Sunday 8th October, 2006

I went to my first support group meeting yesterday. Ellen came with me and I hope she found it as informative as I did. It was very informal, and great to get talking to the WLS forum members face to face instead of on line. I told Kathryn about the EOC and how much they are charging, and she seemed gobsmacked. All the prices she had been quoted were all UK prices at £10K plus. I really hope she calls Jaap and gets her surgery sooner.

So... 2 weeks tonight, I will be off. It really is not that far away now. I am going to miss the kids and Alan sooooo much. I can feel the pain of it already and I have not gone yet. To not see them for a week will be really upsetting, so I hope it goes fast. Al just said that he doesn't think it would be a good idea to bring the kids to Dublin when he comes to get me. It would mean they were in the car for hours, and they would be better off here with his Mum til we get home. I am thinking selfishly of course because I just kind of had this little picture in my head that they would be there waiting for me when I got to the airport, but perhaps I should rethink that little scenario. He is right, Frances can let Michael have his nap time in his bed, and she will keep the other 2 occupied while they wait on me coming home. There would be little room for the cases too if a pram had to go in the boot, and the journey home will allow us talking time without the kids around listening to every word.

My darling man Alan, I love you so much. I know you are as worried about this op as me, and I know that you are trying to cover it up so that you don't make me more nervous. I will be ok honey, and I will be back home with you and our kids before you know it. We will talk every single day on the internet or the phone, and we will then look forward to a very different life where my weight will no longer be a factor. I so want to make you proud to call me your wife. I feel mismatched beside you because you are so gorgeous, skinny and tall, with the worlds sexiest backside. And there is me, the worlds largest woman, wobbling along beside you, pretending that I am not all that bad, until I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection from a shop window, and suddenly I see just how bad I have let myself get. I know that you tell me that you love me no matter what shape and size I am, but you did not bargain for this shape and size when you met me. OK, I was not slim then, but I was not THIS either ! OK... I had our babies, which made things worse for my body, and you played your part in that too, but I am so sorry that I let my weight increase to this heafty size without making a bigger effort to stop it. I will make this surgery work, for ME, but also for YOU and the kids. I love you all so much and I don't want to become a burden on any of you. I want to live a long life and be with you all for as long as I possibly can. This operation will be the catalyst to make that happen, and I am going to give it my all.

So, while I am away sweetheart, just know that I am with you in my mind all the time. Know that I am thinking about you, loving you, and missing you so much it hurts inside. Remember how we used to part at the airport and be away from each other for a week at a time before I moved over here. We coped then and we will cope with this, because although leaving you at the airport used to rip me in two, coming home to you was the most exciting feeling ever. Searching for your face in the airport crowd, then seeing you when I had not put my lips on yours for a whole week was like magic, and then holding you was the most precious, wonderful feeling ever. I will hold out for that when I get back to Dublin my love. I was reminded each and every time I was away from you, over in England, of the fact that without you I am not whole, but back in your arms, I am safe, loved and complete again. Only you have ever made me feel this way, and I will love you for this forever.

OK.. I have tears rolling down my face here.. I think I had better go....