My weight loss journey

Friday 15th January 2010

2010-01-15T11:56:00.002Z

So I am back with an update. We have celebrated a whole year in this lovely house and we are well settled here. The kids are happy in school - Michael started in the reception year in september and has taken to it like a duck to water, and I have my days to myself to do as I please !
Weight wise, since the zoladex and HRT finished I have been in a lot of pain, but my weight has dropped down to 10st 2 again which is nice ! It is bizarre though that a few lbs of weight can make the difference between a size 10, 12 and 14 ! I am able to get into my 10's but only just, and am more comfy in 12's, but 14's are too big by a mile now. I notic the difference now more than I ever did when I was big. I guess I was used to wearing huge clothes back then so everything was big and baggy. Alan hates me in baggy things now so things are more fitted and shapely so I guess this is why I notice the difference between the dress sizes more - there is less room for movement, expansion or bloating ! lol
We have been honoured to be asked to be godparents to our friends child, and the occasion of his christening is coming up in February. I have addressed the clothing dillema this morning though which I am quite pleased about, having got a gorgeous charcoal grey / black skirt suit which is beautifully fitted and feels gorgeous. I intend to wear a brightly coloured jumper or blouse under the jacket to lighten the colour mix, and perhaps a chiffon scarf, although this doesn't lend itself to handling small babies because they like to pull at such things ! I have a pale pink polo neck jumper on today and it actually looks lovely with the suit because I tried it on in the changing room in the shop while I was wearing this jumper. Maybe I will wear this.... don't know yet. We'll see what Alan says. He is the clothes guru when it comes to dressing me the way he thinks I look best. He generally gets it spot on too.
Talking of Alan's clothes taste, he got me a totally gorgeous soft leather jacket for christmas, and a skimpy cream colour off the shoulder jumper. I have a hubby with the best taste ! His Mum bought me a pair of brown leather ankle boots too which are great with my other jackets, and makes me look great ! It's hard for me to see that I look good, because even after all this time I still see me as a huge person. I still worry about my size and shape, and get embarrased about the idea of being weighed infront of anyone. I had to have a pre op assessment for a gynae operation I am due to have (when they bother to call for me) and even then I was not one bit keen to stand on her scales. I haven't got anything to worry about, but old habits die hard. Likewise when I was at work recently the girls and I were talking about weight issues and how it makes you feel underconfident and devalued, and they made a pact to try and lose some weight together. They started by getting the weighing scales and weighing each other. If I had been asked to get onto the scales I would have wanted to curl up in a tiny ball and cry ! It was such an inground shame that I carried for the majority of my life that even now it is still making me feel this way. However I know that I am healthier now than I ever have been. I feel good, and clothes fit me generally without any squeezing ! I still want to get my legs done - they are awful, but until I get this gynae op I can't plan anything.
So that is the update.... not a lot has happened really ! lol

Monday 17th August 2009

2009-08-17T08:48:00.002+01:00

Believe it or not, I wrote a massive update to this blog - doing all the usual apologies and excuses for my absence, and the darn internet went off on me and I lost the lot. Ho hum... I will try again !
So, it's been nearly a year since we moved from Northern Ireland to here in Cambridgeshire and it's been an eventful year to say the least ! We moved 3 days before Christmas to our lovely new home which we bought in the nick of time ! It is truly a home now and we are very happy here, and so are the kids. We had to move the kids schools again which was not a decision taken lightly given their upheaval from NI in the first place, however events outside our control in the primary school we had them in meant that moving them was the best bet, and it has turned out to be the right thing for them all. Michael started nursery school there too at the same time, and he is starting in the 'big school' with his brother and sister this september. Rachel has one more year in this school and we have to make the decision again as to where to send her next year for her secondary schooling. Aidan has settled well and has had his educational problems and social difficulties diagnosed as autism now which is something we suspected all along, but it's good to finally have it properly diagnosed and a plan in place for him. I am working just one night a week in a local hospital, and Alan has got a porters job there which he is really enjoying. I quit the weight loss surgery danish company at christmas due to the employers inability to see that the English market is very different to his usual scandinavian clients, and also the fact that he refused to pay me ! I was putting in a 40+ hour week for zip, and that is just an insult that he did not think I was worthy of a wage.
All this aside.... weight loss wise things are just so so. I have endometriosis and progressively things have got pretty bad with it. My gynaecologist tried me on provera three times a day initially but with my tiny stomach pouch, I got the most hideous heartburn which then turned to vomitting, and despite increasing my zantac to 2 and 3 times a day to try and compensate, I knew that I was going to do myself a mischief if I continued with it. I had a bit of a battle to get seen by the consultant again but finally did, and she recommended I had a 6 month course of HRT and Zoladex implants - which works on the pituitary gland in the brain to stop hormone production and induce a menopause. I started the HRT a week before the implant, and my weight increased by 1 stone. Yep- a stone in a week !! I was gutted because my weight had been so stable and I was happy at the weight I was, and then suddenly my lovely size 10 jeans were too tight to wear. I had the zoladex and another 7lbs went on. I have stabilised at 11stone ish now, but this is technically 'overweight' again. I have consoled myself that it was only for 6 months and that this treatment might help take away the pain, but alas I am now at the end of the 6 months course and I have not had a single month's break from the bleeding, and I struggle to keep the weight from ballooning. I had to give in and get size 14 trousers. Alan was right though when he said that a couple of years ago I would have thought all my dreams had come true if I could have fitted into a pair of size 14 anythings ! It's just that at the moment, I don't want to be a size 14 when I have been in a size 10 !
Anyway.... the other thing that has happened this year is I had to have a small umbilical hernia fixed. It was more than likely caused from my tummy tuck and my subsequent rush back to work (because no work = no money) and not giving myself enough time to repair. It popped out when we were moving house from NI and got progressively worse to the point where pushing the trolly around tesco's was painful ! So I have another bit of patchwork on my tum where they have cut and meshed it so it can't pop out again.
Plans for the future ? Well at present I just need to get my health back on track. I just had a horrid week with swine flu, and then subsequently I got a chest infection courtesy of the tamiflu drug. The swine flu was the roughest I have felt in a long time and totally knocked me for six. To add to this, I am anaemic and am now on iron tablets to try and correct this. My Vit B12 was down a bit but Alan stuck a needle in my bum to correct this, and now I just need to get this endometriosis sorted out and my weight back down to where I want it to be, and then I can perhaps think about where to go from here.
I have a very full life with the 3 kids, the house and keeping things ticking by here with family life so I am in no hurry to do too much more. I will play it by ear. I am still here to support and assist anyone who is needing my help with weight loss surgery. It's still a passion of mine, and will always be. I still surprise myself with my reflection even now, and seeing a slim 'me' looking back is wonderful - something I never thought I would have. If I can inspire and help others to feel the same then I am only too happy to do so.
Right... that's the update... I will try not to leave it so long next time !

Friday 19th September 2008

2008-09-19T10:42:00.002+01:00

Ok, so please don't shout at me for not writing this sooner. So much has happened in the last couple of months and I really have not had a chance to scratch an itch let alone sit here and type my memoirs ! So here I am now...
We have now finally moved house ! Hooray we all collectively shout ! We still own our house in Northern Ireland and we are hoping to complete soon but with this darn credit crunch everything is on a go slow for our buyer getting his small mortgage. It will happen soon but not soon enough for us !! Anyway, we are here in Cambridgeshire now and settling in to our new lives here, new schools, new jobs. I have been working at a local Nursing home for a couple of nights a week and Alan has been driving for a local recruitment agency doing all sorts of odd hours. The kids are going to a school which is within walking distance and so I am delighted that I get to walk them to and from school each day - It's funny really, I used to do a lot of walking when I had take the kids to school in NI. I used to take Michael in his pram around the town and I have missed that. I know it's not a million miles to this school but it's really nice to get out walking again. When I am having a 'fat day' - (days where I know I have eaten things that I should not have eaten and my muffin belly top is feeling a little bloated) I walk a little harder and a little faster and have a little work out there and back. I guess because I am walking both ways twice a day it comes to just over a mile a day. Ok, it's not far but every little helps !
The twiggy show was fun. The camera crew came over to the house in NI and filmed me talking through my clothes in my wardrobe. I tried not to be nervous about it, and talk to the person behind the camera rather than this big shiney lens in my face ! I talked through my clothes and it was interesting for me to analyse perhaps why I had bought a particular item of clothing - my catsuit for instance - I have yet to wear it but I love the fact that I have it in my wardrobe waiting for the right moment ! It's an item of clothing that I could never ever have worn before my weight loss, or even my plastics so it's a celebration of my weight loss journey to have something so skimpy and lovely in there ! Then there were jumpers which probably swamp me but I love them because they are like a security blanket to me. I held up my huge old jeans size 30-32... ugh..... and they laughed at the size of them. I said laughing aside though that I would never wish to part with these jeans because I never want to forget what it felt like to be that size. It was not that long ago that I was wearing those jeans without the need for a belt, and they were tight. If I forget what it was like to be that size then I can't do my job right. I want to be able to empathise with people about their size and show them that I totally understand what it's like to feel like an outcast, judged for their size not the human being they are, humiliated in the street when a nasty comment is shouted at you.... i remember it all because I was that person on the receiving end of it. If I got rid of those jeans though I might forget and that would be a bad thing. They are a symbol. I did allow them to take one pair of my jeans though and believe it or not they turned them into a little miniskirt for some skinny girl on the show !
Kelly and I travelled over to London for the filming and it was an interesting day to say the least. We stayed in a local travel lodge type hotel just along the Kings Road in Hammersmith. There were 5 other ladies being filmed like me for the show and with our mates with us we all met up at the studio at about 9ish. I was taken to the wardrobe room and blindfolded so they could try my outfit on me without letting me see what I was wearing ! I was not expecting a dress at all. I was also put in massive high heels too and I am amazed I did not break my neck ! They took me into the studio before the others too and interviewed me about my weight loss and about my clothes. They held up the size 30-32 jeans before taking them off to be made into the miniskirt ! They allowed me to have my leather jacket back though. I had put this much loved jacket in for swapping because it really was too big on me. I loved it though because it was so different to other jackets. They surprised me by saying that it was not going to be swapped, it was going to be tailored to fit me again. So there I was in this surreal world with bright lights and gorgous clothes around me, minor celebrities talking to me, and about 5 cameras pointing at me, and I was thinking... OMG is this really happening? Me? No, it can't be. Very very wierd feeling.
They took me off to hair and makeup later on and they did an incredible job on me. I loved every moment and asked them if they would like to move in with me !I could happily have them both do my hair and makeup on a daily basis and make me look like they did that day. I was taken off to wardrobe again and this is where I was allowed to see the dress. OK, I would not have picked it myself to be honest. Alan was not impressed either, because I have this fantastic chest now and it was not on display ! That aside though, with the makeup and the hair, and the attention I was getting, I felt like a zillion dollars and I loved it. I had to be interviewed again by Lauren Levern and she was full of complements for the new look. I then had to do the 'reveal' where each of us had to walk out from behind these screens and go and waggle our tooshies infront of the camera. It was again most bizarre, but I honestly didn't care by then. I really had enjoyed the day and I felt good and that was all that mattered. I welled up when they let me see myself in the mirror. I could not have pictured myself looking like that 2 years ago, and now here I was standing there about to go on TV like this model. It was a very moving moment for me. I managed to grab a few items of clothing too which were part of my swap so I was happy with that too. I did pass Twiggy in the corridor but she never spoke to me, but was I gutted.. you have got to be kidding ! She's not all that ! I was interviewed for the radio times too, and photographed.... I dread to think how that will turn out. Wish they had taken my photo after the makeover !!
The magazine article came out too and I was not that impressed with it to be honest. It portrayed my parents in a bad light as far as I could tell, and the title on the front that said I had surgery to stop me looking like my mother made me so annoyed. I never said that, and never would. Gladly they both knew that this was the magazines artistic licence but all the same, it was not something I wished to brag about being in.
So now we are here in Cambridgeshire I have started working for a company called International Healthcare who are a Danish company who are sending patients to Bruno. I am flying over to Belgium next saturday to meet with him for the day. That is going to be a busy day. I hate driving any distance at the best of times, but driving during the night is going to be rough. I am determined to do it though, the plane cost too much for me to miss it ! I have to go to Gatwick because the Eurostar is not taking bookings at the moment after their fire in the tunnel last week. What a pain ! I shall wear a nice suit though and do my best to impress ! I really want this job to work for us so we can buy this house based on the salary I shall be bringing in.
So that is us pretty much up to date. Working hard, not sleeping very much.... but I do feel we are in the right place and that exciting times are ahead of us.

Thursday 17th July, 2008

2008-07-17T15:15:00.002+01:00

I got a call from That's life magazine yesterday and they read my story back to me so that I could approve of what they were printing about me ! They had the usual stereotypical 'plates piled high with food and stodge' as being the reason for my weight gain but I set that bit straight because really it wasn't like that at all. They've used a bit of artistic license too with the details but nothing that bends the truth out of all measure, it just makes it more readable. They told me that the feature comes out on August 7th but the date on the front is August 14th. I hope I don't look like an idiot in it !!

The BBC are coming here next Thursday to do their background filming so I have been thinking.... omg, what will I look like with my big tired panda eyes ! I have decided that monday will be my last night before they come so I don't have those big black bags under my eyes, but now I am also worrying about what I should wear too ! I can straighten my hair, that's not a problem, but what should I wear to make myself look presentable. I don't want to have to 'suck it in' all day but at the same time I don't want to look like I wobble when I walk either ! Once I get past next thursday I have the 14th August to look towards too, and what I will wear and look like on that day in London ! Oh help !!! Why oh why did I put myself forward for this ?! I so don't want to look like a jerk !

Anyway. I am keeping this post short and sweet today. Nothing special to report really. Working crazy number of nights and feeling like a zombie. Have a headache today which won't shift too, and didn't sleep much today so I expect I'm going to be shattered tonight at work. Ho hum.

Sunday 13th July, 2008

2008-07-13T17:43:00.002+01:00

I have been on a set of 4 nights so I have not had a chance to get to this blog for a few days. I wanted to post about the photographer that came round on thursday though, for That's Life Magazine !
I had all the usual panic about what I was going to wear, and a late night hair dying session to get rid of my roots, the night before he came, and Al was brilliant as ever, advising me what I should and should not wear.
He arrived about 11am, and was here for about an hour and a half. Al did not want to be in the pics at all which is fair enough, but they wanted pics of the kids and me together and they had a ball ! He had me sitting with the 3 of them on the sofa, and then some pics of me alone in the dining room, and then Michael came in to me and wanted to be picked up. The photographer nodded and was clicking away all the while I was cuddling Michael and giving him kisses ! It was so lovely !! He took pics of us out in the garden and then I mentioned that I had a pair of my old jeans which I'd put Aidan into with me at Christmas time and walked him round the house. He said ' ooh that's great, can you go and get them ?' lol ! So we did the skinny girl in big jeans photo and then Aidan in them with me, and then Rachel in one leg and Aidan in the other. At first it was funny and then it got me thinking that it was not actually that funny that I used to be able to wear these trousers without a belt even and that they were tight on me. These jeans were being held up for all to see what a grotesque monster I must have been pre op, and that I must have been so huge that it's impossible to believe such a woman existed. Ok, I am sure I am exagerating there, but you know what I mean. I WAS that person though, and I was ashamed of being that size and I AM glad I am not that size anymore, but I still have feelings and I still remember what it was like to fit those trousers.
I kicked myself up the bum though and decided that if even just one person reads my story and seeks help for themselves then it is worth the ridicule for these photos.

Tuesday 8th July, 2008

2008-07-08T17:47:00.004+01:00

I have been hard at work these last couple of weeks but here's my latest. I have managed to regain about 7lbs bringing me back to 9st 10 which still means I have lost 11 stone in total but I am maintaining here now and I am very happy at that. Although watching the scales go up again was scary and disturbing for me, I knew that I needed to regain some weight too so it was a case of grin and bear it. I have been munching away on anything and everything around me. I have found that since returning from Brugge I have been more tolerant to milk and bread which means I have been able to eat cereal and toast again. I have been eating my body weight in toast when I am at work because generally I don't know what cooking facilities there are on all the different wards I work on, but I know there is always toast available ! I have found that I have to eat every couple of hours though or I have a hypo - a drop in blood sugars - which causes me to shake and then sweat and if I don't correct it then I am in trouble ! I am thinking that I need to revise my medi alert bracelet because at the moment it reads 'No NG and No Sugar' on it but infact it's more complicated than that. I have not dumped in over a year or so, and I generally won't eat anything that will make me dump so if I do end up unconscious then I need to be treated as a diabetic having a hypo. So what should I have put on my medi alert bracelet ? I will have to get a new bracelet made up anyway because we are hoping to be on the move soon and the 'in case of emergency' telephone number for my husband will have to change to our new one. I will have to give it some thought.
Some exciting things have been happening today !! A few weeks ago I applied to the BBC for a new programme they are filming called Fashion Divas. I can't really say too much about it at the moment because I don't know much about it myself, but they called me 2 weeks ago and asked me to recommend a friend to bring with me if we got picked for the show. I recommended my mate Kelly who is also a Dillebabe and Dedonckerite ! I called her and she was up for it too, so she applied and sent photos, and they were on the phone with me asking me about my weight loss etc for over half an hour. Today they phoned me again and asked if they could come over to do some background filming !! Of course I said yes !!! The other exciting thing that happened today was That's life! magazine were on the phone wanting to run a story on my parents and me, and our bypasses. They have asked for photos of my parents and are calling me next week to do a 45 minute interview. When she phoned today to interview me, I directed her to my website http://www.wlshelp.co.uk/ and she went off and had a look at it. When she came back to me this afternoon my single page spread had become a double page feature article !! How cool is that !?
I called my parents straight away and they consented to it, and sent photos of themselves pre op and now. I have not seen them in such a long time so seeing these photos was superb for me too. They are looking incredible !! What a difference a year has made. The before and after photos are so amazing, and they both look so well. I am so proud of their achievements and am deeply indebted to Bruno Dillemans for giving them this wonderful surgery. Their health has improved a hundred fold and Mum says she has not been her current weight in 16 years ! Well done to both of you, Mum and Dad. I am sooooo pleased you bit the bullet and had this operation done. I know it must have been scary for you, but it has given you both a new lease of life that you could never have imagined before. Thank you for trusting me to find you the best surgeon and the best operation for you both. Your faith in me means a lot.
Since my return to Brugge I have gone from strength to strength. I am feeling so good now and cannot believe I put up with so much pain for such a long time. My lap scars are all pretty well healed up and I am moving about as if nothing had happened ! Wonderful !
Thanks again for reading my blog. I know I have a few faithful readers out there who have followed my story from the start and I wanted to thank you for your interest and continued support.

