices she had been quoted were all UK prices at £10K plus. I really hope she calls Jaap and gets her surgery sooner.
So... 2 weeks tonight, I will be off. It really is not that far away now. I am going to miss the kids and Alan sooooo much. I can feel the pain of it already and I have not gone yet. To not see them for a week will be really upsetting, so I hope it goes fast. Al just said that he doesn't think it would be a good idea to bring the kids to Dublin when he comes to get me. It would mean they were in the car for hours, and they would be better off here with his Mum til we get home. I am thinking selfishly of course because I just kind of had this little picture in my head that they would be there waiting for me when I got to the airport, but perhaps I should rethink that little scenario. He is right, Frances can let Michael have his nap time in his bed, and she will keep the other 2 occupied while they wait on me coming home. There would be little room for the cases too if a pram had to go in the boot, and the journey home will allow us talking time without the kids around listening to every word.
My darling man Alan, I love you so much. I know you are as worried about this op as me, and I know that you are trying to cover it up so that you don't make me more nervous. I will be ok honey, and I will be back home with you and our kids before you know it. We will talk every single day on the internet or the phone, and we will then look forward to a very different life where my weight will no longer be a factor. I so want to make you proud to call me your wife. I feel mismatched beside you because you are so gorgeous, skinny and tall, with the worlds sexiest backside. And there is me, the worlds largest woman, wobbling along beside you, pretending that I am not all that bad, until I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection from a shop window, and suddenly I see just how bad I have let myself get. I know that you tell me that you love me no matter what shape and size I am, but you did not bargain for this shape and size when you met me. OK, I was not slim then, but I was not THIS either ! OK... I had our babies, which made things worse for my body, and you played your part in that too, but I am so sorry that I let my weight increase to this heafty size without making a bigger effort to stop it. I will make this surgery work, for ME, but also for YOU and the kids. I love you all so much and I don't want to become a burden on any of you. I want to live a long life and be with you all for as long as I possibly can. This operation will be the catalyst to make that happen, and I am going to give it my all.
So, while I am away sweetheart, just know that I am with you in my mind all the time. Know that I am thinking about you, loving you, and missing you so much it hurts inside. Remember how we used to part at the airport and be away from each other for a week at a time before I moved over here. We coped then and we will cope with this, because although leaving you at the airport used to rip me in two, coming home to you was the most exciting feeling ever. Searching for your face in the airport crowd, then seeing you when I had not put my lips on yours for a whole week was like magic, and then holding you was the most precious, wonderful feeling ever. I will hold out for that when I get back to Dublin my love. I was reminded each and every time I was away from you, over in England, of the fact that without you I am not whole, but back in your arms, I am safe, loved and complete again. Only you have ever made me feel this way, and I will love you for this forever.
OK.. I have tears rolling down my face here.. I think I had better go....
So... 2 weeks tonight, I will be off. It really is not that far away now. I am going to miss the kids and Alan sooooo much. I can feel the pain of it already and I have not gone yet. To not see them for a week will be really upsetting, so I hope it goes fast. Al just said that he doesn't think it would be a good idea to bring the kids to Dublin when he comes to get me. It would mean they were in the car for hours, and they would be better off here with his Mum til we get home. I am thinking selfishly of course because I just kind of had this little picture in my head that they would be there waiting for me when I got to the airport, but perhaps I should rethink that little scenario. He is right, Frances can let Michael have his nap time in his bed, and she will keep the other 2 occupied while they wait on me coming home. There would be little room for the cases too if a pram had to go in the boot, and the journey home will allow us talking time without the kids around listening to every word.
My darling man Alan, I love you so much. I know you are as worried about this op as me, and I know that you are trying to cover it up so that you don't make me more nervous. I will be ok honey, and I will be back home with you and our kids before you know it. We will talk every single day on the internet or the phone, and we will then look forward to a very different life where my weight will no longer be a factor. I so want to make you proud to call me your wife. I feel mismatched beside you because you are so gorgeous, skinny and tall, with the worlds sexiest backside. And there is me, the worlds largest woman, wobbling along beside you, pretending that I am not all that bad, until I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection from a shop window, and suddenly I see just how bad I have let myself get. I know that you tell me that you love me no matter what shape and size I am, but you did not bargain for this shape and size when you met me. OK, I was not slim then, but I was not THIS either ! OK... I had our babies, which made things worse for my body, and you played your part in that too, but I am so sorry that I let my weight increase to this heafty size without making a bigger effort to stop it. I will make this surgery work, for ME, but also for YOU and the kids. I love you all so much and I don't want to become a burden on any of you. I want to live a long life and be with you all for as long as I possibly can. This operation will be the catalyst to make that happen, and I am going to give it my all.
So, while I am away sweetheart, just know that I am with you in my mind all the time. Know that I am thinking about you, loving you, and missing you so much it hurts inside. Remember how we used to part at the airport and be away from each other for a week at a time before I moved over here. We coped then and we will cope with this, because although leaving you at the airport used to rip me in two, coming home to you was the most exciting feeling ever. Searching for your face in the airport crowd, then seeing you when I had not put my lips on yours for a whole week was like magic, and then holding you was the most precious, wonderful feeling ever. I will hold out for that when I get back to Dublin my love. I was reminded each and every time I was away from you, over in England, of the fact that without you I am not whole, but back in your arms, I am safe, loved and complete again. Only you have ever made me feel this way, and I will love you for this forever.
OK.. I have tears rolling down my face here.. I think I had better go....
