Thursday 12th October 2006

I am feeling really apprehensive today. I know that from tomorrow, I am down to the last few days. Today was 10 days plus a few hours before I go, tomorrow it will be down to single figures. It has just rushed at me today. I can't express myself to Alan to make him understand that I am so scared, not just of the journey away from him and the kids, but this operation. All the daft what if's coming at me.. what if I don't survive the op? What if it goes wrong ? What if I am in a lot of pain afterwards and it is not controlled. I am scared. It's a whole new start, a whole new life for me waiting right there but right here right now, it is like telling me to go and take a running leap off a tall building while everyone else waves at me from the building opposite. There is 'knowing' you are going to make it, and actually building up the courage to jump in the first place.

I am not following the pre op diet at all. I just can't face it. I will deal with the diet thing post op when I have no choice, but for now I need to get my head around the stresses of working up the the op. My case is half packed. I have the ironing to do, and I will probably throw some of this load into my case once it is ironed. I wonder how long post op they will fit me for. I like some of the things I wear, but replacing them with sassy sexy nicely fitting clothes will be a dream come true too. I will never have to hold on to these clothes 'just in case' i put weight back on because it's never going to happen !! I need to keep thinking this way. I really need to get my head straight again. I was so positive before, but somewhere along the line I have lost my positivity.