Thursday 19th June, 2008

2008-06-19T14:49:00.002+01:00

Since my last post, so much has happened. I have lots to tell you so go and make a cup of coffee, have a pee, watch Eastenders, all the things you need to do before sitting here and spending the next hour or so with me !!
Eastenders last night was a blinder so I really would not want you to miss it if you are planning on watching a replay....
Ok, so since my last post I have been in serious pain with my tummy. I was discharged on the self diagnosis that as they could not find anything wrong with me, I had IBS. I was on Buscopan for this, and yes, for the first couple of weeks it helped. The deep inside pain never left me though, it went right through to my back and was there all the time. At times it was intolerable, and I would not know where to put myself, and at other times, I was so dosed up on pain killers that although it was sore, I really didn't care too much. Either way, I could not work. I had to wear baggy size 12 trousers, generally with the button undone when I was sitting, ( bagy size 12's - get me eh !? A year or so ago I would have been cursing myself for thinking size 12 was baggy at all - more like a dream size to be, but I am now an 8-10 and 12's really are loose on me to the point where Al has physcially pulled my trousers downwards and they have come off without undoing the buttons, much to the kids hilarity !I digress..... ) because my tummy was so swollen and sore that anything tighter was too painful.
I went back to the GP (- incidentally my wonderful Dr Carlisle passed away at her own hand. She took an overdose and to this day I am still shocked and in a state of disbelief about her passing.) and saw the locum. I told her that the Buscopan was not helping me enough, and she put me on Spasmonal. By this stage I was carrying around a small plastic bag of tablets wherever I went. The contents - Tramodol, Co-codamol 30/500, Spasmonal, Colpermin, Buscopan, Ranitadine and Multivitamins. If you had shaken me I would have sounded like a maracca. I tried the Spasmonal and yet the pain never really left me. I was taking Buscopan and Spasmonal every 4 hours, alternately so I always had something working on the smooth muscle of my bowel. Looking back, it was ridiculous and no way to live going from one tablet to the next and clock watching to see when I could take something else.
I put up with it for 5 weeks, and then when I was due to go back to work my tummy bloated out to the point where I could not even do my trousers up. I had to call in sick which really annoyed me, but what could I do. I spent the night rocking back and forth holding a heat pad to my back and crying in pain, dosed to the eyeballs with medication. I called the doctors the nex day and got an appointment to see him that afternoon. When he saw me he did a thorough investigation and was very good. He said that he did not think that this was IBS because it should have started to calm down by then. It most certainly hadn't and in fact I was getting worse by the day. He said that he was going to refer me to the Royal Hospital to get some specialist advice, and also send me for an ultrasound scan. He asked me if I had spoken to my consultant in Belgium about this pain because he would certainly know more about this pain than he did, if it was RNY related. I said I would contact him but as everyone had reassured me thus far that it was nothing to do with the RNY I hadn't done so already.
That was the thursday afternoon. On Friday morning I sat down at my laptop and wrote a short email to Marc Van De Ryse ( Bruno Dillemans assistant) and asked him to forward my email to Bruno as a matter of urgency. I explained what had been happening and the pain I was in, and what happened next I did not expect at all.
I came back to the computer later on that afternoon and was greeted by a reply to my email now marked URGENT. Yikes !! Marc had sent Bruno my email and he had replied immediately saying that he thought it was a sign of a partial and temporary sub-obstruction of the small bowel due to adhesions of the RNY or twisting of the small bowel around it's axis. He insisted that I needed a diagnostic laparoscopy which he recommended he did because he knew the surgery well and this surgery takes experience. He insisted that I call him and hehad provided several telephone numbers to call him on straight away.
The hairs on my neck were standing on end by now because I really knew now that this was not IBS no matter how much I had convinced myself, and that I needed surgery. Of course I called Bruno as quickly as I could and although he was in theatre he took my call and told me to get over to Brugge asap.
I told Alan as soon as he was home from work, and then we started scratching our heads as to how we could make this happen. Bruno wanted to see me over in Brugge on the following Tuesday for a consultation where he would decide what to do with me. Frances (my mother in law) would come with me and we would fly out on Monday afternoon. Marc was superb and had the Acacia Hotel booked for me straight away, and before I knew it, I was good to go. I went to work that night with a sinking feeling of inpending surgery. At the same time, I knew that Bruno was the best person for the job and was also looking forward to seeing him again.
I was sore at work and the staff could see I was in pain, but I guess when I was dosed up I was more able to hide the pain.
The weekend passed too quickly and before I knew it I was kissing my 3 beautiful kids goodbye and heading off to the airport. It was tough on them seeing me leaving yet again. It affected Rachel the most because it had all happened so fast and she didn't have time to come to terms with me leaving. The teacher was superb with her though, and moved other kids so she could sit next to her best mate Jennifer and be comforted. It breaks my heart that she was so upset, but I really had no choice.
Monday 2nd June, 2008
Al dropped me and his Mum off at the bus station in Belfast and we took the Dublin airport bus from there. It meant that Al didn't have to get the kids out of school early to take us all the way, and it saved on fuel too. Kissing him goodbye was hard going. When I was going away before I knew roughly what was going to happen, but this time I really was stepping into the unknown. I was scared - I guess he was too. I sat at the bus station and had a little cry in the toilets so Frances didn't see me being weak, and then I got on that bus and decided to make the best of this trip so I could come back fit and healthy for my family.
We got to Dublin airport at 1.15pm and made our way to check in. They were already open so it was good to get rid of the case nice and early. We went up to the restaurant and had a bite to eat because we didn't know when we would be eating again ! The plane was delayed 1/2 hour but once we got going it was a smooth enough journey.
We arrived at Charleroi airport and took the bus to Brussels Midi train station, where we found our way (eventually) to the ticket office and purchased tickets to Brugge. Our feet were swelling and sore from the journey - I was deeply regretting not wearing my trainers, because my toes had lost skin on the toes with these shoes rubbing ! They matched my jacket though and that was reason enough to wear them that morning with little thought for the journey ahead !! The train journey was smooth enough too, and then a short taxi ride to the Acacia I was almost transported back in time !! The place has not changed much and it felt very familiar. The whole town during the week there felt strangely homely to me. I had not been there for more than a week and half of that was in hospital first time I was there, but Ellen and I had walked round the town so many times I knew it like the back of my hand, and still did !!! Brugge is such a gorgeous place. I would love to go there and yet not need surgery, one day !!
We got to the hotel about 10.30pm checked in and then went to bed. We were pooped, and my tummy was seriously sore after trauma of the journey - luggage handling and more movement than I had done in weeks.
Tuesday 3rd June, 2008
Hada restless night- partly due to being nervous about what lay ahead, and patly due to Frances snoring !! I was comforted that she was there with me though, and grateful she had dropped everything at a moments notice to come with me. I was up at 7.15am and showered. The showers over there are fierce and totally awesome !! I got dressed - Al had helped me pick my wardrobe for the week advising me what went with what, and what made me look slimmest ! We had chosen a white figure hugging top for tuesday but with the journey the day before my tummy was not one bit flat ! I was more like a wee pot bellied pig, and so I decided to change into my pink top and white jeans, pink flat shoes and black jacket. I looked goooood ! I dosed up on all the meds I had with me, and then we went for breakfast. I bloated up even more afer breakfast. I dared to sip a little champagne but didn't finish it. I just wanted to say I had tried it since I didn't get any first time I was here ! I could not do my jeans up after breakfast but sucked it in before going and getting in the taxi to the hospital. It was not a bad thing though - Bruno would see me when I was like that and have a better idea of what was going on.
I was looking forward to a wander round the shops later on - surmising that Bruno would operate on me on wednesday. Little did I know !
It was funny being there with Frances - just her and me. Funny in a nice way. I felt so close to her and it was very comforting to have her there with me. Getting in the taxi though, my pulse was racing and I was missing Al and the kids so much.
So we got to the hospital and it all came flooding back to me, where to go, what to do. We went up to the 5th floor and I checked to see if Bruno or Marc were there yet. Neither were. We sat down and there beside us was a couple of english girls, one of whom was post op ! She was my Dillebabe from the WLSinfo forum called Pink Princess, Lu - and was there to get seen by Bruno and given the all clear to go and get on the Eurostar. She asked if I was Marika, and we had a great conversation. She was looking well a although had a rough time by the sounds of it, was most definitely on the mend. I then saw Marc arrive and I went over to tell him we had arrived. He was gobsmacked at the change in me, and it confirmed what I had jokingly told him in an email that weekend, that I would come and find him because he would walk straight past me now ! He took us into the consultation room and we chatted over a cup of coffee. I was having a little sugar withdrawal at the time and felt a bit odd but I think it was also my nerves. Bruno arrived and was also very impressed with his handiwork !! He then sat down with us and talked about my symptoms. He was very concerned that this had been mistreated in the UK as he could clearly see what pain I was in. He said he was going to operate on me the following day and then took another look at me ad changed his mind. He didn't want to leave me a moment longer, and wanted to operate straight away. I had just taken a cup of coffee but that didn't bother them because I have no stomach to retain it in anyway. They sent me up to the 6th floor for blood tests, and then I was sent down to the reception to book in, and then up to the 10th floor to my ward. Talk about deja vue !! Marc had offered to help Frances with anything she needed, so I asked him to take her back to the hotel to get my things, and then bring her back again. When she knew where the ward was, she went off with Marc, while I stayed and waited on the nurses finding me a bed. I was expecting to go at 5pm for my surgery, and had told Alan that this was the plan but when the charge nurse came and found me, he told me to get changed straight away because they were taking me down to theatre right away. He asked me why I was back again and I told him that Bruno thought I had a small bowel obstruction. He looked me up and down and said that I didn't look like I did- to which I replied, 'You should have seen me 5 weeks ago!'. I guess when you are in pain for a long while you learn to live with it. I was not even given time to call Alan, I was whisked off to theatre with beautiful make up, and that was that !
I came to in recovery with the usual post op pain, but decided to keep quiet and they would take me back to the ward asap. I so wanted to call Alan and speak to him. I had a horrible - and I realy mean this - HORRIBLE - sump tube ( it's a thick naso gastric tube) down through my nose to my lower bowel. It was painful because it was pushing on my throat and my nose and then making me feel sick too. Ugh. As soon as I was back on the ward I begged them to remove it, and thankfully the doctor agreed. I have never been so pleased to see the back of anything ! I had done a quick body check in recovery too - I didn't know what I was going to find, so it was a little unnerving. I felt a stoma bag on my left side which raised alarm bells, but when I took a look it was a drain not a colostomy, so I sighed a big sigh of relief. I was delighted to see Frances waiting on me, and I think she was too !
Bruno came round shortly after and told me that I had a lot of adhesions from the tummy button and the RNY causing the small bowel to twist like a string of sausages. He said it had taken him 40 mins to untwist the bowel alone, and release the adhesions. He said he also found 2 hernias which he repaired one on my left side and one at my belly button. He repaired some holes in my muscle too where further hernias could have formed. He said that he did not operate a moment too soon. He said that it would only have been a matter of time before I had obstructed totally, and then it would have been a long laparotomy cut to fix me. Hearing this news made me extremely grateful that I emailed when I did. He knew as soon as he saw my symptoms in the email how poorly I was, and that is testiment to the skill of the guy. He really is the best.
He told me that the drain could come out the next day and I could go home at lunch time. I already felt so much better at that time - the deep deep pain that had been there for 5 weeks had now gone. The superficial wound pain would go soon, but that deep pain was gone instantly.
Seeing I was well and back from theatre, Frances headed back to the hotel. I was concerned for her because I did not get a chance to show her where the local restaurants were. I just had to keep my fingers crossed that she would be ok.
There was a lady admitted into the bed opposite me. Her name was Hannelore, and she came over to me later on that afternoon / evening and we chatted. She was concerned for me and was so kind, asking if there was anything I needed. We got talking and when she heard me say I had had a gastric bypass, her jaw dropped and she said she was going for this the next day. She told me how scared she was and how she wanted to just run out of the door and away. She had come close to cancelling the operation altogether. I talked her through what it was like to live with the RNY and I showed her my video. She was really touched, and told me that she felt so much better having spoken to me about the operation. She even called her mother and told her ! She went to theatre the next day with a smile on her face and I am chuffed for her because I think I helped put that smile there by showing her what she could achieve with this surgery.
My drain needed it's 3rd empty at 10pm. This time it was filled with clots and she had to change the whole stoma bag because it could not drain. I could see a change in the output as it started to get brighter red in colour. Again at midnight, it was full and needing changing again. I drifted off to sleep but again at 2am or thereabouts I started to feel very unwell. I was dizzy and sweating. I could feel a pressure in my side which was really sore and I buzzed for the nurse to come quickly. The drainage bag was bulging and it was filled with blood. I had the light on when the nurse came in, and she took one look at the drain and then at me, and then all hell broke loose. The other 3 ladies in the room must have been a bit peeved because they got a rude awakening when the other nurses and a doctor came running in and switched all the lights on. I must have been white as a sheet because they were working on me very quickly. My blood pressure was in my boots, and they put the bed down flat and tilted the end up. The doctor ordered volplex to be infused to bring my blood pressure back up, and then he stuck a needle in my pulse point to get an arterial blood gas. He asked me if I knew my blood group and I was able to tell him that I was O- and show them where to find my blood group card. The nurse took it and returned it a few minutes later. Then I felt really dizzy and must have passed out. When I came to, they were shaking my shoulder and holding my hand asking me if I could hear them. I was so scared, and I told them so. I felt really rough. I started getting chest pains too which was like a crushing sensation on my chest and I knew that my heart's blood supply must have been compromised. Sometimes it is good to know nursing stuff, and times like that, it really isn't ! They told me that I would be moved to intensive care and then for a few minutes they left me alone. I grabbed my mobile and called Al. I knew that it was something like 2.45am but I needed to tell him what was happening and that I loved him. It took a couple of calls to waken him, but it was good to talk to him before they moved me. I had to leave all my belongings on the ward, but I had his T shirt with me because this is something I have with me everytime I go away - the smell of him on his t shirt, to comfort me when I am missing him. I clung on to that T shirt all night. They put up blood through a needle in my right arm and then they put an arterial line in my left wrist - boy that one hurt ! They put a 12 lead ECG on me and IV fluids in through the existing line in my left wrist. I was wired for sound.
I had some fabulous nursing care that night though. The staff from ward 10 were amazing - very attentive, and very reassuring. The ICU staff that night and the next day were very kind and truly cared for me when I felt at my lowest.
Wednesday 4th June, 2008
Bruno came in to see me and was shocked to see me in a bit of a state. He said that the bleed was probably due to the poor state my bloods and clotting had been in. He said that they didn't get my blood test results until I was in theatre the day before, and they had to put up a lot of fluid to correct the imbalances. He checked the drain and said that if the bleeding did not slow down then he would have to operate again to find the cause. I really didn't fancy that because I was already feeling pretty bruised, sore and tender. The bleeding had certainly slowed down because of the transfusion I was getting. 3 Units of Belgian blood and it must have been the good stuff because by 5pm my Hb had gone from 7 to 12 with just 3 units. He sent several of his assistants to check on my bleeding through the morning, and to report back to him while he was in theatre. I honestly could not have asked for better care from him. He was very attentive.
He saw me later that afternoon and agreed to move me back to the ward. I was talking to Alan on and off all day, as well as sleeping a little and talking to Frances who was there from 11am 'ish. The nurse that morning - Valerie, was so lovely. She gave me a wonderful wash to help me stop feeling manky, and she put her arm around me when I sat on the edge of the bed bawling my eyes out - feeling very alone and very far away from home. She was great.
I was delighted to go back to the ward and the other ladies were pleased to see me too. Hanelore was looking great considering she was only just post op. She had even been out of bed to the commode ! I could not have done that when I was so newly post op !
Bruno had told me that I could be discharged the next day as long as things continued to improve the way they were. He allowed me to eat and drink that night.
It was a nightmare day, there is no two ways about it, BUT the positive side was this - he operated a day earlier than planned and had he not done so we would not be going home on the Friday night. The other positive is I was free of that deep down pain a day sooner and that was sweet release inself.
I was allowed a wheely drip stand and allowed out of bed that night too, and was able to walk Frances down to the end of the ward. I pottered about the room getting my stuff sorted and getting my nightie on. They were still giving me IV paracetamol and IV hydration which was very welcome. I settled down to sleep but my back was really sore from the angle I was lying in. I put the bed pretty flat and just being able to lie even a little on my side made the world of difference.
Thursday 5th June, 2008
Slept on and off overnight, disturbed this time by the lady next to me snoring when she was sleeping, and vomitting when she was awake. Not a pleasant combination. The view over Brugge as the sun was rising was just as beautiful as I remembered it though. (Hanna)lore and I were talking about 4am about moving to Brugge and she was saying that a family she knows moved there from Dublin. Within 5 months the kids were fluent - which gave me a lot to think about. I would love to live in Brugge. I am in love with the place - it's so beautiful, and the folk there are very friendly. The initial 6 months would be tough while we settle in and learn the lingo, find our footing, and get work, school and a social life sorted out. I would love to work for Bruno though, and I see a genuine need there where pre and post op counselling is not really being met, for the Uk patients or the Belgian ones. Bruno wanted to talk to me on tuesday about jobs, but then corrected himself and said that he would sort me out medically first and then we would talk later in the week. I was excited by the idea of working in the bariatric field prior to this, and even more so now.
Bruno arrived and told me that the drip and drain could come down, and I allowed to eat and drink. I had already had breakfast - I even ate a yoghurt without any ill effects, and that is the first in months ! He arranged for me to speak to the dietician and sort out a few of the official paperwork, and then I should be good to go by lunch time. He asked me to return to see him the next morning at 10am. He seemed genuinely happy to see me feeling so much better, and honestly I really was feeling top of the world. I was not displeased to see the drain removed. OK it had put out about 200 ml overnight, but it was serous fluid and not blood and this would easily reabsorb internally without this exit point- I hoped so anyway ! It was more discomfort than pain when it came out, and I was surprised at the length of it ! It was long, and it felt like it was coming from right over the other side of my body ! The drips came out, and I was then free to walk about, drip free and drain free, and get washed, dressed and packed !
The dietician came to see me to check all was ok. She was delighted with my weight loss. She was interested to hear that I had been having blood sugar drops, and that I was not the only one post op for more than a year to experience this. She said that they rarely see patients this far post op, so they don't get this feedback, but she took note anyway and said she'd mention it to Bruno. She advised me to go back to puree diet until any post op swelling had gone down. She said she had no experience of this sort of surgery nearly 2 years post op so she didn't really know what to advise with diet, which is why she said to go back to basics until my pouch was ready for solid food again. Bruno had already told me that he was concerned about my weight loss and that for the last month or two I had not been able to eat which was boarderline anorexic. Looking back, I really was. It was easier not to eat and be 'comfortably in pain' than to eat and be in agony. It was a slippery slope for me but I felt that I had turned a corner now, and being able to eat now would mean I could potentially put on some weight again and get back to a size that worked for me physically.
I pottered into the bathroom once all the other 3 had been in there and washed. I took my clothes and wash things and had a good scrub down. I washed my hair too because I felt manky ! The mirror in front of me shocked me though. I could see my ribs below my chin above my breasts were clearly sticking out. When I breathed in and out they were moving under the skin but were totally visible. I thought, OMG that is not a good look. Even my implants were not looking right. I need to put on some weight up there, although how my legs are looking now ( although saggy as hell) is a vast improvement.
I was brought a puree lunch at 11.30. It was foul and Lore and I had a bit of a giggle over it. She said it looked fit for the dog !! She was right. Puree food is seriously nasty ! ho hum ! It was a necessary evil though to a) prove that I could eat to the staff there b) have some form of protein to help build my strength back up. This was thursday and my first meal since monday lunch time. I knew my weight had dropped.
The chief nurse could finally be located and I was given my discharge papers, and then I went down to the foyer and asked them to book a taxi to the hotel. I had rung Al in the morning to tell him what was happening, and I got him to call his Mum and tell her to stay put rather than pay for a taxi when I was coming out any minute. I sat and waited on the taxi, and while I was there Valerie the ICU nurse came past me and stopped to wish me well. It was really lovely of her to do that and it actually made me very emotional. What a week it had been. I really had felt so vulnerable out there not knowing what was going on inside me, but these people had been so kind to me, and fixed my insides so I could live again. I missed Al and the kids so much. His T shirt was as close to him as I could get but it was no substitute. I just wanted to be in his arms again and never leave. My rushed trip to ICU was one of the lowest points of the week because drifting in and out of consciousness, I honestly thought I was a goner. I so needed Al to know that no matter what happened I loved him to the bottom of my heart and wished he had been there right then to hold me and tell me it would be ok. As much as I loved his Mum for being there for me, I needed him and always would.
I finally got back to the hotel at about 1pm. The taxi driver clearly thought I was a mere tourist that did not know that he was driving all round the houses to up his meter price for the ride. Honestly, he was right over the other side of town and in and out of the little streets. I just wanted to get back to the hotel asap! Frances was waiting on me and we ditched my bag and headed out to the town to explore a bit. We had some soup while we were out which was lovely. We walked about the town until we were tired and got things for the kids and Al as little gifts to bring home. I was knackered and so was Frances so we came back to the hotel and had a lie down. I proped my tum and side up with pillows and for the first time all week slept on my side without any discomfort. It was great ! We had a little nap and then headed out for dinner. We went to a restaurant where I had chicken and chips and Frances had a steak with mushroom sauce and chips. So much for my puree diet ! I asked them for a small portion but that fell on deaf ears ! I had a small bit of chicken and a few of the chips but Frances was not impressed with her well done steak when she cut into it and it was not well done at all. Hardly done would be closer to the truth. I offered my chicken as I had already had enough and it was hardly touched. My tum pouch was quite restricted due to swelling and it was almost as if I was a new RNYer. Very little filled me very fast. It was a nice enough meal although the steak spoilt it a bit. The rain started outside so rather than go to the market square and people watch like Ellen and I had, we headed back to the hotel. I would have loved to have seen the Belfore at night again but it was not to be. We went back and watched some daft film on the TV before discovering that we could actually get BBC channels !! I watched Hero's and Graham Norton before finally turning in. Frances was out cold from about 10.30pm ! I listened to the Belfore doing it's thing every 15 mins until about midnight when it stops for the night, and I thought to myself that although this week had gone a little pear shaped at times, I had come to the end of it now and the worst was behind me. It could only get better from here on.
Anyway- the case was packed and we were set to go home the next day and I could not wait to see Alan and the kids again. I wanted Friday to arrive quickly so I went to sleep and let Brugge by night stay out there without me.
Friday 6th June 2008
I was up at 7.15am and showered. We packed the last of the things that needed to go in, wash things etc, and then we went for breakfast. I had dressed to impress that day knowing that Bruno would be talking employment to me and I really want to be employed in this bariatric world. I wore my black jeans - the losest ones I had with me because my tum was swollen still, white top with mock black waistcoat, and my Karen Millen jacket over the top. I had to keep reminding myself at breakfast that I needed to slow down and take it easy. My pouch was delicate and needed to be treated carefully. I managed a small toastedbacon sandwich which was lovely ! We took the taxi to the hospital having deposited our case in the hotel baggage cupboard, and said goodbye to our room. Frances waited in the waiting area while I went and chatted to Bruno. He got someone to come and change my dressings while he talked to me about WLSGroup being his main providers now. I said that I had already sent them my CV back in March but they had not been in touch with me yet. He said he wanted to forward my name to them as a recommendation to get me on board with them. I mentioned that I felt there as a need for bariatric counselling here in Brugge too and that we as a family would be prepared to move over there to faciliate that, if he felt there was a place for me over there. I think he was quite taken aback with this, but I was serious. Al and I had talked about it before I even came to Belgium. He said he would have a think about where he felt I would best fit into the business and get back to me.
Frances and I took the number 13 bus back to town and had a wander around, before going for a big bowl of soup in Ellen and my favourite chicken restaurant ! It was great soup and I really enjoyed it. We got the kids the last few bits and bobs, some baps and ham for the journey later, and then it rained. It was not worth getting soaked for so we headed back to the hotel and had a coffee or two and waited on the 4pm taxi ride to the airport. We got talking to the manageress of the hotel and she was talking about other bariatric patients who are coming from WLSgroup in parties of 4 and 5 at a time, accompanied by someone from the group. I thought this was a fantastic idea, and perhaps even somewhere where the 'living in Brugge' plan might be endorsed even more. It was food for thought.
The taxi came late and the journey seemed to take forever, but I was glad not to be pulling a case or heavy bag about Belgium again. I was too sore for that malarky. We arrived at the airport to find the plane was delayed. I so needed it to be on time but alas it was not happening. We were supposed to take off at 21.30 but we were not taking off until 23.00 and that was a rush job considering they are not allowed to take off after 23.00 due to local noise regulations. I was just pleased we were taking off at all. Get me home !! It's all I wanted !
We arrived in Dublin and Al and the kids were in the car collecting us. It was magic to be back with them again and heading home. It was late and the kids were knackered but I was back with them and that was all that mattered.

So that is my account of the week in Brugge. I have been home 2 weeks tomorrow and am feeling so much better now. I really am. I am back at work and yet taking it as easy as I can. I am still very tired and I am suspecting my Vitamin B12 is low so I will get Al to inject me sometime soon and try and get that level back up. My wounds are healing nicely and all my dressings are off now. I have gained about 3lbs in weight which is a nice step in the right direction, and I am eating without pain. Still smallish portions but I am eating and that is wonderful !

We have been updating my website and making it look all new and fancy. Alan has done it all to be fair. He has done an amazing job. I would never have known where to start such a task but he just tinkers away at it until he learns how it works and then he makes it into something really special. He should take all the credit for it looking so great. Thanks honey, I love you xx
We did a new video to update things too, and launched that on YouTube. I have had over 600 people view that this week alone ! The website is getting a lot of hits too which is very exciting.
So that's us up to date. I bet you need another cup of coffee now. Thanks for reading - come back again soon. I will try and get this blog thing happening a little more frequently - she says, famous last words !!

Tuesday 29th April 2008

2008-04-29T11:33:00.002+01:00

Again, long time no blog, but here I am. I come back to this diary to update it now and again when I have the time and when I need to write down my feelings, fears, hopes and triumphs to help clarify things in my head. So here's what's been going on.

Yesterday I was discharged from hospital having been to hell and back. Things have been extremely stressful here for the past couple of months and we are in the process of moving house too, so my time has not been my own. I was at work on Thursday morning when my pains started around my back and my tummy was bloating. The bloating is nothing new, I just thought it was trapped wind that often bothers me on a night shift. Trouble was the pain did not go away it just got worse. I took something for wind and it didn't stop, then I took co codamol for the pain and it didn't stop, and by the time the kids were in bed and I took a shower I was finding it hard to standup straight. The pain in my back and tummy was unreal and Al told me that he was taking me to a&e. My trousers were really tight by the time we got there - my tummy was really bloated big time now, and I was whincing in pain. They took me through pretty quickly and dosed me with morphine, and then some more morphine, and then some more. The pain was not going at all. They were querying a perforated bowel at first, and then pancreatitis or gallstones. They did an xray, and this confirmed that I had not perf'd but they needed to do a CT scan and an ultra sound to rule out everything else. My bloods came back clear so they sent me up to the ward and Al went home. I was given 45mg of Iv Morphine in the 4 hours I was in A&E ( enough to knock out a small rhino) and further doses when I was on the ward thereafter with very little pain relief achieved. It was grim. The pain in my back was relentless and crippling. I had the belly of a 5 month pregnant lady too and the pressure was terrible. They put a drip up and made me nil by mouth, started IV antibiotics, IV protium, and then sent me for a CT scan. I had to drink 900ml of CT contrast before I was taken down for it but I was wretching and my tum could not cope with this quantity of fluid on an empty stomach. Then being put in a wheelchair and jiggled through the corridors of the hospital to the scanner just added insult to my already injured tummy and by the time they wanted me to lie down on the scanner I was physically unable. The pain was unreal. They did the scan though, I just bit my lip and held on tight to the womans words telling me it was only 4 minutes of a scan. No sooner was I up on the ward then they came and told me I was going for an ultra sound. They were making all sorts of noises about my internal plumbing, but I was just in agony having any part of my tummy pressed on with the ultra sound. Again this was inconclusive. They came back to me on the ward and said the CT scanner had broken during those 4 minutes of a scan so I would have to go back and get another one done the next day.
So 2 days later I was no further on with my pain relief, still in agony and still no cause could be found. We thought it was my seroma possibly infected but on the second CT showed I had no seroma. The second CT was more painful than the first one because I had been nil by mouth longer and then told to drink 900ml of contrast again. Lying down was unbearable and being examined by the doctors caused me so much distress because of the pain.
On saturday night they decided to shift me from one ward to another to free up the beds in the medical ward where I was a surgical outlier. They had decided to allow me to eat and drink but then brought me a couple of cold fish cakes and croquette potatoes which looked and tasted disgusting on an empty stomach. I tried a couple of nibbles of it but the pain started up pretty quickly after. Then they wanted me to walk to the new ward but by the time I arrived there I was rolling in pain. My sister in law was with me and she went and asked them to write me up for something for bowel spasm. The nurse came in and took my IV fluids down and told me I HAD to drink, and when I asked for pain relief they told me I HAD to have oral pain relief. I said that I was in agony - I had tears rolling down my cheeks by this point the pain was so intense, and she insisted that the doctor had told her to withdraw my heavier analgesics. It was as if because they could not find a reason for my pain, there was no pain, and I must be some opiate driven fraudster. I asked to see the doctor who had dictated this and he came in to see me. I told him to take a look at how huge my belly was distended and this is what he said ' oh, that's to be expected, it's part and parcel of your surgery' I put him straight and told him that it most certainly was not. He almost ran out of the room and soon enough I was being given IV paracetamol and IM tramadol. My sister in law had brought in a heat pad and put that up my back which was heaven. I did actually get some pain relief from these combinations but the cause was still unknown. Next morning the doctors came round, and since they had attempted to give me some breakfast and I was none the wiser, I had consumed half a slice of toast and bloated out like never before. I was so sore when they arrived, but they came in and said that it was NOT a seroma and that my tummy was just loose skin. The SHO said that I needed a tummy tuck revision, and the Reg said that I needed to go back to Belgium and see my surgeon. I was gobsmacked. All I needed was for them to sit down and work it through with me. The bloods had been normal, the CT's and ultra sound found nothing, so this was NOT pancreatitis,NOT hepatic, NOT gallstones, NOT liver, but they were so blinded by my RNY to figure out what was blatently obvious - it took my sister in law and me the day to figure out that this was Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It made complete sense once we thought about it. The condition is stress induced and there has been plenty of that in my life, and every time I tried to eat or drink in the last few days I would be in agony within 10 minutes. Myguts felt like they were being twisted and pulled in every direction. That was why the CT was so sore - because I had to drink all the contrast beforehand.
They finally agreed to give me some Buscopan on Sunday night, and within 20 mins I was pain free. I could not believe this little tablet was the answer all this time. I had another one that night, and then needed another about 4am, but the swelling in my tummy reduced significantly overnight which was enough of a result for me to report to my consultant yesterday morning that I was in no doubt that my bowel was in crisis but it's IBS that is the cause. He was happy to send me home with Buscopan and see how I got on.
I got home yesterday lunch time, and intended to take a bland easy diet for a day or two, but even soup made me blow out. I had a rough night last night and ended up on the sofa with the heat pad, watching TV for most of the night. I resolved to call my GP this morning and get her to sort me out some pain relief.
When I called the surgery this morning, they told me that my GP had died suddenly last week. I am so very sad to hear this because she has been so supportive of my weight loss surgery. I had every faith in her medical skills and we only saw her about 7 weeks ago and she was looking well then. I am seeing her GP partner this afternoon.

Sunday 3rd February, 2008

2008-02-03T09:36:00.000Z

Another month has whizzed past and this is how things are with me this month. I am seriously busy most days with chasing about after 5 kids and potty training 2 of them - (don't get me started !) my life is not my own. Eating wise I am eating all around me. This is not good. Some days I can eat more than others but I can always seem to eat snacks without any problem at all. Meal times are hard going, no matter what I am serving up, give me a packet of Skips or Onion Rings and I can nibble away on them no problem. I also have a penchant for frosties in a bowl with no milk ( lactose intolerance prevents me having the milk added) and I sit and chomp away in front of the TV with my bowl of yummy stuff ! I just love the crunch ! Weight wise this eating has not really done much for my weight. I am static at 10 stone 6-7lbs and it never shifts which is heaven ! I am no longer obsessed with the scales either which is a nice release. I used to step onto them every day and either beat myself up and make a vow to walk harder and faster that day to get the lbs moving, but now it doesn't fizz on me if I go on them or not because they never really say anything different to the last time I was on them. I know that some people have real problems with their scales and admit a dependancy on them, but to me, it was just a tool to see if I needed to work harder that day or whether what I had been doing was working. Maybe a larger weight loss seen on the scales after a weeks abstainance would have given me a bigger boost, but I am an inpatient soul, and it would have gutted me to have waited all week to find out that I had not lost any weight at all. Anyway - as I said, I no longer am standing on them every day, and it's once a week IF I happen to remember !

Plastics wise I am still healing well. The darn seroma is still there although I opted to consider burning my corset, I am glad I didn't because the seroma that I had at the end of the second day of not wearing it made me look 5 months pregnant. The corset is back on - albeit a little tighter than usual because my darling hubby tumble dried it yesterday and it shrunk ! The vertical incision from my left boob is now perfectly healed together and both are looking very perky but natural too. I am having mental issues with my legs though. I am a size 10 waist but some cuts of trousers ( like Dotty p's for instance) just can't go up past my legs and bum. The skin seems to come up with the trousers and makes things very awkward. When I was in the swimming pool pre- platics, my legs horrified me because they were swishing about like my very own built in water wings. HORRID ! I know I said no more surgery, but..... I wish I'd had these legs sorted when I had the rest done.