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Thursday October 5th 2006
Worked last night and each time I am driving down the westlink to the hospital I think to myself, 'how many shifts do I have left to work before I go to Belgium !' Not many now I have to say. 4 as a matter of fact. I would normally do 2 nights next week but it's Aidan's party on the saturday so I will not be able to work on the Friday night as well as the Saturday night..... then I have told them I can work the following Thursday and Friday, which leaves me with saturday and sunday with Al and the kids before we go.
Anyway.... today I got an email from EOC saying that I need to start my pre op diet. It's very punitive because at a stressful time when you just want to comfort eat, they stop you !! I would have liked a little warning too, but hey, what can you do! So off I went to Superdrug and bought 2 tins of Slimfast. A vanilla one and a chocolate one. I ordered my last chinese, for me and the kids,and gobbled it down so now I am sitting here stuffed, looking at these slimfast tins staring back at me !
The email said that they expect me to aim for 1 stone weight loss per week !! If I was capable of that then I would not need surgery !! I emailed them back asking if this was a typo !! Unfortunately it was not a typo, but they did agree it was a little extreme so they have removed that expectation from me. Phew.. the pressure of that !!!! I will do the diet because I want to reduce the risks in theatre as much as possible. I don't want them to have to do an open op on me either ! I cannot promise to stick to it like glue, but surely a) any effort is better than none b) I cannot be the biggest woman Dr D has operated on and therefore I cannot have the largest liver either !! lol
So... I will weigh myself tomorrow morning ( bearing in mind that I am due my period and have water retention) and then drink my slim fast like a good girl !!
Anyway.... today I got an email from EOC saying that I need to start my pre op diet. It's very punitive because at a stressful time when you just want to comfort eat, they stop you !! I would have liked a little warning too, but hey, what can you do! So off I went to Superdrug and bought 2 tins of Slimfast. A vanilla one and a chocolate one. I ordered my last chinese, for me and the kids,and gobbled it down so now I am sitting here stuffed, looking at these slimfast tins staring back at me !
The email said that they expect me to aim for 1 stone weight loss per week !! If I was capable of that then I would not need surgery !! I emailed them back asking if this was a typo !! Unfortunately it was not a typo, but they did agree it was a little extreme so they have removed that expectation from me. Phew.. the pressure of that !!!! I will do the diet because I want to reduce the risks in theatre as much as possible. I don't want them to have to do an open op on me either ! I cannot promise to stick to it like glue, but surely a) any effort is better than none b) I cannot be the biggest woman Dr D has operated on and therefore I cannot have the largest liver either !! lol
So... I will weigh myself tomorrow morning ( bearing in mind that I am due my period and have water retention) and then drink my slim fast like a good girl !!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Wednesday 4th October 2006
In exactly 3 weeks today and it will be the day. 3 weeks is not long is it? hmmm...2 weeks 5 days til Ellen and I go. The harsh reality is only really hitting me now, how much I am going to miss the kids and Alan, the enormity of what I am having done, everything. I am sitting here on an average school day, in my kitchen, the baby up in his cot, and this is what I should be doing in 3 weeks time. Instead, Alan will be here with the baby, the kids in school, and I will be heading for the operating theatre. How bizarre is that?
I know that it will be ok, and that it will all be over before I know it. I know that I will be sore but it will be bearable, and I know that what I put in my mouth in the future will never be as much or as sweet as what I put in there now... but that is the logical part of my mind talking. What about the emotional. My kids are my life. I love them to the end of the earth and back. If anything happens to me while I am away I want them to always know that I love them and that I will always be with them no matter what. The more sensible part of me is saying I am irresponsible making this move to have gastric surgery, but then that doesn't make sense when a couple of hours in theatre could add more than just years to my life, but quality too.
I will be ok.. I will be ok... I will be ok... ( deep breaths...)
Stopped smoking today. Have not had a fag since last night, and I am doing ok. I need to stop because a) it is costing way too much b) I want to reduce the anaesthetic risks c) I don't want to have to have an x ray and pay for it over there !! Besides, I stopped before and it was stress that made me go back on them. There is no real reason for me to be smoking now, although I am stressed about this op, I am more stressed about the complications smoking may add to the process.
Ordered more memory for my pocket PC yesterday so I can watch films on it while in hospital. It will pass the time..... as will sleeping !! I am looking forward to just being able to sleep without having to keep one ear open for the kids, and not having to get up at the crack of dawn to see to their breakfast.
OK.. I am rambling now...
I know that it will be ok, and that it will all be over before I know it. I know that I will be sore but it will be bearable, and I know that what I put in my mouth in the future will never be as much or as sweet as what I put in there now... but that is the logical part of my mind talking. What about the emotional. My kids are my life. I love them to the end of the earth and back. If anything happens to me while I am away I want them to always know that I love them and that I will always be with them no matter what. The more sensible part of me is saying I am irresponsible making this move to have gastric surgery, but then that doesn't make sense when a couple of hours in theatre could add more than just years to my life, but quality too.
I will be ok.. I will be ok... I will be ok... ( deep breaths...)
Stopped smoking today. Have not had a fag since last night, and I am doing ok. I need to stop because a) it is costing way too much b) I want to reduce the anaesthetic risks c) I don't want to have to have an x ray and pay for it over there !! Besides, I stopped before and it was stress that made me go back on them. There is no real reason for me to be smoking now, although I am stressed about this op, I am more stressed about the complications smoking may add to the process.
Ordered more memory for my pocket PC yesterday so I can watch films on it while in hospital. It will pass the time..... as will sleeping !! I am looking forward to just being able to sleep without having to keep one ear open for the kids, and not having to get up at the crack of dawn to see to their breakfast.
OK.. I am rambling now...
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