Wednesday 4th October 2006

In exactly 3 weeks today and it will be the day. 3 weeks is not long is it? hmmm...2 weeks 5 days til Ellen and I go. The harsh reality is only really hitting me now, how much I am going to miss the kids and Alan, the enormity of what I am having done, everything. I am sitting here on an average school day, in my kitchen, the baby up in his cot, and this is what I should be doing in 3 weeks time. Instead, Alan will be here with the baby, the kids in school, and I will be heading for the operating theatre. How bizarre is that?
I know that it will be ok, and that it will all be over before I know it. I know that I will be sore but it will be bearable, and I know that what I put in my mouth in the future will never be as much or as sweet as what I put in there now... but that is the logical part of my mind talking. What about the emotional. My kids are my life. I love them to the end of the earth and back. If anything happens to me while I am away I want them to always know that I love them and that I will always be with them no matter what. The more sensible part of me is saying I am irresponsible making this move to have gastric surgery, but then that doesn't make sense when a couple of hours in theatre could add more than just years to my life, but quality too.
I will be ok.. I will be ok... I will be ok... ( deep breaths...)
Stopped smoking today. Have not had a fag since last night, and I am doing ok. I need to stop because a) it is costing way too much b) I want to reduce the anaesthetic risks c) I don't want to have to have an x ray and pay for it over there !! Besides, I stopped before and it was stress that made me go back on them. There is no real reason for me to be smoking now, although I am stressed about this op, I am more stressed about the complications smoking may add to the process.
Ordered more memory for my pocket PC yesterday so I can watch films on it while in hospital. It will pass the time..... as will sleeping !! I am looking forward to just being able to sleep without having to keep one ear open for the kids, and not having to get up at the crack of dawn to see to their breakfast.
OK.. I am rambling now...