I am just off night shift, so if there are typo's in this post then forgive me. I am pooped. I will write again soon xx

Friday, 4th January 2008

2008-01-04T15:09:00.000Z

I am just over 2 months post plastics, and everything has settled down wound wise for me. I still have a large seroma where I had lipo on my tummy, and I am still a little swollen on top of the tummy tuck line, but not all time time ! It's a seroma I keep telling myself as it comes and goes ! I gave myself 2 days off from my corset and the lipo seroma was larger than ever last night, so the corset is back on today.
I had previously been concerned about the scar line on my left boob because it was not closing up like the other one but I am over the moon to find that in the last couple of weeks it has now closed up. It is still being supported by steristrips which is fine by me. As long as the wounds heal up cosmetically then I will be happy as a piggy in poo, and will wear the steristrips as long as it takes !
I am officially a 36DD and I am thrilled with the way they have settled into place now. The swelling is gone now and I am able to start and wear prettier bras now that I no longer need the sports bras. My tummy is so flat, it's really quite incredible. I can't get over how my hip bones and ribs stick out with a dip inbetween where my tummy is !! My other triumph this month has been getting in to a pair of size 10 jeans !!!
I finally got the size 10 jeans in New Look and infact have them on today !! They are yummy and I feel really slim in them !!
Al even picked me up the other day, which is a first !! He weighs nearly a stone heavier than me now and when I saw him on the scales after me, I had to do a little victory dance !!! OK his BMI is lower because he is so tall, but that aside, HE WEIGHS MORE THAN ME !!!!!! Yataaaaaaaaa

RNY wise I had an interesting christmas. I was well aware of what I could and could not eat and I didn't feel I denied myself at all. I had a bit of everything in my Christmas dinner, and it was yummy. I know that too many mince pies make me feel ill, I also know that Chinese lemon chicken makes me throw up, and that the slightest thought of a fresh cream pavlova makes me feel sick as a dog, BUT, I also know that I can manage a little bit more to eat now and I am no longer losing or gaining weight. My BMI is 24.something, and I am no longer overweight, and my weight has stabilised at 10 st 6. I can eat like a little troffer some days and not others and regardless, I get on the scales and I am 10 st 6. I NEVER thought it would be this way, but I am so glad that it is !
I have found a new addiction though... I am hooked on sour sweets - Haribo or Co-op own, I am not fussy, or boot laces - strawberry or apple, again I am not fussy ! I could eat them til the cows come home, and sit here at my lappy with a packet open beside me to dip into ! The sour ones are the best, I love the texture of the sugary sour stuff on the outside. How sad am I !!? I don't dump on them though, and mighty pleased that I don't too !!
I have not been exercising as much as I usually would these last 2 weeks since the kids have been off school, and I have not had the double buggy out. We did decorate the dining room if that counts as exercise, but I am back to it next week once the kids are back to school - weather permitting !
Christmas was good btw, aside from the food I have already mentioned, I got some lovely things from Al. He got me 2 gorgeous basques which are totally lovely. One I had to take in because it was a fraction too big and there were no returns, but they are both really lovely ! He got me this beautiful jumper which really makes me look skinny !!! lol ! He then gave me a pair of Victoria Beckham jeans, which actually brought a tear to my eye. Stupid cow, I hear you say.... yeah yeah... but the reason is real enough. Before I had my RNY I could never imagine wearing a pair of these designer jeans. They are for skinny people, and definitely not me. I wanted to have a pair though, and told Al that one day I wanted a pair, so that I could say ' see, I did it !!'. Christmas Day though, I unwrapped them and sat there thinking ' what if they don't fit?' I would have been so gutted if they hadn't fitted. I went and put them on, and guess what? I needn't have been upset at all, they fit like a glove ! Me in Victoria Beckham jeans !!!! ME !!!!!!! I was again on the verge of dancing a little jig on the spot !
That's the update for this month anyway... I shall be back. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday December 12th 2007

2007-12-12T21:14:00.000Z

So here I am again, a month later and I have to say first up..... I have the body that I always wanted !! My tummy is flatter than a pancake and my boobs are just yummy ! I can wear clothes that nip in at the waist now and WOW, no bulge to hide ! I bought myself a dress for Christmas - a red one, and it's totally awesome. I could never ever have imagined myself wearing anything so lovely before, but here I am, the owner of this beautiful dress, and I am over the moon with it ! It's backless, with a little belt for detail and a pencil line skirt to it. I have no lumps or bumps to hide anymore, just 2 gorgeous ones that Al can't keep his hands off !!
Am I happy that I had this plastic surgery done... you bet ya ! Patrick Dedoncker is right up there on the same pedestal as Bruno Dillemans, and I am eternally grateful to both of them for their skill and handiwork that has given my life back to me. I feel sexy for the first time EVER, and it's down to these 2 blokes who are so skilled at what they do. Yes, both surgeries hurt, and perhaps I have been a little too blunt about that in my blog, but I would rather tell it how it was for me then cover it in lace and pretty it up. When you have surgery, you have to expect it's going to hurt a bit, but that is ok, the end justifies the means. Just take a deep breath and say that it's just one day... one silly little 24 hours of this much ouch, and tomorrow it will be a bit better, and the day after that will be better still, and before you know it you are on your way home to your own bed and your creature comforts. I am 5 weeks away from it now and my scars are all healed and I am feeling amazing. I am still having to wear my corset but that is to squish in this seroma on my tummy. It's just a little blip but I am getting used to wearing it and will behave myself and wear it all day until it's done it's job. I give myself a breather at night though and whip it off !!
For those who are about to go for plastics though, I really did not want to upset you with my honesty about my surgery. I am the sort of person though who prefers to know the truth about what it's like, and I did a lot of reading pre plastics where people were honest with how it was for them. It helped me and I was mentally prepared as a result. I was far more in control of how I was feeling even when things were going literally tits up in recovery, because I knew what was happening and I was confident I was in good hands. I was not as well prepared after my RNY because I felt some had made it out to be a walk in the park, and this didn't help one bit ! It hurt and I felt pain !
Would I do it all again to have what I have now... in a heart beat. Even knowing what I know now.... yes, in a heartbeat.

Today I was wearing size 14 jeans from New Look. They were being held up by a belt and prayer. So I went to New Look to see if I could get a size 12 pair in the same style. They are really comfy and my fav jeans. So I went in, found a size 12 and went to try them on.... something that was un-heard of pre RNY.... and they were gaping at the back !! I needed a size 10 and had there been a shop assistant within yelling distance I would have called out for her to fetch me a pair just so I could tannoy it about the shop !! I got dressed and put the size 12's back and alas ( stamps foot and goes waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) there was no size 10 there. I hunted the shop down, but no size 10's anywhere. Bummer ! There were skinny jeans that had a low cut waist line, but I always feel like I am losing my trousers when I try them, and when I have this corset to conceal too, it's not a good look. Size 10... me in a size 10 !!!!! OMG ! I ended up in Menary's getting a delicious pair of Dash designer black jeans in a size 12 which Al says are still too big on me, but I think they are comfy and I like them ! I have the flat tummy but my ass and legs are still there to cater for !! Ok.. not so much my ass, that's shrinking now, but my legs are a mess. No... I am not going for more surgery. It's not happening !

So that's my update. Christmas is coming, and I am sort of ready. Bracing myself for the arrival of the Mother In Law who I know will invade my kitchen and try and take over. I can try and bolster the door and keep her out but I doubt this will work. When she gets a bee in her bonet then it's just easier to go with the flow than fight it. It's not like I will be eating much of the dinner anyway, but I just like to put out a lovely meal for everyone on Christmas day with all the trimmings. I think she just misses cooking for a big family and tries to make out she is doing me a favour by kicking me out of my own kitchen. I don't mind allocating her the stuffing duty with the kids on Christmas eve... that's become tradition, but please leave me to do the rest. It's the only meal of the year that I actually LIKE to cook ! I am cooking for 7 everyday so cooking this meal for 8 is not a big deal !

While I am on the subject of MIL..... Al said to show her my flat tum about 2 weeks ago. So I lifted my jumper and showed her how flat I was, and you know what she said.... lol.....
' goodness, it's even flatter than mine' . My jaw dropped... she was not joking..... this lady is wearing a size 22 but she 'thinks' she has a flat tummy. Good grief. What sort of mirror is she looking in ..... ok. I will shut up now. She and I do get on very well and she is very good to us, but I do wish she would just accept that she cannot be slimmer than me anymore, and that I have worked my butt off to be the way I am now. Sometimes I think she 'gets it' and then she comes out with the 'it's flatter than mine' comment which proves my point that she really hasn't.

Til next time.....

Thursday 8th November 2007

2007-11-08T10:44:00.000Z

9 days post op now and things are beginning to slowly improve. Pain wise I am still on the strong stuff but I intend to wean myself down to paracetamol in the next few days because I can't look after the kids properly when I am drugged up. Al is going back to work on sunday although Amy will be here to help me out, and he is off again on monday but back again on tuesday so I need to get myself going again and ready to take on the stresses of the kids single handed.

Al changed my dressings on tuesday because I thought I had a swelling on my tummy tuck line. It felt really good to have the dressings off even for a short time, and the swelling turned out to be MY HIP BONE !!! I knew it was hiding under there somewhere ! It just never stuck out before ! lol. All the old dressings came off without any ooze or bleeds on them. All clean and dry. I was amazed at how well I was healing ! I still am ! My nipples are quite tender to touch but I am just relieved that I can feel them because it's a complication that can happen that you don't have sensation from the nipples post op. Mine are nice a pink and healing nicely. The bruising under my left breast is pretty bad - black and blue and yellow. Where the bra presses on it is sore so I wore a dressing pad between the bra and the bruising yesterday to see if that helped. It didn't really so I am not bothering today.

I am trying to get some housework done today. The house is looking pretty bad and the washing is stacking up again. I hate that, so I assembled all the washing upstairs and have asked Al to bring it down but as yet he has not. Grrrr... I know that I cannot do it, and I won't even try to, but that just makes it more frustrating. I can't vaccuum either, but the house badly needs it. There are kids toys all over the place which I have tried to assemble in one place but the 2 little ones here keep picking them up and taking them back all over the house. I feel like King Canute !!

On a brighter note, although I put on a stone in fluid the week I was away ( I weighed 10st 11lbs on the day of the op, and by the saturday I was 11 st 10 :( ) I have been taking Frusemide to shift the fluid and this morning I am 11st 2 which is 8lbs off since saturday. My legs and ankles are still swollen but they are getting back to somewhere near normal. I put on a jumper dress today and a pair of leggings, and my profile is brilliant ! No tummy flap in the way, just smooth and straight ! I even have a cardigan on which is shorter than I am used to, and it looks great ! I don't have to pull it down to cover my bum or to cover my tum because I don't really have either anymore !! Oh happy day ! lol

Sunday November 4th, 2007

2007-11-04T08:25:00.000Z

I got home from Brussels yesterday morning. What a week.
Monday 29th October Lorraine and I were dropped at the airport at 3pm and we soon checked in and made our way to the restaurant for some soup. I am pleased we had this because it was the last bit of sustainance before my op ! The plane took off on time, 6.20 and arrived 15 mins early. The chap from the Eurovolley centre was waiting on us and the journey took about 45 mins. I was trying my best to remain calm, it would not have helped anyone, least of all me, to have hit the panic button. I was missing Al and the kids already though, and the distance between us felt like a zillion miles. I kept thinking -what on earth am I doing? - why am I here again when I said NO MORE OPERATIONS !! Ugh.... I know why I am here, it's because this tummy of mine is not only unhygienic, it's flappy, it's ugly, it's hanging skin, it's keeping me in size 12 jeans when I could and should be in less, and my boobs are non existant, ugly, saggy, and I feel asexual because of them. So I gave my self a swift kick up the ass, packed my overnight bag for the hospital, and went to bed !

The Eurovolley centre hotel - it's very very very basic. The rooms are heated like sauna's, with underfloor heating that is just relentless ! There is a TV with BBC1 and 2 on it which was handy enough. There's a shower which has the might of a thousand power showers about it ! Be careful in there or you could come out black and blue !! There is a restaurant that serves breakfast as part of the price of the room. Don't expect too much here though. It's self service from a choice of bread ( toaster available) cereal ( if there's any left in the dispensers) Coffee ( not recommended, it's not the nicest stuff) cheese and ham ( ewww - for breakfast ?!) and yoghurts. There is a bar next to the restaurant with reinforced glass overlooking the volleyball courts. There was generally some activity going on down there and balls bouncing on the window - scared the hell out of me !! They do a lunch and dinner menu but you need to be fluent in Flemish to understand what is on offer. Mushrooms on toast, Spag Bol, Lasagne, Soup, Omlettes, these we could just about make out but the rest elluded us ! The hotel is in the sticks and there is nothing around the hotel to walk to, no shops, nothing to see, nothing to look at. In fact, the area looks a bit dodgey to be honest with you so I would not recommend leaving the hotel for a wander anywhere !

Tuesday 30th October. We were taken by the receptionist from the hotel to the hospital for 7am. We checked in and were taken to the ward. A lovely nurse called Annalise saw me and asked the usual questions, and then took me to my bed, room 105 bed 3. I was given a gown and told that Patrick Dedoncker would be there shortly. I unpacked my stuff quickly, really bricking it by this stage. Thank God Lorraine was there to support me. I had warned her that I needed her there for the consultation and as such, she would be party to seeing me in all my glory. Probably mentally scarred for life now ! Patrick arrived shortly after I'd got my gown on, and he introduced himself, and he asked for the blood results, and I handed him his money at the same time. I didn't want to hold on to that a single second longer !! He then asked me to undress and stand butt naked by the curtain while he took before photo's of me. YIKES ! I had only just met the guy and here he was asking me to pimp myself !! lol. How embarassing ! Then I had to stand there while he drew in black marker pen on my tummy. A line down my middle, a circle around the area to be lipo'd on my belly, a line across my abdomen along my section line, a line horizontally with my navel. He pulled and poked at my flap and commented that I had a LOT of skin to remove.... no shit sherlock !!! Then I had to sit down and he pulled up a chair infront of me and it was time for my boobs to get the inking ! He did it very scientifically though, tape measure out and very precise marking. I was amazed he didn't get a set square and protractor out ! I had a line from my neck straight down the middle, and then lines to my nipples, and then he measured the uplift and marked the area underneath to be removed in a sort of inverted V shape. Then a line straight down from the nipple to underneath, and a smile shape under the breast along my natural crease line. Then he marked out where my new nipples would be. He said they were currently at 30cm from my neck, and after they would be at 22cm. So, once he had done his picasso masterpiece on me he said, `we shall start immediately`. Yikes !! I was on the bed and away to theatre leaving a worried looking Lorraine behind me. You can tell that the theatre staff are not used to dealing with conscious patients. They really treat you like a piece of meat, no feelings, no voice, no soothing conversation. They gestured to me to get onto the operating table which was then wheeled into the theatre. No anaesthetic room, this was the site of my flappy bits demise. There was a huge light overhead but not on, and the room was very clean, smelt of disinfectant, and there was a hive of activity as staff busied themselves getting trolleys and instruments prepared. They stuck cardiac stickies on me, the blood pressure cuff on me, I gave my flappy bits one last touch before my arms were stretched out either side and strapped down. There was a lady who brought the laryngoscope and intubation tubes etc and put them on my chest ! Had I not been a nurse I guess I would not have known what this was, but I am a nurse and I got scared seeing the reflection of these things in the light above me. I thought of Al and felt myself welling up because I so wanted him there, but I knew I needed to be calm and composed going under anaesthetic or I would wake up in a right state. I thought of my kids, and then of the change in my body in the last year and then I told myself that this was the last operation, no more. The mask was put to my face, stingy stuff injected in my arm and that was that.
I woke in recovery to the sound of myself vomitting the airway up. The pain was not too bad at this stage as they already had stuff running IV into me for that. I did a body check... ooooh, I have boobs ... further south... where's my tummy ? A little further south still, ouch, 2 tubes sticking out my pubis and what is that... ah... a urinary cathter. Would have been nice to be warned that was going to happen, ah well, at least I won't have to get up to pee tonight ! I tried to focus on my surroundings, who was where, what was what.... there was a clock on the wall saying 1pm. I closed my eyes and tried to rest easy. I wanted to be back to the ward asap so I figured if I behave myself then I would be granted this. 1.30pm though my left breast started getting seriously sore. I mean, off the scale of pain. I was swollen and lopsided and it was hard as a rock. There was a male nurse in the vicinity so I called him and said I was in a lot of pain. He said ` I believe you, but you have already had all your pain medication`. He went off and another one came over and said he was phoning the Dr. The male nurse came back and jagged my leg with a needle of morphine I am guessing. I still have the bruise !! Patrick then arrived and said he had removed 20cm of skin ( width) which was a lot of skin, and that they had put a catheter in for my comfort overnight. I told him that my left breast was seriously sore, and he looked at the drain - nothing in it, and then grabbed the mefix dressing and ripped it off me ! Compared to the pain in the breast at this stage, the sound of my skin being ripped at was peanuts. He poked at my right breast, which was fine, and then my left breast which near had me lift off the bed. He then called everyone over and started talking quickly in their native tongue before turning back to me and saying I had a haematoma ( a collection of blood) behind my left breast, and they were taking me back to theatre to put me back to sleep to drain it. I felt dizzy and sick, my BP had been recording seriously low for the past hour, and boy didn't I know it. They had to put me back onto the operating table so they came and log rolled me onto my side ( PAINNNNNNNNN) while they put a patslide underneath me to get me over to the operating table. It was all a rush from there and I felt myself losing consciousness. I told them that I was not ok.... by the time I was in theatre ( based on my not remembering what happened!) I had passed out. I came to with people slapping my face a little and shaking me, but thereafter I don't remember being knocked out again - must have passed out again.
Back in recovery at about 3.30 I think, and the pain was certainly a lot less, thankfully. Patrick came to see me and told me that they had put in 2 drains on my left breast just to be sure ! He had drained off a 500ml bleed which was significant. My blood count as a result had dropped from 11.5 pre op to 8.2. I now needed a blood transfusion. Again, I rested - did myself the favour of keeping calm and collected and hopefully back to the ward sooner. I slept, I kept being woken though by the alarm on the monitor going off saying I was only beathing 5 or 6 resps a minute. They kept shaking me to get me to breathe more. My Bp was still in my boots too and that was alarming too. Patrick came back to see me to check I was ok, and said that he would go out and tell Lorraine what had happened. She must have been beside herself. 7.15pm finally I was taken back to the ward. Seeing Lorraines face was so good. She came with me to the room on the ward and held my hand. She said how worried she had been about me, and how she'd phoned Al and told him what was going on. She gave me my mobile and I phoned him to let him know I was out and was ok. It was heaven to hear his voice. I would have given anything at that moment for him to have been there in person. So the evening went on with pain relief being given without my having to ask for it - superb- and my drains being checked and BP recording every couple of hours. Low - always low ! Never actually got above 100/50. I slept on and off overnight but there was a patient who was up and down to the loo beside me, and the other one was snoring her head off. I was glad I was only there for one night ! I felt rough though, and it crossed my mind over and over that I didn't think I would be up to leaving the next day at all. I still had another unit of blood to get, and my pain levels were still needing controlled by strong stuff.
Wednesday 31st October They came early and took a blood count. That came back later on as 8.2 still. Humph. I was offered breakfast but a couple of sips of tea and I was sick. I had vomitted water the night before too. Eating was the last thing I wanted to do. I had this tighter than tight band around my tummy which was restricting my breathing let alone my eating !They helped me have a wash, get the pink stuff off me that had been splashed all over me in theatre, and then the blood was started. My right breast then started to swell and feel sore like the left one had before. They said that Patrick was on his way and he wanted me nil by mouth just in case I needed to go back to theatre. Lorraine was there with me and she was as concerned as I was. I called Al and told him what was going on as far as I knew. Poor guy must have grown several more grey hairs that day too. Patrick came and ripped off the dressings and said that my breast was ok. They had evened up too which had been a concern the day before. The left one was looking smaller than the right one, but they sorted themselves out ! He redressed my wounds told me all was ok, but that he wanted to get me a prescription for antibiotics and strong pain relief for back at the hotel. He suggested I might stay another night in the hospital, depending on how I was feeling. I really didn't want to, to be honest, because I wanted to stick to the plan of getting out that day. The blood finished and they removed the drip, got me dressed and out of bed - sweet relief because my back hurt like hell from all that lying about. I had 5 redivac drains in a blue carrier bag to carry about with me. Lorraine walked me up and down the ward to see if I could manage. It was sore and I was dizzy but I was determined. I bled from the pubic drains though so they made me get back on the bed and get them redressed. They didn't stop leaking until yesterday ! Patrick came back and saw me one more time and was happy enough that I could go to the hotel. We shuffled down to the foyer and they called the hotel taxi and about 5 mins later we were on our way. It felt good to be out in the fresh air, out of hospital and on the road to recovery. I was pretty helpless that evening and night though, and Lorraine had to nurse me, help me sit up because I was stuck on my back and could not move, even help me to the toilet. I had to redo my dressings on the pubic drains because they were soaked. I slept on and off that night, stiff and sore through most of it, but pleased to see daylight arriving. Lorraine helped me have a wash and wash my hair in the sink. I was so dizzy I felt faint. She sat me down and put a wet flannel on my face.... it was enough to get me back before I passed out thankfully. She helped me dress and we shuffled along to get some breakfast. I figured that I should get something to eat in case my dizziness was blood glucose related. I managed a yoghurt, slowly, and 3 cups of coffee. I was wiped out though and we returned to the room and I went back to bed and slept. I think Lorraine slept too, but by lunch time a miracle had happened. When I woke up I suddenly felt a new lease of energy. I really felt a vast improvement - no idea why - but walking was easier, the dizziness was less, and I felt up to having some lunch. We went down for lunch and got lasange. It was nice enough and I managed half of it which is about right for me. We had a cup of tea, and then headed back to the room. I am sure it was boring as hell for Lorraine to be stuck in there, but I could not go anywhere, I just wasn't up to it. I rested some more and watched TV, and then we went to get dinner later on. I fancied some soup. We were told that there was no dinner though because it was a holiday. Oh great. I can't go out anywhere, and they are not serving food, what am I supposed to do. I can easily go without eating but Lorraine has a normal stomach and she needs to eat. Thankfully we had eaten well at lunch time, and we had cereal bars and the like in the room.
Friday 1st November I had an ok night, awake at 3 and watched a film on my PPC while Lorraine slept on. I got up at 6ish and took my pain killers and then went and had a wash, did my own hair, and boy was I feeling a whole heap better. We had breakfast and then got sorted ready to go and see Patrick at the hospital and get the drains taken out. The left breast drain had passed 310ml since Wednesday which was quite a bit. The others were fairly minimal. He was in 2 minds whether to remove it or not, but decided the risk of infection leaving it in was higher than the risk of seroma taking it out. He removed the pubic ones - OMG - I needed to remind him that that area is delicate !! Pulling sticky dressings off too fast, yanking on stitches in that area, and then taking the tubes out which stemmed right to the end of my tummy tuck scar line each side. YIKES. He was happy with my belly button, and my nipples, redressed everything and said he was happy with my profile. I was just pleased to be free of the drains and ready for my journey home on saturday. We thanked Patrick, and then went to the hospital canteen for lunch. I had some chips and Lorraine had some soup and then the rest of my chips. I couldn't manage much. We then had a wander round Vilvoorde - there is nothing to see, trust me. I just wanted to prove to myself that I could walk a distance, so that the airport was not going to be too much for me. I was still leaking underneath so I had a pad under there to catch the leakage. I managed ok though, but got quite tired after an hour so we got the taxi back to the hotel.
Saturday 3rd November I was up at 5.30, washed my hair and body ( not allowed to shower darn it, but then again that shower would have blown me apart !) and I got dressed. I was so happy to be coming home at last. We packed our final bits and bobs and left the room about 6.50am and headed to get a cup of tea before leaving. My legs were swollen like tree trunks but my tummy was flat as a pancake. I had taken a look at myself in the mirror without my girdle thing on and it was incredible. What a difference. My belly bulge was away and my flappy bit was gone. My boobs were looking great, high up and rounded. I was worried what Al would think - hoped he would like what he saw.
We got to the airport at 8 and checked in. The plane was 10 mins late but they still landed in Dublin 5 minutes early. We made our way through the long walk from the gate to the baggage reclaim. I was expecting to call Al and tell him that we were waiting for him at the departures set down where we'd arranged to meet. I had to stop off in the toilets on the way though because my girdle was so tight that it was cutting in and hurting me. I was sore along my tummy tuck line - just smarting a little really - but I was doing ok and just looking forward to seeing my darling man. I called him as we made our way to the lift and as I spoke to him he came up behind me and threw his arms around me. It was so good to see him. Darren was there for Lorraine too, and seemed to have a happy reunion, but I was just allowing a few tears of relief and happiness flow at the touch of my husband holding me again.

So there we are. I am home and I am 'done'. My boobs are in a 36DD sports bra and Al is very pleased with them. My tummy is trussed up with this girdle so not very comfy, but I am feeling better all the time. I need to call the GP tomorrow and get some iron tablets and to let her know what happened oer there. Apart from that, things are good.

Sunday October 7th 2007

2007-10-07T09:49:00.000+01:00

So here I am just 3 weeks away from my trip to Brussels to meet the famous Patrick Dedoncker ! I have to tell you, I am bricking it ! I have started to pack my case, and I have got the Euro sorted to hand to the man himself on the Tuesday morning. I might have to sew that into my knickers until I hand it to him !! It's a lot of cash to be carrying about but that was the only way he does it. I guess he has got stung before by rubber cheques and promises of payment which never came. This way he knows he has been paid and if he gets paid up front with a smile from me, hopefully he will do an even better job than ever ! lol. I trust the guy. I know he has a superb reputation, especially on the WLS forum and is well used to operating on us more vascular girls who have lost a lot of weight.

Today I am 11 stone 2. I have lost 3lbs this week so far. I want to be 11 stone ( at least) before I go to Brussels and it should be achievable. Even if I don't lose the 2lbs I don't care to be honest. It's only 2lbs !! My ideal weight should be 10 stone 10 so in reality I am only 6lbs off target - less than half a stone - so now is a really good time to have these plastics done. I am so glad I don't have to wait another 6 months or year before getting my body fixed. I know lots of people have to wait because of NHS funding criteria, and they say that they are 'glad to wait' but I think this has to be a front to cover their frustrations. I have been frustrated with my body for the last 3-4 months with saggy skin really looking so horrid. You have this weight loss surgery thinking that you are going to finally get the body beautiful but the reality is you go from a fat person to a seriously saggy person and there's very little you can do about it but have it cut off, or live with it ! I know I swore when I had my RNY that whatever happened to my skin there was no way I would ever have surgery again.... but here I am .... the reality staring me in the face, I am going back for more surgery ! I was even looking at my legs when I was in the swimming pool the other day and thinking.. OMG look at those thighs. I had wings of flesh hanging off my legs and they were flapping about in the water. Soooooo ugly. I can't get more than the Tummy tuck and the boobs done in Brussels though... I think that will be enough, but who knows, maybe if my legs bother me that much post these plastics, I might have a chat to my GP and see if they would be done on the NHS. I don't know. It's not on my hit list right here right now. I will just see what happens. I might have a chat to Patrick Dedoncker and see what he thinks I might need on my legs, if anything. Ugh... no more surgery... enough is enough !!

I had my bloods taken this week but they didn't check everything they were supposed to, so I have to go back and open the vein again ! My levels were all fine apart from the haemoglobin which was 11.3 which is not that bad really. I have been feeling a little dizzy and faint of late though and my vit B12 might be low. I have been a little shakey at times too, which is more than likely to be a blood sugar related thing. I have to cut out sugars from my diet for the RNY, and even the taste of something really sweet turns me now, but I have to accept that I need a little sugar in my diet to stop my blood sugars from dropping like this. A few biscuits and a cup of Coffee with a half tea spoon of sugar in it and I am ok again. I attempted to have a bit of chocolate swiss roll with fresh cream in last night... one small spoonful of it and I was heaving... how mad is that. It looked so delicious too... probably was, but I could not even look at it sideways after tasting that small morsel !
If you are of a delicate nature, don't read this next paragraph. It's about poo.... ! I told my GP about the awful state of my bowels too, and that I had been taking 2-3 Senna every day without any success, Movicol - been there and tried that without success, and Bisacodyl does nothing for me either, so she prescribed me Laxoberol. I was sceptical, but the night before last I took a small swig of it before going to bed. Well.... yesterday morning I got the tummy gripes and cramps and was able to pass a constipated lump after a lot of pain, but then came the squits (or splotters as Rachel calls it !! Very apt name that !) . Just when I thought it was safe to stand up.. uh oh... and off I went again. I was scared to eat anything because I was going to the forum meeting in the afternoon and didn't want to disgrace myself, but last night after the tiniest bit of pizza... uh oh .. away I went again ! lol I can safely say though I am far from constipated !! I prefer it this way to be honest. I prefer feeling comfortable down there than bunged to the hilt and unable to go, even if I have to go through a white knuckle rollercoaster type ride to poo !

It's safe to look back now....

Tomorrow morning I will go and get the other bloods taken at the doctors and see what happens there. I am feeling pretty well to be honest. Everyone is telling me I look amazing, which does wonders for my ego ! Alan bought me a pair of grey boots and a long jumper dress thing with a belt and horizontal stripes this week and he thinks I look beautiful in it ! I asked him last night which bit of me was his favourite bit right now (lol) and he said he was torn between my backside and my waist, but if he had to pick then my waist. It really has shrunk especially in the last month, and he says he just loves my skinny tummy !! I love that man so much, he's been so supportive during this weight loss journey and notices lots of things about my changing shape that I don't !

I did my weight loss video and put it on You Tube this week too. I was inspired by Connies video ( see my website) which I saw last year when I was pre op. I could not believe the change in her and I had tears rolling down my cheeks watching it and thinking 'that could be me'. I swore that I would do my own video and now I have ! It's on my website too if you want to take a look. I was quite emotional doing it and getting it right. I wanted to show my story in pictures and music, and inspire others as much as I had been by Connie. The feedback I have had so far has been very positive and I am thrilled with it.

Wednesday 26th September, 2007

2007-09-26T11:22:00.000+01:00

Golly yesterday morning was a busy morning. I took the kids to school, and Amy to college and then took the boys to Larne town so I could get Michael's photo taken in Boots. They were not ready in Boots though and kept telling me to come back in a half hour or so.... so we did Iceland to get coffee and milk etc, and then we went for a wander around Woodsides, and up the top of the town and back down again, and round and around. We walked miles ! Pushing that buggy is hard work with the 2 tots in it, let alone loading up the shopping basket underneath it to lower it's centre of gravity yet further !
So we went back to Boots twice and finally we got the photo's happening at 11.15. Michael was done first and then I asked if Curtis could be done too although I didn't have the voucher with me. I was able to go up home after the photo's were done, to collect the voucher and bring it back to them, so I had to get them out of the pram and into the car seats, up to the house, in to get the voucher, back out and down the town again and out of the car, back in the buggy, into Boots, out of Boots and back into the car seats..... fold the buggy up ( heavy it is too....) and back up home by which time it was 12.45 and not worth putting them up to bed for 45 mins only to have to waken them to go and get Aidan. So I kept them up, fed them lunch, back into their car seats and down to get Aidan. Then to get Amy and up to the house, and then back down to get Rachel before racing home to be here in time for the social worker.
Suffice to say, I weighed 11stone 4 this morning ! I have taken the boys for a walk around Carnfunnock park this morning because even though it was cold, it's good for them to get out, and it's clearly very good for me to get out walking, and pushing the pram. I feel like I am getting closer to my target each and every day so pushing myself is a good thing.

32 days until I go for my plastics. Doesn't seem like very long does it? I have started throwing things into my case already, started making lists of things I need to remember to take with me. I booked my annual leave for the week I am away, and I spoke to Dr Carlisle about my sick line the other day too. I need to get my bloods taken next week sometime and get a prescription for PR voltarol and fizzy paracetamol to take with me. I need dressings for post op too. Oh yikes.. it suddenly feels to close and so real. It's not that I don't want it, I will be overjoyed when it's done, but it's the thought of what they are going to do to me.... and the pain.... oh help ! Deep breath.... I can do this. Imagine what I will look like at Christmas !!

Saturday, 15th September 2007

2007-09-15T10:07:00.000+01:00

Goodness me, I have left this a long time again but I have had good reason. My life has not been my own for the last month and a half and this is the first I have had anything even remotely close to a chance to sit and type. I felt I really needed to sit and write my blog today though, because I am feeling low and I am exhausted, but it's not purely from lack of sleep, it's from everything that is happening in my life and the way I am feeling about myself. I won't go into all that stuff because it is not relevant to my weight loss journey persay, and this is a weight loss journey blog. Suffice to say things are highly stressful here. My Step daughter is back living with us and so is her 2 year old son. She goes to college each day and I have my son Michael and her son Curtis to chase aboout after each day. Don't get me wrong, it's great for my weight loss, and I enjoy watching them interacting with each other too. It's just darned hard work !

So... I am 6 weeks 1 day away from going for my plastics. I am scared about leaving Al and the kids behind and going away for the week again. With everything up in the air here it's not going to be easy to leave at all. I will miss them all sooooo much. BUT, my tummy and my boobs need to be done. I can't stand the way I am right now. My tummy is a wrinkly mess or loose skin in folds, and my boobs, well, I could actually cry about them. They are saggy, wrinkly and downright ugly. I know that they are a real turn off for Al now. Things have not been great on the physical front between us for a month or more. He doesn't look at me with that 'look' anymore that reassures me that I am looking fab. He is a boob man, and I am no longer a booby woman. He said this morning that they are not the most attractive things.... verbatum, that's what he said. It was hard to hear, because this is my sexuality that he is affronting. I wish he'd lied or told me that because they are a part of me, he loves them just as much as he did when they were huge, rather than coming out with the cold hard fact that they are not attractive anymore. When I get talking to Patrick Dedoncker, my plastic surgeon, I will ask him to make me huge again. I don't want to be Jordan but I do want a full chest again. Whatever size that ends up, it has to be at least a DD or E. I pray that coming home with a flat tummy and a full chest again will make Alan want me more than he has ever done. I have never wained in my love or passion for him, but then he has not gained 6 stone and lost 9 stone during our relationship.
It was our 7th wedding anniversary last tuesday. I wanted to get all glammed up and go out for dinner, but Al was not up for that. He wanted to drive up the coast and get Fish and Chips and sit in the car and eat them. So I didn't get glammed up, we went and had fish and chips, and went out for about an hour or so. Gee whiz. We gave each other cards although we agreed not to, because he got me one, I had to get him one. He said that it would be a waste to go out for dinner when I can't eat much. I managed a small fish ( I removed the batter and ate the fish only) and a few chips, which was not bad for me at all.
On a lighter note, pushing a tandem buggy about Larne with two 2 year olds in it works wonders for weight loss. I am currently 11 stone 6 and have lost 9 stone 1lb in total. Even if I only get another 6lbs off before I go to Brussels then I will be happy.
Right.... I'd better go and get these kids out of the house for an hour or so, tire them out so the little ones go for a sleep after lunch time. I still have an ironing pile the size of Larne to work through, so I need them to sleep so I can get that done. Oh, and I have work tonight too... oh joy.

Saturday, 28th July 2007

2007-07-28T11:17:00.000+01:00

What a week !! It started on monday morning when I was just home from night shift. I needed to make a few phone calls to make sure everything was ok for my parents to go to Brugge for their operations next week, because they were just back from their holiday and had been taking anti-inflammatories while away. Got that sorted out, and then decided to call the plastic surgeon in East Grinsted, to get the price of my boobs. She told me that the price was going to be 6875 plus accommodation because they wanted me to stay over there for over a week. I told her that I could not be away from my kids for that length of time. She said that he would not do the operation on me unless I stayed. I was not keen on being pressured this way, especially when that was the price they were asking for it ! My thoughts therefore turned to having the whole thing done in Belgium with Dr Patrick Dedoncker. I have heard great reports of his handiwork, and so I sent him an email. His price was hand over fist cheaper than Nduka, even with accommodation and flights added. I decided there and then that I was going to pass up on the NHS Tummy tuck in favour of having one operation to do everything in Belgium for a cheaper cost. OK, some may shout at me for that. I know that I was very very lucky to be having my plastics on the NHS at all, but it would have been foolish to have spent more money on the Boobs in London when I can get the whole lot done cheaper abroad. I hope that the funding can be used for someone else now.
So, we exchanged emails all week, and Patrick Dedoncker has me booked in for October 30th at 7am. I booked the flights for me and Lorraine, the hotel Eurovolley Centre, which by all accounts is a pretty basic place to stay, but servicable for our needs, and they will collect us from the airport, arrange a taxi to the hospital, and bring us back to the airport to come home. The budget is quite tight, but I will be ok. I know that I will have 4 weeks off work to recover fully post op, and have money in the account to cover that time off. I am not going to rush back and potentially damage my new body. I want to be totally ready.
How am I feeling about it? There are two feelings going on here. I am apprehensive about leaving Al and the kids again, although it's only a few days, I am still going to be away from them when I am having surgery again and that's hard on us both. The other emotion is sheer elation that in 93 days time my body will no longer have a big tummy flap, and my boobs will no longer resemble a couple of worn out walnut shells. I will have the flat tummy and pert boobs that I have always dreamt of, and I just can't believe that it's going to happen to me !!!! 3 months will fly past I am sure, so I am going to do my darndest to get this last stone shifted asap. If I lose more than that then that is even better ! I have been exercising this week, doing sit ups, cycling on the turbo trainer and using my cross trainer. Everything has to help doesn't it? I am feeling really restricted eating wise. I tried to have some noodles the other night but they got stuck and I could not manage more than a couple of forkfulls. Not a bad thing really though....
Other things going on.... my laptop keyboard was causing me come concern because some of the keys were not working properly so that has gone away to be fixed. I am struggling with my old laptop which has the u key missing off it !! I have hijacked Al's computer which I am sure is annoying him, but I need it for email ! I can't wait for my puter to be back. I miss it !!!!!!! They took it on Wednesday morning, and they told me 7 - 10 days, so that's anytime between tuesday and friday coming. Hurry up !!!!!!!!!
Mum and Dad are going on monday to Brugge. I can fully appreciate how they are feeling, although they will have each other for company, so that has to be better than me when I was there alone. Marc has arranged a room for them both to share in the hospital. I trust Bruno emphatically, and know that he will do what is right for them both. I am excited for them to be getting this done, but at the same time, I can't see their trip away soon enough. I just want them home and post op asap ! I found out that Louise will be over there at the same time, supporting her sister in law and her friend who are also having RNY's, so I called her, and asked her to check in on my parents for me, and to let me know if they are ok. She's such an answer to prayer. What are the odds that she would be over there at the same time? Zillions to one ! Louise, if you are reading this, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. You being there at the same time is truly miraculous.

Thursday 19th July, 2007

2007-07-19T10:22:00.000+01:00

We have just got home after a week at Center parcs ( yes, it's spelt that way !) and we had a good time. What a difference a year has made in my life ! We were at Center Parcs last year and although we went swimming each day, we didn't really do anything else that was remotely sporty because I was limited by my weight. This year though.... we walked miles every day, swam, played tennis, and I went horse riding !! Me... on a horse !!! YES !!!
My horse was called Nigel, and it did not keel over and die when I sat on it, nor did it's knees buckle beneath him ! We had a slow ride which was lovely, and I really enjoyed myself. I am so proud that I achieved this little goal - I never could have imagined it this time last year !

So, now we are back I am getting my head around the fact that I have surgery looming in 3 1/2 months time. I desparately want to get at least another stone off AT LEAST, but it's slow going. I measured myself this morning to see if my lack of lb loss was compensated with inch loss instead, but apart from losing another inch on my boobs ( I really cannot spare anymore there !!) things have not changed. I am a little disgruntled about it really, because with that much exercise I really thought I would have shed some weight. I set up the 5th bedroom yesterday as a gym. I have a sit up thing, the turbo trainer on my bike, and my cross trainer. I then set about having a workout that had me sweating like a pig and my legs are still jelly today. I have not lost any weight at all ! aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Mum and Dad are back from their cruise on saturday, and then have a week or so until they leave for their surgery in Brugge. I am apprehensive for them of course, but also very excited about the health benefits it will afford them both in the future. I know they will be in safe hands with Dr Dillemans and that he will do a good job on them, but knowing they are both away in a foreign country having surgery at the same time worries me. I kind of wish I could be there but it's impossible. I have to be here to work and for the kids. They will be ok. I will just not settle until they are done and home !!

I am wearing size 16 jeans which are loose on me. I love the feeling of my bones that are no longer buried in fat. It's wonderful ! My neck has turned scraggy again, but I keep appying the moisturiser and see what happens. When I lie down, my ribs stick out but my boobs are seriously sad. Al was poking them last night and saying how wierd ( in a good way) it will be to see my boobs pointing upwards, and to have a flat tummy. Part of me can't wait, but the other part of me is dreading being away from Al and the kids again, and having a painful operation. I keep telling myself that it is only one day when the operation happens... and then that is it over and done with. I seriously hope it is !

Friday 29th June, 2007

2007-06-29T15:19:00.000+01:00

I had a very very long conversation with Tracy last night, a fellow member of the WLS info forum, who had her plastic surgery on TV onthe Extreme make over programme. Her surgery was done at the McIndoe Centre and I was really grateful for her insight into plastic surgery. I hope she did not feel like I had picked her brains out !! It was a great conversation and seems we have loads in common too. She's a star and I really hope to meet her when I go to have my surgery, if she comes to visit. I really hope you do Tracy - if you are reading this :)
So, I have to add a sports bra, and magic knickers to my shopping list for October time. I will need these for a little while post op to keep me in shape. I cannot fathom what it must feel like to feel down and not feel a flap of skin there. Tracy said that she felt her tummy and boobs and wondered who they belonged to ! I can imagine it's going to be wierd ! Boobs facing straight ahead ! WOW !
I am so annoyed at myself for not making a note of what I wanted to blog today. It was on my mind yesterday, and now it's gone. WHAT was it ?! It was how I was feeling about something...
Ugh... I will let you know if and when I remember !

I tried on some clothes that have been sitting in my wardrobe that were too small for me a fortnight, and this morning they fit me !! I had a pair of hipsters which obviously I didn't realise were hipsters at the time of purchase, which were laughing at me saying ' fit round you.. I don't think so ' every time I opened my wardrobe. Now they go round me... well, around my flap !... but they are Hideous - with a capital H. My midrif just sticks out over the top and because it's just floppy skin there is nothing I can do about it ! What a lovely image I have given you dear readers ! Give me 4 months guys and I will be able to pull jeans of any shape on without having to fold my flap into them ! I am so looking forward to being able to put a bra on without having to manipulate myself into it. My boobs are just plain depressing. No two ways about it.

The kids finished school this morning, and are now off until September. In a way I am looking forward to having them about and enjoying the summer together, but in another way, and any parent will understand where I am coming from here, I will miss my peace and quiet ! It's nice to get them off to school and be able to come home with Michael and have a quiet morning, or go shopping with him, just him and me, and not have 2 other kids wanting and needing and asking for stuff all the time. It's going to feel wierd this time next year though, when Michael is about to start nursery in September ! He's just a baby ! How can he be starting school in a year? Rachel was all pleased with herself today because she got Pupil of the month awarded to her today. It's a great boot to her self esteem for the summer holidays. She was really pleased with herself, and quite rightly so. She's come on well this year. Now I have just a week to pack for Centre Parcs and I can tell you, I can't wait ! It might rain all week, but I don't care. We will be away and spending lots of time together, relaxing and enjoying being a family. Hope Frances behaves herself ! There are advantages and disadvantages to taking your mother in law on holiday with you... advantage is you have a built in babysitter, disadvantages are, you have to watch your p's and q's ! Anyway.... we are all looking forward to it and we are going to have a good time.

Going back to this looming operation of mine.... I am beginning to let it dawn on me that I am going away again. It's so crap for Alan to be away from me and visa versa. It would be so lovely if he could even fly over for the day to see me. Wonder what the air fare is. Frances could cope with the kids for one day. I just know I will be missing him so much, and I want him to be a part of my transformation, so seeing me in the McIndoe would be really good. Perhaps not though.. perhaps being there when I get back on the monday will be better because I will have had some time to recover a little. Ugh... I dunno. We need to talk about it a bit, see what is right to do.

OK.. I still cannot remember what I wanted to blog about, and I have run out of stuff for now. If I remember, I will put in another entry for today !

Thursday 26th June, 2007

2007-06-28T18:40:00.000+01:00

What an exciting week it's been !
I had a phone call from the plastic surgeon's secretary last week and she was all but pencilling me in for my tummy tuck on October 4th. When I mentioned my boobs being done at the same time though she had to rub that out as I needed a longer theatre slot for boobs as well. She asked what I was having done to my boobs and as we had not talked about them at my consultation in March, I didn't know. So she asked me to see him at the weekend for a consultation and get things sorted. I saw him on Sunday just gone for a consultation and I was right to leave my dignity at home that day ! I was given a little cape thing, and told to remove my top. He measured me from the neck to the nipple on both sides and then told me that they should be at 21cm but mine were at 30cm ! 9cm droopy ! Then he went on to mold my right breast like a lump of play dough into a perky uplifted number ! Al and I had talked extensively about breast surgery, and we'd decided that due to the weight loss from the top part of my breast, I'd need an implant. I felt I would probably need both an uplift and an implant, and since the implant needed a cut under the breast anyway, having an uplift at the same time would be no big deal. All I want at the end of the day is a chest that I can look down at and be happy with. It was important to me that Al was there for the consultation because this is all part of my sexuality and he is the one that that matters the most to me. If he doesn't like my plastic surgery or is not happy with what I am left with post op then it would be bad ! He was happy as I was with the decision that I should have an uplift and implants, although the implants cannot be chosen until I get there in October because I am still losing weight and likely to be a dress size or so less by then. ( Here's hoping !).
We talked about types of implant, and he is using a silicone round implant for me, with a lifetime guarantee which means I won't have to go back to theatre to get it replaced in the future which was a concern for me. He poked my tum about a bit too, and confirmed that I would have a water melon type tummy tuck with a bit of lipo at the sides to help prevent any dog ear bits at the side. I was really enthused coming away from the appointment.
I phoned the secretary back on monday and she gave me a tentative date of 25th October ( how ironic that this was the date since it would be my 1 year opiversary!). Then she phoned me again on tuesday and confirmed November 1st for the surgery. It is no longer pencilled in either. It's inked in ! The PCT have approved funding and we are good to go. YIKES !
It was a close thing apparently because back in March I did not meet the criteria ( and in theroy I still don't !) but since I saw him again at the weekend, they can take my consultation date as that date and operate within the next 6 months. That is how we got November 1st. I wondered if I had not been paying for boobs at the same time privately if he would have been as keen to keep me on the list. I would hope so, but either way, it's ok !! I am on the list and I am going to be 'done' on November 1st. Al has booked annual leave and now all I need to do is find a travelling companion. Ellen is away, and Kathryn can't come cos it's her daughters birthday. I have asked Lorraine so we will see if the new date suits her and she can make it. Mum and Dad will be coming up to see me probably too.
I know it's going to be hard on Alan and the kids, my being away again, but this is the last time. I don't intend to have any more surgery !! Being away from them near killed me before, but this is a shorter time away thank god, so I will survive and so will they. Al seems quite excited about the surgery for me. Don't know if this is the thought of my new jubblies or being pleased for me to be having the body I have always wanted. Probably a mix of the two !!

Tuesday 19th June 2007

2007-06-19T10:20:00.000+01:00

Well, lots has happened since I was last here blogging. My parents are booked for surgery in Brugge on August 3rd, which is exciting and scary all in one. Turns out that Leeds is harder to get to and from than Brugge is ! The cost difference is something else to ! Nearly £10k of a difference between surgery costs alone. Anyway, it's all good. I am happy that they are going to Dr Dillemans and that he will look after them. He is a top bloke and I trust him 100% with them. Of course the risks are high with age and present co morbidities already riding against them, but they are in the best hands and the following weight loss will only serve to make their health a whole heap better. I am hoping Mum's mobility improves and that her back pain goes away. I am hoping that without a tum my Dad's breathing gets a whole heap better too. Funny thing though, I can't imagine either of them being slim !! I guess they have been this way for as long as I can remember so seeing them any other way will be wierd (in a good way !!)
What else... oooh, yes, I had a fab day last Thrusday. Alan and I went to collect our new car. It's an MG TF 160 special edition sports car, 2 seater convertible. It's yummy !! It was in Daventry just south of Birmingham airport, so we asked Frances to look after the kids that day, and Darren came and took us to the city airport where we caught the 7.10am flight to Birmingham. It was the flight I used to take to go back to Leamington all those years ago. Felt a bit wierd to be booking in to that same flight, although fantastic because I was not leaving Alan this time, he was right there beside me ! So.. the moment of truth.... climbing the steps to the plane - easy peasy and not purple by the time I got to the top...... walk down the aisle without my backside touching either set of seats beside me !!! Then I looked at the seat and though... ok.. here goes. Will I fit ?.... YES I DO. Plop.. in I went, into the seat with room to spare !! Then the belt, will I need an extension ?..... NOPE !!! There was lots of slack too ! hee hee !! Last challenge... the table. Will it or won't it... YES IT DOES !!! Oh how happy was I !? I even took a photo !
So then we got to the airport and then a taxi took us to Daventry and the car was sitting there looking great. It's a limited edition, they only made 500 of these beauties, so we were happy with it and the price too ! We did the paperwork, got in and drove off. We were close to Leamington, so we went via my old house to see what it was looking like now. They have built on a brick carport and porch. I am guessing they added a downstairs toilet there too. It was looking nice, but I still don't miss that stair bulkhead !! It was so low you'd bang your head on it every time you came down the stairs ! Then we took a ride over to see Eileen and John. She was absolutely stunned to see me and I was over the moon to see her too ! She said I was looking fantastic and she could not believe who was standing in front of her ! She and John are both looking great too, and it was a real tonic to see them both. We then left and drive through the pouring rain to the port of Holyhead in North Wales. It was not raining so bad in Wales and I got to drive a little way there. We got the HSS fast ferry across to Dublin and even that was a treat for us.... no kids to chase about the boat, to entertain, keep safe, and amused. We wandered about the boat hand in hand, and sat and had a cup of coffee, and then finally cuddled up and fell asleep. It was lovely ! We were home for 9.15pm and we went and checked the kids while Frances drove home in her new Fiesta !
Al has spent the last few days loving that car, and getting it polished and shiney and the attention to detail would scare you ! We ordered a hard top for it which came the day before we got the car. The courier company, parcelforce, got a bit heavy handed with it and managed to break the corner but because it's fibre glass resin, it is not covered on their insurance cover, so we have had to fix it ourselves. We got a fibre glass kit though and it is sorted now, and Darren is going to spray it silver for us so it matches the car in the winter. Al put new tyres on the back yesterday too, and got the front ones balanced, so it's all going well and feeling solid again. He is so happy to have this car and I am so happy that we have one again too. For all the reasons we made to get ride of the 135 that we had before, the main reason we sold it was that I was too fat to drive it. I was unable to get the seat belt around me as well as bring the seat forward so I could reach the peddles, so I was for ever crunching the gears. It was hard on the suspension too because it had been lowered, and was not the most comfortable of rides, and then I was pregnant with Michael, so it became impractical for us in the long run. He never once blamed me though, or accused me of being a fat lardy arsed girl, and that shows what a lovely bloke he is. He never made out that he minded that much, but deep down he must have. I feel so much better now though, that he has another MGTF because puts things right in my mind. I can put the belt around me and move the seat forward, and enjoy the drive as much as him now and WOW, what a car it is !! A flying machine ! A funny thing that I noticed when we were coming home though..... I thought I was sitting on my coat funny or that something was wrinkled under my bum because there was something poking into me. I felt down, and you know what.. it was not a clothing item poking into me at all... it was my coccyx ( tail bone) of my spine !! I had padding there before and it's gone now ! My bum was sore !
This last stone has been mighty difficult to shift. I was 13stone 12 for a fortnight, and then 13 stone 9 for another fortnight, and then 13 st 5 ( so I thought it was shifting again.... pah) then 13 stone 9 again ( WHAT? It went up ?!!!!) and then 13st 5 and then 13 st 3, and today I am 13 st 1lb. Tomorrow is officially my weigh day but I am working tonight, and I find that if I work, I tend to weigh heavier than I would first thing after waking up. I will weigh myself again on Thursday and see what I am, and probably put that weight in for this week. Here's hoping it's 13 stone nothing, or even 12 stone something !! 12stone anything will be incredible ! I need to be 12 stone 10 to be eligible for my plastics, so the sooner I get those few lbs off the better. I would need to be 11 stone by the time I get my plastics in an ideal world. I am guessing that I have 7lbs of skin to have removed, so that will take me to a 'normal' BMI of 25 at 10 stone 7lbs. How wonderful will that be !?! I can't imagine ! My friend Jayne had her tummy tuck this weekend just gone and is home already. I am thrilled for her to have had this, she's been waiting for such a long time poor thing. I can understand totally if she is peeved at me for getting my plastics so relatively soon but it's not like I went out there asking for it to be sooner. They called me !! Even now though, I am not 100% convinced I am going to get my plastics on the NHS without a longer wait, but hey ho, let's keep things crossed that I will get it done by christmas. She only went on Friday I think and had the surgery on saturday and was home on monday. That's fast !! I can cope with a couple of nights away from the kids and Al, as long as it's not 8 days like it was in Brugge. That really emotionally killed me, although the results were worth it !
Rachel and Aidan are about to finish their school year and they have had a good year really. Aidan's teacher has gone off on the sick for the rest of the school year, but his P2 teacher is just back from her sick leave/maternity leave, so she has been teaching the P1's for these last few weeks and getting to know them and will follow them into P2 next september. Whether we will still be living here by then I don't know. The house is still on the market but we cannot find anything else that we love as much as the Ballyhornan house. I really was in love with that place and even though it is still on the website and showing as for sale, I have my doubts it's going to still be there when we finally get any offers on this place. Then I am thinking 'is it worth the hassle of moving?' since the kids are settled and happy and we seem to be managing ok at the moment with the mortgage, and can remortgage next february and get the cost down a bit. I just don't know what to do for the best. Time will tell I guess. Just leave it on the market and see what happens.
Michael just turned 2 last sunday and is a wee angel. We could not have asked for a better baby boy. He's a delight to look after, so laid back and happy ! I cannot believe that this time next year I will be getting him ready to go to nursery school !! Where is my baby !? He's not a baby any more ! lol ! When he goes to school, I will not know what to do with my time ! I will have a peaceful house and no kiddies under my feet, so I will be able to go and visit and do the shopping without any prams or nappies ! It is going to feel wierd. I hope I adjust ok. It's not like I want any more babies anyway, but I am just so used to there always being one here when the others are at school ! It might be very liberating !
This blog is getting long, but I wanted to fill you in on how things were going on in my life. I am a busy chick really ! I am working on 6C at the Royal Victoria Hospital which is an upper GI surgery ward. I really like being in the same place all the time and being a member of the team. It's very educational for me too because surgery is not really my thing, but I am loving this. Surgical patients are far more independent than medical ones !! lol
That's enough typing for now. I will try and post a blog again soon... but don't hold your breath, you should know me by now !!

Sunday 22nd April, 2007

2007-04-22T15:12:00.000+01:00

I had a lovely experience this morning. I was walking through the lobby at the Royal ( the hospital) and I saw some mates I used to work with on 7C, so I walked over to them. One of the nurses had not seen me since probably before my operation, and her chin really did hit the floor. It was such a buzz for me to get this reaction because it really does show me what a massive achievement I have made. She then asked all the usual, how much, and how, and where and when etc, which is fine by me, I love talking about my operation ! So, my friends from 7C, thank you for this morning. You made my day and I really appreciate your kind words of encouragement !

So.. what else has been happening. Well, we had our week in Frinton visiting my parents. Their reaction was favourable too, with Dad saying that I actually look better than he had imagined ! Not quite sure how to take that, but I think it was a complement ! They are now booked to go and see Simon Dexter in Leeds on May 25th to see about some form of Bariatric surgery for themselves. I hope Simon considers Mum for the RNY, and Dad for the Sleeve Gastrectomy. I think this would be the best option for both of them. The trip over and back was a long way for the kids but they really behaved themselves and it was a good week had by all. I ate more than usual while there though, and put a couple of lbs on, but I have them lost again now and then some, so that is ok.

We are still waiting on the right people to come along and buy our house. We have the house of our dreams sitting waiting on us, but no buyer as yet for this one. Here's hoping that it works out ok and they come along soon. I would be so gutted to lose out on the other one because of delays here.

Am in size 16 jeans now and feeling good. I got wolf whistled a couple of weeks ago too, and spent at least 5 hours with a grin on my face !! I am sure Al was bemused by it all, but I have no recollection of ever being wolf whistled before, and I am certain that 6 months ago it really would not have happened. Al said that these guys were just seeing now what he had seen all along, that I am sexy ! Grin got even bigger after that !! Oh, and while we were away, he pulled a pair of jeans out of the hold all and said, 'Are these yours or mine. It's getting hard to tell now !' my reply... ' Yessssssssssssssss' by way of triumph at this simple comment !!!

That's about it.... nothing much more to add.

Sunday 1st April 2007

2007-04-01T16:09:00.000+01:00

Oh my gooness it's been ages!!! Sorry for not being a very dedicated blogger this past while. I have no valid excuses!!

OK, so here I am 6 stone 2 off, 22 weeks post op 14 stone 5lbs and wearing a size 16-18. I am very happy with my progress so far, although we are going to see my parents next week and I would have given my right arm to be a size 14 by then. Never mind, I am looking considerably better than I was the last time they saw me, and I think I will still give them, and my mate Pauline the 'WOW' factor when they first clock me !!
Pauline is one of my dearest friends, but I did not tell her about my operation. I wonder if she is reading this now ( subsequent to seeing me next week and being suitably gob smacked to check out my website !) and thinking... daft cow, why didn't she tell me? Well, I didn't tell you for a few reasons !! I didn't tell many people at all about my surgery. I didn't want anyone to try and talk me out of it, and I didn't want anyone to critisise me for opting for the surgery without hearing all the facts behind it, not that I thought you would do either, but we are not face to face very often and to have that kind of conversation could run up quite a phone bill ! Secondly, I knew that we'd be over at some stage after I'd lost a decent amount of weight, and I was using this trip as a target for my weight loss so I could see the look on your face when you saw me. Believe me, you were one of the ones at the front of my mind when I was having the operation. I hope you are pleased for me and see that this operation has made a real and amazing change to my life, and put a smile back on my face, which is now somewhat slimmer than it used to be !!
Yes, perhaps I should have let you in on my secret, especially if things had not gone to plan in Brugge and something terrible had happened to me, but it was a choice I made at the time, and believe me, having your reaction to work toward has been very helpful all these months !

OK... what else has been happening in the last month.... well, we have put our house on the market, and we have found the most beautiful bunglow imaginable. We are over the moon with the thought that we will be living there one day, hopefully sooner rather than later. It's gorgeous. We even started packing today ( and my back is reminding me of that fact right now as I sit here typing !!) and I realise I really am one hell of a hoarder !! I have chucked out stuff today though which is great for me, although a little traumatic if truth be known !! I also found stuff in the loft that I have been looking for since we moved 3 years ago so that was good !!!

I went to the WLS support group meeting yesterday and it was brilliant to see everyone again. I didn't get to the last one and I really missed it. Seeing everyone again really made my day. Kathryn is off to Leeds to go under the skilled and trustworthy handiwork of Simon Dexter and I could not be happier for her. I keep sending her positive vibes, hoping she is receiving them and knowing that she is going to be just fine. Eileen is looking superb, with the weight just dropping off her apace ! Marj is off for her plastics soon, and is Ruth. It's all happening. Best of all was seeing the boys, Paddy Joe and Ian. Paddy is only 1 week post op and has a grin like a cheshire cat on him, and Ian is looking healthier than I have ever seen him yet. Brilliant news for both of them and I am so relieved that they are both through their respective surgeries without any complications.

Finally, just before my 36th birthday in March, I got a phone call from the McIndoe Centre in East Grinsted. They were inviting me to attend the Ulster Hospital for a plastics consultation. I told them that I was not ready, and that although I had lost 6 stone, I still needed to loose 4. He told me that as long as this is off within the next 6 months they should still be able to do the op. I was floundered !! So I went for the appointment on my birthday, and have been told that it will probably still happen, but the consultant will see me again in a few months time to reassess me and see if I then meet the BMI criteria. So there I was, top of the world, practically skipping out of the out patients department with glee. I appreciate that some of the WLS members have been waiting for ages, and that they totally meet the criteria set out for the plastic surgery, and I respect that they have a right to be peeved at me, but I honestly did not expect this, nor did I chase it, they simply phoned me up and asked me to attend. I was not going to asked twice, sorry !! I hope that you guys can be happy for me, as I am for you to be getting your plastics soon too.

Right.. I had better go now. It's been a long long day, and I have a mountain of ironing to do and get out of the way before any more viewers come !! I will do my best to blog a little more often and keep you up to date with my news.

Oh.. and one more little plus !!!! I have not only found my collar bones, but was shocked and delighted to see in my photos that they are sticking out !!!! Yipee !!!!

Sunday 25th February, 2006

2007-02-25T08:54:00.000Z

I just worked my first block booking shift on the ward at the Royal Victoria Hospital that has the RNY patients on it. Having been informed that the RNY's had lost their funding, and that there had only been 3 done, I did not expect to see any on the ward ! However, turns out there was a girl last week and there was a girl there last night too, post open RNY. I was not looking after her, but I mentioned to the nurse that I had also had an RNY and if this lady wanted to chat then I would be more than happy to. I went down to see her once I got my patients settled for the night, and found her behind her curtains having a little cry. She was so low, it was clear, and I wanted to offer her a glimpse of her future if she could just see beyond the here and now. She was sore and that was understandable. She said she regretted having the operation but I kept reinforcing that she will feel totally different about this givn a few months and a few stone off. She was so lovely, and I hope if you read this Lisa, you know that I am so happy to have met you last night and had a chat with you. I really hope it helped.
I shared the WLS forum website address with her, and urged her to go to the support group too, and I really hope she does. WLS is hard enough when you have the support of friends on the forum, never mind how isolating it would be without it.
I had a good shift and although it was busy, I am really chuffed to be working there. The staff and the JHO were quizzing me about my op, and the other ops available, and I was more than happy to blather on all night about it !!
Weight loss wise.... I am 3 lbs shy of 15 stone now, which means I need to loose anothe 3 lbs for my next goal ! Size 18 bum and size 20 top !! I have also noticed that when I sit on a hard chair, I can feel my bun bones !!!

Sunday 11th February, 2007

2007-02-11T12:06:00.000Z

I was gutted on Wednesday to stand on the scales and have not lost a single pound this week. My size 20 jeans are getting loose on me, that's a fact, but to not even shift a single pound feels really grim. Anyway, I took more water and more protein, and lost the final 2lbs to get the 5 stone off on Thursday !!! I posted on the forum to announce that I had lost 50% of my excess fat, and got loads of wonderfully positive replies which really gave me a boost. I went on the cross trainer yesterday which I NEED to get doing more often, and lost another 2 lbs. I just need to give myself a jooly good kick up the arse to get going here.
Size 20 jeans... who would have thought it ?!! I never had size 20 jeans. When I was a size 20 before, I would always have worn leggings that stretched around me, but since getting used to wearing jeans, I cannot abide trousers that have no pockets !! I need pockets !! The waistband of the size 20's is actually loose, and I have to keep pulling them up, but it's my tummy flap that is preventing the size 18's from doing up at the mo. I will get there though !! I can't wait to be 14 stone something !! How wonderful ! Even if it takes me another month to lose a stone, by the time we go to Frinton I will be 13 stone then !! I so want to be a size 14 by the time we go there. Even if I am a size 16 though, that's ok. It's still a far cry from what I was last time we were there ! I am looking forward to seeing Pauline's face when she sees me !! lol
If you are reading this over Pauline, just know that YOU were my incentive to get the weight shifted before April and that seeing your face drop is the thing that is spurring me on every time I get on the cross trainer !!!
It's fab to feel my clothes getting loose on me. I wore a jumper that Al bought me a few Christmas's ago, 2 days ago. I had not worn it in a while because it was a little tight on me. Now it hangs on me, but is lovely and warm and snuggly !! My uniform is getting out of hand, but finances are not allowing me to purchase another one right now.
I had a lovely long chat with Irene, another prospective WLS patient, a couple of days ago. It's great to reassure others about the op, as well as have a long natter about the in's and out's of WLS. I got chatting to Louise from Newtownards yesterday too, and we are going to meet up for a coffee soon, before she goes to Brugge. Offering each other support like this is so rewarding. I could talk about WLS til the cows come home. I just love it.
Funny thing dawned on me yesterday too..... I was getting concerned that if the nursing registration body contacted me for evidence of my updating my research what could I possibly provide to proove that I have been researching. Of course I do research and I keep my knowledge up to date, but It's hard to prove that. Then I thought.. doh... my website. For goodness sake, there is weeks and months of research on that site that proves that I have learnt so much about WLS.
Anyway.... life, apart from being so financially strapped it's scary, is pretty good.

Wednesday 24th January 2007

2007-01-24T11:06:00.000Z

Tomorrow is exactly 3 months from my operation, although today is exactly 13 weeks. I have finally sneeked just below the 16 stone weight, to 15st 13 !! Who would have thought that I would have achieved so much weight loss in just 3 months. My target of 2 stone by christmas was blown away, and here I am 4 stone 8lbs lighter than I was on op day. I should be exctatic. I say 'should' because I am miffed that in the last few weeks it's really slowed down and I don't really know why. It's taken me 3 weeks to loose 8lbs, when I was used to losing this amount in 2 weeks max. I know, I know... don't shout at me. I know it's coming off, and I know I should be delighted with any weight loss, but I am losing faith in myself which is not good. I know my clothes are getting looser and I know that I am feeling better about my body shape, I just wish the scales would be my friend again and show the weight loss happening more readily.
I am constipated to the hilt though. It's terrible. I guess the weight it not coming off because I am bunged up.
Anyway.. I will keep this short today. Just wanted to update this, and have a little vent of my feelings.

Sunday 21st January, 2007

2007-01-21T13:53:00.000Z

I have been a little peeved that in the last 2 weeks I have only lost 5lbs however, I am noticing my clothes getting a little looser, so I know that inch loss is happening. I jumped on the scales on wednesday last week and was gutted because I so wanted to get the 4 1/2 stone off by then... don't ask me why, I just did. I was 16st 2 and needed to loose another 2lbs. Anyway.. today I got on the scales ( don't shout at me for weighing myself mid week, I can't help myself) and today I registered 16 stone on the nose... that's the 4 1/2 stone !! I am excited by the prospect of being 15 stone something now, and hoping that in the next couple of weeks things pick up again and I lose more than 5lbs. I should not grumble should I ? 5lbs in 2 weeks is more than I could ever have hoped for at Weight Watchers !! 4 1/2 stone is more than I could ever ever have hoped for at Weight watchers, and I also know that I would never have lost this weight so quickly at any diet club. This RNY has given me a new outlook on what I am fueling my body with and what I put in my mouth. It's fantastic. I no longer crave food of any fashion. I don't feel hungry, and I don't have to eat much to feel full. I made dinner yesterday, with 2 guests at the table, Darren ( Al's mate) and Frances ( mother in law) and I made a chicken dish with white wine and cream homepride sauce mix. I slow cooked it so it was nice and tender and the sauce had a good opportunity to make the chicken nice and soft for me to swallow. I steamed baby potatoes and carrots, sprouts and broccoli which was nice too. I ate too much. I wish I hadn't, but I foolishly ate my veg first ( always have, probably always will) and then the spuds (daft, cos I should have had the chicken) and then realised that the protein was the chicken and I needed that more than the rest of it. I managed most of it. I then had a small ( and I really do mean tiny) portion of apple pie and ice cream but was not able to eat it. I suffered for the rest of the night and it wasn't til I really thought about it that I realised that sprouts are not my friend !!
I took a windeeze tablet when I realised that I had trapped wind, and then let it do it's thing. Those tablets, for any RNYer out there, are a great thing to keep in your medicine cabinet just in case. They really worked for me last night.
My problem this week has been constipation. It's been really rough this week. I managed to shift some but today I am having real trouble getting comfortable. I sit on the loo and nothing happens, no matter how much I wish it would. I have been taking laxatives all week too but clearly they are not helping.
Frances said something to me last night at Bingo though... we were chatting away and I was talking about my 5lb weight loss and how peeved I was, and she said that it was bound to slow down now. I said, no, not at all, I will be in a size 14 by April when we go to see my parents. She laughed and said that IF I get into a size 14 then she will go and get one of these in her too ( referring to the operation which clearly she has been squalking to her daughter about and being advised that I have had a band when I really have not !). I said that I want to be a size 14 by April, but eventually I will be a size 10-12, and then I will have my tummy tuck and boob job. I still think she was under the impression I was joking... ah well !! It just served to reiterate in my mind that her thought process was 'As long as I am not as fat as Marika then I am fine' whereas I am actually already in smaller clothes than her.
Didn't win at the Bingo either !!

Tuesday 16th January 2007

2007-01-16T10:53:00.000Z

It's been an interesting week. I have been talking a lot to my parents about their own weight loss surgery, if it is viable and if it's something that they would be able to adapt to afterwards if they went through with it. It's not the easiest thing in the world to cope with, changing habits of a lifetime to achieve weight loss. I have drafted an email for Dr Dillemans though, on their behalf and I will send it when they send me their medical notes and I can see first hand exactly what is what. Dad is also getting approval from his cardiologist before we proceed so all in all, it's quite exciting for them.
They have been to their GP to get her seal of approval and she is happy enough for them to go ahead, so that is another positive step in the right direction. They told me the GP asked about my excess skin once I have lost all my weight, to which they didn't really have an answer I don't think. They asked me about it later on the phone and I told them that I have been referred for Plastic surgery but the waiting list is about 4 years to even get a consultation. Dad said that when the time comes that I need plastics, then they would fund it for me. WOW !! This is amazing news. I am bowled over ! I can finally dream of a reality that is going to be a flat stomach and pert boobs !! I know my tummy is going to need work, there is no two ways about that, and I suspect my boobs will be heading south since they already are, but the rest of me will be ok. I just want to be able to wear nice trousers without a big bulge in the way. Wear nice bra's without my floppy skin hanging out over the edges, and to not be ashamed of my body. I am even more determined to get this weight off as soon as I can now. I want the 10 stone off by October and then to maintain til after Christmas and then I can book my plastics for this time next year. Possibly sooner, I don't know. It depends on this weight shifting. I am so close to being half way there already !! 4 stone 5lbs today, although I haven't really lost much this week.
My other problem is constipation. OMG !! I know I don't eat much so there is not much to come out the other end, but I haven't been for what feels like days, and I really need to !! I have been taking Bisacodyl every day, but clearly it's not working for me.
I am sitting here in a pair of lovely size 20 trousers, brown and quite dressy, with a brown jumper and a brown poncho over the top. I think I look great today !! It's so nice to be able to get up and get dressed in clothes that make me feel so great. I can do up my size 20 jeans too, but zipping them up would be a challenge. I am happy enough in my 22's for now, and I will wait for another couple of weeks to get the 20's on comfortably. There is no point being squeezed into clothes just for the sake of saying you are a size smaller. They generally look terrible when people do that, like they have been painted on, which just makes you look ridiculous.
Aidan is off school today and yesterday with Scarlet Fever. He is much improved since he started the antibiotics thankfully, but he had me really worried the other night. I had to cancel my shift to stay home and look after him. It would not have been a good idea to have incubated scarlet fever and taken it to hospital with me either though !!
I am feeling really restricted with my eating today. Even a cup of tea was hard work to swallow comfortably this morning. It goes like this some days. It's all part of the learning curve I guess.
I have just finished reading Carnie Wilson's 'I'm still hungry' book about her gastric bypass and how she got her brain around her weight loss too. It was a good read, and she is funny and entertaining, but I could not help but think, 'I wish you'd think for yourself. You go running off to your family, your friends, and most annoyingly, your therapist, before you will make a decision. It's madness !!' It's a very american book, but I enjoyed it, and I could relate to a lot of it too, so I am pleased I read it. I am about to get stuck into her first book, Gut Feeling, which leads up to her bypass, and the desicion to have it.

Tuesday 3rd January, 2007

2007-01-02T18:04:00.000Z

So, here we are, another year and I am feeling guilty for not posting here for ages. To all who might be reading this, Happy New Year. I hope that you have a great one and that you achieve or get all that you wish for yourself in the coming year.
I set myself a target pre op that I would be over the moon if I had lost 2 stone by christmas. In fact I had lost 3 1/2 stone, and am now just 1lb shy of 4 stone weight loss since my op ! I am bowled over by this achievement, especially since it really has not been that hard to achieve !
I don't get hungry, and I really have very little appetite at all which makes it easier to deal with my RNY. I have been neglecting my exercises which kind of went on hold over the Christmas season. I went on the cross trainer today though !!
Had an interesting Christmas and New Year. Mother in Law was with us and I have no idea what is going on with her, but she was getting pretty catty with me, and I don't know why. She wanted to take over the Christmas dinner, which was NOT alright by me this year ! The last time she spent Christmas with us, I was pregnant with Michael and was feeling so ill that I could not look at the raw turkey sideways without heaving ! I was grateful for her being here then, but this time I was healthy and well, and ready to make a feast for us all, even if I was not going to be able to eat much of it !
She did the stuffing with the kids, which has become a little ritual and they love it. She stuffed the turkey on Christmas Eve, which was fine too. She had the turkey in the oven before I even knew it on Christmas day though, and then clapped her hands together and said that she would get the ham going. I said that the ham was an expensive ready prepared one, and it just needed to go in the oven for the last 1 3/4 hours. 'Oh, I have never had one like that' she said kind of down her nose at me ! Then I went to peel the veg and she was already there doing the potatoes and sprouts, leaving me the carrots but only because I had hold of them and I was not going to let to take them off me !
I was trying to split my time between the kids and the dinner, so I intended to get the roast potatoes par boiling at 12.30 and then into the oven for the last hour of the turkey cooking time. I thought MIL had gone to the loo but she came back into the room and said she had put the ham and roasties in already. I said ' When did you par boil them?' ' Oh, I don't par boil mine, I just put them straight in, why, do you?' ' Yes, I do' so I went and pulled them out of the oven and par boiled them. She came in behind me and started poking things about on the cooker and making sarcey comments about my cheese sauce, making out it was burnt when it flippin wasn't ! She said she had never made cheese sauce before. She said she was going to do something else too, but I had to say to her quite strongly that I could manage thank you very much !!
Her presents to me... 3 new saucepans - yes, I needed some, but they are gifts for the house not for me !! My second gift was some sewing scissors which was handy, and a handbag, which she got as a freebie back last february. She bought something from fashion world and it was the incentive thing... the handbag. She got sent 2 because she bought something off JD williams too. She gave me one of the handbags back in february, and has clearly forgotten because now I have 2, neither of which did she have to actually buy. There was a mystery gift under the tree which was cylindricle and squishy, and I left it til the last one. I opened it late afternoon and what was it... what could it be... 10 dishcloths. OMG. She bought me dishcloths. Words escape me. I went to a lot of trouble to get her stuff that she would like and find useful and we personal to her, but this was just plain bitchy. She invited us to dinner on the wednesday after christmas, having seen me only eat a sliver of ham and struggle with it on christmas day, she served up ham. Her ham... cooked the way SHE likes it ! Al said that mine was much nicer !! Love him ! She then handed him a present... a cardigan, zip up thing, with pockets and cable knitting, and suede shoulders !! It was totally hideous ! He was not impressed and said that it looked like it was for an old guy. She said no no... and older look would not have suede on the shoulders. Holy cow.. she has no idea !! She handed me some toiletries, making no secret that she won it at bingo. In fact the toiletries are quite nice.. sea salt scrub and mits, not so sure about the shower cap !! I took Al's cardy back to BHS with it's labels intact and exchanged it for a nice new size 20 chemise and a pair of jeans for me !! So, She did buy me something nice for Chistmas little did she know it !! lol
New years eve I worked 4c fractures at the Royal. The chimes were about to ring out and we were still busy, but we were able to stop and toast each other with a half cup of shloer. There was no time to explain that I could not have any. I didn't want to offend anyone, so I took a small sip, but within 3 mins I was dumping ! I did not feel sick with it but I was feeling faint, and I was clammy with palpitations. Not a great feeling !! It passed within about 30 mins, but then I needed to explain to the other staff why I had reacted. They were all very interested and supportive of what have had done. I hope this time next year there is money in the bank to allow me not to have to work either Christmas or New year. I missed Al so much.
Anyway.. I have to go and sort the kids out now, get them bathed and into bed. Al is back to work today and I miss him being here to share the kiddie care.

Thursday December 7th 2006

2006-12-07T18:35:00.000Z

I have not blogged for a while, and for that I am annoyed. I did not intend to let it lapse. It's been a mad time here, but the weight loss is going great.
To date I have lost 2 stone 8lbs. I guess I will look back at this in months to come and think 'pah' to that, but right here right now, I am thrilled with my weight loss. To be 17 stone anything is a first in over 5 years !!
I went to Bingo with Frances ( mother in law) the other day and she said that my jeans were falling off me. She was right, but at the same time, I am so used to being big that it did not occur to me that I might need to change them soon !! It was the push I needed. I went to Asda the next day after dropping Rachel and Aidan at school. I knew that Asda went up to size 26, and I did not want to spend too much money on new clothes because it would be a waste. So, into Asda I went, and I found some nice jeans, size 26. I held them up against myself and thought, 'you know, these are too big', so I put them back and lifted the 24's. I told Michael ( ok, he's only 17 months old at this stage) that I was going to buy them, even if they only got up to my knees !! We took these trousers home, and I tried them on. Michael stood watching ( ready to applaud perhaps) and to my amazement, they got past my knees. They even got past my thighs !! They went right up to where they were supposed to be, and then came the next challenge. Do they do up?! Michael held his breath, and to my utter joy, they did up !! My backside has not been in size 24's for many many many years !! I was so pleased I called Alan and told him ! He thoroughly approved of them when he got home too. Tight in all the right places !!! lol

I am having a rough week this week. Aidan started the ball rolling with feeling poorly last friday. I took him to the health centre and he was given antibiotics for tonsilitis. Then I found Rachel's hamster had died on sunday so we had the tears and the funeral to cope with there, and then replacement of the pet with 3 goldfish. Then on Sunday night, Michael started squealing all night. He and I came downstairs to allow the rest of them to sleep upstairs, but he did not settle for another 2 1/2 hours until he finally gave up and fell into an exhausted sleep. He coughed and woke himself up 1/2 hour later. I did not sleep at all. He was on antibiotics that day.
Then Al said he was not feeling well, and neither had I but I had not broadcast it. Then Rachel started up on tuesday night, so I managed to get her and us both antibiotics. So that was us all on medication. It has been like a drug round in the mornings here. Rachel seemed better on wednesday morning, so I took her to school. I went to Glengormley to help Frances choose a new chest freezer, and once that was in her house and installed, we went to a garden centre. Then I got a call from the school to say Rachel was unwell and needed me to come and collect her. It was 1pm by the time I got there, and she had a temp of 39.5 so we went up to the house and got her some calpol, and then back in the car down to the school to get Aidan at 2pm, and then back up home to call Barbra's mum and arrange to drop Jennifer round to her house rather than bring her up to me, and risk getting this bug. Then I had to take a car load of sick kids back to the school to get Jennifer at 3pm and drop her at her Granny's house. It was a lot of to'ing and fro'ing. Rachel was desparate to go to her Brownie party in her Little Red Riding Hood outfit ( thank you Eileen for that !!) but she really was not well enough. The only way to compromise with her was to take her to the party, let her see the leader and then bring her back up home. She looked beautiful in her outfit, but she was realy unwell, and I was glad to get her home.

Then Michael started up last nightevery hour, wailing at the top of his lungs. He is cutting his back teeth though, as well has contending with this runny nose and cough. I was up and down to him all night. He was beside himself this morning, and I got him an urgent appointment with the Doctor. I had him well dosed up with every drug he could have before we went, so his temp was down by the time we saw her. Still, she changed his antibiotics, and we'll see how he goes tonight.

While I was there, I asked her to refer me to the Plastic Surgeons for my tummy tuck because there is a 4 year waiting list, and I might as well be on it as soon as possible to start the wait. I was gobsmacked at just how straight forward it was.... here I was putting myself forward for more surgery !! What am I like? Still, in 4 years time I might be desparate for it, I might even get a flat tummy for my 40th birthday !!!! Good grief, what a thought.

I dumped on Weetabix this morning too. It was not nice. I had a tiny little bit of sugar on it, because I swear I dump on artificial sugar, and it seems I dump on both !! I was hanging over the toilet and Rachel was asking me if I was ok. What was I supposed to say ?

Anyway, that's the update. Christmas is fast approaching, and Al has bought me a beautiful suede jacket for Christmas. It's really lovely. It's a 22, so it does not meet at the moment, but it will. I know it will !! The kids are all excited about what is to come for them. I am looking forward to it too !

I can really feel the weight shifting now, and it's a joy to know that I will never be back to the size I was, ever again.

Tuesday 14th November 2006

2006-11-14T08:35:00.000Z

Feeling rough today. Aidan was sick last thursday and friday, and then Rachel was sick on saturday, and then it hit Alan badly overnight on Sunday night with vomitting and diarrhoea all night. I felt ok until yesterday late morning when I was on my cross trainer when I started getting stomach cramps. I went to bed for an hour or so but didn't feel much better thereafter. I hardly ate anything yesterday because I was feeling so queasy and then last night I threw up. It was so sore, I cannot describe it. Felt rough all night and feeling really rough this morning. Keep getting rectal spasms and the urge to throw up. This is awful.
On a more positive note, I weigh 18st 10 this morning so the weight is still moving.
Going to have a quiet day and see how I go. So glad Alan is not at work today. Could not have coped making the kids breakfasts and lunches. He did it.

Saturday 11th November 2006

2006-11-11T19:15:00.000Z

I started using my cross trainer 2 nights ago, and walking/jogging for 45 mins each night. I have been using Rachel's MP3 player and just closing my eyes and going for it. I don't keep my eyes open because I don't want to look at a boring old room and loose heart, nor look at the calorie counter and get annoyed either, I just want to exercise and feel like I am out in the middle of nowhere having a jog !! I would not dare go outside like this though and go jogging. No way !! This way I can exercise in private and sweat as much as I want, and do my thing, and then go and have a shower once I am through. I was making the most of the time while Al was at work on lates, and rather than sit downstairs and think about eating, I decided to do something much more productive. I really wanted to break the 19 stone barrier. The scales have been sticking their tongue out at me for days now, while my period was on, and bearly shifting a pound. I thought that with the exercise it might give it a little push. Well today, I weighed in at 18st 12 so I am a very happy bunny !! I have not weighed this in a very long time. Here's to the rest of this fat coming off. I shall be overjoyed at every single pound I loose. My clothes are not really feeling any looser yet, but Al said that I have a waistline again now, and my ankles are certainly not swollen like they were... I don't know. It has to be going somewhere !! I would love to think it's my arse, because that is massive, but I just don't know.
Anyway... had a quiet day today. Rachel has been sick all day and feeling sorry for herself. I have been tinkering with the laptop, on and off the forums, chatting to Eileen about sewing machines because we discovered we share the same passion for that !! I skipped lunch because I was not hungry, and I just ate Rachel's chips for dinner which I know was naughty, but they were nice, and she was not planning on eating them. There were only about 6 if that counts !! I wrapped up a load of Christmas presents this afternoon because I didn't want little eyes finding them and going 'oooh, lookie here' ! I have pretty much sorted everyone out, bar the kids big things, so I am pleased with myself.
Still on the antibiotics but feeling pretty good now. The pain is away and I am well on the mend now. That's about it .... til next time !!

Wednesday 8th November 2006

2006-11-11T19:05:00.000Z

OK... little recap from last night. I was getting twinges of pain from my drain site all day, but last night when I lifted Michael into the bath I had to stifle a scream. The pain shot right up to my ribs from the drain site and boy was it sore. There is no bruising evident though, no redness, or heat, just a little swelling but that is all. Anyway, it was sore enough to have me in tears. I called Al and told him, and he was concerned that I had got an infection in it. I went to the Doctors this morning on an emergency appointment and she gave me antibiotics and another week off work. I want to be totally well before going back.I feel better having just taken a couple of them already ! Al called his mother and got her to come and baby sit me while he was at work, and it was lovely to have her here, to chat to and to share the child care. Wednesday is a busy day because I have to go for Aidan at 2pm and then get Rachel and Jennifer at 3pm and then get dinner ready, do homework with Rachel, and then get her to Brownies for 7. To keep taking Michael out every time is hard work ! In and out of the car once is enough on my poor side at the moment without repeating it over and over ! She was able to keep him and Aidan here while I did the rest of the running which was really helpful. I made dinner for us all. I made roast chicken breast for Frances and me, and I pureed mine because I knew it would hurt me otherwise !! I only managed half of my small dinner, but it was nice to eat all together.
Al got home late and found me doing the ironing. He was not happy with me, but the pain is on the left side and I use my right side to do the ironing, and besides that, it would not do itself !!

Monday 6th November 2006

2006-11-11T19:01:00.000Z

The kids went back to school today, and Al has been painting the hall and stairs yesterday and today. We have gone a deep green colour which is really lovely. It really sets off the pine around the doors, and the wooden floor. It was a daring colour but I am pleased we went with it. I helped him by doing the bit under the stairs when Michael went to bed for her morning nap. I didn't overdo anything, just took it easy.
Al goes back to work tomorrow, and worse still, he is on a week of lates which means I have to collect the kids and bath them without his help, and take them to their clubs etc. It's going to be a hard week I reckon.

Saturday 4th November 2006

2006-11-11T18:56:00.000Z

Al drove me into Belfast to go to the WLS support group meeting. It was great to see everyone. Eileen was there and she has just got her date through to be the 2nd ever open RNY patient to have her op done in Northern Ireland. I am over the moon for her !!! She goes into the Royal to have her op on the 29th of this month, not long now !!! I am sure she is excited having waited 5 years for it, but anxious all the same because it's major surgery all the same. It was great to see her, and Marg, and JayJay too. JayJay was very complementary about my state of health, saying I hardly looked like someone who was just 1 1/2 weeks post op !! I really don't feel like I am only just post op either !! I feel great. I took the dressings off today and the wounds are looking really good. I am so pleased.
There were a few new faces at the meeting too, and it was good to get to chat to them about things.

Thursday 2nd November 2006

2006-11-09T16:21:00.000Z

It's so good to be home !! Al got me an appointment with the GP for this afternoon. I am actually looking forward to seeing her, and showing her how well I am doing. I have been taking it easy, enjoying spending time with the kids and Al while he is off work still, and generally mooching about.

We went out for a lovely walk this afternoon before the Doctors appointment. We didn't walk far, but I pushed the pram and I enjoyed getting out and breathing the fresh sea air. We took the kids up to the park for a quick play before we went too. Michael loves the swings and the other two were racing each other down slides !!
At the Doctors, she called my name and then came out of her room to see if I needed any help !! I was walking toward her with a big grin on my face though and I really did not need any help at all!! She was gobsmacked at how well I was doing. I was only 7 days post op but had already lost 11lbs. She was really pleased for me and wanted to hear all about it. She said that since I had told her about my surgery, she had refered 3-4 other patients for NHS surgical intervention. She knows that the waiting list is enormous, but it's a real break through I think ! She read my discharge letter and prescribed me the Zantac that I needed. I got some forceval too to take instead of that vile liquid vitamin drink !!

We had a quiet evening after the kids went to bed, and it's been a good day !

Monday 30th October 2006

2006-11-09T16:18:00.001Z

I never actually thought I would see this day arrive !! I was up at 5am because I finally felt the urge to go to the toilet... you know.. for a sit down. While Ellen was sleeping too, I could take as long as I needed to without her thinking I'd fallen in !! I felt so much better for it too !! I went back to bed and slept til about 9am, then we got up, washed, dressed and in to the breakfast room. Having had a little dump on yesterdays breakfast, I didn't fancy a repeat, so I changed to coffee rather than tea, and changed bread to make the toast. I kept a yoghurt for later and chewed and chewed til the food was mush.I ate the toast, but half way through my second cup of coffee, I got tingling down my arms to my fingers, a cold sweat across me, a sensation of light headedness and nausea. Ewww... horrid. It was sudden and deeply unpleasant. Ellen said maybe we should go back to the room but I could not even walk at that point so we just stayed put til that bit was a better. When the nausea got really awful I felt I had to make a move just in case. We went back to the room and I hung over the loo but I knew that being sick would hurt a lot and so I told myself that this would pass. I would be ok... just go and sit down and rest. Again, it lasted about 30 minutes and then I was ok again. What did it today then? The Jam or the artificial sweetner in the coffee ? Probably never know !!
We went out about 11.30am to find the City bus tour. It was a fantastic little trip. The weather was great and I got loads of photos to show the kids. We went to parts of the city we had not walked to because they were on the outer aspects of the city and too far by foot.
We briefly came back to the hotel and then out for lunch. Guess what... only vegetable soup on offer. I really could not have it again !! I opted for a cheese omlette. It was really nice, I chewed it slowly and I managed half of it. It was lovely. I did not have any ill effects from it either, so I might try that again when I get home. Ellen had this huge bagette sandwich with chicken and pineapple and sweetcorn in it. It looked yummy but impossible for me.
Home... awwww... this time tomorrow I will be back with Alan where I belong !! Yay.
We mooched about town doing the last few odds and sods of shopping and then headed back to do our packing !! OMG, half the case is full of chocolate !! I can bearly close it !! Ellen has borrowed my hospital bag to use as hand luggage because she bought so much stuff it won't all fit in !! We had a right laugh trying to get everything to fit ! lol
I took a shower and am wearing the clothes I will be going home in now, so I am all set. My handbag is bursting too but at least it is all in. My nightie will squeeze in to the bag somewhere.
I paid the hotel bill because we are leaving at 6.30 tomorrow morning. I was glad to get that out of the way to be honest. It was the last big bill of this trip that needed to get paid. Now it is, that is that !
I want to try and get an early night tonight so I am awake for the journey home, and there is less chance that I will feel ill on the way too !! The other reason for the early night is the Christmas factor - the sooner you go to sleep on Christmas eve, the sooner somethink wonderful happen. My 'something wonderful' is leaving the house at 8am to get to me in Dublin for 11.30ish. To be back in his arms will be like heaven. I needed him so badly on Wednesday but for practical reasons it was not possible, but we will make up for that tomorrow. I can't wait to see his face. I have his T shirt with me and many a time I have just buried my face in it and smelt him and had a little cry. Soppy ? Yeah, OK I admit it. I just love this guy to the ends of the earth. Him and the kids mean everything to me and I just feel so alone without them with me. No offense to Ellen, she has been so superb here, and I could never have done this trip without her. I just want to see him, see his face, hold him, kiss him, tell him face to face how much I love him. I have had a little cry today because I want to go home to be with him. I wonder if he has been feeling the same way about me.
I am longing to see my 3 beautiful kids. Little Michaels cheeky face, Aidan's squeezy hug and Rachel's closeness again - my angels. I have missed a whole week in their lives and I will never get that back again, but I hope in the next year they will understand just why I had to go away for this short time but that they were well looked after, and loved no matter how far away I am. I hope they understand and forgive me.
So.. tomorrows plan. Get up and washed, dressed etc about 5ish. Squeeze the unsqueezable into the cases and finally clear up the room. The taxi is booked for 6.30am. She had better be here or else !! The airport is about 2 hours away. 8.30am is the earliest check in anyway - hopefully the roads will be clear because this is a public holiday this week. The flights is at 10.35 Belgian time, 09.35 UK time arriving in Dublin at 11.10. Al will be somewhere close by, I will sense him ! Wonder if it will be like old times....
It's dark outside now too !!! I will be well on my way home by the time it gets light again.

later .... We went to a chinese restaurant for dinner. I hoped that they would do soup that I could eat. Ellen ordered this huge chicken dish with rice, and I had a small bowl of chicken and mushroom soup. It came with whole mushrooms and stringy bits of chicken in a thin soup. I was an idiot. I tried the mushrooms - I thought I chewed it enough, but clearly I didn't. I have suffered these stomach cramps - and I mean, serous pain here, for 4 hours now. There was one moment where I thought I would not make the flight home tomorrow. I have been lying here with my poor little stomach churning and in spasm. Awful pain... what the hell have I done to myself here ? I felt sick and thought, oh hell, this is going to hurt, and yes, it did a little. I threw up the tiniest amount of undigested food, and a tiny bit of blood, and that was that. I felt better. So much for my early night. The cramps have gone over now, so I will try and settle and get some sleep. Ugh.. not the end to the trip that I had envisaged. We sat in the market square tonight which was lovely. It's such a beautiful place to see, but I am looking forward to going home now.

Tuesday 31st October 2006

2006-11-09T16:18:00.000Z

Still reliving the horror of last nights dinner ! I was so close to phoning Marc and asking him to take me to Hospital. How could I be so stupid. Al sounded annoyed at me on the phone last night too. I won't do that again in a hurry.
I slept fairly well over night. I was so scared of not being able to catch the flight home, through my own stupidity.... anyway. We were up at 5.30am. I decided there was not that much that needed to be done so the extra 1/2 hour in bed would be ok. Ellen was dead to the world !! She is not a morning person !! lol
My tummy was so sore that I had to open up my case and get a zantac out. I managed to squeeze my nightie and makeup back into the case too before closing it and locking it !! How it all went in I will never know !!
I was washed, dressed, got my make up on and had 1/2 a yoghurt to eat. I felt much better. I took zantac and paracetamol, the latter was a precautionary measure for the journey although I really did not need them. I drank my first 500ml of water too !! We waited on the taxi from 6.10am out the front of the hotel. She was late and did not arrive until 6.40am but it was ok. She had us at the airport by 8.20am
I called Al to let him know we were at the airport. He was still sleeping and Rachel answered the phone !!
We checked in - my case weighed 19.1kg, and Ellens was 18.9kg !! Most our cases were weighed down with chocolate !! lol She had my bag as her hand luggage too which was seriously heavy but she managed to sneek it on without anyone questioning it ! The wait in the gate was unbearable because the plane was delayed and the room was bunged. I sent a few texts to Al, Digger, Barbra, Jo and Lorraine, just to let them know I was on my way home. Al didn't sound very excited but Barbra said that he was when she saw him with the kids at the fireworks last night, and that he was looking forward to seeing me again. I was tearful all morning really, just so relieved to be going home, and on the other side of this frightening week. Time was dragging and it was not fair. We finally got on the plane and I got the window seat. Another delay in taking off. I was so annoyed !! When we finally taxi'd to the end of the runway, and the pilot floored it to take off, I had tears of joy rolling down my face !! Sad muppet. The flight home was beautiful. Fairly clear skies all the way, we flew along the English Channel and I could see the coastline of England all the way round to Kent. Then we turned at the Channel Islands and up via Bristol I guess and then across to Dublin via Liverpool. The sky line was just magnificent. The flight was very bumpy, it was windy up there !! Soon enough we were coming down, and Dublin was in sight. I wondered if Al was looking up and seeing my plane arriving.
We landed and my heart was going like the clappers. I was so excited. We got off the plane as soon as we could and made our way through the gate and then the hike to baggage reclaim. My mobile rang and there were a couple of texts from Al saying he was waiting on us. We got our bags and finally got to the arrival hall. We had to go up to the departures area so he could meet us there in the car. I text him to let him know we were there, and within moments I saw the car and he was there. OMG, it was so fantastic to see him. I flung my arms around him and kissed him. Police were trying to move us on, but I just needed to hold him and let him know how happy I was to be back with him again. What a long week it had been.
Then there was another surprise ! Rachel was lying down on the floor in the back of the car hiding.... suddenly she jumped up and 'surprise ' !! Seeing her little face was magic too. She had really wanted to see me, and had been really good for her Daddy all the way there too. She was as good as gold on the way home too.
The journey home was uneventful. We chatted and talked about the operation and my terrible experience last night.
When we got home, Aidan gave me a big hug, but Michael was a little stand offish to begin with. He soon came round though and came over and gave me a huge hug. It was what I needed ! My little angels back with me again. I gave them their presents, and Frances left because she wanted to get to her Bingo night out.
After the hussle and bustle of the day, it was nice to get the kids settled and to bed and finally spend some time with Al. We talked about the operation day. He said that he was beside himself with worry because he had expected to hear from Ellen sooner and when the hours were ticking past, he was working out all the different scenarios in his head.... how to tell the kids that their mother was dead.... If something awful had happened to me then how would Ellen call him and tell him... where would she find the words to say what had happened ? He was thinking the worst all day, until he heard my voice and then he was ok. Poor darling.
I apologised to him over and over for putting him through that. There was nothing Ellen could do to let him know earlier what was going on though, I was not at the ward so what could she tell him ? Anyway... I was here, home and ok. Those memories could be packed away and forgotten about because they were worse case scenarios that never actually happened. We fell into bed, exhausted tonight..... you don't need to know any more detail than that !!! lol

Sunday 29th October, 2006

2006-11-09T16:16:00.000Z

The clocks changed last night. I slept pretty well and i can sleep on eaither side now too which is a first since the op ! Woke early, Ellen was snoring (lol) and I just sat here and wrote my diary. It was lovely to be so peaceful for a while.
We went to breakfast about 9am. I toasted 2 small slices of bread and took a yoghurt for later, and I also ate one. i had a cup of tea too. I managed 1 slice of toast, the yoghurt and the tea - felt full on what I had to the point of discomfort - it was funny seeing all these yummy things that I would have jumped at before - not wanting them now. Mind over matter I suppose. Al and the Kids phoned me during breakfast. I love hearing them, I miss them all so much. Al sounds good - tired but I am sure he is looking forward to seeing me again. I hope so anyway ! I began to feel a bit funny when we were at the breakfast table but I didn't know what was causing it. We went back to the room where I continued to feel quesy and a little light headed for about 30 minutes and then it passed. Was that a dump? I don't know.
If it was, I don't know what caused it. I had chewed the toast thoroughly, and I used the butter and jam that was the same as the stuff I used in hospital. Maybe it was the yoghurt, or the bread or the fact that I drank when I was eating. Ugh, I don't know.
We hung around in the room playing cards until the nurse arrived. She was due between 10 and 11am, but didn't show up until nearly 1pm. She was very brusque. She swooped in, looked at my dressings and was about to say they did not need to be changed, however, I asked her to change them to Mepore because the Opsite ones I had on were really itchy. She did this, and the wounds were healing well. She went to give me my heparin injection and we had a little stnad off over where to inject it. I cannot feel anything below the tummy button line since my C Sections, but she wanted to give it to me along the tummy button line stating that it was better absorbed here. What a load of cobblers !! Anyway... she gave me some more dressings, and some paracetamol tablets which dissolve in the mouth and are really effective.
Once she was away, Ellen and I went out for lunch. We just went round the corner and stopped at a cafe there. I had vegetable soup which was nice. We pottered around the shops this pm which was nice. I am certainly much easier today than yesterday - boads well for tomorrow and the next. We went back to the hotel for a little rest, a chat to the kids, a little mooch about and then we went back out for dinner. Guess what.... they offered me vegetable soup again. OK, I don't really have a choice but you'd think that a chicken and grill restaurant would do chicken soup !! No such luck !! It was ok, I managed about 1/2 a bowl before I was full.
We had a wander down to the market square and sat there for a while, putting the world to rights. It's such a beautiful place and I am glad I have been here and seen it. You will not keep the smile off my face tomorrow though because I will be going home !! Yay

Saturday 28th October 2006

2006-11-07T10:56:00.000Z

Had a great nights sleep, and actually didn't need the painkillers on the dot of 6 hours. They brought me some at 10pm but I didn't take them til 2am because I was settled and comfy and really did not want to move. I was awake at 2 though and thought, rather than leave it any longer, take them now so that I can sleep the rest of the night. I actually managed to sleep on my left side last night !! Now the drain is out I can do that !! Can't manage my right side yet because it pulls too much on the drain site.
It's so good to get rid of that drain. The student nurse removed the rest of it yesterday afternoon and it was ok actually. I was a little shocked to see the length of it !! It was like a computer cable, flat'ish and about 15-20 cm long, with about 6 little tubes all side by side making a strip. It was placed between my new pouch and my stomach which is now just an empty handbag, and out to the skin surface. Little wonder it hurt !
Today, I was presented with breakfast !! I had been told not to eat and drink at the same time, so this would be interesting. I had paracetamol fizzing away beside me needing to be drank, and there as a pot of tea which would be the first I'd had since tuesday, and there was 2 dutch crispbreads and a yoghurt. I put the yoghurt to the side for later because there was no way I would be able to even attempt that right there and then. I poured the tea to let it cool down, and I sipped the paracetamol while I buttered up the crispbreads. I thought they would be stodgier than that .... they melted to nothing in my mouth !! Very easy to eat. I took it slow though, it's amazing how you become complacant about eating. Before you know it, you have swallowed something that is way too big for the new pouch and then you are in trouble. I don't want to get into that trap so I will chew chew chew... !!!
It all went down ok. The tea stinks.... all tea over here stinks, but I will be home soon so I really don't care !
The nurse came and changed my dressings to waterproof ones and showed me where I could take a shower. Bliss. To finally get into a shower and get really clean again. Washed my hair again, and finally got my rear end properly clean again ! I felt great !! I got dressed and packed up the rest of my stuff. Yipee, another hurdle over !!
The dietician came to see me and check I was happy with everything. She told me that lunch would be minced up stuff. Ah well, whatever it takes I guess.
Ellem arrived while I was getting dressed. She has been such a star on this trip. I really don't know how I would have coped without her here. She has this unique way of making me laugh and smile when I am stiff and sore- but she has the nurses ability to know when I need to be quiet and sleep- and she tells me to rest up.
The nurse gave me my tablets and injections for home, and the letters I need for Dr Carlisle too.
Dr Dillemans finally arrived to see me and he checked my wounds and made sure all was ok. He was happy with my progress too, and we talked about my doing some promotional stuff for EOC when I got back home. He said he had a DVD and a powerpoint presentation too, to help me.
Lunch arrived and it was 3 small blobs of barely recognisable food ! Minced Chicken, mash and puree carrot.I ate it though because it was a requsite to discharge. It was ok.. better than it looked !
Marc came and gave us a lift home at 1.30. It was wonderful to get out !! Once I had unpacked at the hotel, we had a wander to the market aquare. We walked for 15 mins, sat and rested for 15 mins, walked, rested, walked, rested. It was great to be out in the fresh air and it did me heaps of good.
I was knackered when we got back so Ellen suggested I have a rest. She went out again for about an hour to get some dinner for herself to bring back to the room and have with me. I had a lovely sleep for an hour, and then we had some soup. I was pleased we did not go out again tonight. I was pooped !!
Talking of poop..... I have not been since wednesday morning !! Yikes.. ! Ok, there is not really much food in there to come out, and my bowel was stopped from the operation but it is working again now because I can feel it !! Wonder if I will go, ot just explode !!

Friday 27th October 2006

2006-11-07T10:16:00.000Z

Fairly unsettled night. Sore, but no point asking the heartless cow of a night nurse for anything. I was up from 2 -4am, reading and listening to music. I went back over to sleep again until about 7am. Watched the sun rise over the city. Again, it was so pretty. I saw the air ambulance take off too.
The brought me water this morning !!! Heaps better than that evian spray that I have been squirting in my mouth. Water !!! Yay.. sips at first, and it was ok.
Ellen was late today, but I was hoping she had a better night with her tooth and that she was having a lie in. Turned out she was out on the lash last night and now suffering for it !! She had a dodgy chinese too which had her chucking up too.
I shuddered when I saw the morning staff today. This blonde nurse - middle aged lady, is a bit cack handed to say the least. She came to take my drain half out. Yikes.
I didn't think much of their aseptic technique ! She set out her sterile field, and was in the process of putting her dressings and things on to it. Then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a tissue, blew her nose on it, shoved it back in her pocket, and without even washing her hands, carried on doing the dressing. Holy hell. I know I should have perhaps said something, but I didn't want to piss her off incase she hurt me when she pulled the drain out. Turned out I should have said something, because she hurt me anyway. She was a bit rough and she pulled the drain so hard I cried. She put a big dressing pad over it and left it til later for the rest of it to come out. It felt much easier instantly. She took my drip down which was not before time either. It was starting to get sore and was awkward too.
I went to the bathroom and washed my hair in the sink in there. Not easy, but very necessary. If felt so good to feel clean again. I sat out and did my hairs and my make up. Then I watched a film to pass the time til Ellen came.
When she arrived, I said I fancied a stroll down to the front door and back.I knew I needed to visit the cashpoint to get money for Marc to give to the taxi lady to take us to the airport, and I thought I might get a sneeky fag in there too !! It really was my limit though, walking to the door and back. I was done when I got back to the ward, but I also felt quite triumphant !! I got pain killers when I got back. Now the drip was away, I had to try the fizzy paracetamol. Boy was that sore to get down me, but I just took it slowly and sipped away at it. It went down eventually.
The charge nurse came in to see me this morning when I was just out of the bathroom. He asked how I was doing and I said I was fine. He said that I did not look happy and was everything ok. I just lifted Al's photo and said 'I miss him' - he understood and left, like men do when they see a girls eyes welling up !!
I had a small pot of yoghurt or custard offered to me this evening. I look the custard. I took it really slowly, really gently, and it was ok. I ate about 3/4 of the pot and that was all I could dare to eat. I didn't get a full feeling, but I did get a feeling that I should stop there, so I did.
Dr Dillemans JHO came to see me and confirmed that I could go home tomorrow which is great ! I have packed already !! lol. Tomorrow is saturday and then I only have 2 more days and then I am home. I so want to hold Al - I miss him so much. I have missed the kids too, don't get me wrong, but they have been fine. They have had Frances fussing all over them, and Al has been looking after them. Al though, he has had to cope with the prospect that I might not have come back alive. He had to cope with a whole week without me, without any kisses, any cuddles, any reassuring hugs from me. BUT, now I am post op- I am feeling good and I am on my way home now !! Gettng back to the hotel tomorrow will be so good. The worst is behind me now. It can only get better from here.
I can't wait to see Al and feel his arms around me again. I know that I have just done the bravest thing in my whole life. Things are going to be superb for us now sweetheart. I am going to loose this weight and I am going to be slim and beautiful. This week has been scarey but it's nearly over now. I won !!! Show me the scales !! Bring it on !!

Thursday 26th October, 2006

2006-11-07T09:14:00.000Z

So, the operation was over. I am so thankful for that !! The pain today was something shocking though ! They told me to get up this morning and go to the bathroom and wash myself. I could barely see straight let alone walk straight !! The day staff came on duty and came in to check my dressings. As soon as she had done that, she said I needed to get up. She helped me hotch to the side of the bed, and my world was spinning !! She kept lifting my face up as I struggled to get my bearings. Once the room slowed down, she made me stand up. There is nothing like a shot of pain to make you wince like that ! I half walked, half hobbled to the bathroom where the room was still taken over by the 81 year olds things and her teeth. Her teeth were taken for her to have her breakfast while I was in there though !! I was sat down on the loo for a pee which was heavenly !! Then I was told to sit on a stool and wash myself. I couldn't help but think of the patients back home and how bloody easy they have it. We wash them and give them pain relief post op, and they hardly have to set foot out of bed for about 2 days. Lucky sods. Here was me, about 16 hours post op, and sitting here having to fend for myself. I took a look ( having shifted the old dears truly massive washbag) and saw I was pink !! The sterilising fluid from theatre was pink !! It was in my belly button, up to my neck and down to my woo ha !! Took me ages trying to get it off without getting my dressings wet. I wanted to wash my behind but the drain was not allowing me to turn or twist round, so it was impossible. The nurse had cleared off so there was no help forthcoming. I would just have to put up with it. Not good. Not that my bowel was working anyway. (When the bowel is touched - like in an operation - it stops its rhythmic movement and comes paralysed for a day or two). All the time yesterday when I was using the bedpan, it was a good thing I had baby wipes with me because these staff have never heard of offering loo roll. Anyway... it felt fantastic to get my own nightie on me. It felt great to feel a little more human having had a wash too. I was still connected to the drip which seemed to have the worlds slowest bag of fluid running, not that they were bothered. I tinkered with it a bit during the day to speed it up!! I was sure I was meant to have it a bit faster than 18 hours at a time !! My hair is a mess and my face is pretty shocking too, but so what.
I felt really sick but I was told it was the anaesthetic wearing off. She was probably right there, but it didn't stop the feeling that I was going to throw up. If throwing up would be possible... I am sure that it would hurt too.
I was given IV zantac to protect my stomach from ulceration, and I was given the IV paracetamol every 6 hours today. It was not worth asking for anything else incase I got my head bitten off again, however, I put up with it and in a way I am glad I did.
The stoma bag kept leaking today, and they kept coming and pulling the stoma off and putting the new one on. My poor skin there is raw !! Came off again tonight, but that cow of a night nurse ( same one as last night !) just taped it.
Dr Dillemans Registrar came to see me today, told me everything went well in theatre and that he was pleased with my progress so far. He checked my tummy, the drain site and the wounds, and then told me to stay Nil By Mouth until tomorrow, then to drink water and see how I go. The drain will come out tomorrow. Not looking forward to the process of getting it out, but looking forward to it not being in too !!
Marc came to see me too, which was really kind of him. Since he has been through the procedure too, he knows first hand how it feels. He told me that in his experience, yesterday and today are the worst days. He told me that tomorrow I will feel much better and the day after that better still. He said that when he was told he would walk out of there 3 days post op, he thought 'no way' which is what I am doing, but he said that the last 2 days were amazing, the rate of recovery. I am not thinking so much about the discharge day, but the flight home. Nothing can stop that. I am missing Al and the kids so much, it's tuesday that is keeping me sane !!
Al gave me his t shirt which he had been wearing, to bring with me. It sounds horrid I am sure, but I just needed to smell him, have something that was more tactile than a photo to look at, to make me feel closer to him. I have slept with that T shirt tucked under my chin, in my hand, so I can nuzzle it whenever I want to, and smell him. I had a little cry into it this morning when I was looking at his picture and feeling a million miles away from him.
Got talking to Al and the kids today and I heard Michael babbling away. It was fantastic to hear their voices. Mum and Dad have been phoning too which is nice. I never knew that they had been to Brugge. The picture that used to hang in the TV room in Frinton, which Mum painted, is of a place in Brugge. I grew up seeing that picture all the time and I never knew. I hope they don't mind parting with it and sending it my way !... either that or paint me a watercolour version of it !!
Al said that monday and tuesday were the hardest days for him because he was missing me. I am sure that yesterday was pretty traumatic for him. When I turned on my mobile phone there was a text on it from him saying he was going daft with worry and what was going on. Ellen really was not able to call him any sooner than she did though.
Ellen came up late this morning. and stayed a while and then went off and came back later on. I kept falling asleep, but I really could not help it.
She had tooth ache all night and was knackered looking. Digger sent me a text saying his tooth had fallen out in sympathy of my operation... what is it with me and my friends / husbands teeth ?!!
Talked to Al again this evening. We counted the days til we are together again but he discounted tomorrow because it is almost here already, so it didn't count. So, saturday, sunday, monday.... 3 days !! Reminds me of how we used to be when we were apart before I moved here. We used to take off the hours that we'd be sleeping so that we would only have to count the hours that we were awake and missing each other before we were back together again. Funny little things like that, which helped us cope with being apart. Soppy gits aren't we ?!!

Wednesday 25th October 2006

2006-11-03T20:27:00.000Z

Operation day ! Got a broken nights sleep. Kept dreaming about a huge glass of water, and I was thinking about how many hours pre op I was, if I could actually drink a huge glass of water or not !! Needless to say I didn't! I stayed NBM from midnight, and got up at 6.30am. I went for a swim from 6.45 -7am while Ellen had a shower. She went for her breakfast while I showered and sorted out my hospital bag. I had a sneeky fag out of the window of the room. I was really beginning to to let the nerves build up, I really could not help it. We went out to the front of the hotel to wait on the taxi and I smoked a couple of fags. It was quite cold out there and I was shaking. Not sure if it was the cold or me causing it. Ellen was calm for me. I had a little cry before the others came outside. The taxi arrived about 8.10 and we all piled in. I held Ellens hand all the way there. Trying my hardest to control my now very fast heart rate. Sera was in the back with us, and somehow the conversation came round to being sterilised. Don't ask me how. I said that I had been sterilised too. She said something there and then that shocked me actually. She said that I was a very decisive person, I make my mind up on what I want and I go for it. Even something as major as sterilisation and now a gastric bypass. They are not easily reversed are they.
We took our ticket and waited like customers at a deli counter, to be called to get booked in. I went up and we went through the paper work, and I was told to go to Ward 10. The others were dispatched to ward 11. I was sad that we were not together. We went up in the lift with Mo and Sera and as they could clearly see I was bricking it, they said a little prayer for me and asked for my guardian angel to watch over me. It was such a comfort to hear their words. If you read this Sera, Mo, Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You don't know what that meant to me at that time.
We went and found the charge nurse on Ward 10 and were told to wait in the waiting room. When he finally came, I was clerked in nursing wise, allergies, medications, previous health issues, name band. Then he took me to room 1060. I was to share with an 81 year old Beligan lady who hardly spoke a word of English. She appeared at first glance to have taken over the room as her own. She was in theatre when I got there, but on visiting the bathroom, her things were all over it. Her towels, her flannels, her washbag occluding the mirror, her toothbrush pot, her teeth even. It was covering every surface. She had sole use of the TV remote control too.
I was shown the nurse call bell handset, which was also the phone, and light switch. He told me to go down for an ECG. I did this, which was ok. All normal. Just routine. Then we went down to the front reception again to get a phone card sorted out. It was a complicated process because the receptionist really did not speak very good english. I am still confused as to how it works, but hey ho.
I had my last fag, and then went back up to get changed into my theatre gown.
OMG was it short or what !! It was not decent to remove my trousers and undies until the last minute. I kept them on !! At least it went round me, that was a concern at first !
We sat about, feeling tired and flicking through magazines. Ellen went down to the canteen to get a drink and something to eat, and saw Julie's husband down there drinking a beer !! She was in theatre so I guess he was just making the most of his time there ! A hospital that sells beer, that is a new one !
I called Al on the phone and told him the number to call me on, and I called Mum and Dad and did likewise. I had been told 2pm by Dr Dillemans, and 5pm by the charge nurse, so I was shocked when at 1.20 they came to take me down. Knickers and trousers off, and into bed. I made a super swift call to Al to tell him I loved him. Then I was wheeled off down the corridor, as Ellen disappeared out of sight.
Down in the lift to the 4th floor, through a maze of doors and corridors to a recovery room. I needed to pee, and said to the nurse that I needed to. I had not been told to before I left the ward so it just had not happened up there. I was ushered to the staff loo and back again, theatre gown gaping !!
They asked me to get myself over from my bed onto the operating table which had been wheeled to my bedside. It was not an easy task because these 2 skinny bits were huffing at me and telling me not to sit here or there, just get over onto it. Grrrr. I got onto the table eventually and it was hard as rock. My neck and back were killing me before we had even got anywhere.
I was wheeled into the anaesthetics room by which time I really was beside myslef. 'What am I doing here' I kept thinking... no, yelling at myself. The anaesthetics nurse put a venflon in my left hand and started a drip going, and then padded me up for the cardiac monitor. Dr Dillemans opened the theatre door in front of me and asked me if I was ok. I said that I was shitting myself and to just get on with it ! I could see Mo or Sera's dark skin, on the table infront of me. I was told to lie back down and then came the IV sedation and mask. I just told myself what Al had said to me.... ' a few deep breaths and you will not know anymore'. Off I went.

The first I remember was being lifted on a sheet i think over onto my bed. Then I had the sensation that I could not breathe, which from my days in theatres is all routine stuff, where the level of consciousness and ability to breath independently is based on the patients own gag refex. Once they try and remove their own airway, then it is time to extubate. It is a horrid horrid feeling all the same. The pillow was really badly placed and my neck was so sore I didn't know where to put myself. Then came the pain from my stomach. Holy hell. Nobody told me it would hurt like this. I called out for pain relief, and was soon given a jag in the leg I think. It must have been morphine but intramuscular, it took a while to work. Intravenous would have been nicer. I had an O2 mask on, but I felt so sick and I pulled at the mask so hard the elastic snapped out of the mask. I was really panicing, and I was not doing myself any favours. Soon enough the pain killers were beginning to work on me, and I had to then talk myself down from this state of panic. The recovery staff sure as hell were not going to do it for me. Good job I am a nurse and I know the score. I could see where non medical folk would become seriously stressed out here.
I told myself to breath the oxygen, because that would bring me out of the anaesthetic quicker. I made myself put the mask on and keep it there. Then I tried to move the pillow, but I really could not move anything because I was so sore. I tried to call them to help me, but they were busy doing goodness knows what. I then told myself that the sooner I calmed down, the sooner I would be deemed 'fit to go back to the ward' and as soon as that could happen, the better. Ellen would have had a field day there with them !
I heard a male nurse say my name on the phone, and then off we went back to the ward. Hallelujah. I had no idea that I had been away for 3 1/2 hours.
Seeing Ellens face was the best thing ever. It was over, and I had done it !! Getting back to the ward post op was part of the trip which I could never envisage. As soon as the staff had gone, and I had done a quick body check to find out what was happening under my covers. 4 patches on my tummy and a stoma bag with some runny blood type liquid in it on my left side. That and the middle one were the sorest. I felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest pressing on my breastbone. The drain on the left limited my ability to turn so I chose to lie still !!
Ellen lifted the phone to call Al. Poor guy must have been beside himself. I spoke to him and told him I was ok. I am sure he didn't have a clue what I was saying but I just needed him to know that I was ok. While I was on the phone, Ellen grabbed my hand and put my wedding ring back on it. She told me that it had been off long enough already ! Thank you my darling friend, you are an angel.
The rest of the evening is a bit of a blur. I just needed to sleep while the pain was controlled. I must have been terrible company for Ellen. I am sure she understood though. It was so good to know that she was close by. She went home quite late I think, and I remember calling Alan again when I was a little more coherant. He said he'd get Rachel to call when she got in from Brownies, but that call never came. I guess they turn the phones off after 9pm Brugge time. Shame really, I wanted to hear her little voice, and to hear about her Brownie badges that she was doing tonight.
I was given IV paracetamol about 6 or 7ish, which was quite effective but by 23.45 I was really getting sore again. I called for a nurse to get me some pain killers and they answered on the handset thing saying they would be down to me shortly, but an hour later they still were not there. I kept pressing the buzzer til they came to me. I didn't know where to put myself by this stage, I was in pain. The auxilary came in and brusquely said, 'it's not time yet'. I told her I was in agony and I needed something. She cleared off and the staff nurse came. She told me to wait another hour for the IV paracetamol. I told her I really couldn't. I was really in a lot of pain and I needed something to relieve it. If she had bothered to look, I was writhing about and my heart rate was probably going like the clappers, but she protested that I should wait, that the doctors did not want me to have anything else, that I needed to wait, and that the other pain killer would slow down the healing process of the bowel. Then she tried to put me off by saying it was 'a jag in the butt' ( wonder what American TV show she learnt that off, because it certainly is not Casualty or Holby speak !!)but she could see she was not winning this one. She gave up and went and got the injection of 'Whatever it was' to jag in my butt. I got relief finally. Phew....
A couple of hours later, with quite a bit of IV fluid in me, I felt like I should pee. I called for a bed pan. Now you need to know that the forces of gravity work against you when you use one of these things, and also all the instinctive messages not to pee the bed are rife when you are in the bed and you are on a bed pan. It's bloody hard work!! I had to wait and push and squeeze every drop I could out. Hideous feeling, but necessary. I really did not want my bladder to go into retention and need a catheter. I was on and off the thing all night. The 81 year old seemed to use my queue to use one too, so the pair of us were perched at the same time lol.
I dozed all night on and off, but was awake to see the most beautiful dawn sun rise ove Brugge. From the 10th floor, it really is something to behold. The sky went pink and turquoise and the skyline illuminated as the sun peeped over. Magical. The start of my first day POST OP !! YAY

Tuesday 24th October 2006

2006-11-02T17:31:00.000Z

Had a really good nights sleep. Going to see Dr Dillemans this morning. Breakfast first ! Missing Al so much it hurts. The kids too, in a different way.. does that make sense ?

Later :- Had a good meeting with Dr Dillemans. There was a stuff up with the taxi to take us to the hospital and only 2 took the taxi and cleared off while the rest of us had to order another one each. We all got there eventually though. I had to see the dietician first which was ok. She weighed and measured me. I scared myself with how much I had increased my weight in the last week. I was 20 stone 7 with a BMI of 49. I thought that it really was not worth getting upset about though, because that was all about to change. She gave me some details about the post op diet plan which was all straight forward, and then I had to go and get some bloods done. After that, I had to wait til we were all called for a joint consultation with Dr Dillemans. He was running late so we kind of got aquainted with each other. Sera and Mo were sisters from Hackney in London. We'd seen them at breakfast time, but neither looked like likely candidates for WLS ! All the same, they were here for a band. Julie was the other lady, who was from Newcastle. She was pretty big too like me and I thought, 'she has to be having an RNY'. I don't think she even knew what an RNY was. She was having the band. When Dr D came, he started going through our folders and talking about us individually, and explaining the suitability of our chosen operation. I could see he was angling Julie toward and RNY, but could not come outright and tell her incase it was seen as trying to up his financial intake. It had nothing to do with money. I am sure the guy is rolling about in it, however it is to do with Julie and her husbands finances maybe, so if she has chosen the band, then so be it. It will probably give her 60% excess weight loss at least, as long as she sticks to the plan. I hope for her sake she manages to.
He seemed supportive of my operation straight away which was good. He could tell I had researched the operation and was not entering this with my eyes closed. He wanted to see me privately after the others had gone, claiming he wanted to see my previous operation scars, however when everyone else left, he never even examined me ! We talked about how I was keen on helping EOC and promoting it in Northern Ireland, and learning about Lap band fills. He was very keen for me to do this, and I really am, once I am back on my feet. Let's get tomorrow out the way first !
Dr Dillemans is a charming, charismatic man, with a wealth of information and experience oozing out of every oriface. He is very easy on the eye too !! I felt reassured by him. I was not keen on the joint consultation at first, but then i thought, what the hell, we are all big and all in the same boat here with our BMI's on the increase from our original estimate ! With all the i's dotted and the t's crossed, we got the bus back into town.
Ellen and I hit the shops and got lots of bits and bobs for the kids and Al and Frances. It was good to get that done. I have no idea what I will be like post op and would rather get things now than go back with a case bereft of presents for the kids ! Brugge has a miriad of strong sweet smelling Chocolate shops. It's almost overpowering to the point where it turns you queasy in some ! Ellen went daft in lots of them, and I was happy as long as she was enjoying herself. She has been so fantastic and I am so happy she is here with me. We went on a horse and cart ride which was great, but used up the time that I had hoped to have a waffle. It was my sole intention to have one last Belgian Waffle today.Once we got back after the horse and cart ride, they were all closing. I was really dissapointed but thought, 'ah well'.
We went back to the hotel and I went for a swim.I was looking at the clock and thinking how odd it was that last wednesday I was thinking, this time next week it will all be over. This time I was thinking, 'this time tomorrow, it will all be over'.
We went out for dinner. Just chicken and chips, nothing special. I was still lamenting the missed opportunity to have a waffle. Ellen suggested we take a wander round the market square after dinner. To our amazement and utter delight, we found one place that was serving waffles. I was giddy with excitement, and I was so happy to be able to have my waffle that I actually cried. The people around us must have thought we were on something, laughing like hyena's and me bawling my eyes out ! The poor waiter !!!! The waffle was heaven.It was a big waffle with cream and ice cream, fresh strawberries and warm chocolate sauce that sat in pools in the waffle holes. It was the most wonderful thing of my whole trip !!
Ellen and I had a long walk all around the different side streets of Brugge, looking in windows, talking non stop and having a ball. She made me laugh so much, and made my last night pre op such a better experience than I could ever have imagined. I will be eternally in her debt for tonight. Thank you Ellen, you are one in a million ! ( But you know that already !)
We watched the film 'Click' on my PPC tonight before going to bed. It was funny, especially when he'd lost a load of weight was left with a huge tummy flap. He was waving it at his ex wife and talking away like it was something to play with !
I called Alan and told him that I loved him and missed him, and the kids. If only he knew how much I was missing him. The space inside me is gaping. Not long though and I will be back in his arms forever more. I love him and our kids more than life itself and always will.

Monday 23rd October 2006

2006-11-02T16:56:00.000Z

The drive to Dublin took 2 1/4 hours. I was feeling tearful on and off all the way there, contemplating Alan leaving me there. He as very tight lipped all the way. It was clear he was trying to be strong for me although deeply hurting inside too. We arrived at the airport at 2am and he was very swift ! He got out the car, put the cases out and gave me a big hug and kiss and then left. No time to regret, change my mind, or to burst into tears on each other ! I watched the car disappear into the distance and knew that we were crossing points of no return with every step we were taking that night and in the next few days. I bet he cried. He likes to think he can hide it from me but I know him !
Ellen and I mooched about the airport and grabbed a hot chocolate drink. From the moment I took that I felt unwell.
We checked in about 4.15am. Al sent me a text to let me know he was home and going to bed. It was good to know that he was home safe and sound. I wished I was there with him too. We went to the departure gate which was some hike lol, and onto the plane at 6.05am. I fell asleep pretty soon after take off, but woke up 3/4 hour later feeling really unwell. I felt sick and dizzy as if I was about to pass out. Ellen got a wet wipe out and wiped my face which helped, and gave me a drink of fanta which raised my blood sugar levels again. I must have had a hypo but I felt better soon enough. When we arrived at Charleroi ( pronounced Char low ar)we got our bags and were preparing to get the shuttle bus to Brussles train station when Ellen saw someone standing with a page with my name on it. She was a taxi driver ! I said that I had cancelled this taxi but clearly she had not been told. She phoned Marc ( Dr D's PA) and explained the confusion, and he told me on her phone to just take the taxi as the mistake was theirs, and we would not have to pay for it. I was much relieved because I still felt pretty rough from the sleepless night and the flight. I fell asleep in the car too and missed seeing the beauty of Belgium which was a shame but I really was done !
The hotel was nice enough, clean and tidy, the room was comfy although dark as a black hole! Not really 4* but it sufficed. There was a swimming pool just 3 doors down the hall, but the jacuzzi was not there ! Shame that.
We went for a wander to find somewhere to have lunch. I didn't feel much better after we'd eaten but I was just too tired to think straight or enjoy anything much, and I was already missing Al and the kids deeply.
We came back to the room and had a sleep from 2pm - 6pm. I was feeling much more human thereafter and we went and took a swim. Ellen did not venture into the pool but went to the sauna instead, and I got chatting with a lady who was easily 35 stone. She was unfortunately stuck in the pool. She'd been trying for 1/2 hour to get out but she found the ladder was too high to get her leg up to it, and even if she did she could not muster the strength to haul her body out of the water and pull on the ladder to get herself out. It took 3 of us to get her out. I really put my foot in it big time with her though. I knew that there were 3 other EOC patients at the hotel but wrongly assumed she was one of them. She was highly insulted when I asked if she was also for the hospital on wednesday like me. She made disgusted faces, and 'as if I would need that' looks at me. The honest trust was this. She did need it, and soon, but she had not got to that stage in her life where she could see that her body was out of control. Seeing her made me more determined to put an end to my problem asap though.
We had a wander round Brugge after dinner, and it was really really pretty. They really have some lovely architecture, and some seriously old buidings here. The market square was beautifully lit up at night and the bells in the tower ring out some tune every 1/4 - 1/2 hour which is really quaint !
I had hoped that I could use the wi-fi access to skype Al and the kids while at the hotel. Sadly the wifi access was not it's all cracked up to be. He could bearly hear me so it was a shambles from the out. We chose to use the frighteningly expensive mobile phone option instead. Whatever it costs, it costs.
I miss him and the kids so badly. I feel like I have an empty hole inside me. I love him so much. He and the kids are my life. Roll on next tuesday.

Sunday 22nd October, 2006

2006-10-22T21:00:00.000+01:00

Well, my bags are sitting in the car ready to go. I am feeling ok as it happens. I really am. Ellen is here and Frances is here and the kids are in bed. Rachel was very upset going to bed tonight but she settled when Alan went up for get a couple of hours kip before leaving. I kept it together for her sake all day, but had a little cry when I came down stairs.
I will keep it short here because I should be sociable. I will try and post from Bruges.
So... here I go. Roll on next tuesday when I am home again.

Al, I love you and the kids to bits. Thank you for supporting me through this op. You have been so amazing, and I love you forever and for always.

xxxxxxxxx

Tuesday 17th October 2006

2006-10-17T16:49:00.000+01:00

The weekend is creeping up on me. I think I am ready one moment and then I burst into tears the next !! I read on someones journal on the WLS info forum that 3 people from the forum died last year, but apparently it was not the WLS that finished them off. All the same it gave me the eebie jeebies. That said, I know the risks are really low. I have more risk of death every time I get in my car and drive somewhere than I will having this op. It kind of puts it back in perspective.

I have packed a load of things in my case already, and this morning I went and had a wander round the shops, and made myself look at the size 20 stuff which I hope I can fit into by Christmas. I was pleasantly surprised that there was a good selection which looked nice, and this made me feel better. I got a few bits and bobs for the kids too, as a little treat for while I am away. Mainly for Aidan and Rachel because there is a loft full of things that Michael has not seen or played with yet that will be like a treat for him.

I busied myself the rest of the morning making Aidan's birthday cake for him to take to school tomorrow. I am still disgusted at the parents who did not bring their kids to his party. I hope they take a bite of his cake and choke on it. They were rude and uncaring to not bother even sending the RSVP back for his party.

I have been feeling sick for about a week now. I know it's the nerves working on me. What am I doing????? I hope this calms down before the weekend. I need it to. Maybe it won't calm down til I am on the plane when I can get into the mode of 'going about the business of getting this op done'. I keep wanting to burst into tears though... this is mad.

Sunday 15th October, 2006

2006-10-15T10:06:00.000+01:00

It was Aidan's 5th birthday party yesterday. One of the main reasons I did not have my op sooner. I wanted to get that out of the way first. I was annoyed because out of the 17 people who were invited, only 6 turned up. I was not impressed. That said, the house was much quieter than I had anticipated it would be and the kids had a lovely time. I just want to seeth at the parents who neither bothered to call me or rsvp to the invitation. They did not have to see my son's face when the party was due to begin and NOT ONE child was here. It's a disgrace. The others turned up late, but all in all, it was ok. Aidan enjoyed himself and that was the main thing.

So... I went to work last night. It started with a crappy moment where I was surplus to requirements and not sure if I was going to get moved to another ward at any given moment. I didn't get moved however and it was a good night on the whole. I had one of those crappy moments when ( and it's not the first time either.. naturally) a patient told me that I was 'cuddly'. Grrr... I usually want the ground to open up and eat me, especially when I am given this description in front of others. What is it about patients like that who think they are the first person to ever notice that you are fat, and that you need to be told ????? How dare they ? But last night, I reacted differently by saying ' No really... well, who would have guessed ' and then walked away thinking ' not for much longer !! You wait !

My lovely friends on WLSinfo forum have been so supportive toward me in the time building up to this op. That website really is the most wonderful place to visit when you need a pep talk. I am looking forward to being able to change my details to read 'post op' and join the post op gang, the loosers !!

I got talking to Alan the other night after I wrote my blog. He was really great, sitting and listening to me and allowing me to blather on and on. I said that leaving him at the airport is going to be so hard, and he told me that he needed me to be strong, get out of the car, get my case, kiss him goodbye and turn around and go. I looked up at him and he was near in tears, and he said that it is going to be hard for him to drive home because he won't settle until he hears my voice post op. It will be plain sailing from then. I love this man of mine so much..... I knew this op was affecting him but he was just covering his own emotions about it because he did not want to influence my decision. We got talking about clothes after that and I said that at the moment there is no clothing shop in Larne that sells clothes that fit my size, so I am not used to clothes shopping in normal clothes shops. I said that I had no idea how to dress myself in skinny clothes, as I would always see a fat person looking back at me in the mirror. He said to trust him, and he would dress me ! I can't wait for that !

Right... I am falling asleep typing this. I am sooooo tired... need a kip

Thursday 12th October 2006

2006-10-12T19:19:00.000+01:00

I am feeling really apprehensive today. I know that from tomorrow, I am down to the last few days. Today was 10 days plus a few hours before I go, tomorrow it will be down to single figures. It has just rushed at me today. I can't express myself to Alan to make him understand that I am so scared, not just of the journey away from him and the kids, but this operation. All the daft what if's coming at me.. what if I don't survive the op? What if it goes wrong ? What if I am in a lot of pain afterwards and it is not controlled. I am scared. It's a whole new start, a whole new life for me waiting right there but right here right now, it is like telling me to go and take a running leap off a tall building while everyone else waves at me from the building opposite. There is 'knowing' you are going to make it, and actually building up the courage to jump in the first place.

I am not following the pre op diet at all. I just can't face it. I will deal with the diet thing post op when I have no choice, but for now I need to get my head around the stresses of working up the the op. My case is half packed. I have the ironing to do, and I will probably throw some of this load into my case once it is ironed. I wonder how long post op they will fit me for. I like some of the things I wear, but replacing them with sassy sexy nicely fitting clothes will be a dream come true too. I will never have to hold on to these clothes 'just in case' i put weight back on because it's never going to happen !! I need to keep thinking this way. I really need to get my head straight again. I was so positive before, but somewhere along the line I have lost my positivity.

Tuesday 10th October 2006

2006-10-10T11:29:00.000+01:00

Is it the 10th October already !?!!! Yikes ! Operation on 25th, that means 15 days to go until op day.

I just finished ordering my groceries on line from Tesco's. I love Tesco's ! It's not that I am a lazy git ( well not always ) and don't want to go and get my own shopping, but I like the fact that I can control what I am buying rather than wander along aimlessly through the aisles throwing in things that I don't actually need or want !

I just made a hairdressers appt for Rachel for tonight, and for me on Friday. It's been such a long long time since I have had my hair done, for financial reasons mainly, but also because the reflection in the mirror is not what I want to look at for that length of time ! I hope this attitude changes when my wieght loss starts. I get embarassed that the hairdressers chair drops when I sit on it. I get embarassed that the capes in some hairdressers don't go round me. I get embarassed that sometimes the chairs just don't fit my enormous backside. Oh how I am NOT going to miss that !!

I was sent a pm from someone from Anne Diamond's website this morning, and they sounded like I did about 3 months ago. They know they want WLS but they just can't seem to find the information that they need. I directed them to the WLSinfo forum. I dearly hope they join up and find all the info. They are going to be fleeced by the Hospital Group otherwise !! I am not saying that the Hospital Group don't offer a great package, or that the surgery is bad at all, however, I am saying that they are profiteering from the UK public by charging such extoritionate rates for their surgery. Dr Dillemans has a fantastic reputation. He has helped so many of my WLSinfo mates to loose oodles of weight, and I trust him, and I trust their accounts of his work. There can be no better reference than the words of folk who have been there and done that.

I am not really following the pre op diet plan. I have skipped a few meals and replaced them with Slim Fast which was ok, but these last 2 weeks ( ok, less than that now) are my last chance to have severely sugary things without dumping syndrome ! I want to enjoy my sons birthday, and I want to enjoy a meal out with my darling hubby before I go. There are others on the WLSinfo forum who don't have to have a pre op diet for Dr Dillemans. Why are they allowed to eat and not me ?!! There are others who are made to go on a yoghurt only diet though for different surgeons, and that must be really punitive ! I don't really know what to do to be honest. I can't have the biggest liver in the UK so I am sure it will be ok. I just need to chill out don't I?!!

Got a few more bits and bobs for my case yesterday. The pre op section of the WLS forum has been invaluable for this. I have got loads of tips about what I might need. I got a little spray water bottle and I have some wet wipes ready, and I will need to pack some sanitary towels ( bought them yesterday too !) incase the op induces another period. I never realised that it would, but some ladies have been caught out, and I don't want that !!

Aidan's party is this weekend. I am not as stressed about this party because I have bigger things to be stressed about !! lol. The entertainer is booked, and the food is being delivered tomorrow. I need to sort out a cake, which I will attempt to do myself !! yikes ! My cakes never work, but hopefully this one will ! I have the definitive recipe for big cakes that cook in a roasting tin ! I am advised to make two, so I will give it a shot and see what happens. I have the topper to go on it, with lightening mcqueen which will please a little 5 year old man enormously ! I will keep you updated !

I am also getting a few bits and bobs in for the kids for while I am away, to put a smile on their faces. Aidan's little 'cars' watch arrived today, and I have a pink avon watch for Rachel, and I got them both sticker books. Aidan has a spider pencil sharpener, and Rachel has a furry pencil. I dare say I will add to this through the week so they have something special most days I am away. I can't bare the thought of them missing me, or being upset. I don't know what to get for Michael because he is just a baby and won't realise that any little gift is to make the week easier for him. He just loves his cuddles and he will get plenty of them I am sure, with Frances about and Alan. I hope he is ok without me. I am going to miss his little face so much.

IT'S ONLY A WEEK THOUGH !! I will cope, and so will they. I am going to start getting annoyed with myself soon !! lol Get a grip Marika.

Sunday 8th October, 2006

2006-10-08T12:25:00.000+01:00

I went to my first support group meeting yesterday. Ellen came with me and I hope she found it as informative as I did. It was very informal, and great to get talking to the WLS forum members face to face instead of on line. I told Kathryn about the EOC and how much they are charging, and she seemed gobsmacked. All the prices she had been quoted were all UK prices at £10K plus. I really hope she calls Jaap and gets her surgery sooner.

So... 2 weeks tonight, I will be off. It really is not that far away now. I am going to miss the kids and Alan sooooo much. I can feel the pain of it already and I have not gone yet. To not see them for a week will be really upsetting, so I hope it goes fast. Al just said that he doesn't think it would be a good idea to bring the kids to Dublin when he comes to get me. It would mean they were in the car for hours, and they would be better off here with his Mum til we get home. I am thinking selfishly of course because I just kind of had this little picture in my head that they would be there waiting for me when I got to the airport, but perhaps I should rethink that little scenario. He is right, Frances can let Michael have his nap time in his bed, and she will keep the other 2 occupied while they wait on me coming home. There would be little room for the cases too if a pram had to go in the boot, and the journey home will allow us talking time without the kids around listening to every word.

My darling man Alan, I love you so much. I know you are as worried about this op as me, and I know that you are trying to cover it up so that you don't make me more nervous. I will be ok honey, and I will be back home with you and our kids before you know it. We will talk every single day on the internet or the phone, and we will then look forward to a very different life where my weight will no longer be a factor. I so want to make you proud to call me your wife. I feel mismatched beside you because you are so gorgeous, skinny and tall, with the worlds sexiest backside. And there is me, the worlds largest woman, wobbling along beside you, pretending that I am not all that bad, until I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection from a shop window, and suddenly I see just how bad I have let myself get. I know that you tell me that you love me no matter what shape and size I am, but you did not bargain for this shape and size when you met me. OK, I was not slim then, but I was not THIS either ! OK... I had our babies, which made things worse for my body, and you played your part in that too, but I am so sorry that I let my weight increase to this heafty size without making a bigger effort to stop it. I will make this surgery work, for ME, but also for YOU and the kids. I love you all so much and I don't want to become a burden on any of you. I want to live a long life and be with you all for as long as I possibly can. This operation will be the catalyst to make that happen, and I am going to give it my all.

So, while I am away sweetheart, just know that I am with you in my mind all the time. Know that I am thinking about you, loving you, and missing you so much it hurts inside. Remember how we used to part at the airport and be away from each other for a week at a time before I moved over here. We coped then and we will cope with this, because although leaving you at the airport used to rip me in two, coming home to you was the most exciting feeling ever. Searching for your face in the airport crowd, then seeing you when I had not put my lips on yours for a whole week was like magic, and then holding you was the most precious, wonderful feeling ever. I will hold out for that when I get back to Dublin my love. I was reminded each and every time I was away from you, over in England, of the fact that without you I am not whole, but back in your arms, I am safe, loved and complete again. Only you have ever made me feel this way, and I will love you for this forever.

OK.. I have tears rolling down my face here.. I think I had better go....

Thursday October 5th 2006

2006-10-05T20:01:00.000+01:00

Worked last night and each time I am driving down the westlink to the hospital I think to myself, 'how many shifts do I have left to work before I go to Belgium !' Not many now I have to say. 4 as a matter of fact. I would normally do 2 nights next week but it's Aidan's party on the saturday so I will not be able to work on the Friday night as well as the Saturday night..... then I have told them I can work the following Thursday and Friday, which leaves me with saturday and sunday with Al and the kids before we go.
Anyway.... today I got an email from EOC saying that I need to start my pre op diet. It's very punitive because at a stressful time when you just want to comfort eat, they stop you !! I would have liked a little warning too, but hey, what can you do! So off I went to Superdrug and bought 2 tins of Slimfast. A vanilla one and a chocolate one. I ordered my last chinese, for me and the kids,and gobbled it down so now I am sitting here stuffed, looking at these slimfast tins staring back at me !
The email said that they expect me to aim for 1 stone weight loss per week !! If I was capable of that then I would not need surgery !! I emailed them back asking if this was a typo !! Unfortunately it was not a typo, but they did agree it was a little extreme so they have removed that expectation from me. Phew.. the pressure of that !!!! I will do the diet because I want to reduce the risks in theatre as much as possible. I don't want them to have to do an open op on me either ! I cannot promise to stick to it like glue, but surely a) any effort is better than none b) I cannot be the biggest woman Dr D has operated on and therefore I cannot have the largest liver either !! lol
So... I will weigh myself tomorrow morning ( bearing in mind that I am due my period and have water retention) and then drink my slim fast like a good girl !!

Wednesday 4th October 2006

2006-10-04T10:53:00.000+01:00

In exactly 3 weeks today and it will be the day. 3 weeks is not long is it? hmmm...2 weeks 5 days til Ellen and I go. The harsh reality is only really hitting me now, how much I am going to miss the kids and Alan, the enormity of what I am having done, everything. I am sitting here on an average school day, in my kitchen, the baby up in his cot, and this is what I should be doing in 3 weeks time. Instead, Alan will be here with the baby, the kids in school, and I will be heading for the operating theatre. How bizarre is that?
I know that it will be ok, and that it will all be over before I know it. I know that I will be sore but it will be bearable, and I know that what I put in my mouth in the future will never be as much or as sweet as what I put in there now... but that is the logical part of my mind talking. What about the emotional. My kids are my life. I love them to the end of the earth and back. If anything happens to me while I am away I want them to always know that I love them and that I will always be with them no matter what. The more sensible part of me is saying I am irresponsible making this move to have gastric surgery, but then that doesn't make sense when a couple of hours in theatre could add more than just years to my life, but quality too.
I will be ok.. I will be ok... I will be ok... ( deep breaths...)
Stopped smoking today. Have not had a fag since last night, and I am doing ok. I need to stop because a) it is costing way too much b) I want to reduce the anaesthetic risks c) I don't want to have to have an x ray and pay for it over there !! Besides, I stopped before and it was stress that made me go back on them. There is no real reason for me to be smoking now, although I am stressed about this op, I am more stressed about the complications smoking may add to the process.
Ordered more memory for my pocket PC yesterday so I can watch films on it while in hospital. It will pass the time..... as will sleeping !! I am looking forward to just being able to sleep without having to keep one ear open for the kids, and not having to get up at the crack of dawn to see to their breakfast.
OK.. I am rambling now...

Wednesday 27th September 2006

2006-09-28T00:04:00.000+01:00

So now I am 3 weeks 6 days away from D day !! It's been a mad old day, preceeded by a mad few days. The plasma TV broke down last thursday night. The screen went black and stayed that way. Phoned Philips on friday to get it fixed but because it was 12 months 2 weeks and 4 days beyond its purchase date it was deemed outside it's warranty and therefore would cost me a mimimum of £253, but only after shelving out £410 for them to collect it, and look at it, and courier it back to me. If we wanted it fixed then we would have to pay that out too and then claim the money back off Philips.
The guys on the AVforums told me to look up the Sale of Goods Act which showed me my rights and pointed me in the direction of Laser Electrical where we bought it. They were singularly unhelpful initially, but once I told them that I was recording an interview for BBC Radio Ulster for their 'On your Behalf' programme they soon wised up !
They have now taken the offending set away and buckled under the pressure of the BBC and are delivering and installing a Toshiba LCD ( more expensive and more features, and a better TV altogether) on friday !! So I am a happy bunny and I will be on the radio on saturday !!! LOL
It was an excellent distraction from the WLS which is looming ! It was in the back of my mind all day but getting this TV sorted and replaced with the one we wanted was more at the front of what I was up to today.
Michael had his MMR and Pneumonia jabs this morning. Poor sole, he cried but only for about 20 seconds and then he was ok. He gave me a hug and a kiss and soon settled down. I hate having to take him for stuff like that. He recovered really fast though !
Ellen is coming here for the day tomorrow. I am sure the kids are going to be asking her loads of questions ! They have heard a lot about her but it will be good for them, and Al, to get to meet her in person. I am looking forward to having someone to natter to all day, especially about Bruges !! I have been consciously trying not to bend Al's ear about it too much in the last few days. Doubt he has noticed !!
Rachel seems to be a little more accepting that I will be away for a week. I have told her that I need her to look after Daddy which made her feel really grown up ! I am sure she will be upset, but she will be spoilt rotten by Frances and her Daddy so she, and Aidan and Michael will be ok.
I just keep projecting my mind forward to post op. I need not worry about the operation itself because it will be over before I know it ( I hope !) and then I will be on the loosing side. I am looking forward to the lack of hunger and the ability to eat very little and yet feel full and satisfied. I am looking forward to clothes fitting me, and my present clothes falling off me !! Wonder if I will have a problem keeping mentally up to date with my body image though. Even if I do loose lots of weight, will I still think I am fat ?
Anyway... it is late and I am tired. Been a busy day....

Tuesday 19th September 2006

2006-09-19T15:37:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow the money goes out of the bank account and off to Belgium to pay for the operation. It's as good as paid in my mind though because I sorted it out last week.
Alan took some before pics for me the other day and i was horrifed at the state of my behind. I knew it was bg, but when you see it from another persons angle, OMG ! I won't miss it, that is for sure ! While I was out at bingo with his mother the other night, he set to work on a video about 'us' which was set to the music 'The blowers daughter'. It was really romantic !! He can be so lovely like that.
I came across Anne Diamond's weight loss website yesterday and signed up so I could interect with it. It's too much focused on diets and slimming though for my liking. I am sure that is the whole idea, but I am just looking forward to not having to surround my life with calorie counting and recipe ideas. I just want to eat healthily and small ! I posted my story on there and had a reply from a person who sounds like me about a year ago ! She is also trapped in a fat suit, with a wonderfully supportive family telling her they love her no matter what, even though she cannot love herself. I replied to her, and directed her to my web site and to the WLSinfo forum. I hope she finds her own way in the weight loss journey. It is a miserable way to live, hating the relection in the mirror.
Alan is away to work on a late shift and I am tired after 2 nights working. Got a mountain of ironing to do tonight when the kids are away to bed so that will keep me awake til he comes home. I have been messing about with Rachel's MP3 player this afternoon putting tracks on which I love and will enjoy listening to while I am away. I ordered earphones for it, but the jack is too big and I didn't realise. So I have ordered some more. The other ones will do for the Skype connection on the PPC though so all is not lost. I am trying to avoid putting the songs on the MP3 player that will remind me of how much I am missing Alan and the kids. Songs that are nice to listen to, not too boppy, but easy on the ear post operatively !!
That's about it. 4 weeks and 5 days til I go. Yikes !

Sunday 17th September 2006

2006-09-17T16:18:00.000+01:00

In 5 weeks time, this will be my last day at home before I get on that plane and change my life forever. It's all consuming at the moment. It's such a lot to take on board and I am sure Alan is getting mightly cheesed off with me ! I know I am going to get this done, and I know that I need to get this done, and I know that it will be a new start for me. My mind is unable to see any further than the operation at the moment though. It's just too much to imagine myself in a years time, a new slim me. All I can see is this operation before me, and more than anything else, being away from my husband and kids for a whole week. It will feel like a life time.

Rachel is being very clingy at the moment, which is most unlike her. She cried when I was leaving her at Brownies the other night, because she wanted me to stay, and she cried when she saw me at the school collecting Aidan, because she wanted me to take her home then too. It's totally out of character for her to be like that, but I am putting it down to her anxieties about my going away for the week. She has not voiced that to me, but I am trying to drip feed the notion that I will not be here for a few days but that it is no big deal, to her. I wonder how Michael and Aidan will get on without me. I am sure Michael will be a little out of sorts, although unable to understand why. Aidan might revert to being a cheeky rascal but IT'S ONLY A WEEK !! I am sure we can all cope with a week apart. We are going to have to, because it IS going to happen.

So, how am I feeling. Well, I am swaying between being more frightened than I have ever been in my life, to being happy that I have this date to work toward and that each day it is getting closer. I know that I am miserable with my weight at the moment, and this has to stop. My biggest upset is that Alan and the kids will not be there in Belgium with me. I know it really is not practical, and it would be upsetting for them to see me like that, so it's best that they carry on with their lives while I go and get my stomach sorted out, but the selfish part of me just wants them there so badly. I know Ellen will look after me. I trust her emphatically, and there is no other that I would want to wake up to post operatively apart from Al !! I need to get over this don't I ?!!

OK, so I spent a long while yesterday with Alan sorting out my PPC so that I can take lots of music with me, talk on Skype and have WiFi with ease and get and send email. The hotel has WiFi which is superb. I have plans to sort out Rachel's mp3 player too which is less fiddly to sort out when I just want to listen to music and switch off in the hospital. I have ordered new earphones for it because Aidan chewed the original set !!

Today, I have been sorting out Aidan's birthday party invitations. His party is one week before I go, and I really should try and make that my distraction. TALL ORDER !!

Friday September 15th 2006

2006-09-15T17:11:00.001+01:00

I organised an entertainer for Aidan's birthday party today. The party will be at our house on 14th October, his birthday being on the 18th. I couldn't make it the weekend after because I already have enough to think about then !!

So... it's 38 days before I go. That's very soon. I am already thinking about what to pack and what I need to get in before I go. I have paid the money in full for the operation now, although it doesn't officially leave my bank until 20th September, the paperwork is all done to make that payment happen. I felt physically sick walking away from the bank !!

Not sure if I should have or not, but today I started to write letters to my kids to cover the 'just in case' scenario with this operation. Had me weeping buckets to think of their faces if, for some unknown reason, things went horribly wrong. I know that perhaps I should not think that way but I want to cover all bases. Is that wrong?

I have stupid niggling doubts in my head about how Alan will respond to my changing body. I don't want this weight loss to be something that comes between us in the future. I hope that it brings us closer together. I really do. I lost my first husband while I lost weight the first time round though, and I don't want to risk this marriage for anything. He assures me we will be fine, so I have to believe that, and hope that every stone lost will be a cause for celebration between us.

What else has been going on... not much really. I shampoo'd the carpets yesterday and blitzed the downstairs of the house. The upstairs will hopefully get done tomorrow when the kids are about to watch over Michael. It's nigh on impossible to do much when he is following my every move ! Going to bath the kids now... best go

Friday September 15th 2006

2006-09-15T17:11:00.000+01:00

Sunday 10th September 206

2006-09-10T09:57:00.000+01:00

I spent all day yesterday setting up my website so that my weight loss is recorded and people can see information about what I am having done. I have told practically nobody about it, which runs the risk of some friends being annoyed with me, but I have a page on the website that explains why. I really hope that nobody gets offended because that was never my intention.

Anyway, the website is looking very girly and I like it. I have put a lot of information on there, and it will be added to as I go on. It was quite cathartic for me to go through it all, because making it make sense on the website, made it make sense for me too! I knew there was a lot to take on board about the surgery, but more so about the diet afterwards, but writing it down clarified things for me, which was helpful.

I added Connie's video to the site ( ok, Alan added it, because he is a whizz like that !!). It's a weight loss story that I came across while reading up on the internet, and it had me in floods of tears. It has allowed me to dare to dream to be that slim. It is so inspirational that I want people to see it and understand why I am doing this. She is so beautiful now she has lost weight, and she will never know just how much her story has impacted on me. I have a fair amount more to add to the site. I was going through some pictures and putting them on there yesterday, but there are ones in the loft that I need to find and add which are on ordinary photo paper - pre digital days !! I want everyone who visits my site to see that I was not always this big. In fact I have never been THIS big before in my whole life. I have to keep reminding myself though that I have won this fight by booking this surgery and making a claim back on my life. It's hard going to think that in 6 weeks time I am getting on a plane. 6 weeks will go so fast.

How am I feeling today ? Well, yesterday I was quite hyper thinking about the operation and reading all the stuff on the website, but today I am feeling just plain terrified. All the 'what if I die' feelings are coming to the front and that is truely terrifying. I am feeling flat today after the high of yesterday.

It is our 6th wedding anniversary tomorrow but we are not doing anything special for it, which is a shame. I know that this will be our last chance to go out for a nice meal together where I can actually eat and drink at the same time !! Where I can actually order the steak if I choose to and know that I can finish it ! Does that sound mad, or just greedy?! I know that after this operation I will have to change my whole attitude to eating. Having to drink 60mins before the food comes to allow my stomach room to eat as well as drink. 3-4 oz is not a lot !! The total reduction of sugar to ward off the dumping syndrome is pretty scarey because although I am not addicted to sugar like some people, I do like some sweet things. Will I be totally intolerant ?? I don't know. Maybe I should be having the duodenal switch instead, but then maybe I need to stop the sweet stuff. Maybe if I can't have it, then I won't have it. Would that really be such a bad thing?

My mind is racing forward to afterwards. If we get invited somewhere for dinner, how will I actually eat without offending the cook ? We enjoy having our friends Barbra and Tommy over for a chinese so none of us has to cook, but I won't be able to eat chinese anymore will I ? I don't know. I hope in a teeny tiny portion, I would be able to, just sometimes.

I need to get this house tidied up and ready for when I go. I need to make sure the fridge is stocked up and that the washing and ironing is done so that the kids have clean school clothes, and there are enough nappies in the house to keep Michael smelling sweet ! God I am so going to miss them, and Alan of course. Missing your kids, and missing your Husband are two different things completely !! My kids are little people who need me to be their mummy and need me to be there for them, cook and clean for them, help with the homework, you know, all the stuff that means that they are looked after and cared for. My husband is my soul mate, and we lean on each other at times of stress. He calls on me, or I call on him and that is the way it goes. I am going to feel his absence so deeply when I am in the hospital because I will be very much alone going through it. Ellen, bless her, is such a wonderful friend and I know she will be with me every step of the way, but when I say alone, I mean, without my soul mate. I would not have him leave the kids to be with me though. I would never be that selfish. It's just scary that is all.

I have to go to work tonight. Last time I worked on 7D at the Royal there was a nurse who had been 20 stone plus working there, but she has now a svelte 10 stone or less because of Weight Watchers. She goes about giving talks about her diet and how she lost the weight, and yes, she is inspirational. Her body clearly responded to their diet plan so good for her. Mine didn't so there is no reason for me to feel odd if she is on tonight. She is a genuinely nice person and it was great to work and chat with her.

Right, now Michael is having a sleep, I will get on with sorting these photo's out. Might make me feel better, or not....

Friday September 8th 2006

2006-09-08T10:20:00.000+01:00

Not sure whether to count days or weeks here. 6 weeks and 3 days before we fly to Bruges, or 45 days. I think the weeks seems like further away so I will go with that !! I could have had this op sooner but I wanted to get past Aidan's 5th birthday first. The last thing I want is to be feeling unwell for a special day in his life. I told him yesterday that I was going on a little holiday with Ellen. I explained that I would be away for just a few days but the Daddy and Nanny would be here to look after him and his brother and sister, and he would be having such fun in school each day that he would hardly notice my not being there. He came over and hugged me and told me that he would miss me. Told me that he wanted to come with me, and then had a little cry. I told him that it was ages away before I go though, because to him 6 weeks is ages away! I explained that the week would fly and Daddy would bring them all to the airport to collect me when I come home. He loves aeroplanes so this cheered him up !!

I have 2 images in my head today. The heartache of my kids when they get up on the morning that I go, and finding that I am gone. Their Nanny will have to jolly them along that day but I can already imagine that they will be upset. The second image will be when they see me at the airport when I get home. That will be the most wonderful thing ever. I am sure Michael will be feeling odd with out me about kissing and cuddling him every day. He may only be a baby but he is perceptive enough to know that someone who is a constant in his life is suddenly not there anymore. I am going to miss them all so much it's ripping me in two just thinking about it. I am going to be a mess at the airport when Alan drops us off.

The money is in the bank and I am hoping it will be cleared funds soon. I have to pay for the operation soon and then it will be set in stone that it is happening no matter what. I know I am probably one of the luckiest people in the country to be getting this operation when it just is not available here on the NHS. I should be grateful rather than going on and on about my irrational fears. Ugh... I was told my a friend last night to 'stop over analysing', and i guess he is right !!

So.. more positivity needed. I have a list of people who I will keep this operation a secret from until the weight is dropping off me. There are loads of people that I see maybe only once a year, my parents included. I will only direct them to this website once I have seen the look on their faces when they see me all slim. I can't wait to see the look on the faces of some of the ones I have always felt looked down on me with disgust because I am a big person. That will be so good. There are people I work with on an ad hoc basis and therefore may not see them for a few months at a time. Their faces will be a picture. The ladies at the school gate... I am sure they will be whispering to each other but I really hope they tell me what they are thinking. I would so much like to get to know some of them better but I feel so self conscious about my size that I don't feel anyone can see past my weight and they judge meaccording to what they see rather than who I am. It's probably just how I perceive myself, but I am sure when I walk onto a new ward that I am judged by my appearance, and seeing a fat girl they decide that I am not capable of being a good nurse, but a hindrence to the shift. ...... (ok yes Digger, i know, I am over analysing again. I hear you ok !!)

I am trying to get my support network in place at the moment. People who I can turn to if I am up or down, and know that I don't have to explain myself, they will be there to talk to me and tell me that I am doing ok.

If I forget to mention these lovely people afterwards ( which I know I won't but I am getting this in here right now because it's important they know how much I care about them)

I have my darling husband Alan, who sees the pretty 'me' no matter what I look like. He has been my rock through lots of really tough times in my life, and I love him so deeply that words cannot express enough for the way I feel. He has this unique ability to make me see things differently, and to take a step back and think before I go any further. He has given me his full support with this operation and I will promise you, my darling sweet man, I will make it work. I will be the wife you deserve, although you keep telling me I already am.

I have my dear friend Barbra who I know that I can confide in and will be there to notice every little change in my appearance and spur me on. I am sure I shocked you with my decision and you were so kind to not jump in and ask me outright why I was going to Belgium, but to let me tell you in my own time. Your kindness and support means so much to me. Knowing that you will also be watching over my children during the week puts my mind at ease.

I have my online pal Digger who although has an obsession about 23 inch waists and I think I shocked him badly when he found out that I am not the svelte chick he thought he was chatting to, has been an absolute star in telling me that I am being brave and that he is proud of me. One day we can poke each others surgery scars !!

I have my ex work mate and one of the nicest friends you could have, Ellen, who is going to be there holding my hand through this operation and probably out chatting up the Belgium guys when she is not with me !! It's not a holiday... ok, it is for you, go and enjoy yourself girl !

I have my old school mate Jo, who I think I shocked the most by telling her ages ago that I was thinking about bariatric surgery. She all but told me off !! She is a Slimming World fan, which I have to admit, I was too, but I just can't seem to slim the weight off me and keep it off. I know you care about me Jo, so just keep holding my hand from afar and keep sending me positive vibes !! I am still not sure about the Xander name... you might be having a girl so how about Marika for a name ?!! LOL !

I know that without you guys this would be so much harder. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thursday September 7th 2006.

2006-09-07T14:51:00.000+01:00

On monday this week I decided that I needed the gastric surgery, having done all the reading and research. I guess it's a case of wanting to start living as soon as possible, and I need to do that, to be certain of a future that was not confined to a wheelchair. I had a lengthy conversation with my parents about the operation I wanted and they thankfully agreed to foot the bill.

I made numerous calls to clinics in England but they were all charging £10000 plus for the operation. In Belgium the operation costs £5550. Having been helped by my dear friends on WLSforum, I was able to contact the surgeon directly, and save a small fortune in the process.

So, by tuesday afternoon, It was all but booked pending on the deposit being paid. The flights were booked and I am psyching myself up for it now. I went to work on tuesday night talking to myself most of the way there, telling myself over and over that it was booked and that I was going to have this. Telling myself not to focus on the surgery but on the fact that this time next year I could be slimmer than I ever dared to imagine I would be. I was joking with another agency nurse that night that the next time we worked together ( which may well be a long time away) I could be hiding behind a drip stand ! Sweet, wishful thinking !!

My fears about being away from the kids and Alan for the week are valid considering I have never been away from the kids for more than one day, and Alan and I have been together for 8 years and since I moved here we have been inseparable. I remember the times when we parted at the airport when I was still living in England, and how each time we had to let go and walk away from each other was just so hard. We are so much a part of each other that any time away from each other feels like half of me is missing. I know I will have to go to theatre without him being close to me physically. That will scare me. I am sure he will be beside himself the day of my operation, waiting to hear that I am ok. He has to stay here with the kids though, and being a parent means you make these sacrifices which allow them to feel safe and secure, loved and cared for.

I am so glad that my friend Ellen is coming with me. She is the kindest, caring and funy person that I know and there is no-one else I want with me apart from Alan, to be there holding my hand through it all. She has a way of telling me to wise up and pull myself together without insulting me. She has a heart of gold and I am going to be eternally grateful to her for being there with me through this. We met up this morning for coffee. We were looking at travel guides to Bruges and she kept saying the word 'Holiday' which made me laugh. I said ' It is NOT a holiday !!'... then corrected myself ' OK, it's a holiday for you !' She's great and I know I am in safe hands with her at my side.